Cheaters Always Prosper

• So the cheating cheats from Cheatsville won again. How nice for them.

• The Atlanta Falcons. The Atlanta Falcons, man. They were up 28-3 late in the third quarter! They allowed three points the entire first half, then allowed 31 straight points to end the game!!! To them, I can only say:

• No, no, I really do feel for Falcons fans. That must have hurt a lot. Seriously, it finally felt like your year! Nine years after taking Matt Ryan with the #3 pick in the draft, five years after trading away almost two drafts’ worth of picks for Julio Jones, after years of watching the New Orleans Saints and Carolina Panthers make the playoffs, after years and years of being good but never really doing anything about it, you guys finally buckled down and took care of business. You marched through the season, steamrolling other teams to take your division. You earned your Wild Card bye. You dismissed the Seattle Seahawks without ceremony. You stomped on the Green Bay Packers. You made it, at last, to the Super Bowl. The entire country wanted you to win and had your back. You came out and knocked those reviled Patriots right in the mouth. You did this to their defense:

Taylor Gabriel is out here embarrassing people. https://t.co/1pPs9fxxId pic.twitter.com/YES0TfW5Kq

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) February 6, 2017

• ...You got the rare Brady pick-six.

• ...You came out on fire and took a 25-point second-half lead. And then -- you -- after all that -- you just -- I’m sorry! I can’t!

• I just want you all to know that it was way worse for me because I KNEW THIS WAS COMING! Before the game, I thought Atlanta was going to win, but with about one minute left in the first half, with the Falcons up 21-0, I turned to my brother (he’s my witness!) in a panic and told him, “The Patriots are going to win!” He tried to soothe me, saying that Atlanta would score a bunch more points in the second half, but it was too late because I knew! I could feel it! I could feel the cliched articles being written. I could feel idiots across the country celebrating Brady “sticking it” to Roger Goodell. I could feel the “experience matters” tweets being prepared. I COULD FEEL IT AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP IT.

• Even as I cheered this absolutely incredible Julio Jones catch, my heart was ill at ease.

• Because, sure enough, the Patriots had to one-up Julio.

• There’s certainly blame enough to go around in Atlanta, but there were two HUGE plays that really cost the Falcons, and both saw a failure in protection. On a third-and-1 in the fourth quarter, Ryan dropped back to pass (even though running back Devonta Freeman had been averaging 8.2 yards a carry) and Freeman (maybe?) failed to pick up a rushing Dont'a Hightower, who sacked Ryan and forced a killer fumble midway through the fourth.

• The second absolutely brutal play came with Atlanta up 28-20 with 3:50 left in regulation on the New England 23-yard line. Atlanta could have just kicked a field goal and all but sealed the game right there! Instead, after losing a yard on a first-down run, Ryan was sacked for a loss of 12 yards, pushing the Falcons to the edge of their kicker’s range. (Really? 50 yards is his limit? In a dome? Whatever.) A holding penalty on the next snap snuffed out the field goal hopes and Atlanta was forced to punt to New England.

• I’m not sure who takes the blame there: the offensive line for allowing the sack? Matt Ryan for not throwing the ball away? The offensive coordinator for not just running the darn ball in a game where Atlanta had been gaining most of their offense on the ground?

• The last point is a huge issue the decision to pass got them sacked out of field goal range and the incompletions kept on stopping the clock. Not only did they come away with no points, but they gifted New England the extra time it so desperately needed!

• That Atlanta found its early success running rather than throwing was actually the biggest surprise to me. (Since I could feel the bile of dread rising in my throat the entire game, the comeback wasn’t that much of a surprise.) The box score doesn’t really reflect this -- Atlanta and New England somehow both finished with 104 rushing yards??? -- but the Falcons were killing the Patriots in the run game the entire first half.

• If I were a New England fan  -- well, if I were, I’d kill myself, but for the purpose of this football discussion, I’m going to continue the sentence -- I would have been horribly upset with the time management in the entire second half. Down three scores, the Patriots were still huddling up and moseying to the line. Things ended up working out for them, but they very well could have cost themselves the victory with their completely unhurried approach for the entire third and much of the fourth quarters.

