Cheaters Always Prosper

• So the cheating cheats from Cheatsville won again. How nice for them.

• The Atlanta Falcons. The Atlanta Falcons, man. They were up 28-3 late in the third quarter! They allowed three points the entire first half, then allowed 31 straight points to end the game!!! To them, I can only say:

• No, no, I really do feel for Falcons fans. That must have hurt a lot. Seriously, it finally felt like your year! Nine years after taking Matt Ryan with the #3 pick in the draft, five years after trading away almost two drafts’ worth of picks for Julio Jones, after years of watching the New Orleans Saints and Carolina Panthers make the playoffs, after years and years of being good but never really doing anything about it, you guys finally buckled down and took care of business. You marched through the season, steamrolling other teams to take your division. You earned your Wild Card bye. You dismissed the Seattle Seahawks without ceremony. You stomped on the Green Bay Packers. You made it, at last, to the Super Bowl. The entire country wanted you to win and had your back. You came out and knocked those reviled Patriots right in the mouth. You did this to their defense:

Taylor Gabriel is out here embarrassing people. https://t.co/1pPs9fxxId pic.twitter.com/YES0TfW5Kq

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) February 6, 2017

• ...You got the rare Brady pick-six.

• ...You came out on fire and took a 25-point second-half lead. And then -- you -- after all that -- you just -- I’m sorry! I can’t!

• I just want you all to know that it was way worse for me because I KNEW THIS WAS COMING! Before the game, I thought Atlanta was going to win, but with about one minute left in the first half, with the Falcons up 21-0, I turned to my brother (he’s my witness!) in a panic and told him, “The Patriots are going to win!” He tried to soothe me, saying that Atlanta would score a bunch more points in the second half, but it was too late because I knew! I could feel it! I could feel the cliched articles being written. I could feel idiots across the country celebrating Brady “sticking it” to Roger Goodell. I could feel the “experience matters” tweets being prepared. I COULD FEEL IT AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP IT.

• Even as I cheered this absolutely incredible Julio Jones catch, my heart was ill at ease.

• Because, sure enough, the Patriots had to one-up Julio.

• There’s certainly blame enough to go around in Atlanta, but there were two HUGE plays that really cost the Falcons, and both saw a failure in protection. On a third-and-1 in the fourth quarter, Ryan dropped back to pass (even though running back Devonta Freeman had been averaging 8.2 yards a carry) and Freeman (maybe?) failed to pick up a rushing Dont'a Hightower, who sacked Ryan and forced a killer fumble midway through the fourth.

• The second absolutely brutal play came with Atlanta up 28-20 with 3:50 left in regulation on the New England 23-yard line. Atlanta could have just kicked a field goal and all but sealed the game right there! Instead, after losing a yard on a first-down run, Ryan was sacked for a loss of 12 yards, pushing the Falcons to the edge of their kicker’s range. (Really? 50 yards is his limit? In a dome? Whatever.) A holding penalty on the next snap snuffed out the field goal hopes and Atlanta was forced to punt to New England.

• I’m not sure who takes the blame there: the offensive line for allowing the sack? Matt Ryan for not throwing the ball away? The offensive coordinator for not just running the darn ball in a game where Atlanta had been gaining most of their offense on the ground?

• The last point is a huge issue the decision to pass got them sacked out of field goal range and the incompletions kept on stopping the clock. Not only did they come away with no points, but they gifted New England the extra time it so desperately needed!

• That Atlanta found its early success running rather than throwing was actually the biggest surprise to me. (Since I could feel the bile of dread rising in my throat the entire game, the comeback wasn’t that much of a surprise.) The box score doesn’t really reflect this -- Atlanta and New England somehow both finished with 104 rushing yards??? -- but the Falcons were killing the Patriots in the run game the entire first half.

• If I were a New England fan  -- well, if I were, I’d kill myself, but for the purpose of this football discussion, I’m going to continue the sentence -- I would have been horribly upset with the time management in the entire second half. Down three scores, the Patriots were still huddling up and moseying to the line. Things ended up working out for them, but they very well could have cost themselves the victory with their completely unhurried approach for the entire third and much of the fourth quarters.

• Why is Matt Ryan’s face so gaunt? Doesn’t he get enough food?

