Back to .500!

• Yes, being at .500 is a reason to celebrate for Green Bay Packers and also a good reminder not to celebrate too much. That said, what a fun game!!!! It had it all: perfect football weather, Randall making snow angels, Jordy making big plays, even the defense having good moments, key stops, long drives, Aaron Rodgers looking sharp, and, of course, victory.

• The game started out great with the Packers defense forcing a fumble, but then Rodgers fumbled the ball on the goal line. A couple of punts later, the defense again showed up, stopping Houston on 4th down at midfield. The drive contained a fourth-down conversion of Green Bay’s own and ended with a nice Randall Cobb touchdown and lovely snow angel. (Thank you, refs, for not flagging this.)

Snow angel by @rcobb18! #HOUvsGB #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/ndHS5troIM

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 4, 2016

• After that, the game really stalled (punt, punt, punt, downs for Green Bay) before the offense woke up again. Jordy, in particular, had a monster fourth quarter and finished with eight catches for 118 yards. My favorite was this third-down catch where he just out-muscled the defender. #NinjaBiceps

• It was a tough weekend for Houston corner Charles James. First, he probably got frostbite during warmups.

• Then, he was called up after starting cornerback Jonathan Joseph went down, slipped in the snow and allowed Nelson’s wide open touchdown. And then … he got fired the next day. Poor guy. It’s not easy going up against Jordy.  

• Can I just say how much I love cocky Jordy? It’s so uncharacteristic! The best part is that you can tell it’s a conscious effort, which makes it even cuter that he has to try to be brash. When asked about it, Jordy got all embarrassed, “I was just being … never mind. Just having fun.” Aww!

👈 #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/UQ70ipi1bm

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 4, 2016

• Ol’ Green Eyes brought a spark to special teams, with punt returns of 23 and 21 yards, which were great, but stop using Cobb on punt returns! It makes me nervous! He’s not worth risking. Let Trevor Davis out of the doghouse, for heaven’s sake, and put him back on punts.

• I thought Morgan Burnett had a very nice game, too. In addition to his early fumble recovery, he led the team in tackles and notched a QB hit, as well.

• Oh my gosh, we might have a real NFL running back in Christine (pronounced “Kristen,” remember) Michael! His game was nothing to write home about, but he showed some nice burst and didn’t fall down immediately upon contact!

• Texans linebacker Whitney Mercilus still has the best name for a defender.

• Jim Nantz and Phil Simms passive-aggressively fighting with each other through their commentary is my favorite. You can just tell when Jim Nantz has reached his limit and can’t take Simms’ wildly inaccurate commentary anymore, so he just starts subtly listing statistics that disprove everything Simms is saying.

• A round of applause for Julius Peppers, whose sack of Brock Osweiler Sunday earned him fifth place all-time in NFL history with 142.5 career sacks. Very impressive, Ju-Ju. (True story: I once met an adult man named Julius who introduced himself with “...but you can call me Ju-Ju.”)

• Players who recover onside kicks look like Gus-Gus from Cinderella. 

• Oof. Cam Newton did not start for the Carolina Panthers’ Sunday night game against the Seattle Seahawks due to disciplinary reasons. Carolina’s backup QB, Derek Anderson, took the game’s first snap…and threw an interception 18 yards from his own goal line. The benching was due to a dress code violation -- Cam reportedly did not wear a tie. I’m all for dress codes and punishments, but if you’re going to bench your quarterback for a drive, maybe start with some runs instead of a pass.

• Here’s Nick Fairley swatting at his ex-teammate’s face after a QB hit. You can’t take the player out of Detroit Lions, but not the Detroit Lions out of the player.

Nick Fairley smacked Matthew Stafford IN THE FACE! IN THE FAAAAAAAACE https://t.co/2nUmYKH46c pic.twitter.com/PHaRVbI1w4

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) December 4, 2016

• You know how I said I like Kirk Cousins because he’s kind of a goofball? During a media session this week, Cousins got on the topic of his love for Broadway musicals. And here’s an adorably awkward video of him performing in high school. He’s good!

• Thanks for nothing, New Orleans. For the last 60 home games, Drew Brees has thrown a touchdown, but decide to give that up this Sunday when he played the Detroit Lions, who I really needed to lose. Not only did Brees not throw a touchdown in the Saints 28-13 loss, but he threw three interceptions! It’s also the first game of the season in which the Lions were not trailing in the final two minutes.

• And the Saints were wearing their baby-diarrhea-colored pants again. That’s probably why they lost.