• Why is Matt Ryan’s face so gaunt? Doesn’t he get enough food?

• Ugh this is all just so horrible! I’m so unhappy. The Patriots now have the most Super Bowl appearances. Tom Brady has the most Super Bowl wins among quarterbacks. Bill Belichick has the most Super Bowls for a coach. It’s all just so devastating. Because you know who are the only bigger ---------s than the New England Patriots players? Every single New England Patriots fan. 

• Next year’s Super Bowl will be held in Minneapolis. The Vikings have a dome, so lucky for the fans during the actual game, but have any of the people who made this decision ever actually been in Minnesota in February? The high today is 13 degrees. Without the windchill.

• This article features 51 facts about Super Bowl 51, and it numbers them all in Roman numerals, except for #50. Did they think we’d all get thrown by “L”? Or that we wouldn’t be able to piece it together from the 50 other context clues we had?

• I am soooooo sad about Teddy Bridgewater! The Minnesota Vikings’ QB blew out his knee in training camp this season, missing all of the 2016 season. Now, it’s being reported that he’s going to miss all of 2017 too, since the damage to his knee requires more than a year-and-a-half recovery period. Yes, of course, the Vikings are my mortal enemy, but how do you not feel bad for this kid? It would not be surprising for this injury to turn out to be career-ending, but I really, really hope that he’s able to come back in 2018 and play great. (Not too great, though. He is still a Viking.)

• Minnesota fans must be extra depressed since that means another season of Sam Bradford. Sam Bradford’s probably not too excited about it, either.

"Pleeaaassee! Somebody help me! This isn't about
the game anymore! I don't want to die!"

• The Pro Bowl was played, reportedly, though who knows because no one watched it. The final score was 20-13 AFC, which is really, really low considering that no defense was played. On that note, since the players don’t play defense, which I totally understand in the Pro Bowl, they should make it two-hand touch or something so that the offensive players have to actually try.

• Speaking of trying, one player in the Pro Bowl did try, and I absolutely love him for it. Kirk Cousins, who is a free agent looking for a big payday, threw a pass that was tipped and intercepted. The intecepter returned it a ways, then lateraled it to a teammate, who was headed for the endzone when my man Cousins chased him down and stripped the ball! Now, Cousins’ team did not recover the fumble and that was pretty much the end of the game, but STILL! How do you not appreciate that man’s effort?

• I watched the NFL Honors show so you didn’t have to. By far the best line of the night from host Keegan-Michael Key: “Dak and Zeke led the Dallas Cowboys to the NFC’s number one seed. And even though they’re both rookies, they looked like Cowboys veterans in the way they immediately lost in the playoffs.”  Hahahahahahaha it’s funny because it’s true.

• Key also got a zing in on Green Bay: “The playoffs got really great ratings this year. For instance, the NFC Championship was watched by 46 million people -- and the Packers’ secondary.”

• Can someone tell me why the BLEEP Jerral Jones was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame? Saying as, ya know, he never played in the NFL?

Maybe there'd be more room for guys like Terrell Owens if
we didn't include people who weren't in the NFL.

• The best part of the NFL Honors was Jordy Nelson winning Comeback Player of the Year!!

• Besides Packers winning, the other best part of these awards shows is getting to see Green Bay players all dressed up and looking dapper.

(I cropped out his fiancee.)

• Some clever fans introduced us to Sideline Ninja’s non-superhero alter ego: Nerdy Jelson!

• It was a roller coaster year for Green Bay. There were a lot of highs, but it eventually ended with disappointment. I feel good about 2017, though. It'll be our year! Till next season, Packers fans.

2016 Offseason Edition

The Dream Team's back together!!

• This was just going to be a light-hearted offseason recap, but then the Green Bay Packers went and released Josh Sitton!! He’s been a stalwart left guard for the Packers, their strongest lineman, their most consistent, their most durable, and has been considered one of the best guards in the league! Why, Ted Thompson, why?? No one saw this coming! And no matter what they say, the Pack can’t feel great about replacing a Pro Bowler with Lane Taylor (who always makes me think of a women’s clothing store). It sounds like Sitton wanted a contract extension, and the Packers had too many concerns about his health (he’s struggled with back injuries) and his cost.