• Ugh this is all just so horrible! I’m so unhappy. The Patriots now have the most Super Bowl appearances. Tom Brady has the most Super Bowl wins among quarterbacks. Bill Belichick has the most Super Bowls for a coach. It’s all just so devastating. Because you know who are the only bigger ---------s than the New England Patriots players? Every single New England Patriots fan. 

• Next year’s Super Bowl will be held in Minneapolis. The Vikings have a dome, so lucky for the fans during the actual game, but have any of the people who made this decision ever actually been in Minnesota in February? The high today is 13 degrees. Without the windchill.

• This article features 51 facts about Super Bowl 51, and it numbers them all in Roman numerals, except for #50. Did they think we’d all get thrown by “L”? Or that we wouldn’t be able to piece it together from the 50 other context clues we had?

• I am soooooo sad about Teddy Bridgewater! The Minnesota Vikings’ QB blew out his knee in training camp this season, missing all of the 2016 season. Now, it’s being reported that he’s going to miss all of 2017 too, since the damage to his knee requires more than a year-and-a-half recovery period. Yes, of course, the Vikings are my mortal enemy, but how do you not feel bad for this kid? It would not be surprising for this injury to turn out to be career-ending, but I really, really hope that he’s able to come back in 2018 and play great. (Not too great, though. He is still a Viking.)

• Minnesota fans must be extra depressed since that means another season of Sam Bradford. Sam Bradford’s probably not too excited about it, either.

"Pleeaaassee! Somebody help me! This isn't about
the game anymore! I don't want to die!"

• The Pro Bowl was played, reportedly, though who knows because no one watched it. The final score was 20-13 AFC, which is really, really low considering that no defense was played. On that note, since the players don’t play defense, which I totally understand in the Pro Bowl, they should make it two-hand touch or something so that the offensive players have to actually try.

• Speaking of trying, one player in the Pro Bowl did try, and I absolutely love him for it. Kirk Cousins, who is a free agent looking for a big payday, threw a pass that was tipped and intercepted. The intecepter returned it a ways, then lateraled it to a teammate, who was headed for the endzone when my man Cousins chased him down and stripped the ball! Now, Cousins’ team did not recover the fumble and that was pretty much the end of the game, but STILL! How do you not appreciate that man’s effort?

• I watched the NFL Honors show so you didn’t have to. By far the best line of the night from host Keegan-Michael Key: “Dak and Zeke led the Dallas Cowboys to the NFC’s number one seed. And even though they’re both rookies, they looked like Cowboys veterans in the way they immediately lost in the playoffs.”  Hahahahahahaha it’s funny because it’s true.

• Key also got a zing in on Green Bay: “The playoffs got really great ratings this year. For instance, the NFC Championship was watched by 46 million people -- and the Packers’ secondary.”

• Can someone tell me why the BLEEP Jerral Jones was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame? Saying as, ya know, he never played in the NFL?

Maybe there'd be more room for guys like Terrell Owens if
we didn't include people who weren't in the NFL.

• The best part of the NFL Honors was Jordy Nelson winning Comeback Player of the Year!!

• Besides Packers winning, the other best part of these awards shows is getting to see Green Bay players all dressed up and looking dapper.

(I cropped out his fiancee.)

• Some clever fans introduced us to Sideline Ninja’s non-superhero alter ego: Nerdy Jelson!

• It was a roller coaster year for Green Bay. There were a lot of highs, but it eventually ended with disappointment. I feel good about 2017, though. It'll be our year! Till next season, Packers fans.

Back to .500!

• Yes, being at .500 is a reason to celebrate for Green Bay Packers and also a good reminder not to celebrate too much. That said, what a fun game!!!! It had it all: perfect football weather, Randall making snow angels, Jordy making big plays, even the defense having good moments, key stops, long drives, Aaron Rodgers looking sharp, and, of course, victory.

• The game started out great with the Packers defense forcing a fumble, but then Rodgers fumbled the ball on the goal line. A couple of punts later, the defense again showed up, stopping Houston on 4th down at midfield. The drive contained a fourth-down conversion of Green Bay’s own and ended with a nice Randall Cobb touchdown and lovely snow angel. (Thank you, refs, for not flagging this.)

Snow angel by @rcobb18! #HOUvsGB #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/ndHS5troIM

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 4, 2016

• After that, the game really stalled (punt, punt, punt, downs for Green Bay) before the offense woke up again. Jordy, in particular, had a monster fourth quarter and finished with eight catches for 118 yards. My favorite was this third-down catch where he just out-muscled the defender. #NinjaBiceps

• It was a tough weekend for Houston corner Charles James. First, he probably got frostbite during warmups.

