Sideline Ninja to the Rescue!

• How ‘bout my Sideline Ninja?? Jordy Nelson racked up 209 yards against the New York Jets, the most by a Packer in 18 years! He averaged more than 20 yards per reception!

• The game couldn't have started much worse for Green Bay, when they fumbled the ball at their own 16-yard line on the very first snap of the game. Then the defense looked the way a defense that has no inside linebackers looks, and before you knew it, the Jets were up 21-3! The Packers battled back, however, with Tramon Williams providing a key interception that set up a 97-yard touchdown drive before the half. After that, Jordy pretty much took over.

I've missed having a reason to use this picture.

• On their first three drives, the Jets gained 180 yards and 21 points. On their last nine drives, they gained 132 yards and three points.

I know, Rex. It hurts.

• Bryan Bulaga raised all our hopes by practicing this week, but wasn't ready to go, meaning Derek Sherrod was at right tackle for the whole game. I kept having flashbacks to that horrible time when Marshall Newhouse was our starting left tackle. *Shudder*

Sherrod [offscreen]: Sooorrrryyy, Aaaarrooon!

• I can never keep Mike Daniels and Mike Neal straight (they're both big, black defensive linemen named Mike with last names that are male first names who wear similar jersey numbers), and I tend to conflate the two. The point is, Neal Daniels, as I like to call him, had a very good game: eight tackles, three for a loss, three quarterback hurries, and one sack. 

Good job, Mr. ... Mike!

• Why didn't Casey Hayward play? I saw one report say it was because Green Bay preferred the bigger Davon House against the Jets, while another report suggested Hayward's ubiquitous hamstring issue was to blame. If the former is true, that's still stupid not to use one of your top two cornerbacks, and if it's the latter, someone on the Packers training team needs to Google how to treat hamstring issues because their track record is miserable.

Alright, let's start at the beginning: this is a hamstring...

• Safety Micah Hyde and linebacker Andy Mulamba both left the game with injuries. Hyde's isn't considered to be very serious, but Mulamba's doesn't look good and could be season ending.

• Aaron Rodgers surpassed Bart Starr to move into second place on the Packers all-time yards thrown list with 24,732. That is belt worthy.

• I'm very happy with the Packers' comeback win, but I have to admit they got very lucky. The Jets' only real receiving threat, Eric Decker, went down early with a hamstring injury; a Rodgers' interception was wiped away by a 12-men-on-the-field penalty; and, of course, the poor Jets called a timeout just before the snap, which nullified what would have been a game-tying touchdown. That's rough.

• How adorable are Jordy and Randall Cobb? The two of them couldn't stop praising each other in their post game interviews. (While we're on the subject of Randall: Stop. Using. Him. On. Punt. Returns.)

Awwwww! This is a lot what my dreams look like.

• The injuries around the league this week were insane: Robert Griffin III, DeSean Jackson, Jamaal Charles, Knowshon Moreno, Ryan Matthews, Gerald McCoy, AJ Green, Eric Berry, Allen Hurns, Mark Ingram, Chris Conte, Charles Tillman, and Vernon Davis, among others, were all sidelined.

• Is there anything JJ Watt can't do? After conquering the defensive side of the ball, he switched to offense just long enough to score a touchdown.

• It was a weird week all around the NFL. The Redskins put up 41 points without their starting quarterback or top receiver; the team with Megatron managed only seven points; Atlanta was nearly held without a touchdown after a record-setting Week 1; the Saints lost to a Browns team that was again without their running back, top receiver, and Pro Bowl tight end; and the freaking Bears beat the freaking 49ers!!

• I'm still working on gathering the proof, but I'm nearly certain that some sort of Freaky Friday-type situation happened on Sunday night. How else can you explain Jay Cutler throwing four touchdowns and no interceptions and only getting sacked once? While Colin Kaepernick threw one touchdown and three interceptions, fumbled once, and was sacked four times!!

I figured Jay looked enough like Jamie Lee Curtis that no further alterations were needed.

• Brandon Marshall even miraculously managed to play, despite being reported as doubtful. He didn't look too gimpy.

• And here's the most damning proof that something was off in the cosmos on Sunday night: Chris Conte not only didn't cost his team the game, but he also had an incredible interception.

• Whoa, dudes! Look how cool Terrell Suggs* is!! Totally awesome!

*Also a wife-beater, but no one cares.

• Hee hee. It's like the NFL equivalent of teenagers getting their braces stuck together.

• The Jaguars have given up 75 points in the last two weeks, so at least some things make sense in the world.