Also, I feel bad for all his o-linemen friends. That chemistry
is really important in an offensive line!

• I really want to wish Sitton well, but then he went and signed with the CHICAGO BEARS!!! I can’t blame Sitton for taking a 3-year, $21.75 million contract ($10 million guaranteed) with a chance to play his old team twice a year, but now I can’t say, “Best of luck, Josh!” because him playing well means fewer Jay Cutler sacks, and you know I can’t cheer for that.

• While we’re getting out all of our sad news, the Packers also released punter Tim Masthay. I’m not sure if this is a move they’ll regret or not -- former Tampa Bay Buccaneers punter Jacob Schum, newly signed, has looked good in preseason -- but I’m sad for Masthay, who hoped to play his entire career in Green Bay and seems like such a nice guy! For example, here’s what Masthay had to say about his replacement: “I hope Jake plays fantastic [in his first preseason game with Green Bay], and I hope he goes on to have a fantastic career here. I wish all the best for him, and I hope he has a great experience with the organization.” Awww, I’ll miss you, Ginger Wolverine!

Also, I feel bad for his bff Mason Crosby. =(

• I’ll keep the hits coming: backup QB Scott Tolzien left in free agency. I guess all my #ActivateTolzien hashtags will now belong to the Indianapolis Colts.

• Oh yeah, and B.J. RAJI RETIRED!!! It came as a huge surprise that the 29-year-old defensive lineman walked away after deciding his heart just wasn’t in it.

We'll miss you, B.J.!

• The Packers cut someone named Alstevis Squirewell, which I think was a mistake, because how often are you going to have the chance to put “Alstevis Squirewell” on your roster?

• Casey Hayward was a victim of Green Bay’s stacked cornerback position and so left the Pack in free agency, signing with the San Diego Chargers. You got a great cornerback, San Diego -- maybe he’ll actually get the playing time he deserves there.

• Megatron retiring is old news by now, but here’s a cool link to an interview with three NFC cornerbacks who had to play against Calvin Johnson. Also, Calvin is going to be on Dancing with the Stars this season. I’ll keep you updated on that as necessary.

• I really don’t particularly care about Peyton Manning, but it makes me really sad that he turned down a one-day contract with the Colts to retire as a Denver Bronco. I get that he had his triumphant comeback and sunset Super Bowl with the Broncos, but he played 14 seasons with Indianapolis! Poor Colts fans.

• Skip Bayless, of blowhard notoriety, mercifully has left ESPN’s First Take, so we’ll at least be spared the incoherence and banality of Bayless and Stephen A. Smith shouting nonsensical words at the same time. In honor of Skip, who has the unique talent of always being wrong while simultaneously insisting that he is absolutely 100% right, here are his 10 dumbest tweets.

It was really difficult to choose which of these to screenshot.
So many idiotic tweets to choose from.

• I make fun of the monstrosity that is JerryWorld often, but the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium was put to good use this offseason, hosting 100 underprivileged kids for a giant sleepover on the field. Each kid got his own personalized bed, decked out with Cowboys gear, and the beds were delivered to the kids’ homes next day, courtesy of the sponsor. Pretty cool, Cowboys.

• Umm speaking of the Cowboys … I had a lot of slightly unkind jokes primed for the start of the season, most of them involving Tony Romo and his frail back. Now that Romo is actually out for the first 6-10 weeks with a broken bone in his back, I will skip the jokes because I feel bad.

"Please, coach! I'm in so much pain! Please don't make me play!"
"Muhahahahaha!" 

• I half expected a patented Jerry Jones, “We expect Tony to start Week 1, unless the doctors discover that he’s a big sissy” statement, but it looks like we’ll have to wait until Week 4 or 5 for that.

Yep, there it is.

• At least Dak Prescott is not Kellan Moore … or Brandon Weeden … or Matt Cassel…

The bad news is that Mark Sanchez is still Mark Sanchez.