• Then, he was called up after starting cornerback Jonathan Joseph went down, slipped in the snow and allowed Nelson’s wide open touchdown. And then … he got fired the next day. Poor guy. It’s not easy going up against Jordy.  

• Can I just say how much I love cocky Jordy? It’s so uncharacteristic! The best part is that you can tell it’s a conscious effort, which makes it even cuter that he has to try to be brash. When asked about it, Jordy got all embarrassed, “I was just being … never mind. Just having fun.” Aww!

👈 #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/UQ70ipi1bm

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 4, 2016

• Ol’ Green Eyes brought a spark to special teams, with punt returns of 23 and 21 yards, which were great, but stop using Cobb on punt returns! It makes me nervous! He’s not worth risking. Let Trevor Davis out of the doghouse, for heaven’s sake, and put him back on punts.

• I thought Morgan Burnett had a very nice game, too. In addition to his early fumble recovery, he led the team in tackles and notched a QB hit, as well.

• Oh my gosh, we might have a real NFL running back in Christine (pronounced “Kristen,” remember) Michael! His game was nothing to write home about, but he showed some nice burst and didn’t fall down immediately upon contact!

• Texans linebacker Whitney Mercilus still has the best name for a defender.

• Jim Nantz and Phil Simms passive-aggressively fighting with each other through their commentary is my favorite. You can just tell when Jim Nantz has reached his limit and can’t take Simms’ wildly inaccurate commentary anymore, so he just starts subtly listing statistics that disprove everything Simms is saying.

• A round of applause for Julius Peppers, whose sack of Brock Osweiler Sunday earned him fifth place all-time in NFL history with 142.5 career sacks. Very impressive, Ju-Ju. (True story: I once met an adult man named Julius who introduced himself with “...but you can call me Ju-Ju.”)

• Players who recover onside kicks look like Gus-Gus from Cinderella. 

• Oof. Cam Newton did not start for the Carolina Panthers’ Sunday night game against the Seattle Seahawks due to disciplinary reasons. Carolina’s backup QB, Derek Anderson, took the game’s first snap…and threw an interception 18 yards from his own goal line. The benching was due to a dress code violation -- Cam reportedly did not wear a tie. I’m all for dress codes and punishments, but if you’re going to bench your quarterback for a drive, maybe start with some runs instead of a pass.

• Here’s Nick Fairley swatting at his ex-teammate’s face after a QB hit. You can’t take the player out of Detroit Lions, but not the Detroit Lions out of the player.

Nick Fairley smacked Matthew Stafford IN THE FACE! IN THE FAAAAAAAACE https://t.co/2nUmYKH46c pic.twitter.com/PHaRVbI1w4

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) December 4, 2016

• You know how I said I like Kirk Cousins because he’s kind of a goofball? During a media session this week, Cousins got on the topic of his love for Broadway musicals. And here’s an adorably awkward video of him performing in high school. He’s good!

• Thanks for nothing, New Orleans. For the last 60 home games, Drew Brees has thrown a touchdown, but decide to give that up this Sunday when he played the Detroit Lions, who I really needed to lose. Not only did Brees not throw a touchdown in the Saints 28-13 loss, but he threw three interceptions! It’s also the first game of the season in which the Lions were not trailing in the final two minutes.

• And the Saints were wearing their baby-diarrhea-colored pants again. That’s probably why they lost.

• Tampa Bay receiver Cecil Shorts, whom I love for being named like an Oscar Wilde character, dislocated his knee, tore his ACL, tore his MCL, and tore his PCL on Sunday. That sounds just dreadful! Here’s wishing you a speedy recovery, Cecil. :’(

• I have to wonder what former Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Trent Green was thinking when he decided to take his team picture while wearing a mock turtleneck. He obviously wasn’t thinking long-term. That’s the picture that they’re going to show of you on TV for all time to come. 

• Aww, isn’t Von Miller sweet? The Denver Bronco’s defensive terror sent a bottle of wine to every single one of his AFC West opponents -- including the practice squaders! -- to say, “Thank you for helping to make our game great!”