• Here's the situation: you're down seven points with under two minutes left in the game. You manage to get to the opponent's four-yard line with 1:04 to go. What do you do? If you're Andy Reid, you choose option G: call your last timeout.

It's the most intense match-up of the season: Andy Reid vs. Time!

• The Seattle Seahawks lost! Woo hoo! Richard Sherman didn't handle the loss too well. I guess the apple doesn't fall from the coach.

• I was watching the first few minutes of the San Diego-Seattle game, I thought Is that Antonio Gates? Is he still in the league?? Yes, yes he is. He caught all seven of his targets, three for touchdowns.

• Charles Woodson was quite blunt in assessing his Raiders' performance: "We suck. It's frustrating because everything that everybody says about you, we're making them right ... I am really embarrassed."

• And poor James Jones!! No one wants a double fumble on his highlight reel.

• I'm still not happy about the Bears winning, but at least one good thing came from it.

• Green Bay plays Detroit next week, the first of three straight divisional games. It's not nearly as much fun to hate the Lions now that Jim Schwartz isn't their head coach. Still, I'll try.

It's Not How You Start the Season ...

How we all felt on Thursday.

• So the Green Bay defense got leveled, Aaron Rodgers looked average, we lost our third starting offensive tackle, replaced him with a turnstile, and our star running back got a concussion. Not the most productive day at the office, boys.

• There wasn’t really a lot to like in this game, but the biggest problem seemed to be running game, both sides. Seattle had 207 rushing yards to Green Bay’s 80. Marshawn Lynch alone ran for more yards (110) than the Green Bay offense.

He's absolutely nutso, but pretty amazing nonetheless.

• Packers’ fans were worried about how rookie center Corey Linsley would perform, but he was fine, for the most part. It was Derek Sherrod, the third-string right tackle, who caused the most problems.

• You aren't able to see just how badly Sherrod gets beat by Seattle’s Michael Bennett on this sack, but look how far behind Bennett he is!!

• I hear that Brian Bulaga’s injury isn’t that serious (MCL sprain), but I heard the same thing about B.J. Raji’s injury, too, so I am choosing to take a dour, pessimistic view of his situation until he returns to the field. ALSO, there were several reports that center J.C. Tretter would be out “about a month,” but the Packers have put him on temporary IR, meaning the earliest he could return would be Week 9. I don’t know why sports writers are trying to get my hopes up, but no more. I will never again believe hopeful reports about the severity of Packer players’ injuries.

• Seattle safety Earl Thomas’ fielding of the first punt was incredibly dangerous, and it was no surprise when he muffed the second one. His decision-making aside, why on earth is he even on the field for punts? As frustrated as I get when I see Randall returning punts, this may be worse. What the HECK is Seattle thinking having their star safety returning punts???

• (Wait, is that Richard Sherman, too? Why are their two best defensive players playing special teams??)

• There are a lot of players on other teams that I have a great deal of respect for, and then there are a few players that just scare me whenever Green Bay has to play them. Percy Harvin is one of the latter. (See also: Patterson, Cordarelle.)

You know how the play stops immediately if a player loses his helmet? They should
have a rule that the play stops automatically if AJ Hawk is covering a skill
player, and the whole game should be aborted if Hawk is ever covering Percy Harvin.

• Seattle’s so good it’s really hard to tell how concerned Packer fans should be. Green Bay’s never been particularly talented at run blocking, but Thursday night was worrisome. They struggled mightily to manage a measly 3 yards a run, and sometimes it looked like poor Eddie Lacy was completely on his own.

• Just look at the way Pete Carroll chews gum. No one who chews gum that way is a good human being.

• I get weirdly attached to certain players, and they often are not good players. Brad Jones is one of them, but even I have to wonder, when do you cut this guy?? Dude is in his sixth year. When has he done anything beyond show some potential? Whenever he looks halfway decent for a thirty-second stretch, someone stares at him too hard and he gets injured.

"Please, sir, slow down."

"No, no, no, don't catch that!"

But he also seems nice and funny and hardworking...

...and now I feel bad for being mean. See? Weird attachment.

• Speaking of “when is enough enough?”, how does linebackers’ coach Winston Moss still have a job? He’s been the linebackers’ coach for 8 years, and, outside of Clay Matthews, what has that unit done?? I don’t know how much of the blame belongs to Moss, how much to defensive coordinator Dom Capers, and how much to GM Ted Thompson, but there’s been a consistent problem at linebacker, particularly on the inside.

• The only good news is that Seattle’s likely the toughest opponent the Packers will meet in the regular season and they were playing in the toughest environment. It’s just one game and it’s too early to freak out.

