Wild Card Round

• The Arizona Cardinals were truly painful to watch. They managed a record-low 78 yards of offense. I try really hard to be sympathetic to third-string quarterbacks forced into situations far beyond their experience (and ability), but it’s hard to imagine that there aren’t average joes playing pickup football in their backyards who wouldn’t be better than Ryan Lindley. (I’m sorry, Ryan.)

• The Cardinals’ fruitless lateral final play lost them 19 yards, which enabled them to set that record, but it they weren’t exactly tearing up the turf before then.

So sad. So true.

• There have been 28 individual plays this season that gained more yards than the Cardinals did all of Saturday.

Jordy probably had, like, ten of them.

• Don’t think special teams are important? Then, boy, was the Arizona-Carolina game for you!! Carolina returner Brenton Bierson had a mighty tough time, muffing one punt and nearly muffing a couple of others. You wouldn’t think a punter that important until you watched Arizona’s punter struggle to get the ball to mid-field. In his defense, the offense usually had him backed up against the goal post, but it was still pretty bad.

• Ugh it looks like the NFL will expand the playoffs from 12 teams to 14 teams next year. I’m sure we were all thinking how much better the playoffs would be this year if only the Houston Texans had been allowed in.

What these playoffs need is more Case Keenum!

• I know the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens are one of the marquee rivalries in the NFL, but, try as I might, I just can’t seem to care about their games. Maybe it’s the uniforms; I just hate both teams’ uniforms!

Yellow-and-black and black leggings. Not exactly the Paris runway.

• Who the heck decided to allow Bart Scott on television as an “analyst”??

• Pittsburgh had more passing yards, more rushing yards, ran 17 more plays, had a better quarterback completion percentage, and still lost. The three turnovers and the 114 yards in penalties probably had something to do with that.

• LOLOLOLOLOL. Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh called his quarterback, Joe Flacco, the “best quarterback in football.” LOLOLOLOLOLOL. John, I don’t even think Flacco’s mother thinks he’s the best quarterback in football.

"I love my daddy, but there are at least 5 other QBs I would take over him."

• Andy Dalton has lost his first four playoff games, joining YA Tittle as the only two quarterbacks with that dishonor.

• Has anyone noticed that YA Tittle holds nearly every obscure record, good or bad? Whenever somebody breaks the record for most games played on a Tuesday or most 100-point games or most passes thrown to self or something, ol’ Yelberton Abraham Tittle’s name always shows up.

• Watching quarterbacks desperately trying to lure defenses offsides on 4th downs is always a little sad and pathetic. Especially when the quarterback admits how ridiculous it is while trying to draw the offsides. While it still doesn’t top a Carolina defender mocking Minnesota’s attempt to draw them offsides, Andrew Luck’s “Ohhhh, stop it!” from this weekend was pretty good. (Bonus points because it’s in Luck’s endearingly dorky voice.) 

• THERE ARE TWO PLAYERS NAMED CJ MOSLEY. And they’re not related!

Does anyone else know about this?? I think everyone has been assuming they're the same person.

• Argh the Detroit Lions gave the game away to the Dallas Cowboys. They scored two touchdowns in the first six minutes, then only managed two field goals the rest of the way.

Never trust a man who doesn't blink.

• The Dallas Cowboys punter had the best punt I've ever seen, landing the ball inside about the one-foot line. AND the Detroit Lions got a penalty on the play, leading to the worst field position imaginable, yet Detroit was able to go 99 yards on the drive.

• Now, everyone’s in a big fuss over the controversial pass interference call that was hugely important in the game. It seems to me that Dallas linebacker Anthony Hitchens committed clear pass interference on Detroit tight end Brandon Pettigrew. While making contact (and holding earlier in the route), Hitchens never gets his head around to find the ball. He’s playing the player, not the ball, which will almost always get you a PI call.  

• That said, it wasn’t so egregious a foul that I would have been very upset if it hadn’t been called. The problem was that the refs threw the flag, announced the penalty, spotted the ball at the place of the foul, and the teams were ready for the next snap when the refs picked up the flag without explanation. (I won’t even address the fact that Dez Bryant came onto the field without his helmet to argue the call, which should have resulted in a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty.) So instead of having the Lions having a first down just outside the redzone, it was fourth-and-one around midfield and the Lions punted the ball away.

• When Detroit had the ball, down four with two minutes left in the game, all I could think was, “I’d feel so much better about Detroit’s chances if the ball were in Tony Romo’s hands.” Alas, Detroit’s ridiculous last-minute luck that has saved them all season finally ran out.

Saving up the choking for next week.

• Detroit defensive tackle/wild animal Ndamukong Suh had his suspension for stepping on Aaron Rodgers reduced to a $70,000, which makes no sense. If you’re fining him any amount -- especially that high an amount -- it’s because he did something bad, namely intentionally stepping on an injured player’s injured body part. If the league believed it was unintentional, then they would have overturned the suspension (rather than reducing it to a fine) and not punished him at all. By fining him, the league is saying that they think he intentionally stepped on Rodgers. If a player is intentionally stepping on an opponent’s leg, how is that not a suspension-worthy offense??

• Maybe they bought Suh’s “it was so cold that my feet were numb, so I couldn’t tell what I was stepping on” defense. No, seriously, Suh tried to argue that.

• Suh was very upset after the loss to Dallas, crying in his press conference and having to leave to compose himself. As you can see by this local coverage, Wisconsin doesn’t have a whole lot of sympathy for Suh.

• I would have loved for the Cowboys to have lost because the meltdown in Dallas is always fun to watch. Sigh, now I’ll have to wait another week.