• Eric Berry!!! The Kansas City Chiefs defensive back had a pick-six on Sunday, and it wasn’t even his best play of the game. That would be the pick-two he scored to win the game. And the game was played in his hometown of Atlanta, just a few miles from where he received chemotherapy last year. This game is going to be the emotional climax in the Disney movie that will be inevitably be made of the cancer survivor’s story. (Except that in the movie, it’ll be the Super Bowl, but Berry plays for the Chiefs, so that part will have to stay fictional.) Top it all off with the tear-jerking scene of Berry handing the ball to his mom in the stands.

• So, to recap: the Atlanta Falcons were down five points to the Chiefs, scored a touchdown, and lost. Here’s how that happened: Atlanta was down 27-22, then scored a touchdown to go up 28-27, and they decided to go for two, which makes sense. Unfortunately for them, Berry picked off the two-point conversion and ran it all the way back for the Chiefs to take the lead 29-27! And that was the final score. I can’t believe we’ve seen two game-winning two-point conversions by defenses this season!

• AAARRRGGGHH! The Dallas Cowboys pulled out a win on Thursday night against the Minnesota Vikings, aided largely by a missed call. Down eight points, Minnesota scored with just 25 seconds left, and needed a two-point conversion to tie. The conversion was incomplete, but there was an OBVIOUS roughing-the-passer penalty (can't hit the QB's head or neck area) that was not called that should have given the Vikings another chance.

Gah! Ref! Ref! Don't you see that?!?

• AAARRGGGHHH! And I’m still surrounded by Cowboys fans.

• Goodness gracious, Buffalo Bills, how did you lose?? When I saw the Bills up on the Oakland Raiders 24-9 halfway through the third quarter, I didn’t bother checking back in on the game. Imagine my surprise -- and probably Buffalo’s fans’ too -- when I saw the final was 38-24, Raiders! How do you allow 29 straight points in a quarter and a half?

• The San Francisco’s 49ers received a 15-yard penalty for excessively celebrating a touchdown … that was called back. That was one of San Fran’s less embarrassing moments on Sunday. Here are some of the more embarrassing:
• The 49ers had six passing yards. As in 1-2-3-4-5-6.

Here's a screenshot because you obviously thought I was lying. 

• They had fewer than half the total yards of the Chicago Bears, who had won two games before Sunday. It’s not like the Bears played well, either. They, too, were disastrous.
• They didn’t have any turnovers, which sounds like a good thing, but how do lose 20-6 and play that poorly and gain so few yards without turnovers as an excuse?
• San Francisco had 17 times more penalty yards (106) than they did passing yards.
• Most damning of all, the Niners chose to punt from the Bears’ 31-yard line!!

• Seriously, what was Kelly thinking punting from the Bears’ 31? That’s almost the redzone. And yes, it was snowing, but how little faith do you have in your kicker to punt instead of kick in that situation? Why are you even on the field if you’re not going to compete? Why not just forfeit the game?  

• Elsewhere in the silly 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalties file, the Oakland punter managed to get one on Sunday following a roughing the punter call against the Buffalo Bills. Apparently Marquette King was just too excited about the call to resist picking up the flag and dancing.

• After the game, King took to Twitter to identify whose fault the flag really was.

• King is giving the Colts’ Pat McAfee a run for the Most Entertaining Punter title.

There's no one like @PatMcAfeeShow 😂#INDvsNYJ pic.twitter.com/TYdr9zPeoT

— NFL (@NFL) December 6, 2016

• Here are some fun, odd, and sad stats from the week:

• The Carolina Panthers have never had consecutive winning seasons, and Sunday night’s loss ensures that they won’t be wiping away that statistic this season.

• For the first time in 130 games, Dallas tight end Jason Witten did not have a catch.

• On Thursday, Dez Bryant tied Cowboys’ great Michael Irvin for second in receiving touchdowns in franchise history. It took Bryant 66 fewer games to do so. Wow!

• Here's the probability chart for winning the NFC North throughout Sunday's games. I looked and looked and could only see three teams at first.

Considering that Green Bay's hovering just above 25%,
I probably shouldn't be snickering, but I can't help it.

Thank God for the Chicago Bears

• Ahhh! Nothing like a game against the Chicago Bears to restore a team’s confidence. The Green Bay Packers rolled to a 26-10 win over the Bears on Thursday night. Aaron Rodgers finally surpassed 300 yards in a game, totalling 326 and three touchdowns. The Pack had 32 first downs to Chicago’s 13, ran 81 plays to Chicago’s 45, racked up 406 yards to Chicago’s 189, and held the ball for 40 minutes to Chicago’s 20 minutes. Yikes.