• I’m also very sad for Teddy Bridgewater, the Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback who destroyed his knee in practice last week and is out for the entire season.

Get better soon, Teddy!

• The Vikings gave up a first-round pick, along with a conditional fourth-rounder, to acquire Sam Bradford from the Philadelphia Eagles to replace Bridgewater. This is very interesting. On the one hand they gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to their current backup, Shaun Hill!

• On the same hand, the Vikes gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to the recently released Mark Sanchez, for whom the Cowboys gave up nothing.

• On the other hand, Minnesota has a crazy good defense, an aging Adrian Peterson, and had a great shot at a deep playoff run. Many have them as their sleeper pick even. As much as I like Shaun Hill -- and I actually like him a lot -- it seems like a stretch to envision him leading a team to a Super Bowl, so I understand Minnesota’s urgency. What I don’t understand is Minnesota’s long-term plan. What happens next season? The Vikings have taken on Bradford onerous contract which, I believe, is guaranteed through the 2017 season. What will they do next offseason when (if?) Bridgewater is ready to return? Is this a sign that Bridgewater’s injury is so severe that they’re looking beyond 2016? Or are they just desperate not to waste this talented roster?

• Have we talked about how darn endearing Andrew Luck is? The guy runs his own book club, with selections for both children and adults, and he still uses a flip phone. The multi-, multi-, multi-millionaire finally upgraded his phone this summer and got a … new flip phone. God bless Andrew Luck.

• Uuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh that awful Mike Pereira wrote his own book, After Further Review. Blech. Real clever title there, Mike. I wonder if the actual pages are greasy with his oily smugness. I  might have to buy this book just so I can give it a scathing Amazon review.

"It's so weird how this book I put next to Troy
Aikman is, like, right there next to Troy Aikman."

• I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but I haven’t wanted to say anything in the hopes that he’d change it, but Julius Peppers’ hair is not working for him. He looks like he’s trying too hard to look hip. It's the equivalent of a 50-year-old woman wearing chunky platform heels and a mini-skirt.

It's just a little too Roger from Sister, Sister for me.

• Randall Cobb graduated from the University of Kentucky this offseason. Congrats!

He's got looks, he's got brains -- what doesn't Green Eyes have??

• Okay, okay, all of this has just been small talk. We all know what this season’s really about: JORDY NELSON IS BACK!!!!!!! After a long and dark 2015 season in which Jordy never took the field, the dawn has broken upon the world once more.

You have no idea how much we (I) missed you, Jordy.

• The Packers have been cautious with Nelson, to say the least. All year long, he was said to be well ahead of schedule after tearing his ACL last August. He experienced a “hiccup” in his uninjured knee sometime around training camp, but insists it fine. He did not play in any preseason, but says he’s a “full go” to start Week 1.

• In the offseason, Jordy teamed up with Jockey to tell his story of adopting his son and to encourage adoption. Aaaaawwwwwwwww! That’s so adorable! I mean, could he be any more perfect??? (You can imagine my reaction when I first saw this.)

• And here’s Jordy just, ya know, doing some push-ups while his kids play.

• And here he is just hanging out, being a rugged farmer.

• I’M SO GLAD HE’S BACK! (So is Clay.)

• First up: Jacksonville. Don't sleep on the Jaguars!

Finally, a Win!

• Whew, thank goodness for the Green Bay Packers’ win over the Minnesota Vikings! Not only did the victory end a three-game slide for Green Bay, but also allowed them to regain the division lead from Minnesota.

• The Packers defense was excellent, allowing only 13 points, sacking Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater six times (after 39 consecutive drives without a sack!), and holding the best running back in the league to 45 yards on 13 carries! They also forced a Adrian Peterson fumble.

• The offense looked much better, as well. They were much closer to finding and maintaining a rhythm on several drives. Most importantly, they finally let Eddie Lacy out of the doghouse, and he found his legs to the tune of 100 yards. I’m soooooooooooooo glad! James Starks is very nice, I’m sure, but you all must know by now that I am not a believer in him as a starter.