• Uh oh. As excited as I was for the return of football, I overlooked the fact that it also meant the return of the smug, condescending, insufferable Mike Pereira and his the-refs-are-never-wrong wisdom.

Just shoot me now.

• Let’s just assume Cam Newton has a broken rib at all times.

• Being a punter is more hazardous than you might think; you never know when someone will level you with a Mortal Kombat flying kick to the face. Just ask Cleveland punter Spencer Lanning, who learned the hard way.

• Chris Conte is so bad. I really should be nicer to him, since he was the one who allowed Green Bay to make the playoffs last year, but he really is a marvel. Watch how the league’s oldest running back throws Conte off of him with one arm.

• As bad as that was for Conte, it's nothing to what Ravens' receiver Steve Smith did to Pacman Jones.

• Jay Cutler, for his part, had a pretty balanced line: two interceptions and two sacks.

Missed ya, Jay!

• Since when is Carson Palmer a mobile quarterback? Never thought of that as a strength of his, but he managed to escape what seemed like sure sacks more than a few times against San Diego.

• I’m somewhat perplexed by Bud Light’s Mayor of Whatever campaign. It’s as if they did a focus group and asked, “Which of these people seems most likely to get caught watching you from outside of your bedroom window ?”

We have a winner!

• Grantland had a brutal season preview of the Dallas Cowboys, which made me giggle maliciously: 

The Cowboys finished 30th in defensive DVOA last year. That was with DeMarcus Ware and Jason Hatcher, who left in free agency for Denver and Washington, respectively. They had 17 of Dallas’s 34 sacks. That was with Sean Lee, who is out for the season with a torn ACL. That was with Orlando Scandrick, who is suspended for the first four games. And their top defensive draft pick, defensive end Demarcus Lawrence, is on the IR-return list and won’t be around until Week 9 at the earliest. This, impossibly, is who the Cowboys are likely to start in their base defense against the 49ers in Week 1: 

DE George Selvie, DT Henry Melton, DE Jeremy Mincey, LB Bruce Carter, LB Rolando McClain, LB Justin Durant, , CB Brandon Carr, CB Morris Claiborne, S Barry Church, S J.J. Wilcox

That’s not just the worst starting defense in football. It’s miles away from anybody else’s D for the worst in football. Dallas almost definitely has the worst set of defensive linemen and the worst linebackers, along with one of the five worst secondaries.

• My sister does not follow football at all, but I guess she walked by a tv this weekend, because I got this text from her: "Tony Romo must be the king of interceptions!" Yes. Yes, he is.

• Muhahahaha! How does it feel to have a losing record, Bill??

• The Cincinnati Bengals cut DT Devon Still before the season, but then signed him to their practice squad so that he would have insurance for his four-year-old daughter, who is battling cancer. That's pretty cool.

• Whoa, whoa, is that Aaron Rodgers giving an American Family Insurance-sponsored press conference?? How does State Farm feel about that?

Hope he discount double-checked his endorsement contract.

• The Browns came thisclose to winning! The Steelers were up 24 points before the Browns came roaring back. The most impressive feat was that Cleveland did this with Brian Hoyer playing quarterback and without their top receiver (because Josh Gordon really likes smoking pot), their top running back (Ben Tate got injured in the first half), and their top tight end (Jordan Cameron also got injured during the game). Alas, they’re still Cleveland, so Pittsburgh was able to seal the game with a field goal as time expired.

• Carolina kicker Graham Gano must have forgotten to use the signup sheet to reserve Tampa Bay's field for practice. (He apologized and gave tickets to the very focused trombone player he shoved.)

• After signing a $100 million contract extension, Houston defensive star JJ Watt said he Googled "What do rich people buy?" but didn't see anything he liked. Sigh. I need to marry this guy. And no, the $100 million has (almost) nothing to do with my love for him.

• Looks like Eli had a bit of a rough game on Monday.

• It's kind of anticlimactic when the number one draft pick doesn't even play one full NFL game before being sidelined 4-6 weeks with a knee injury. While we're on the subject, somebody in Houston might want to take a look into the quality of their field.

• I can't imagine an NFL player runs into his high school principal on the field that often, but Doug Martin's old principal was on hand to referee his game on Sunday. I guess he was substituting for the math teacher that usually refs.

Awww!