• Hey, Thursday night games are a great idea, NFL! Football players are professionals, right? So three and a half days are more than enough for them to recover from playing an exceedingly violent game so they can play another exceedingly violent game. I know how much the NFL cares about its players’ health and well-being, so I would never doubt their motivation on forcing players to play on Thursday night solely for the purpose of their own tv network’s ratings, but I wonder if perhaps they’d like to reconsider screwing over teams and players every Thursday night.

• Mike McCarthy again deserves credit for getting creative with the playcalling, particularly in how he used wide receiver Ty Montgomery in the backfield. Montgomery had nine carries for 60 yards to go along with his 10 receptions for 66 yards. McCarthy also went for it on 4th-and-goal (hallelujah!). Even though the Packers did not get the touchdown and the result was a turnover on downs, I was very pleased to see  the attempt and I hope it will be the first of many. Here's a nice run by Ty:

• McCarthy had to get creative since Eddie Lacy was put on the IR with an ankle injury that will require surgery and backup running back James Starks is recovering from knee surgery. The Packers signed Kansas City Chiefs running back Knile Davis on Tuesday, who barely played since, ya  know, he just joined the team 36 hours before. Don Jackson was promoted from the practice squad on Thursday, had a couple of carries … and was promptly injured. Not a good time to be a running back for the Packers.

• I hope Jackson’s hand injury doesn’t keep him out for too long. He only had a couple of snaps, but he looked  pretty darn speedy.

• Considering that Lacy needs surgery, maybe he shouldn’t have played on a sprained ankle Sunday against the Cowboys, Coach.

• Apparently saying “put on the IR” is too long, so the announcers kept on saying that Lacy had been “IR’d,” but I’d like to advocate that to be pronounced “irrrred.”

• Welcome to the Packers, Knile Davis! Green Bay traded for the Kansas City Chiefs running back. I like the trade in the sense that the Packers gave up almost nothing (a conditional 2018 seventh-rounder), but not so much in that Davis has averaged only 3.3 yards per carry in his four-year career, or that he was KC’s fourth-string running back, or this:

• But I think his name is cool and I hope he plays well.

I'm trying really hard not to hold the fact that he looks at
least 40 years old against him. (He claims to be 25.)

• Poor Brian Hoyer snapped his forearm in half and will be out for the rest of the season (presumably). Third-string QB Matt Barkley came in and had a statistically horrible game (6-of-15 for 81 yards, two interceptions and no TDs), though I thought he had some nice throws and should have maybe been given a longer leash.

• The biggest winner of Thursday night might actually be Jay Cutler. There appeared to be a very, very good chance that he was not going to get his starting job back when his thumb healed because Hoyer had been playing fairly well. Now ol’ Jay will be welcomed back with open arms as soon as he is healthy. 

The secondary winner is all of us because it's really much more fun
to see the Bears lose week after week when Cutler's at the helm.

• Jeff Janis is a terrible blocker.

• Davante Adams, who perhaps, it could be argued, doesn’t always enjoy the most unblemished of reputations here at O&E, deserves praise for his excellent game. Check out how he fought for this touchdown against the defender who was hanging on to his facemask.

• Adams caught 13 of his 16 targets for 132 yards and two touchdowns. That’s more catches, more yards, and more touchdowns than the entire Bears receiving corps. Well done.

• Rookie safety Kentrell Brice had some fantastic hits on special teams. He’s one to keep an eye on.

• Thursday’s win was great, obviously, and I’m very happy -- really, I am. It’s just that … well, there were a lot of things not to like. Such as:
• Chicago is terrible, terrible team that has already lost to the Texans, Colts, and Jaguars. This should have been a blowout from the very start.
• Aaron had 326 yards, which is great, but it took him 56 throws to get there, which is not great.
• The Packers only managed six points in the first half. 
• Mason Crosby missed an extra point and had a field goal blocked! (I blame Jim Nantz, who highlighted that Crosby had not missed any kick all season. Crosby didn’t make a kick after that. Thanks, Jim.)
• More injuries, not only to Jackson, but TJ Lang left the game for a time with a back injury.
• I normally hate it when people talk about athletes’ body language (see just about every article written about Cam Newton), but someone might want to let the image-conscious Rodgers know that it doesn’t look great on TV to see how upset he gets after every incompletion.
• Chicago was playing their third-string quarterback. And again, they’re really bad. I mean they’re waiting for this man to return as some sort of savior! Jay, are you going to be able to help this team?