Don't leave us again!

• Though the win was huge, the Packers’ offensive issues were still apparent. Aaron Rodgers completed only 47% of his passes (he seemed to overthrow several), Randall Cobb caught only two of his nine targets, and they only got into the redzone twice. Rodgers did, however, look downfield more, which is a good thing, even if it didn’t work out a lot this game. His low completion percentage might just be a tradeoff he and the team has to live with in order to get the defensive looks they want.

• The MVP of the game was Mason Crosby, who bounced back from whiffing the would-be winning kick last week to hit field goals of 42, 47, 40, 42, and 52 yards.

(His arms look photoshopped here.)

• Crosby was not only perfect on Sunday, but he also drew a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty from Vikings returner Cordarrelle Patterson, who, for no reason at all, got in Crosby’s face after a kick return.

Hey, you leave Mason alone! He didn't do anything to you!
Also, fix your visor -- you look like an idiot.

• Coming into the game, center Corey Linsley was the only offensive lineman who was not listed on the injury report. So of course he injured his ankle in Sunday's game and did not return. Additionally, safety Micah Hyde re-injured his hip and was carted off the field. Receivers Jared Abbrederis and Ty Montgomery were already out for the game.

• I don't care what his official profiel says, Green Bay tight end Justin Perillo ain’t no 25 years old.

• James Jones had a big drop in the first half, but came back with two incredible catches on the second half touchdown drive. It was a great drive for Rodgers and Jones.

• First was this awesome, bobbling catch for 37 yards. Look at the effort to control the ball and establish possession before he hits the turf!

• Then Jones made sure to keep his feet inbounds on this touchdown.

• And then JJ was there when Aaron needed him on the two-point conversion.

• Jones also garnered a lot of attention for his hoodie which shockingly -- for a league that fines players for wearing the wrong color socks -- was legal.

Jordy was a fan.

• In other uniform news, I still love Minnesota's matte helmets. Very chic.

• But I still hate their pants and can’t understand why companies whose job it is to make football uniforms haven’t come up with a better white pants pattern.

You're telling me you can't make a pair of white
football pants that don't include a built-in diaper??

• Poor Joe Flacco! The Baltimore Ravens quarterback, who has never missed a game in his career before, tore his ACL and is out for the season. (Flacco crazily stayed in the game for the final 50 seconds after his injury.) The Ravens also lost their running back, Justin Forsett, for the season to a broken arm. I do feel bad for Baltimore, but I also hate the Ravens, so my empathy mostly insincere.

• The Ravens’ backup is --- AHHHH!! --- Matt Schaub!! Watching Schaub’s jaw-droppingly fast and brutal free fall a couple of years ago was stunning and sad. I’m kinda secretly excited he has a chance to play again and am really, really rooting for him not to be terrible.

In his last season with the Texans, Schaub threw 10 TDs and 14 INTs,
and set an NFL record by throwing pick-sixes in 4 consecutive games.

• I was about to feel bad for St. Louis Rams quarterback Nick Foles, who was demoted this week, but then I saw that he has six interceptions and five fumbles to seven touchdowns on the season, so that’s actually pretty fair.

• It’s absolutely unconscionable that the Rams left backup quarterback Case Keenum in the game when he was obviously suffering from a concussion. Teams are supposed to all have independent observers to look specifically for players who might have suffered a concussion and tell teams to pull those players out for an evaluation. In the case of Keenum, he is tackled, and his head slams violently against the turf. He immediately grabs his head in pain. His teammate tries to force his limp body up, but Keenum collapses right back to the turf. The Rams have to expect some kind of penalty from a league that is trying desperately to show they take concussions seriously.

• The Indianapolis Colts won! They came back to beat the Atlanta Falcons, who struggled mightily, turning the ball over four times. Indy quarterback Andrew Luck is out again due to injury, meaning 40-year-old backup Matt Hasselbeck was back leading the team. In case you haven’t noticed, I am so on the Matt Hasselbeck bandwagon.

He just seems so sweet and nice and hardworking and likable!

