Monday, October 14, 2013

Dear Injury Gods: Please Leave the Green Bay Packers Alone

  • Before this Sunday’s game, I was grumbling about how it sucked that Clay Matthews was out for a while, Casey Hayward has yet to play a game, Brad Jones’ hamstring injury left them thin on the inside, and the fact that James Starks will never, ever play a full season.



  • And then Sunday happened.

Oh, my sweet Randall! I'm here for you!


  • Beautiful, gorgeous Randall Cobb suffered what is reported to be  a fractured fibula (which sounds incredibly painful). James Jones sprained his PCL, which cut the Packers’ receiving corps in half. And Nick Perry’s foot injury is serious enough that he will miss next week.



  • There were a lot of things that upset me about this game. Rodgers was sacked three times early on and looked out of rhythm, Jordy had a rough game, and Jermichael Finley is still on the team!

It's okay - you still totally saved the game. 


  • Jordy not only whiffed on a block in a major way, he also dropped an easy pass. I was shaken. I don’t remember that happening for many moons. But, being the total B.A. that he is, he made up for it with an incredible 64-yard touchdown late in the game.



  • As strange as seeing Jordy not have a good game was seeing AJ Hawk have a fantastic  one. Though he is one of my least favorite Packers, credit must be given where due. Hawk sacked Joe Flacco three times and had 10 tackles, including five for loss! He dominated the Ravens’ offensive line.

It only took 8 years! Just kidding. Sort of.


  • Jermichael Finley, on the other hand, turned in his usual half-effort-with-one-or-two-great-plays performance. He got destroyed by Arthur Jones and gave up a sack. (How is someone so big and tall and muscular so soft and weak? How can he be such a crappy blocker?) He also had a few drops, which, when you’re down to two receivers, one of whom has barely ever played, was quite frustrating. But he did have a great third-down reception on the Packers drive that was key … yeah, the one where he ran out of bounds while the Packers were trying to run out the clock.

"So, you mean, like, the clock stops then?"

  • The coaches, too, seemed to struggle. At least, that's whom I suspect is to blame for Green Bay’s clock management issue. Three or four times, the Packers had to burn timeouts to avoid delay of game penalties. I don’t like to see that sort of sloppiness. The defense also failed to get the call from the coaches in time, which led to Baltimore’s first touchdown.



  • As upsetting as the game was in many ways, there was a lot to like. The defense had a really strong performance (coupled with the Ravens’ offense being terrible). In addition to Hawk, Micah Hyde and Davon House had some really nice plays, and the defense had two great goal line stands.



  • Speaking of Hyde, let’s all hope and pray he’s the answer at returner. In scary flashbacks to pre-2011, the special teams unit looked atrocious. Baltimore averaged 25.5 yards on kick returns and 19 yards on punt returns. Hyde had a couple of nice returns near the end, but, as a whole, the return game was not great.



  • Eddie Lacy, who was one yard short of 100 yards last week, gained 120 yards and gave the Packers their third 100-yard back in four weeks. Plus, when he picked up a game-sealing first down, he took a knee to keep the clock running. (Ahem, Jermichael!)




  • I can’t even imagine what John Kuhn was thinking when he tried to pick up the block punt. I was furious with him for turning the ball over, but he also ruined the rare blocked punt by Green Bay. Not cool.    



  • Joe Flacco looks like he’s a kid wearing his dad’s too-big helmet.

How can he even see? Ohh, maybe that explains all the INTs...


  • As awful as it was to see Randall get injured, I have to disagree with Aaron Rodgers, who thought the hit by Matt Elam was dirty. I don't think there's a whole lot the defender can do in these situations. They fear getting fines for hitting too high, so they end up going low. The game is already so geared to help offenses, it's just going to get more ridiculous if they keep shrinking the legal hitting zone.

  • The media loves Terrell Suggs because he’s a moron who likes to give himself nicknames and such. He reminds me of some other Ravens who are loved by the media for no clear reason and are lauded, despite the fact that they’re terrible human beings. I was watching an interview with Suggs, and the interviewer asked about his 2009 domestic assault arrest; he explained it thus: “Women don’t like to share.”

Yes, T-Sizzle, that was obviously the problem.


  • Let’s talk about the Buffalo Bills. They went into the season with two quarterbacks on their roster -- both rookies. The starter went down with a knee injury, and the backup was so bad that they had to promote a practice squad player who started this week … and got injured. I hate to be an armchair general manager, but wouldn’t you think a professional football team would have some sort of, you know, plan beyond counting on two rookies?’






