2016 Offseason Edition

The Dream Team's back together!!

• This was just going to be a light-hearted offseason recap, but then the Green Bay Packers went and released Josh Sitton!! He’s been a stalwart left guard for the Packers, their strongest lineman, their most consistent, their most durable, and has been considered one of the best guards in the league! Why, Ted Thompson, why?? No one saw this coming! And no matter what they say, the Pack can’t feel great about replacing a Pro Bowler with Lane Taylor (who always makes me think of a women’s clothing store). It sounds like Sitton wanted a contract extension, and the Packers had too many concerns about his health (he’s struggled with back injuries) and his cost.

Also, I feel bad for all his o-linemen friends. That chemistry
is really important in an offensive line!

• I really want to wish Sitton well, but then he went and signed with the CHICAGO BEARS!!! I can’t blame Sitton for taking a 3-year, $21.75 million contract ($10 million guaranteed) with a chance to play his old team twice a year, but now I can’t say, “Best of luck, Josh!” because him playing well means fewer Jay Cutler sacks, and you know I can’t cheer for that.

• While we’re getting out all of our sad news, the Packers also released punter Tim Masthay. I’m not sure if this is a move they’ll regret or not -- former Tampa Bay Buccaneers punter Jacob Schum, newly signed, has looked good in preseason -- but I’m sad for Masthay, who hoped to play his entire career in Green Bay and seems like such a nice guy! For example, here’s what Masthay had to say about his replacement: “I hope Jake plays fantastic [in his first preseason game with Green Bay], and I hope he goes on to have a fantastic career here. I wish all the best for him, and I hope he has a great experience with the organization.” Awww, I’ll miss you, Ginger Wolverine!

Also, I feel bad for his bff Mason Crosby. =(

• I’ll keep the hits coming: backup QB Scott Tolzien left in free agency. I guess all my #ActivateTolzien hashtags will now belong to the Indianapolis Colts.

• Oh yeah, and B.J. RAJI RETIRED!!! It came as a huge surprise that the 29-year-old defensive lineman walked away after deciding his heart just wasn’t in it.

We'll miss you, B.J.!

• The Packers cut someone named Alstevis Squirewell, which I think was a mistake, because how often are you going to have the chance to put “Alstevis Squirewell” on your roster?

• Casey Hayward was a victim of Green Bay’s stacked cornerback position and so left the Pack in free agency, signing with the San Diego Chargers. You got a great cornerback, San Diego -- maybe he’ll actually get the playing time he deserves there.

• Megatron retiring is old news by now, but here’s a cool link to an interview with three NFC cornerbacks who had to play against Calvin Johnson. Also, Calvin is going to be on Dancing with the Stars this season. I’ll keep you updated on that as necessary.

• I really don’t particularly care about Peyton Manning, but it makes me really sad that he turned down a one-day contract with the Colts to retire as a Denver Bronco. I get that he had his triumphant comeback and sunset Super Bowl with the Broncos, but he played 14 seasons with Indianapolis! Poor Colts fans.

• Skip Bayless, of blowhard notoriety, mercifully has left ESPN’s First Take, so we’ll at least be spared the incoherence and banality of Bayless and Stephen A. Smith shouting nonsensical words at the same time. In honor of Skip, who has the unique talent of always being wrong while simultaneously insisting that he is absolutely 100% right, here are his 10 dumbest tweets.

It was really difficult to choose which of these to screenshot.
So many idiotic tweets to choose from.

• I make fun of the monstrosity that is JerryWorld often, but the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium was put to good use this offseason, hosting 100 underprivileged kids for a giant sleepover on the field. Each kid got his own personalized bed, decked out with Cowboys gear, and the beds were delivered to the kids’ homes next day, courtesy of the sponsor. Pretty cool, Cowboys.

• Umm speaking of the Cowboys … I had a lot of slightly unkind jokes primed for the start of the season, most of them involving Tony Romo and his frail back. Now that Romo is actually out for the first 6-10 weeks with a broken bone in his back, I will skip the jokes because I feel bad.

"Please, coach! I'm in so much pain! Please don't make me play!"
"Muhahahahaha!" 

• I half expected a patented Jerry Jones, “We expect Tony to start Week 1, unless the doctors discover that he’s a big sissy” statement, but it looks like we’ll have to wait until Week 4 or 5 for that.

Yep, there it is.

• At least Dak Prescott is not Kellan Moore … or Brandon Weeden … or Matt Cassel…

The bad news is that Mark Sanchez is still Mark Sanchez.