• Kurt Warner weighed in on the great “What’s Wrong with Aaron Rodgers?” debate, and his take seems to me to be spot on:

"I think what really has happened is that there is a lack of trust with Aaron Rodgers. And that lack of trust is when you go out as a quarterback and your receivers haven't gotten open, it's hard to anticipate that they're going to get open on time. So as a quarterback, you drop back and you kind of just in the back of your mind are going, 'Okay, probably not going to get open, I'm going to have to buy some time and make a play.' And then all of a sudden they get open on time and you're like, 'Hey, he got open' and you're a half-second late.”

"Finally, someone who understands me."

• After last week’s “missed” (whatever, the ref clearly saw it and decided not to call it) pass interference on Richard Sherman gave the Seattle Seahawks the win, many people echoed the call for every play to be reviewable, but I have to say I disagree, even though those missed calls suck. Imagine, for a moment, that Sherman, instead of grabbing and holding Julio Jones’ arm so that he couldn’t catch the ball, had illegally grabbed Jones’ arm, but immediately let go. Imagine Sherman technically committed pass interference but it didn’t affect the play. If the Falcons (or the booth) had challenged that, wouldn’t the refs be forced to call PI, even if it was ticky-tack? The officials wouldn’t be able to review the play, see the PI, and not call it. Another example would be the fact that there’s holding on just about every single NFL play. Do we really want coaches to be able to challenge every time there’s a minor hold? Do we want to see six challenges every single game? As frustrating as it is when referees’ judgment results in a bad call or no-call, it’d be worse to take their judgment out of the picture.

• The New York Jets benched Ryan Fitzpatrick after he threw 88 interceptions in the first few six weeks, so Geno Smith was named the starter. Asked about Smith, New York wide receiver Brandon Marshall said, “It has been amazing to see this guy grow [and] really punch adversity in the face.” Smith, you’ll remember, lost his starting job last season when he missed games due to a fractured jaw he got when his teammate, um, punched him in the face.

I can't confirm, but this is the face I imagine him making
right before he got his jaw broken.

• Smith, unfortunately for him, got injured in his first start on Sunday, paving the way for -- that’s right -- FITZMAGIC REDEMPTION!! Well, it wasn’t exactly magical, but it was a good performance with no interceptions that got the Jets the win over the Baltimore Ravens. 

• It’s always so awkward when you bench a guy, then need him the next game. It’s even more weekend when he spends his post-game press conference talking about how you gave up on him.

Ryan, Fitz, buddy, you know I love you, but you had thrown 5 TDs and
11 INTs; benching you was not so much a betrayal as the only logical move.

• As it turns out, the Jets will be needing Fitzpatrick for a while, since Smith appears to have torn his ACL. The good news is Geno can now tell Joe Namath that he told him so.

• The Philadelphia Eagles lined up for a field goal with 15 seconds left in the first half before the Minnesota Vikings tried to ice the kicker by calling a timeout. Coming out of the timeout, the Eagles actually ran a play, taking a shot at the endzone. It was incomplete and Philly kicked a field goal on the next play, but I would have loooooooved to see the Vikings punished for the stupid icing the kicker tactic. Alas. Maybe next time.

• The Eagles have a lineman named Halapoulivatti Vaitai. (Pronounced Ha-LEH-poop-la-di-da-VAT-di Vee-tah-tah.) 

• It was wonderful to see the Minnesota Vikings finally lose. The Eagles swarmed poor Sam Bradford to the tune of 19 quarterback hits, six sacks, one interceptions, and four fumbles. The Vikings bedraggled offensive line looked way overmatched by Philly’s defense, which I didn’t even realize was good, but apparently they’re top three in the league. Whoever the victors, I’m just glad to see the Vikes get their first loss.

"Please help."

• Which play chart is uglier? Minnesota-Philadelphia or Arizona-Seattle?

Minnesota vs. Philadelphia	Arizona vs. Seattle
Punt, punt, interception, interception, fumble, fumble, interception, punt, punt, field goal, touchdown, punt, punt, fumble, field goal, (half), punt, touchdown, downs, punt, field goal, downs, fumble, touchdown.	Punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, blocked field goal, punt, field goal, punt, (half), punt, downs, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, blocked punt, field goal, punt, (end of regulation), field goal, field goal, missed field goal, missed field goal.