  • I read somewhere that Tom Brady has only lost 14 regular-season home games in his career!!!!! Can that be true?

No wonder he always looks so pleased with himself.


  • After 13 years and even without any receivers, Tom Brady is still the best. He threw this with five seconds left after New Orleans appeared to have seal the game:




  • Whoa, slow down NFC East -- two teams are now up to .500!


  • Oh, darn.




  • Cleveland Browns lost this week, taking them to 3-3. The funny thing about the Browns is, even when they’re winning, their fans are still miserable. I mean, they traded away their star running back and have a terrible quarterback, but still managed to win three games in a row -- the Browns can’t even tank right!

Just wait till the great Brian Hoyer era of 2013!


  • The Chicago Bears played the New York Giants, so Jay Cutler finally got to play against a quarterback who throws more interceptions than he does, and, boy, was he happy about it.



  • What does a team have to do to get beat by the Giants? If the Bears had just lain supine on the field Thursday night, would they still have won? I mean, New York couldn’t even force a single Jay Cutler turnover.



  • Let’s recap the Tampa Bay Buccaneers situation:
    • shortly before the season began, two starters contracted staph infections
    • this was a big PR black eye when the Bucs falsely claimed that the two players were “doing great”; 
    • the Bucs attempted to duck liability by placing one of the players, kicker Lawrence Tynes, on non-football injury reserve, which did not go over well (by calling it a non-football injury, the Bucs were trying to say that he did not contract it at the team facility);
    • quarterback Josh Freeman lost his captaincy amid rumors that he skipped multiple team meetings and blew off the team photo;
    • that led to reports that embattled coach Greg Schiano had somehow rigged the captain vote;
    • Darrelle Revis expressed dissatisfaction with the coach, which he then took back;
    • Schiano then benched Freeman for a rookie to try to delay his own inevitable firing; 
    • shortly after, a report was “leaked” that Freeman was in the NFL substance abuse program, which led to him explaining that he had ADHD and had one failed test (out of 47) because he took the wrong medicine; 
    • no surprise that that led to whispers that Schiano was behind the leak of the confidential information; 
    • the Bucs tried to trade Freeman and couldn’t; 
    • Freeman asked for and was granted his release, and he’s now with Minnesota; 
    • then, this week, a third player contracted a staph infection; 
    • and the players’ union now wants the team (for the handling of the infection) and Schiano (for the alleged leaking of Freeman’s personal information) investigated. 
Yep, a totally healthy situation down there in Florida. 
"Look, only one of us is getting out of here alive."






Those fans are from Houston, after all.
  • God punished them justly by having TJ Yates throw a pick-six a short time later.



  • Detroit’s Joseph Fauria has caught seven receptions this season - five for touchdowns. He better slow down or else he’s going to run out of endzone dances.




  • I don’t like the Patriots and I don’t like the Saints, but I’ll cheer for whoever makes Rob Ryan make this face:



  • Seattle’s had a field goal blocked last week and botched another one this week that was returned for a touchdown. The second one isn’t that surprising considering Seattle’s decision making. Having lost their kicker to injury when he tried to make a tackle, Seattle chose to let their punter try a kick at the end of the first half instead of going for it on fourth-and-short. The punter, however, is usually the holder, so their back-up holder had to come in and … it didn’t go well.



  • I don’t care about either Indianapolis or San Diego, but I like it when they play so we can call it “the Colts and the Bolts.”



  • Yes, they were playing one of the worst offensive lines that has ever been assembled at a professional level, but the Kansas City Chiefs still racked up 10 sacks against the Oakland Raiders, bringing KC up to 6-0.



  • Poor Desmond Bishop! He was always a big fan of him when he played for Green Bay. I thought he was a very underrated middle linebacker. The guy missed all of 2012 with a hamstring tear, was cut from the Packers, made his first start of the season for the Vikings on Sunday, tore his ACL, and is out for the rest of the season.

  • Even with his late-game heroics, there was no love for Tom Brady from the opposition:

Darren Sproles is not interested in Brady's consolation.

  • ...Or his own teammates.





  • ...or his fashion decisions.




Monday, October 7, 2013

Hah! Take That, Jim Schwartz!



You mad, bro?

  • Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Clay Matthews broke his thumb and is expected to miss a month.

C'mon! You have nine more!