• I’m also very sad for Teddy Bridgewater, the Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback who destroyed his knee in practice last week and is out for the entire season.

Get better soon, Teddy!

• The Vikings gave up a first-round pick, along with a conditional fourth-rounder, to acquire Sam Bradford from the Philadelphia Eagles to replace Bridgewater. This is very interesting. On the one hand they gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to their current backup, Shaun Hill!

• On the same hand, the Vikes gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to the recently released Mark Sanchez, for whom the Cowboys gave up nothing.

• On the other hand, Minnesota has a crazy good defense, an aging Adrian Peterson, and had a great shot at a deep playoff run. Many have them as their sleeper pick even. As much as I like Shaun Hill -- and I actually like him a lot -- it seems like a stretch to envision him leading a team to a Super Bowl, so I understand Minnesota’s urgency. What I don’t understand is Minnesota’s long-term plan. What happens next season? The Vikings have taken on Bradford onerous contract which, I believe, is guaranteed through the 2017 season. What will they do next offseason when (if?) Bridgewater is ready to return? Is this a sign that Bridgewater’s injury is so severe that they’re looking beyond 2016? Or are they just desperate not to waste this talented roster?

• Have we talked about how darn endearing Andrew Luck is? The guy runs his own book club, with selections for both children and adults, and he still uses a flip phone. The multi-, multi-, multi-millionaire finally upgraded his phone this summer and got a … new flip phone. God bless Andrew Luck.

• Uuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh that awful Mike Pereira wrote his own book, After Further Review. Blech. Real clever title there, Mike. I wonder if the actual pages are greasy with his oily smugness. I  might have to buy this book just so I can give it a scathing Amazon review.

"It's so weird how this book I put next to Troy
Aikman is, like, right there next to Troy Aikman."

• I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but I haven’t wanted to say anything in the hopes that he’d change it, but Julius Peppers’ hair is not working for him. He looks like he’s trying too hard to look hip. It's the equivalent of a 50-year-old woman wearing chunky platform heels and a mini-skirt.

It's just a little too Roger from Sister, Sister for me.

• Randall Cobb graduated from the University of Kentucky this offseason. Congrats!

He's got looks, he's got brains -- what doesn't Green Eyes have??

• Okay, okay, all of this has just been small talk. We all know what this season’s really about: JORDY NELSON IS BACK!!!!!!! After a long and dark 2015 season in which Jordy never took the field, the dawn has broken upon the world once more.

You have no idea how much we (I) missed you, Jordy.

• The Packers have been cautious with Nelson, to say the least. All year long, he was said to be well ahead of schedule after tearing his ACL last August. He experienced a “hiccup” in his uninjured knee sometime around training camp, but insists it fine. He did not play in any preseason, but says he’s a “full go” to start Week 1.

• In the offseason, Jordy teamed up with Jockey to tell his story of adopting his son and to encourage adoption. Aaaaawwwwwwwww! That’s so adorable! I mean, could he be any more perfect??? (You can imagine my reaction when I first saw this.)

• And here’s Jordy just, ya know, doing some push-ups while his kids play.

• And here he is just hanging out, being a rugged farmer.

• I’M SO GLAD HE’S BACK! (So is Clay.)

• First up: Jacksonville. Don't sleep on the Jaguars!

I Guess Defense Does Win Championships

• So the Denver Broncos won the Super Bowl! I still don’t care, but at least it was a pretty good game. Both defenses were excellent, but it was Denver’s defense that was able to put points on the board.

This nice, studious looking gentleman is a monster.

• The Carolina Panthers, who averaged over 31 points a game in the regular season were held to just 10 points. Many of their wounds were self-inflicted, but Cam Newton and the offensive line were getting absolutely flattened all game long -- Denver had 13 quarterback knockdowns, four forced fumbles (recovered three), seven sacks, and an interception -- and somehow they looked even more dominant than those numbers indicate. (Here’s an interesting article on how Denver’s defensive scheme kept the Panthers in check all game long.)

• As good as the defenses were, the offenses were … not. Let’s start with Carolina. The Panthers amassed a total of 315 yards, but turned the ball over four times! They were 3-for-15 on third downs and gained 4.2 yards per play. It could have been a really interesting game if Carolina hadn’t continually shot itself in the foot with turnovers and penalties -- 12 for 102 yards!

Poor running back Mike Tolbert -- who hadn't fumbled in four
years -- fumbled twice in the first half.

• Eli and Peyton Manning already have a lot in common (playing quarterback, DNA, &c), but now they also share winning a Super Bowl on the backs of their defenses. For a fleeting, blood-chilling moment, I feared they might give the Super Bowl MVP to Peyton in some kind of maudlin gesture, but thank goodness it rightfully went to Von Miller.

Then they would have had even more in common, because even Eli
knows his Super Bowl MVPs belong to Justin Tuck. 

• Everyone knows that the Denver defense won the game for them, but the numbers for Peyton Manning and the offense are truly ghastly. Manning was 13-for-23 with one interception, zero touchdowns, and a 9.9 QBR (that’s out of 100, kids). The offense as a whole only gained 194 yards! TOTAL! The only offensive touchdown came after their defense gave them the ball on the four-yard line (so I’m going to count that as a defensive touchdown). I was happy for Denver’s defense getting the well-deserved win, but typing out these offensive stats makes me mad that this team won! HALF of their 14 drives were three-and-outs! They were 1-for-14 on third downs!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you give a title to only part of a team?

• Maybe that’s what Eli’s dismay was for when the Broncos scored the go-ahead touchdown with three minutes left in the game.

• Peyton is now the winningest quarterback in NFL history with a nice, even 200 wins. He’s also the only starting quarterback to win Super Bowls with more than one team.

That's cool and all, but I'm still stuck on how
horrible and undeserving he and the offense were.

• So remember Thomas Davis? The Carolina linebacker who broke his arm two weeks ago and swore he was going to play in the Super Bowl? Well, he did. He took a picture of his arm after the game, and it was disgusting.

If this is actually real, 1) ew; 2) those doctors might
want to work on their sewing skills. 

• Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib had a rough game. He was called for three penalties in the first half alone (two of which were personal fouls, and he could have easily been called for offsides on Carolina’s missed field goal attempt). One of his penalties was for trying to decapitate a Panthers receiver -- a foul he admits he committed intentionally because it only cost the team one-and-a-half yards.

• Talib’s awful and a jerk, but doesn’t he look like Oscar-winning British actor Ben Kingsley?

• Cam Newton is getting a facing a lot of criticism for his postgame press conference, which lasted all of two-and-a-half minutes before Newton walked out. I feel for him, but two things, Cam: 1) you ticked off a lot of people with your celebrations and attitude all season. That’s all fine and good when you’re winning, but you have to be prepared for the comeuppance when you lose. 2) Having to deal with the media moments after your heart’s been broken is part of the reason your salary is in the millions. I feel for you, but my sympathy’s quite limited.

• Cam’s many haters are having a field day right now, but Peyton Manning is not among them. He praised Cam’s postgame behavior, calling him “extremely humble” and “very nice.”

• I’ll take Cam Newton’s postgame behavior over Manning’s. Immediately after the game, Manning was interviewed and could not help plugging for Budweiser, a company in which he owns shares. Good God, Peyton, take a break. How much effing money do you need? You just reached the pinnacle of your career and probably played your last game after 18 seasons, and your first thought is to shill some product like a two-bit snake oil salesman?? (Oh, and you better believe Papa John was on the freaking Super Bowl field with Peyton.) You’d think Manning’s kids were starving on the street the way he pursues his damn endorsements. I was kind of happy for Peyton winning up until that moment.

• After the victory, Annabel Bowlen, the wife of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, took a moment to congratulate the, uh, team. She also served as a PSA to remind women everywhere to go easy on the plastic surgery.

Eek.

• In her defense, though, there must be a lot of pressure being the wife of an NFL owner -- some of them are dating women who are literally less than half their age.

I get so embarrassed and sad when I see these two.

• The NFL Honors aired the night before the Super Bowl. Charles Woodson won the Art Rooney Sportsmanship Award (yaay!), andJJ Watt won his third Defensive Player of the Year award (duh!). The only other interesting thing was Antonio Brown winning the Fantasy Player of the Year, and thanking himself. His hair is pretty interesting, too, I suppose.

• Don’t ask me about any of the commercials because ohmygosh I don't care. And I definitely don't care about the halftime show. Also, I wish the media would stop colluding to try to convince me that Beyonce is so amazing and so cool and so incredible. She's not. Her music isn’t very good and she insists on wearing unflattering leotards all the time.

She was great in Destiny's Child, though. For real.

• Well, alas, the season is over, and now we turn to the slow summer months of NFL players getting fired and arrested. For obvious reasons, next season will be much, much better than this season.