• Tampa Bay receiver Cecil Shorts, whom I love for being named like an Oscar Wilde character, dislocated his knee, tore his ACL, tore his MCL, and tore his PCL on Sunday. That sounds just dreadful! Here’s wishing you a speedy recovery, Cecil. :’(

• I have to wonder what former Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Trent Green was thinking when he decided to take his team picture while wearing a mock turtleneck. He obviously wasn’t thinking long-term. That’s the picture that they’re going to show of you on TV for all time to come. 

• Aww, isn’t Von Miller sweet? The Denver Bronco’s defensive terror sent a bottle of wine to every single one of his AFC West opponents -- including the practice squaders! -- to say, “Thank you for helping to make our game great!”

• Eric Berry!!! The Kansas City Chiefs defensive back had a pick-six on Sunday, and it wasn’t even his best play of the game. That would be the pick-two he scored to win the game. And the game was played in his hometown of Atlanta, just a few miles from where he received chemotherapy last year. This game is going to be the emotional climax in the Disney movie that will be inevitably be made of the cancer survivor’s story. (Except that in the movie, it’ll be the Super Bowl, but Berry plays for the Chiefs, so that part will have to stay fictional.) Top it all off with the tear-jerking scene of Berry handing the ball to his mom in the stands.

• So, to recap: the Atlanta Falcons were down five points to the Chiefs, scored a touchdown, and lost. Here’s how that happened: Atlanta was down 27-22, then scored a touchdown to go up 28-27, and they decided to go for two, which makes sense. Unfortunately for them, Berry picked off the two-point conversion and ran it all the way back for the Chiefs to take the lead 29-27! And that was the final score. I can’t believe we’ve seen two game-winning two-point conversions by defenses this season!

• AAARRRGGGHH! The Dallas Cowboys pulled out a win on Thursday night against the Minnesota Vikings, aided largely by a missed call. Down eight points, Minnesota scored with just 25 seconds left, and needed a two-point conversion to tie. The conversion was incomplete, but there was an OBVIOUS roughing-the-passer penalty (can't hit the QB's head or neck area) that was not called that should have given the Vikings another chance.

Gah! Ref! Ref! Don't you see that?!?

• AAARRGGGHHH! And I’m still surrounded by Cowboys fans.

• Goodness gracious, Buffalo Bills, how did you lose?? When I saw the Bills up on the Oakland Raiders 24-9 halfway through the third quarter, I didn’t bother checking back in on the game. Imagine my surprise -- and probably Buffalo’s fans’ too -- when I saw the final was 38-24, Raiders! How do you allow 29 straight points in a quarter and a half?

• The San Francisco’s 49ers received a 15-yard penalty for excessively celebrating a touchdown … that was called back. That was one of San Fran’s less embarrassing moments on Sunday. Here are some of the more embarrassing:
• The 49ers had six passing yards. As in 1-2-3-4-5-6.

Here's a screenshot because you obviously thought I was lying. 

• They had fewer than half the total yards of the Chicago Bears, who had won two games before Sunday. It’s not like the Bears played well, either. They, too, were disastrous.
• They didn’t have any turnovers, which sounds like a good thing, but how do lose 20-6 and play that poorly and gain so few yards without turnovers as an excuse?
• San Francisco had 17 times more penalty yards (106) than they did passing yards.
• Most damning of all, the Niners chose to punt from the Bears’ 31-yard line!!

• Seriously, what was Kelly thinking punting from the Bears’ 31? That’s almost the redzone. And yes, it was snowing, but how little faith do you have in your kicker to punt instead of kick in that situation? Why are you even on the field if you’re not going to compete? Why not just forfeit the game?  

• Elsewhere in the silly 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalties file, the Oakland punter managed to get one on Sunday following a roughing the punter call against the Buffalo Bills. Apparently Marquette King was just too excited about the call to resist picking up the flag and dancing.

• After the game, King took to Twitter to identify whose fault the flag really was.

• King is giving the Colts’ Pat McAfee a run for the Most Entertaining Punter title.

There's no one like @PatMcAfeeShow 😂#INDvsNYJ pic.twitter.com/TYdr9zPeoT

— NFL (@NFL) December 6, 2016

• Here are some fun, odd, and sad stats from the week:

• The Carolina Panthers have never had consecutive winning seasons, and Sunday night’s loss ensures that they won’t be wiping away that statistic this season.

• For the first time in 130 games, Dallas tight end Jason Witten did not have a catch.

• On Thursday, Dez Bryant tied Cowboys’ great Michael Irvin for second in receiving touchdowns in franchise history. It took Bryant 66 fewer games to do so. Wow!