• I'm confused by the outrage over the latest Ray Rice video that was released. It was known before that Rice had hit his then-fiancee hard enough to knock her unconscious. He admits that he punched her hard enough to knock her unconscious. There was a video of Rice dragging his unconscious-from-his-punch fiancee out of an elevator. He was suspended two games because he knocked his fiancee unconscious. Now, we have the actual video of him knocking his fiancee unconscious and people are all outraged anew? Did people who saw the video of him dragging his unconscious fiancee out of the elevator think that they would see the video from inside the elevator and think, This video of an NFL player punching a woman unconscious really isn't that bad? It seems a little silly to be aghast at a video that depicts exactly what was said to have happened. As it is, Rice has been cut from the Ravens and is suspended indefinitely.

• Don't want to count any unhatched chickens, but I am excited for the New York Jets and their cornerback issues next week.

Beat the Cheats!

• Boy oh boy, only a couple more days till the Packers kick off the season against those dirty, dirty cheats in Seattle! Too bad we can’t have them on our turf. I really, really, really want Green Bay to win (duh) not just for the win, but so somebody can shut up those loudmouthed, cocky, smug fraudsters (that’s a real word).

Especially you, Peter Clay Carroll.

• I'm excited for Ha Ha Clinton-Dix! Though, frankly, I'd be exciting about pretty much any fresh blood at the safety position. The biggest challenge for me will be overcoming hearing this in my head every time anyone mentions Clinton-Dix:

• Last year's back-up quarterback disaster has scared the Packers into keeping both Scott Tolzien and Matt Flynn. I'm a Tolzien fan, and I'm also very protective of Matt Flynn because he's terrible, so I'm glad he gets to stay in a system that he can be okay in.

And he rocks the Canadian tux way better than Aaron.

• Some sad offseason news was that running back Johnathan Franklin was forced to retire after his rookie season due to a neck injury. That's tough news for a 24-year-old to handle. The good news is that he kept busy this summer doing adorable videos for Packers.com.

• Green Bay didn't suffer the spate of injuries that fans have come to expect and dread, but the injury gods didn't overlook us completely. They carefully chose a couple of key players to smite right before the season started. BJ Raji is out for the season with a biceps tear and center JC Tretter fractured his knee cap (ow). Tretter is expected to be back in a month-ish, but until then, rookie Corey Linsey will be starting at a hugely important position.

• I was surprised/fretful Chris Banjo was cut. He seemed to have had good reviews from the coaches last year and was also highly rated for his special teams play. This just makes me nervous; I'd rather have a little extra depth at last year's weakest position. 

• So, there’s this player drafted by the St. Louis Rams. He’s a rookie out of Missouri and plays defensive end. But get this: he’s gay! Can you believe it?!?! HE’S GAY! He’s a football player AND he’s gay!! He also sacked Johnny Manziel in the preseason, which was incredible because Johnny Manziel is JOHNNY FOOTBALL and Michael Sam is GAY. And it’s super exciting because no matter what Sam does or doesn’t do for the rest of his career, it’ll be newsworthy because, as you may have heard, he’s gay.

^ GAY.

• Poor Sam Bradford! His prior claim to fame (besides kinda looking like Mighty Mouse) was being the primary example for the ridiculous, unearned, team-breaking rookie contracts that led to changes in the CBA, but now he's just known for rotten luck. Less than a year after suffering a season-ending ACL tear, Bradford suffered the same injury in a preseason game, ending his season before it even began. After four up-and-down years, Bradford had a lot riding on this season. I feel so bad for him!

(But he does look like Mighty Mouse, doesn't he?)

• Glad to see Redskins' safety Brandon Meriweather suspended for a hit to Ravens’ WR Torrey Smiths’ head. I have to say this hit doesn’t really look like it's his fault, but because Brandon Meriweather is a dirty head-hunter, I’m still glad that he got suspended.

"So what if my opponents all end up unconscious? My hits are totally clean!"

• Peyton Manning didn’t appreciate it when his teammate, Woozy Wes Welker, got hit in the head by Houston safety DJ Swearinger. Manning expressed his dissatisfaction by immediately throwing a touchdown, talking trash to Swearinger, and getting flagged for taunting. Manning was also fine $8,268, which he called “money well spent.”

Zing!

• San Francisco lineman Ray McDonald is looking at a likely six-game suspension following his arrest for domestic violence. Roger Goodell is probably doing a thank-you-Jesus dance, since coming down hard on McDonald will give him a chance to make people forget the Ray Rice debacle.