• Now that the Super Bowl over, it's time prepare for the 2016 season, when Green Bay will reclaim its rightful place atop the league. I’m ready. Jordy, you ready?

Leftovers

• The fact that there weren’t any (real) football games this weekend didn’t dissuade me from foisting my random football thoughts upon the internets once again. The week before the Super Bowl is the perfect chance to share the leftovers, the things that just didn’t fit into any other week’s post, like the above photo of Jordy and Randall smoldering at the camera like models. Or this picture of former St. Louis Rams and Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Torry Holt’s hand:

Aaaaaahhhhhhh!

• They haven’t announced any awards yet this season, but the Comeback Player of the Year has to be Eric Berry. The Kansas City Chiefs safety was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma in December of 2014, and went through several months of chemotherapy -- and continued to train throughout the treatment! After Berry was cleared to resume playing football in the offseason, he played in all 16 games this season and was selected to the Pro Bowl. Try to top that comeback story.

Here he is with his mom before his first game back.
*Sniff* It's really dusty in here all of a sudden.

• Next time I feel tempted to complain about the injuries the Green Bay Packers have suffered, I will remind myself that the Baltimore Ravens had 22 players on injured reserve this year.

• Can anyone explain what goes through Jerry Jones’ head? The Dallas Cowboys owner and GM smiled his soulless grin throughout the whole Greg Hardy debacle -- signing him after the PR nightmare of Hardy’s domestic violence charge, chuckling through Hardy’s disaster of a first interview in which he made comments about opponents’ wives and expressed zero remorse for the actions that kept him out almost all of the 2014 season, shrugging off the matter when photos of the battered girlfriend emerged, reaffirming Hardy as a “leader” when he shoved a coach on the sidelines, then doubling down and saying he wanted to extend Hardy after the season. Now it appears that the Cowboys are not going to re-sign him. For the myriad of above reasons? Nope! The Cowboys were unhappy with Hardy’s partying throughout the season that led to poor conditioning and missed meetings. Their reasoning is amusing considering that there have been several rumors of the Cowboys' interest in Johnny Manziel.

And, hey, I hear Manziel is in the area!

• Speaking of the erstwhile Johnny Football, doesn’t he look like ‘50s singer Bobby Darin?? Like, a lot?

• Megatron is retiring!! Calvin Johnson, the 30-year-old Detroit Lions receiver, is reportedly walking away from the game. Even though he’s a division rival, I loooooove Johnson and am sad we won’t get to watch crazy highlights from him every week in the future. That said, I’m glad he’s walking away on his own and all that. For your viewing pleasure, here's a compilation of his best catches against every opponent.

• Justin Tuck, another one of my favorite non-Packers players is also retiring. =( I’ve been a huge fan of Tuck ever since his Notre Dame days! Bye, Justin! I'll miss you!

• The Chicago Tribune ran this obituary of a local sports fan.

Good woman. May she rest in peace.

• Aaron Rodgers had knee surgery last month!! It was reported that the surgery was just to “clean up” his knee, but Packers fans have jumped on the news as a possible reason for Rodgers’ not-great-by-his-standards season. I hope he’s all healed up by next season so he can do a lot of this with Jordy:

• Clay Matthews made the Pro Bowl as an inside linebacker and decided to take all the Green Bay inside linebackers to Hawaii with him. The unit should be extremely grateful because a) that’s super nice of him, and b) that’s the closest that group is ever going to get to the Pro Bowl. So thanks, Clay!

• There were no highlights from the this year's boring-even-for-the-Pro-Bowl Pro Bowl, so let’s throw back to last year when Jordy scored a touchdown and celebrated with Clay, who was on the opposing team.

• I think it's ridiculous that players who are, like, fifth-string choices for the Pro Bowl get to put that on their resume as if they were actually voted in. They only get to play because none of the big names want to waste their time, which is fine, but now Tyrod Taylor can be referred to as a Pro Bowl quarterback??

• I’m hoping for a good Super Bowl, but I just can’t get over the fact that the people in charge are allowing Phil Simms to announce the biggest game of the year! Do they not follow Phil Simms Quotes on Twitter??

• I don’t like the Carolina Panthers, but this article detailing how against-the-odds Carolina’s rise has been and the fact that I really like Luke Kuechly means I’m probably going to cheer for them in the Super Bowl. But I really don’t care.

• Neither does Jordy. He's ready for next season to start.

Me too, J.