  • Clay isn’t the only linebacker that the Packers lost during the game. Brad Jones (injury prone!) left with a hamstring injury (an injury that has repeatedly hit the Packers this year!!), and Jones already sat out much of training camp with the same injury!! AND Jones’ backup, Robert Francois, is done for the season after tearing his Achilles tendon. Great.



  • The Packers got the win, but it wasn’t a comfortable win. The offense couldn’t seem to find a rhythm, going 0-for-2 in the redzone. The Detroit Lions defense is quite good, but Green Bay needs a better conversion rate than that. It’s been their strength -- last year they were third in the league in redzone efficiency -- but after going 4-for-4 in the opener, they’ve only converted 5 of 12 redzone opportunities.



  • Green Bay caught a nice break with Calvin Johnson being out with a knee injury. In Johnson’s 96 career games, he’s racked up 8,148 yards and 58 touchdowns. In that same 96 game stretch, the 19 other Lions receivers have combined for 7,892 yards and 43 touchdowns. Incredible.

There's a reason he's named after the mightiest Decepticon of them all.



  • The Packers’ open-field tackling strategy seems to hinge on hoping the other guys trip and fall down.



  • I loved the Packers making use of Randall Cobb in the backfield. He’s so versatile and beautiful.

I've mentioned his eyes before, right?


  • I wish they’d find someone else to return punts and kicks, though. It makes me nervous to put that gorgeous face at risk. Not to mention, he’s had his own issues with fumbling on returns.



  • Detroit’s secondary sure is “physical” -- and by physical, I mean a bunch of dirty cheats. They were hanging all over the Packer receivers all game long.






  • Five sacks for the Pack!

Why did Clay have to get injured? WHHHYYY?


  • I hate Kenny Albert’s froggy voice. Nothing sounds pleasant in  that voice, not even if he were to say, “Green Bay Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson has left his wife and child for Wisconsin native….”

 
  • I want to watch an entire game and see if there’s even one defensive snap during which Clay Matthews isn’t held.

  • James Jones had a couple of rough Lambeau Leaps. His first sad attempt was Randall Cobb’s fault, as he jumped on him in celebration just as Jones was gearing up for the jump. Randall tried to compensate by boosting Jones up, which only made it worse. Then, a couple of Detroit fans (as classy as their team) pushed Jones out of the stands as he attempted a later leap. To add insult to injury, the second touchdown was overturned.





  • Oh, Jordy Nelson. Is there anything Sideline Ninja can’t do??

Look at his toes!

  • Sideline Ninja is also Onside-Kick-Recovery Ninja. He always seems to be in the right place at the right time on onside kicks.

  • Eddie Lacy came up one yard short of being the Packers' third running back to run for 100+ yards after the team went roughly 824 games without a 100-yard game from a back.

  • Hey, did you know that Detroit wide receiver Kris Durham was Matthew Stafford’s roommate in college? Incredible, right?! I think the announcers should make sure to mention it every single time Durham’s on the field in case any of us ever forget.

They shared a room!!


  • It’s embarrassing that the Packers had more penalties than the penalty-prone Lions. The offensive line had a rough day, in particular.



  • Though it wasn’t Green Bay’s best game, it was a huge victory for their standing in the NFC North. Chicago lost, as well, keeping the race close. Chicago and Detroit lead at 3-2 and the Packers are just behind at 2-2. Is there a fourth team I’m forgetting?

Nope. Guess not.


I hope he has so many paperwork headaches.


  • Internet commenters aren't usually the wittiest of people, but here's what one reader had to say about the above article: "Just another W that the 9ers won't have." Lolz.
 
  • The New York Giants suck, but their running back David Wilson at least has some talent.




  • While I appreciate a punter being willing to try to tackle an opponent, there’s a reason why they’re not really football players. Watch Jon Ryan, number 9, on Seattle: 

Indianapolis blocks field goal, blows up holder en route to TD




  • The Jacksonville Jaguars scored 20 points! Against a decent defense! Total points in previous four games = 30. When the Denver Broncos pointed the fact that Jacksonville has, um, struggled, it was not appreciated by the Jags, and a social media catfight ensued. Well, it was more of a cat- and horse-fight.



  • By the way, the Jaguars are 28-point underdogs for next week’s game against the Broncos.


  • I enjoy upsets as much as the next fan, but I would have enjoyed Monday Night Football a lot more if the Jets had actually lost.


  • If the NFL were really interested in raising money for charity, instead of auctioning off game-worn equipment, they’d auction off a chance to punch Pete Carroll.

I shall start the bidding at my entire life's savings.


  • You can’t spell “demoralizing” with A-L-I -- oh wait. Hmm, can Eli Manning change his name to Ali?

Are we all done with saying he's better than Peyton? Good.


  • The Dallas Cowboys-Denver Broncos game was craaazy. 51-48. Tony Romo had a fantastic game, completing almost 70% of his passes for 506 yards and five touchdowns!! He did, however, throw one teeny little interception in the last two minutes of the game that pretty much sealed the Broncos win. The game was pretty much Tony Romo in a nutshell - fantastic numbers, actually played a really great game, but he just seems to have a knack for making huge mistakes in tight situations.

I try not to be mean, Tony, but you make it impossible!


  • After the interception, the game was pretty much over. Denver kicker Matt Prater has never missed a game-tying or game-winning field goal in his career. Like, ever.



  • Tom Brady wore this:


  • Julius Thomas and Demaryius Thomas are wide receivers who play for the Denver Broncos. But since they have the same last name, why don’t their jerseys have their first initials???


Seriously, this is really bothering me.


  • I don’t remember Peyton Manning ever rushing for a TD before!




  • Rough day for Cam Newton, who threw three interceptions and was sacked seven times.

Does he have a dance where he goes back into the phone booth
and changes back into Clark Kent?


  • The New Orleans Saints did a good job shutting down Bears receiver Brandon Marshall, but they forgot about Alshon Jeffery, who went off for 218 yards! Didn’t matter much, as New Orleans won 26-18, but still -- 218 yards!



  • Sooooooo….Matt Schaub. First throw of Sunday’s game was a pick six, making it  four consecutive games with an interception returned for a touchdown. He went on to throw two more interceptions before taking a seat in the fourth with the game way out of hand. He is not very well liked in Houston at the moment, and the team has a real problem. The offense managed three points and the defense - the pride of Texas - gave up 34 points. Schaub’s not getting the job done (gee, who could have seen that coming?) and fans are ready to riot. To whom, however, should they turn? Does anyone think TJ Yates is going to do a better job?




  • The Saints should have to play with just 10 offensive players because Jimmy Graham counts as two people. 
593 yards, 16 yards per catch, six touchdowns so far. Not fair.

  • Josh Freeman signed with the Vikings. But is he there to replace Christian Ponder or Matt Cassel?




  • Packer fans have a soft spot for former backup quarterback Matt Flynn. That’s probably because he didn’t charge us millions to warm the bench. Since leaving the Packers, he got a big contract with Seattle, only to be beaten out by a rookie and subsequently traded to Oakland. Signing another contract there, he was then beat out by second-year Terrelle Pryor. When Pryor was concussed, Flynn started in his stead, then was demoted to third string behind an undrafted rookie. Poor Matty. Maybe he should come back to Green Bay?



  • Who makes the NFL uniforms? Because they have issues with the white pants. They all look like they’re wearing diapers!







  • Charles Woodson tied the NFL record with his 13th career defensive touchdown when he returned a fumble on Sunday. When he was in Green Bay, I became obsessed with him getting this record. He only needs one more to have the record all to himself. And he added in an interception late in the game for good measure.

I miss you.


  • Hey, Baltimore Ravens, do you think maybe you should give the ball to Ray Rice? Last week, Rice had as many carries (five) as Joe Flacco had interceptions. This week, Rice had 27 carries for 74 yards and they won. I cannot understand how you only give five carries to one of the best running backs in the league.
  • With two seconds left in the game, down 26-17, the Tennessee Titans elected to attempt a field goal. Now, it wouldn't have mattered if they had gone for the touchdown, but, still, I'm ... confused.

"Aw, dang! My brilliant plan somehow backfired."


  • The Jaguars traded left tackle Eugene Monroe to Baltimore last week (sorry, Blaine Gabbert!) and moved rookie lineman Luke Joeckel from right tackle to left tackle. Joeckel broke his ankle this weekend is out for the season, so the worst team in the league is on its third-string left tackle and second-string right tackle.
  • Speaking of sacks, Ryan Tannehill has been sacked twenty-four times in five games. He's averaging almost five sacks a game, which is almost as many touchdowns he has all season - six.
Hmm, the two stats seem related somehow...


  • The Cincinnati Bengals ended Tom Brady's incredible streak of games with a touchdown pass at 52. I wonder what Jay Cutler's streak of games with a turnover is. I'll bet it's almost as impressive. Cutler didn't throw an interception on Sunday, but he did manage to fumble the ball twice, one of which was lost.

Say what you want about Jay -- at least he's consistent.