• Here's the probability chart for winning the NFC North throughout Sunday's games. I looked and looked and could only see three teams at first.

Considering that Green Bay's hovering just above 25%,
I probably shouldn't be snickering, but I can't help it.

4-0: A Good Start

• It felt like it was harder than it should have been, but the Green Bay Packers stayed perfect by beating the San Francisco 49ers 17-3. It was nice to fiiiinally beat those darn Niners!

• I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again -- what happened to Colin Kaepernick?! 13-of-25, 160 yards, 0 touchdowns, one interception, six sacks.

• I know California is hot, but Jim Tomsula was pouring sweat before the game even started. I wondered if his players had given him the celebratory Gatorade bath pre-game?

• Nope. He looks like that even when he’s inside.

• Green Bay’s offense wasn’t clicking as fans are used to, particularly on third-down conversions. The Pack started a dismal 1-for-7, went 3-for-3 on the John Kuhn touchdown drive, then went 1-for-5. That wouldn’t have happened if Jordy had been there.

• Joe Buck referred to Jordy Nelson as Green Bay’s “Sideline Catchmaster.” Hmm, I appreciate the love for Jordy, but it doesn’t have quite the same ring as “Sideline Ninja.”

• Aaron Rodgers has thrown 170 touchdowns in the red zone to just six interceptions. ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY TO SIX.

• It’s just unfair what Mr. Rodgers can do to defenses. I mean, look at this! The defensive backs have no chance!

• Hmm, this is a new tune from our old friend JMike.

• Let’s see what he had to say a few weeks ago.

The 2 league MVPs, Super Bowl MVP, and highest
passer rating in NFL history weren't enough to convince you ?

• It sounded like a home game for the Packers in Levi’s Stadium. Check out the audio. That’s gotta be salt in the many, many wounds of Niners fans.

• The offensive line has me worried. Right tackle Bryan Bulaga is progressing from his knee injury, but next week would be rather early for him to return. His replacement, Don Barclay, as well as left tackle David Bakhtiari, have struggled. Next week will be a big challenge against the St. Louis Rams’ fierce front seven. Eek.

• Let’s play a little game I like to call “Green Bay Head Coach Mike McCarthy or Olympic Champion Figure Skater Dorothy Hamill?”

Use your context clues.

• The Packers defense has 17 sacks on the season, tied with the St. Louis Rams, and just one fewer than the Denver Broncos. Speaking of Denver’s awesome defense, they already have 11 players with at least one sack four weeks in!

• I have to stifle a laugh when the New York Giants are trying out receivers who are out of the league a few weeks after cutting James Jones. Bet this would come in handy for the Giants right about now:

• Julius Peppers, talking about taking Aaron Rodgers’ greatness for granted: “Trust me, I don’t. I played on some teams where I wish I had a guy like him.”

Whomever could he be talking about??

• WAIT! I WAS RIGHT! Seattle Seahawks linebacker KJ Wright intentionally -- and therefore illegally -- batted the ball out of the end zone after Calvin Johnson fumbled it on Monday Night Football! I knew I had seen games where that was indeed a penalty! (I believe the Bears were penalized for that in a game against the Packers three or four seasons ago.) What the heck?!?! Why is Johnson always being screwed over by the referees?! It's not bad enough that he has the most maligned NFL rule named after him?? The Seahawks sure get awfully lucky when playing in Seattle on Monday night games.

• How do NONE of the commenters -- most of whom are former players! -- not know this rule? I understand that it doesn't come up that much, but it's not that obscure if I know about it! The NFL VP of Officiating acknowledged the missed call, but said that it was a "judgment call," and the back judge didn't feel that the illegal bat was "overt." "That's why he didn't call it on the field." Either that or he didn't know the rules. I'm going to bet on the latter.

• Seahawks' defender Michael Bennett has always been a little crazy, but he upped the ante with this post-game quote:

• Carolina Panthers cornerback Josh Norman, whom no one had heard of a few weeks ago, is leading the (albeit very early!) race for best defensive player. Norman has four interceptions -- including two pick-sixes -- and a forced fumble in four games.

• Is anyone able to tell the difference between Houston Texans quarterback Ryan Mallett and Houston Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer? Coach Bill O’Brien keeps going back and forth on who his starting QB is, but maybe we should let him in on the secret that everyone knows: they’re both backup quarterbacks.

• People talk about offensive linemen "keeping their quarterback upright," but usually they don't mean so literally.