• Do you know what would be really awkward? Having to dispute reports that your defensive coordinator was fired when everyone knows he’s just about to be fired, as New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton had to do last Monday. Doubly awkward when said defensive coordinator follows up his firing with a Hurricane Katrina joke. Oh, that Rob Ryan. Such a charmer.

• Now, I’m not saying that the New England Patriots aren’t good; I’m just saying that only one of the 10 teams they’ve beat thus far currently has a winning record. And I’m not saying that they deserve to go 16-0; I’m just saying that if you exclude the Denver Broncos (who now have a question mark at quarterback), the combined record of the rest of the teams they’ll face this season is 20-30.

• The same actually holds true for the league’s other undefeated team, the Carolina Panthers -- the Packers are the only team they’ve beaten who currently have a winning record. They face a tougher schedule than the Patriots, since their remaining slate features the 6-4 Atlanta Falcons twice. Even with the Falcons, their remaining opponents have a combined record of 29-31.

• Sunday night’s game between the Arizona Cardinals and the Cincinnati Bengals featured a pretty exciting second half. Cincinnati came back from down 14 to kick a game-tying field goal with 1:03 left. Arizona got the ball back, and have three huge completions to get into field goal range. Arizona lined up for a 46-yard field goal, but jumped offsides! Not only is that a five-yard penalty, but it also comes with a 10-second runoff when in the final two minutes of a game. That meant the clock ran out before the Cardinals could kick, sending the game into overtime. Well, that’s what it would have meant if the Bengals hadn’t been called for unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for simulating the snap count. That moved the Cardinals up, and they kicked an easy 32-yard field goal for the win.

Bengals WR AJ Green's reaction as Arizona kicked the winning field goal.

• I had never heard that penalty called before. Why is it unsportsmanlike for the defensive to dummycall but not the offense? In both cases, aren’t you trying to trick the opponent?

• Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo returned from a broken collarbone injury to lead his team to victory over the Miami Dolphins. The Cowboys went 0-7 in Romo’s absence, and will need to win out (or at least close to it, considering how terrible their division is) to make the playoffs. I, for one, was very happy to see Romo back and the Cowboys win. I really, really enjoy watching Dallas fans get their hopes up.

This will be me.
In December.
Laughing at Cowboys fans.

• Jerry Jones spoke with the media about the recent meeting he had with defensive end Greg Hardy’s conduct, and, as always, some wonderful Jerry quotes were the result.
• “He is aware that everything he does -- his personality, his style, his enthusiasm -- it's all going to be interpreted negatively. If he's not aware of that, then he's hurting a lot of people.” So he’s definitely aware, but he might not be aware.
• “I think he really gets that. We certainly feel that way. He understands it, and he has agreed to really work on it." Good for Greg for agreeing to work on not hitting women and not being flippant about his punishment for hitting women.
• Jones said he’ll use his own experience with criticism to help Hardy: “If anyone knows how to hunker down, it's me." Not really relevant or comparable, but okay.
• “I will say this: over the last three or four weeks, I would hate to see anybody who had more pressure on him than Hardy." Putting aside the terrible sentence structure, Jones fishing for sympathy for Hardy is not going to be very effective.
• “But there is no second chance in regards to the issue of domestic violence. None.” Presumably Jerry means after the second chance they gave Hardy in signing him.

• Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch missed Sunday’s game against the San Francisco 49ers due to an abdomen injury. (There’s some concern he could miss the rest of the season.) Backup Thomas Rawls played in Lynch’s stead and ran for 209 yards and scored two touchdowns! Lynch approved of Rawls’ play:

• The Carolina Panthers are 10-0. The Dallas Cowboys are 3-7. And yet, the Cowboys are favored in the Thanksgiving matchup??

• Denver now-starting quarterback Brock Osweiler is 6’8”!!!

• It’s a short week for the Packers, who will play Thursday night, but luckily, they’ll face Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears, so we’ll have a lot of this to look forward to:

• And this:

• And hopefully some of this:

• It must kill Jordy to miss a game against the Bears. You can usually just pencil him in for a couple of 60+ yard touchdowns when he’s facing Chicago.