• How about that Seattle Seahawks-Arizona Cardinals game? Peee-yeew! The game was 3-3 before going into overtime, Arizona kicked a 45-yard field goal on their opening OT possession, and Seattle answered with a 36-yard field goal of their own. I mention the kicking distance because the next two possessions would see Arizona miss a 24-yard field goal and Seattle miss a 28-yard field goal!! The game ended in a 6-6 tie. Yeesh. 

• That’s got to be particularly frustrating for Cardinals fans considering that their team had 186 more yards, more than double the first downs, 33 more plays, and a nearly 20-minute time of possession advantage. Oddly enough, in such a defensive game, neither team had a turnover. 

• You know what’s not helpful after a 6-6 tie? Calling out your teammates for not scoring any points, as Cardinals defensive back Tyrann Mathieu did: “It's a team sport. When the defense is playing well, the offense has to complement us, special teams has to complement everybody, [and] vice versa.” Not wrong, Tyrann, but again, not helpful.

Maybe he meant his teammates should have complimented the defense. Maybe
his feelings were hurt because they weren't telling him he was doing a good job.

• The Monday Night Football ESPN crew decided to test their own kicking skills to see if they could have made the field goals that the Cardinals and Seahawks missed, and they all whiffed terribly … except Randy Moss, who put two kicks right down the middle. In dress shoes.

Straight cash, homie.

• Those stupid, loser, awful Washington Redskins suck, losing to the Detroit Lions 20-17. Detroit had a 10-point lead a couple minutes into the final quarter before Washington cut the lead to three with a touchdown, forced a quick punt, and then had a shoulda-been-game-winning touchdown drive that culminated in 19-yard Kirk Cousins rushing touchdown with 1:05 left. Barely a minute left! And the Redskins do nothing except stand back and let Matthew Stafford and the Lions go 75 yards in 49 seconds! I mean, come on, Washington! Do something! On the winning drive, Stafford had successive completions of 23, 38, and 20 yards, then a couple of incompletions, then an 18-yard touchdown to Anquan Boldin. It was so easy! Gah! And now the Lions are 4-3 and showing signs of interest in the NFC North title.

I DON'T like that, Kirk!

• I thought that Philadelphia corner Ron Brooks rupturing his quad tendon would be the worst injury I’d hear about all week, but then poor Houston Texans right tackle Derek Newton tore patella tendons in both of his knees in the Monday Night loss to the Denver Broncos. That sounds just so gruesome. I hope he gets better soon. =(

• Rookie Carson Wentz received a $17.6 million signing bonus this year. If only he could have used a couple of hundred -- or even $20! -- of that for a shirt.

• Jacksonville Jaguar rookie cornerback Jalen Ramsey, who has already established a reputation as an obnoxious loudmouth just six games into his career, was ejected along with Oakland Raiders receiver Johnny Holton after the two got in a scuffle. Here’s Ramsey after the game on his ejection: “They probably don't want me to say this but I'm going to just keep it real with y'all: If I was out there nine more times, I would do the same thing.” There’s that maturity they’re looking for! Meanwhile, every coach in Jacksonville:

• Miami Dolphins and Houston Texans running back announced his retirement Monday. Throughout his career, Foster has suffered a litany injuries, which he cited as his reason for retiring. Foster is 5th in NFL history in yards per game with 110.9.

• I think the Cleveland Browns will join the 2008 Detroit Lions in infamy by going 0-16. They’re so bad, it makes me depressed looking at their stats. Going back to October of last year, the Browns have lost 17 of their last 18 games. They even went 0-4 in the preseason. They already lost to the two easiest opponents on their schedule -- Miami and Tennessee -- and I don’t really see a win anywhere. They play the 2-5 Jets next week, which may be their last best chance at reveling in the win column in 2016.

• When you’re playing against the Browns and you have AJ Green on your team and he's being defended by five guys, you should definitely go for the Hail Mary before the half because, again, you have AJ Green on your team.

• And AJ Green can do anything.

.@AJGreen_18 is out here making ridiculous one-handed catches look routine.

So good. #CLEvsCIN #WhoDeyhttps://t.co/p2SznwPnYZ

— NFL Network (@nflnetwork) October 23, 2016

• Here’s hoping that the Atlanta Falcons that always bomb in the playoffs are the team that shows up next Sunday against Green Bay instead of the team that leads the league in every offensive stat. Go Pack Go!