• The San Diego Chargers, tied at 27-27 with two seconds left, were kicking for the win, but missed it. Too bad; on to overtime, right? Nope, because they were playing the Cleveland Browns, and the Browns committed an offsides penalty. San Diego re-kicked, made it, won the game. So very Cleveland.

• It was the week of missed field goals -- three teams essentially lost on missed kicks (Steelers, Jaguars, Eagles), and two more almost lost (Chargers, Saints). There were 14 missed field goals, four missed PATs, and two kickers fired (Buccaneers, Steelers). Yikes.

• There’s a report that has Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill has been struggling in practice against the scout team -- getting easily rattled, throwing interceptions. How does Tannehill, a professional athlete who’s supposed to be the leader of his team, handle this? With motivational, inspirational words like, “Enjoy your practice squad paycheck.”

He kinda totally looks like a guy who would say that.

• That whole Dolphins team has got issues. The team signed Ndamukong Suh to $114 million contract, yet the defensive line has struggled. Here’s King Kong half-heartedly jogging after the running back who beat him:

• And then there was Suh’s post-game conference, in which he answered multiple queries, by just repeating, "Next question." When asked about his embattled head coach Joe Philbin being on the hot seat, Suh told reporters they should ask other players because he’s “not an emotional guy.” (Thanks for that support, Ndamukong!) Philbin, who was on the hot seat all of last season as well, was fired Monday.

• The Arizona Cardinals were handed their first loss of the season by the Rams, but it was Arizona quarterback Carson Palmer’s  first loss since December 2013.

• I know Nick Foles had a lot of success in Philadelphia last year, but it’s hard to be afraid of someone who looks just like Napoleon Dynamite.

If it weren't for the field goal posts, I honestly don't know
if I could tell who is who.

• I was super tired and about to go to bed on Sunday night, but decided to stay up for overtime on Sunday night. It was very much worth it.

• Fun way to get your 400th touchdown: throw the game-winning pass in overtime! New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees joined the 400 club on Sunday night, and was the fastest in NFL history to that mark.

• Regarding the loss, Jerry Jones said, “It’s not quite apples and oranges when the guy on the other side of the deal is Brees and you’re dealing with a guy as limited as Weeden.” Ouch. So much for Weeden being the most “gifted passer” Jones had ever seen just a week earlier.

"Can you believe he said that about me?!"
"Umm, yep. Uh-huh. Sounds about right."

• Retired linebacker London Fletcher was highly amused by Jerry Jones’ panegyric on Weeden. Recalling playing against Weeden, Fletcher said intercepting the quarterback was like “playing catch with [his] kids.” Double ouch.

• I hate to say it, but I’m starting to feel bad for the Dallas Cowboys. They're already without their starting quarterback, star receiver, and starting corner, now they’ve lost running back Lance Dunbar, who had 100 receiving yards last week, to a torn ACL and MCL.

At least Cowboys' fans won't have to try so hard to make excuses this year.

• Aww, Washington Redskins running back Alfred Morris actually sounds like a good guy. He has a tradition of hanging out with the stadium ushers and security guards before every game.

• Jay Cutler wins one game and all of a sudden he thinks he’s the Fonz.

Smokin'JayCutler needs to get on this right now.

• Ugh, somehow the Chicago Bears managed their first win of the season on a last-minute field goal over the Oakland Raiders. Tight game, down to the wire, season on the line -- how do the Bears not choke that away? I’m shocked.

• A reporter asked Chicago Bears tight end Martellus Bennett if quarterback Jay Cutler is criticized too much. Bennett responded, “They threw rocks at Jesus, and Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff."

AND THEY HAVE THE SAME INITIALS!

• You have to admire the Oakland Raiders’ effort on this last-ditch, lateral-filled (well, fumble-filled) final play.

• Charles Woodson moved into top 10 in career interceptions! Woo hoo! Yay, Charles! I’ll give you one guess who threw him the ball.

• Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck sat Sunday with a shoulder injury, meaning that 40-year-old Matt Hasselbeck took the helm and led the Colts to victory! “I am playing with guys closer in age to my kids than they are to me,” said the well-loved Hasselbeck. Seriously, everybody who has played with this guy adores him. Awww, look how happy they all are for him!

• The Buffalo Bills had 17 penalties on Sunday, and Rex Ryan sorta doesn’t think that’s a problem but also promises to fix it??

• JJ Watt is obviously just trolling the women of the world.

I kid you not, the other JJ headline that day
was about him visiting some kid in the hospital.

• Jordy’s still my One True though.