• Yeesh, former Dallas backup quarterback Kyle Orton is cutthroat. Here's how he spent his summer: he said he wanted to retire, but since he was still under contract, he wouldn't get his $3 million signing bonus if he did, so he just didn't show up to OTAs or any other offseason stuff, so the Cowboys finally decided to release him. Instead of retiring, however, Orton took the money, waited out training camp and the preseason, then signed with the Buffalo Bills. So, all in all, he managed to get out of a situation where he apparently wasn't happy, keep his $3 million, avoid training camp, and sign with a team where he has a much better chance of playing.

Don't let the creepy long hair or the Bieber bangs or the
neckbeard and mustache fool you; the man will get his money.

• Obviously the best thing to come out of the offseason was the Packers signing Jordy Nelson to a four-year extension. WOO HOOO!!!! JORDY 4EVA!! GO WHITE LIGHTNING GO!! SIDELINE NIIIIIIIIIIINJA!!

#NinjaBiceps

Broncos vs. Seahawks: Yawn.

• I'm already sick of talking about Richard Sherman and it's only Tuesday. I'm also sick of evaluating Peyton Manning's legacy/place in history/ranking compared to Tom Brady.

• There isn't much to say about the Denver-New England game, as it was pretty boring. I know Denver's really good, and I know all of New England's players are either injured or in a jail cell, but sometimes it looked like the Patriots weren't even trying! There were definitely a few plays that could have benefited from some hustle.

• Bill Belichick is apparently still angry at Wes Welker for daring to sign with another team after New England refused to sign him. On Monday, Belichick called Welker's hit on Patriots' cornerback Aqib Talib "one of the worst plays [he's] ever seen," (which seems just a touch dramatic) and said it "was a deliberate play by the receiver to take out Aqib." The hit sidelined Talib for the rest of the day, which was a big blow to the Patriots' defense, but I don't even think it was illegal. Here's the hit in question:

• The Seattle-San Francisco game was depressing to anyone who's a fan of another NFC team. It sucks to think that the Packers will have to go through one or both of these teams for the next several years. There was a small comfort in watching Colin Kaepernick run wild against the Seahawks -- he had 130 rushing yards against one of the top defenses in the league. At least he doesn't do it just to Green Bay. =(

• Here are some crazy Kaepernick rushing stats:
• Of the top five rushing performances by a quarterback in NFL playoff history, Kaepernick holds three (Vick and McNabb are the other two).
• Kaepernick is second to Steve Young  in all-time in postseason rushing yards by a quarterback.Young had 594 yards in 20 playoff starts; Kaepernick has 478 yards in six playoff starts.

• On the play where Seattle fumbled and NaVarro Bowman got his knee hit at a disgusting angle, I just have one question: HOW IS THAT NOT REVIEWABLE? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A STUPID RULE? (Seattle ended up fumbling a couple of plays later, but that still doesn't soothe my anger at arbitrary, game-changing rules.)

• As for Richard Sherman, he is probably the best corner in the league, and he's also a huge jerkface. You just broke the Niners' hearts, and now you feel the need to shove it in their faces? That is not very nice.

This is Sherman giving a "choke" sign to an off-camera
Colin Kaepernick. He's just "competitive," y'all.

• Sherman wrote in his Monday Morning Quarterback column that he was just trying to say "good game" to Michael Crabtree, but that's a really aggressive way to say "good game" to the player you just outplayed to win a trip to the Super Bowl.

• That, of course, is nothing to Sherman's psycho interview with poor Erin Andrews, who handled it as well as possible. 

DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT HIM!!!

• There was, predictably, a lot of backlash to Sherman's behavior, but then there was a backlash to the backlash because the people in this world have too much time and too much access to the internet. FYI, peeps, it's possible to entertaining and spontaneous and not cliched without being a huge #%*-@*^$. 

• As much as I hate him, though, there's no denying Sherman's talent.

• A San Francisco fan apparently got to Sherman's Wikipedia page soon after the game.

• As every pothead football fan will point out this week, the two states that have legalized marijuana are the two that are sending representatives to the Super Bowl.

"Sweeeeeet."

• There wasn't really anything to cheer for this past weekend except for one thing: a great shot of Jim Harbaugh's $8 khakis. And I got it.

• In other news, Charles Woodson is still not over the Tuck Rule 12 years after the fact: "Tom Brady owes me his house. I’m the reason why he’s married to who he’s married to. I’m a reason for a lot of that. Everything."

Aww, I miss Charles.

• The Packers lost not only quarterbacks' coach Ben McAdoo (now the Giants' offensive coordinator -- congrats!), but they also lost outside linebackers' coach -- and third all-time sacks leader and one-time WWF wrestler -- Kevin Greene, who wants to spend more time with his family. Losing Greene is really too bad; you just can't replace that kind of crazy on the sidelines: