We, Um, Might Need to Talk About Aaron Rodgers

• The Green Bay Packers 30-16 loss to the Dallas Cowboys was not pretty. At all. From the Packers giving up their first opening drive touchdown to the Cowboys putting up more rushing yards than the Packers have allowed in the previous four games combined to the increasingly normal impotence of the offense, it was a rough day for the Green and Gold.

Ugh and you just know that, somewhere, Jerry Jones
was grinning like the creepy emperor from Star Wars.

• As much as I like to blame all passing game ills on Davante Adams and Richard Rodgers, the truth is Aaron Rodgers is obviously struggling. Set aside any drops by the receivers, any bad play-calling, and Rodgers is still just missing things he very rarely misses. His interception into the guy of Barry Church was a perfect example of Rodgers, whose field vision is usually spectacular, failing to see Church coming off the outside receiver.

• And while I’M TOTALLY NOT WORRIED, and I’m sure Aaron will get out of his slump soon, and I don’t want to pile on to the guy, I also have to admit that I’m less than impressed with his attitude. He seemed to think he only had a couple of bad throws. Said Rodgers: 

We were close tonight. I missed a couple, possibly the one to [Richard] Rodgers down the middle, and I obviously threw it right to Barry [Church]... Other than that, I mean, there were multiple times when we had to extend plays because guys weren’t open on the normal timing or even slightly later than normal timing.

• Are those really the only times you can think of, Aaron? Not throwing a sure-touchdown six feet too high to Cobb? Or leading Jordy Nelson into crossing defenders? I understand you’re not getting the help you need from your receivers or your playcalls, but I’m going to need a little more abjection from you than a dismissive, “I gotta play better, for sure.”

More like this.

• I’ll say the same thing to Mike McCarthy as I said all of last season: “DO SOMETHING!!!!” Now, to his credit, he’s using more personnel, working in receivers Ty Montgomery, Trevor Davis, and Jeff Janis. But he’s still not doing a whole lot to help those receivers as far as pre-snap formations, picks, or creative routes. After Nelson and Cobb, there’s little evidence to believe that the Green Bay receivers can out-and-out win individual match-ups. That makes it easy for teams to focus on Jordy and Randall since neither Adams nor Montgomery nor Janis nor Rodgers nor anyone else has proven that he warrants extra defensive attention.

This is not the facial expression of defensive coordinators who play the Packers.

• The ailing Green Bay secondary did not help matters. Already without top corner Sam Shields, the Packers lost Quinten Rollins and Damarious Randall. This propelled LaDarius Gunter into the lineup, who is, uh, let's just say not ready for prime time. The coaches are (were?) high on Gunter last season and I’m certainly not going to give up on him, but he was absolutely undressed on nearly every single snap he played. 

• I remain very worried about Shields. I love him, but he needs to retire. Shields has been out with yet another concussion since Week 1 and he needs to start thinking about himself and his long-term health. It’d leave Green Bay up a creek, though. Maybe we can lure Casey Hayward back from the San Diego Chargers at a much-reduced contract. Think he’ll go for it?

Remember all the good times, Case!

• Eddie Lacy came to play, injured ankle and all. He only finished with 65 yards, but ripped off a couple of nice and surprisingly agile runs. What in the sam hill was McCarthy thinking, though, going into a game with an injured running back and no backup??

• Yes, James Starks was out with an injury. Try to contain your surprise. Mr. Glass really wore himself out averaging 2.8 yards per carry last week and suffered a knee injury. It’s rumored that Starks tore his meniscus and underwent surgery this week. He is not expected back for a few weeks at least. So I guess that leaves Green Bay with no healthy running back and two days until the next game. Here’s hoping McCarthy decides to pick up a running back really soon. Like, today.

I'm sorry, James, for real. I hope you recover
quickly and find a nice home on some other team.

• Green Eyes did notch a touchdown, his first of the season. The even worse stat is that it was just Rodgers’ first second-half touchdown of the season.

• Besides Lacy, the only real positive was Montgomery. He didn’t have a spectacular game, but had over 100 all purpose yards and got some good reps in.

• It was another rough week for Jordy. He had five catches for 68 yards, but coughed up a fumble for just the second time in his career. 

Don't worry, boo. We'll get 'em Thursday.

• The biggest downer was the four turnovers. How can you win a game with four turnovers?! On the season, the Packers’ turnover differential, which is my favorite stat, is a dismal -3. 

• One thing to look forward to is Tony Romo being able to return pretty soon. Jerry Jones, right on cue, has chimed in that Romo is totally healed and just needs to get back in shape. Jones has recently backed off his previously unwavering support for Romo to regain his starting job once healthy.

• I keep going back and forth on the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I think they’re not good. They beat the Washington Redskins, who aren’t terrible. They beat the Cincinnati Bengals, who are terrible (2-4). They got trounced by the Philadelphia Eagles, then beat the Kansas City Chiefs who are so unthreatening that I’m not going to even bother looking up their record. (Fine, it’s 3-2.) Then they beat the New York Jets, who are no good (1-5), and then lost to the Miami Dolphins (2-4) this week! Even if they weren’t bad before, they certainly will be now that Ben Roethlisberger is out for at least a few games with a torn meniscus that required surgery.

• Rough, rough no-call on Richard Sherman’s obvious pass interference that stole the game from the Atlanta Falcons. 

• Why is it that the Seattle Seahawks are always, always on the winning end of bad calls?? No wonder Pete Carroll is so smug all the time.

• Tom Brady is now 49-1 at home against AFC opponents since 2007. Insane.

• Check out this Vernon Davis touchdown. Watch it again. Did you see that egregious touchdown celebration?!?! Davis’ jump shot cost his team 15 yards for “excessive celebration” since he used the ball as a prop.

• I hate that I have an opinion on this, but I really prefer Carrie Underwood’s old SNF opening.

• Vontaze Burfict is the dirtiest player in the league and needs to be suspended every single time he gets a personal foul from now on. It’s what he’s known for and he does this crap week in and week out.
• Here he is trying to injure Martellus Bennett:

Vontaze Burfict going low on Bennett. Seemed unnecessary but what do I know. #Patriots pic.twitter.com/4DWnqa76TD

— Will D. (@WAD1980) October 16, 2016

• And here he is intentionally stepping on a New England Patriots player:

Video: From coaches film (courtesy NFL), watch Vontaze Burfict (55) deliberately step on Blount's leg after TD. pic.twitter.com/wtTPqy3XHP

— Mike Reiss (@MikeReiss) October 17, 2016

• Ugh the worst sounding injury and the one that makes my skin crawl just hearing it is “lacerated kidney.” The Chargers’ Keenan Allen had one a couple of years ago, Andrew Luck dealt with that last year, and now Cleveland Browns safety Jordan Poyer looks to be out the rest of the year with the same.

• If your job were printing players’ names on their jerseys, wouldn’t you check the spelling before signing off on a jersey for someone named Prince Amukamara?

• The NFL is a mean and petty little tyrant. The league has declared that teams can no longer post their own highlights on their social media channels. Some teams, like the Eagles and the Browns, mocked the NFL by posting claymation-type videos of their highlights, which, hilariously, have now been pulled.

• Goodness gracious, the Indianapolis Colts had a 14 point lead with three minutes left and somehow lost! Much sympathy has been sent Andrew Luck’s way as the quarterback tries and tries to lift his dismal team out of the muck. One person who doesn’t have sympathy for Luck is Ryan Grigson, the Colts’ general manager. Grigson, defending himself against the charges of completely failing to put any talent around his #1 pick, blamed Luck’s contract, saying, "Once you pay Andrew what we did, it’s going to take some time to build on the other side of the ball.” Sorry, but uh-uh, Ryan. First off, boo-hoo, it’s so tough having had the top pick in the draft! Second, other teams have the salary cap, too. Other teams have quarterbacks with huge contracts, too, and they manage to pick better players than you have. Luck, for his part, continues to be entirely endearing and refuses to blame his horrible offensive line.

• Apparently, things are no good between Houston Texans head coach Bill O’Brien and quarterback Brock Osweiler, who reportedly had a blow up at a team meeting last week. It’s hardly a surprise considering their mail-order bride courtship, but Houston sportswriters must be tripping over themselves to write their “Houston, We Have a Problem” headlines.

"Whaddya mean it's been used? This is gold, I tells ya!"

• Ugghh the LA Rams not only lost to the Detroit Lions, but they also pulled my least favorite move during Detroit’s victory formation, injuring the Lions center and nearly injuring the quarterback. Nothing says low-class losers like trying to injure opponents after the game is over. I hate, hate, hate this bush league move. 

• I have to end with some devastating news: Green Eyes is engaged and, no, not to me. It’s a tough time, but I just want him to be happy.

We'll always have my near-constant Google Image searches of you.

A Week 4 Bye?? Come on, NFL!

Jordy probably spent his bye being a super adorbs farmer.

• The Green Bay Packers had their bye this week. After three games. Now, true, the Pack is pretty banged up -- Shields, Matthews, Burnett, Janis, Cook, Lang, and more -- so it might actually be a good thing, but still, it's the principle of the thing! Week 4 is way too early for a bye for any team. The Packers now have to go 13 straight weeks without a break. And it’s not just physical, either; players need a mid-season mental break, too. 

• At least this week will get them back to their best.

• This week’s slate looked pretty boring, but turned in some real surprises, like the Buffalo Bills shutting out the New England Patriots, 16-0. While the world naturally rejoiced, the Pats are still an impressive 3-1 through their long dark night without Tom Brady.

• When you beat the previously undefeated Patriots (even if it was against a third-string quarterback), you get to rock a cool hairstyle.

• When I think we were all surprised to see the Chicago Bears beat the Detroit Lions 17-14. The most surprising part, however, is probably that I don’t mind that the Bears won. They’re in the NFC North basement and are of no concern to the real teams in that division, so I’m happy to see them knock down the Lions. It did irk me that a Brian Hoyer-led team easily dispatched a team that gave the Packers a bit of a scare though.

Yes, this man.

• Okay, now, discerning readers of this blog may have picked up on a subtle dislike that I may harbor for Jay Cutler. That said, I almost feel bad for him, considering how publicly his own coach disdains him. When John Fox first took the reins last season, he announced that long-time starter Cutler would have to compete with Jimmy Clausen for the starting spot. Jimmy Clausen! (Oh the indignity!) This week, with Cutler out with a sprained thumb and Hoyer behind center, Fox said, “Anybody’s that performing well, I don’t think we’re going to be likely to change.” Now, in his defense, Fox is saddled with a quarterback he obviously doesn’t believe in but can’t get rid of for salary reasons (the Bears are on the hook for $17 million to Cutler this year). On the other hand, kinda sucks to have your coach very clearly not in your corner.

"Thanks, coach." *Emo sigh*

• Another surprise: after getting trounced 28-0 by the San Francisco 49ers in Week 1, Case Keenum and the Los Angeles Rams are 3-1 and atop the NFC West.

• A surprise that shouldn’t have been a surprise? The San Diego Chargers choking away a near-sure win. They had a 13-point lead halfway through the fourth quarter and lost!! San Diego, after lighting it up for three and a half quarters (Philip Rivers was 28-of-43 for 321 yards and two touchdowns) turned into the Three Stooges, fumbling the ball away on consecutive possessions, both in their own territory and both leading to New Orleans Saints touchdowns. The Chargers had two minutes left for a chance at the win, but had a sack, fumbled snap (recovered), incompletion, and interception to end the game. Sigh. I think being a Chargers fan would be the toughest because they actually have a ton of talent, but always disappoint. (This article is titled “The Chargers Are Unprecedented Late-Game Failures.”)

• *Tear* JJ Watt is out for the rest of the season after undergoing back surgery. Get better soon, bae.

• So Dez Bryant suffered a knee injury last week. Then was a no-show for his MRI on Monday, reportedly because he was scared to find out the result (a hairline fracture in his knee). Which has led to reports that Dez Bryant is still Dez Bryant and has been late or a no-show as many as 40 times in the last seven years.

Dez Bryant.

• I didn’t watch Thursday Night Football -- because who does? -- but I was trying to find out the results on Friday morning. It wasn’t on the Yahoo homepage. Or the ESPN home page. Or the ESPN NFL page. The Cincinnati Bengals defeated the Miami Dolphins 22-7, apparently, but I felt really sad for both teams that no one cared about the game, not even ESPN.

• Uh oh, the Atlanta Falcons are sort of making me believe in them again. Why won’t I learn? I’ve sworn to myself that I’d never believe in them because they always will let you down, but then they go and have a game like they did on Sunday: Matt Ryan was 28-for-37, for 503 YARDS, and FOUR touchdowns, and Julio Jones was on the receiving end of 300 of those yards. Don’t do it. Don’t weaken. Don’t believe!

• On a conference call with Minnesota Vikings reporters, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning was asked about the Vikings “having his number” (he’s 2-5 in his career against Minnesota). Manning responded:
  “I don’t think anybody, eh, I don’t think anybody has my phone number on the Vikings. Maybe (former Giant) Linval (Joseph), I’m not sure. I’m trying to think if I have anybody’s number. Maybe somebody, I’m sure. I have (Sam) Bradford. I have his number. He’s got my number. Can’t think of anybody else’s off-hand though. I’ll look through my phone and get back to you.”
  This raises a question I never thought I’d ask: is Eli Manning actually really witty? Does the guy who makes this face actually have a really dry sense of humor??

• It's been a weird week. I cheered for the Bears and the Giants??!! Alas, my cheers weren't enough to overcome the Minnesota Vikings defense, which shut down the Giants, 24-10. The Vikings continue to be a concern.

• WILL FULLER! As I’ve mentioned, I was a huge fan of this guy when he was at Notre Dame, and I love watching him shred defenses week in and week out as a rookie for the Houston Texans!

• TEEEBOOOOOW! Okay, sure, Tim Tebow isn’t in the NFL anymore, so one might argue that he doesn’t have any place on this blog. But others might say that the Tebow magic transcends sports. At his first at-bat as a member of the New York Mets’ Minor League team, Tebow, of course, hit a home run.

• Do not get on Carolina Panthers’ running back Mike Tolbert’s bad side because he’s vindictive as bleep. Upset with the service (or lack of) that he received at a car shop, he paid his nearly $4,000 bill entirely in coins.

• The Panthers are now 1-3. Did not see that coming.

• My goodness, the end of the first half in the Houston Texans-Tennessee Titans game was a mess. The Texans got the ball with 2:28 left in the second and all three of their timeouts. An uninspired six plays later, Houston punts with 1:15 left. Tennessee, also retaining all three timeouts, start with a short gain, and Houston takes the timeout. An odd call, but turns out to be right, as Tennessee can’t make anything happen and punts back to the Texans with 58 seconds left. The Titans get called for a 10-yard holding penalty on the punt (and should have been called for a 15-yard face mask), which gave Houston the ball on the Tennessee 44 yardline, still with all three timeouts. 3rd-and-4, Houston throws just short of the first down. Thinking that they got the first down, Houston hesitates before taking their final timeout with 15 seconds left. Houston head coach Bill O’Brien is too busy arguing with officials to notice that the play clock has started and the Texans are milling about the field as the clock ticks down. The kicker doesn’t even get onto the field until the play clock is down to six seconds, and the Texans get a delay of game penalty, which knocks them out of field goal range. Instead of trying a 58-yard field goal, Houston throws on 4th-and-6 with no timeouts (how exactly did they see this playing out?). The Titans, however, commit pass interference on the play! That gives Houston a first down and puts them back in field goal range, and, after all that ineptitude, the Texans kick a field goal. Yeesh.

Remember when watching the Titans and the Texans.

• That was not the most embarrassing part of the game, however. That came from the officiating crew. On a Tennessee punt, Houston blew through the line and blocked the punt, picking it up and returning it for a touchdown while whistles blew. The Titans punter took a huge shot and was shaken up on the play, Houston players were wondering what the heck just happened, and the official came on the mic and said: “Prior to the snap, the play was shut down, assuming there were 12 men on defense. However, the 12th man did get off, so there is no foul. We’ll replay 4th down.” I’ll leave it to you to imagine how the Texans crowd reacted.

• I thought it’d be hard for Andrew Luck to be any more endearing, but then he started his own book club. Then he chose the Little House on the Prairie books for the kids’ version of his book club.

Here's why I picked #littlehouseontheprairie. Share pics of your copy using #albookclub. pic.twitter.com/DiPfYlZRzm

— AL Book Club (@ALBookClub) September 27, 2016

• I kind of love New York Jets receiver Brandon Marshall. I love how much he loves his quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick. After the second straight week devoid of Fitzmagic (poor Ryan threw one touchdown and three interceptions -- that’s nine interceptions and one touchdown in the last two weeks!), Marshall was asked about if it was time to switch quarterbacks. The devoted receiver got testy, staring down the reporter and answering very clearly: “I am. Going down. In a boat. With Ryan Fitzpatrick.” It’s kind of an insult, but kind of sweet, too.

Awww. But you should probably start playing better
if you want this bromance to last, Ryan.

• Poor, poor Navorro Bowman. In January 2013, the 49ers linebacker injured his knee in the NFC Championship Game. He tore both his ACL and MCL and missed all of the 2014 season. Last year he came back and led the league in tackles. Now, just four games into the 2016 season, Bowman suffered a torn Achilles tendon and is out for the rest season. That sucks. Get better soon, Navorro!  

• Man, the Indianapolis Colts are not good. After a loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars in London, the Colts are 1-3 and tied for last place in the worst division in the league.

• Josh Norman got a 15-yard penalty for mimicking archery because. Come on, NFL. He plays for the Redskins and it’s not a threat or violent. *Eye roll* Also the logo of another team, the Kansas City Chiefs is an arrowhead. Gasp! That’s a weapon! Should they have to change their name? Also, the Vikings were violent marauders known for pillaging villagers. Bears and Tigers maul people. 

Will the violence never end??

• Broncos QB Trevor Siemian (who?) injured his non-throwing shoulder, and rookie Paxton Lynch stepped up to finish off the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Not that it required much effort -- the Bucs didn’t score after the first quarter. The highlight of the boring game, which also featured an hour and half delay due to lightning, was Emmanuel Sanders’ perfectly executed cartwheel celebration.

• Drew Stanton, playing in relief of the concussed Carson Palmer, threw 11 passes. Seven of them were incomplete and two were interceptions. It can’t be fun for a backup QB to have to face that Rams defense.

• Oakland is fun to watch. It’s exciting to see a team that has been so terrible for my lifetime start to get really good. Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, Michael Crabtree, Khalil Mack -- there’s a lot for Raiders fans to be excited about.

• The good news is that the Cleveland Browns started the same quarterback that they had the previous week, which hasn’t happened since Christmas of last year, so yay for consistency. The bad news is that the Browns are 0-4, so ... yay for consistency?

This kind of implies that they had talent at some point.

• The Dallas Cowboys won 24-17 against the San Francisco 49ers, which just makes me more eager for Tony Romo’s return (targeted for Week 8) and the inevitable fallout. Quarterback Dak Prescott has been good, but fellow rookie Ezekiel Elliott has been even more impressive, averaging over 100 rushing yards again. Elliot, along with backup Alfred Morris, have taken a huge amount of pressure off of Prescott, so Dak hasn't had to do too much on his own.

 

***PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT***

There will be no O&E next week. The good news is I won’t have to talk about Tom Brady’s return blah blah blah. I know this will cast a pall over the week for the thousands of readers of this blog, but do your best to muddle through. We’ll be back for the Packers-Cowboys game. Till then, here’s some Jordy to get you through to Week 6.

Pack Back on Track

• That’s how you start a game, boys! The opening drive looked like the Green Bay Packers we all know and love -- up-tempo, sharp, undefendable.

• Green Bay defeated the Detroit Lions 34-27, which is awesome, but it was a lot more awesome when they were leading 31-3 with one minute before halftime. The second half was, uh, less awesome, so let’s just concentrate on the first half. Jordy Nelson and Aaron Rodgers rekindled their bromance and the connection was pretty strong.

• There was so much more variety in the playcalling in the first half. It was still great to see some creativity -- Ty Montgomery in the backfield, Trevor Davis getting snaps, a clear effort to target Jared Cook, James Starks playing receiver, Nelson in the slot. Even when the new looks didn’t work, they made the defense have to think a little more and guess a little more.

• I loved seeing how pumped up all the Packers were to start the game. It was clear that it was a intentional effort. The players were playing with attitude, and even Jordy was showboating for the crowd! *Swoon*

#GetLoudLambeau #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/R0IZtwKYWv

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) September 25, 2016

• Ty Montgomery had a nice heads-up play. Detroit kicked off following their first-quarter field goal, and the ball came down just outside of the endzone, just inside the sidelines. Montgomery, knowing the rules, stepped out of bounds, made sure his feet were out, then reached in to grab the ball. Since he, the returner, was out of bounds when he touched it, that makes the kick out of bounds, and an out of bounds kick is a penalty that puts the ball on the 40-yard-line. Nice work there, Ty. #StandfordEducated.

• The Packers defense had some nice moments, but were clearly missing some of their big names. Linebacker Clay Matthews, safety Morgan Burnett, nose tackle Letroy Guion, and linebacker Datone Jones were all out for the game with injuries. Add to that Demarious Randall leaving for a key stretch of the game (he returned), and the Packers had some big gaps on defense, like when rookie corner Josh Hawkins let Lions receiver Marvin Jones turn a  short catch into a 73-yard touchdown because he thought Jones had stepped out of bounds. =(

• On the offensive side, fullback Aaron Ripkowski left with a back injury and Cook suffered an ankle injury. (Come on, Jared, you were just getting going!) So, all in all, even though I’m going to spend the bulk of next week’s post complaining about the Packers having a bye in the fourth week, it could actually be great timing for them, considering the limp bodies they have littering their training rooms.

• Amazingly, none of Sunday’s injuries was a hamstring, but that won’t stop me from complaining about the Packers’ constant hamstring issues.

The training and medical staff has noticed, right? Like, I don't
need to send them this screenshot?

• Cornerback Damarious Randall, who showed some brilliant flashes last season as a rookie, continued his 2016 struggles, getting beat more than a few times. He did, however, have an interception, and it was my favorite kind, where it’s not really a play on the ball; the defensive back is just like, “Gimme that!!!”

• Jordy had a stellar game, with over 100 yards receiving and two touchdowns. He’s so great.

• After going 14 straight games without a passer rating of 100+ -- previous longest streak was four -- Aaron Rodgers finished the game with a 129.3 rating. Rodgers was 15-of-24 for 205 yards and four touchdowns, almost all of which came in the first half. No, seriously, he only had three completions in the second half.

• I’m trying not to be too alarmed by the wildly disappointing second half. Rodgers’ numbers don’t concern me that much because Eddie Lacy was handling things for all of the third and most of the fourth quarters, racking up 103 yards on 17 carries.

• The offense, wavered in the second half, but came through when needed, with Rodgers running for a key third down that sealed the victory. Game over!

• I don’t mind a team playing prevent defense in a blowout, but the Packers defense plays sooooo soft when they have a big lead. It’s not really a wonder that the Lions were able to get back in the game. Though, it should be noted, that Lions do have a pretty good offense.

Not good enough that Marvin Jones Jr. should have been
able to put up 205 yards, but good nonetheless.

• Someone told me he was benching Nelson in his fantasy league because the Packers offense had been so spotty. I tried to warn him that don’t ever bet against Aaron Rodgers when he’s pissed, and you know he’s pissed hearing everyone asking what’s wrong with him. (Like in this article, which is a good evaluation of why Rodgers has not been up to his standards of late.) Rodgers does not like to be doubted, and you knew he was going to come out swinging.

• The Packers run defense is currently tops in the league. They've been great, but I'm wary of getting too excited. They played against Jacksonville, who only ran on a third of their plays in 2015; they played great against Minnesota, even before Adrian Peterson went down; and then it's almost impossible for Detroit to run when they were down as far as they were, so I'm just going to stay cautiously optimistic about the run defense.

Stat that won’t make it into my column: the Packers are allowing 1.80 yards per rush attempt. Nobody else in the league is below 3.18 ypc.

— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) September 26, 2016

• Yeesh, Houston Texans. It's one thing to lose to a team playing their third-string rookie quarterback starting his first professional game, but it’s another not even to manage a single field goal! The Texans lost the the Jacoby Brissett-led New England Patriots, 27-0.

JJ didn't even have a sack! =(

• That’s all well and good for the Patriots, and people couldn’t praise Bill Belichick enough (with good reason), but they’ve got another problem. Brissett suffered a thumb injury in the victory, and second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo (Handsome Jim) is still recovering from a shoulder injury. New England is hoping that Brissett and/or Garoppolo will be healed up in time for their Week 4 game against division opponent Buffalo Bills. The Pats are trying to get to Week 5 in one piece, when Tom Brady (Handsome Tom) will return from his justly deserved suspension.

♫ "Hooooold on, for one more week!"♫

• Since 2011, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton has more rushing touchdowns than anyone except Marshawn Lynch! Such a weapon to have a quarterback who can do the work of a running back.

• While Newton had a rushing touchdown on Sunday, it wasn’t enough to overcome the Minnesota Vikings, who defeated the Panthers 22-10. Everybody, by the way, should be scared of Minnesota’s defense, which had eight sacks on Newton, who is one of the strongest and most mobile quarterbacks in the league.

• The Panthers have averaged more than 40 points (!) in their last seven home games. They were held to 10 on Sunday.

This is how Cam probably felt.

• Impressive as they are, the Vikings can't seem to catch a break with injuries. They lost starting quarterback Teddy Bridgewater for the season before the season even started. Left tackle Matt Kalil had surgery on his hip that will most likely keep him out for the entire season. Corner Xavier Rhodes hasn’t played in a game yet this season (but should return soon). Running back Adrian Peterson tore the meniscus in his right knee last week, which required surgery (he won’t be back until at least December). And now offensive guard Alex Boone was carted off with a hip injury.

All this after they lost their mascot Ragnar
in the offseason to a contract dispute!

• I’ve seen this clip about four dozen times since Sunday and it still makes me laugh every time. It’s hilarious to see Odell Beckham Jr complaining while still being held like a disobedient child by Josh Norman. And Norman carries him for, like, seven entire seconds, right in front of the ref, but still tries to pretend like he wasn’t doing anything, raising his hands in a comically over-the-top expression of innocence. Tip: turn the sound on.

• Soooo the Arizona Cardinals are really not very good, huh? They were considered Super Bowl contenders, but have now fallen to 1-2 after getting beat down by the Buffalo Bills 33-18. The Cardinals, who fooled everyone into thinking they were maybe good last week by playing against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, had five turnovers, which probably accounts for QB Carson Palmer’s dreadful 36.0 passer rating.

• I caught the end of the New York Giants-Washington Redskins game, and I’m so glad I did. After Washington’s late field goal, the Giants took over down two points with 1:51 left and two timeouts. That’s when I started chanting, first just barely a whisper, then growing louder: “E-li … E-li… E-li!... E-li! ELI! ELI!” And sure enough, a moment later, Eli Manning throws the the game-losing interception. I never doubted him!

And we were rewarded with a fantastic Manning Face.

• Oh, Cleveland. People want to cheer for you, they really do. People feel bad for you and your fans. We’d like to pity-cheer you on. But everything you do is wrong You make it difficult. You’re so bad and so unlucky. Starting your fifth quarterback in as many games, you managed to take the terrible Miami Dolphins down to the last moment. You were lining up for the game-winning field goal, but YOU MISSED IT! Overtime. Dolphins touchdown. 0-3.

• I thought this Cam Newton photo was photoshopped. It is not.

• Gosh, I couldn’t even cheer for shellacking the Chicago Bears experienced Sunday night. 1) It meant the Dallas winning. 2) Jay Cutler was out, so the joy of sacks and interceptions just wasn’t there. 3) It was so sad to watch a team get beat that badly. Really sad. 

Oh, and then Jay's coach is said publicly that Jay might not
get his job back when he's healed up.

• I was going to be bummed about Dallas winning and generally looking pretty decent the past few games, but I’ve decided that this is actually even better. Now, the most disloyal, bandwagonest fans in the league are presented with a backup quarterback who has played very well in the stead of the frustrating, aging, oft-injured, underrated long-time starter. The speed with which the entire fan base will turn on Tony Romo after he throws his first interception is going to be a joy to watch. The absolute best part is just anticipating, knowing, that Jerry Jones isn’t going to be able to resist putting his foot in the middle of it all. Can’t wait.

"Why, yes, I do have thoughts on our quarterback
situation, thank you for asking..."

• I was going to say something about how those Pittsburgh Steelers never seem to fade, but then…. well, they had a rough Sunday. The Steelers lost to cross-state rivals, the Philadelphia Eagles, 34-3. Yikes. They had a great two weeks to start the season, but upon closer examination, they beat the Redskins and the Bengals, so now I don’t know what to think about the Steelers.

• As for the Eagles, I think it’s time to talk about Carson Wentz. The second-round pick has led Philly to a 3-0 record while completing 65% of his passes, averaging over 250 passing yards per game, and throwing five touchdowns and no interceptions. The grain of salt is, of course, the quality of opponents: the Cleveland Browns, the Chicago Bears, and now the Pittsburgh Steelers (who I don’t know about!). Regardless of the opponents, Wentz deserves major propers for his play thus far. 

• Where did the Fitzmagic go??? Was it in the beard? New York Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick had just the most dreadful day. He completed fewer than half his passes and had SIX interceptions!! My only question is how the Kansas City Chiefs only won by 21 points when they had an 8-1 turnover advantage?

"Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, Ryan. Ryan, come here."

• Here’s what I do for you all. I pay ridiculous amounts of money each month for DirecTV, one of the worst companies in the history of the human race, so that I can get Sunday Ticket and watch all the games. When I came home from a trip last month, I discovered that I wasn’t receiving any channels. I called and they walked me through all the attempts to fix it myself and none of them worked so they said they send someone to fix it. ‘Great,’ I thought, and scheduled the appointment happily, even though they weren’t able to come for a week. They called the day before to confirm. Then they showed up, fixed everything, and we all went on our merry ways. Then, I got my bill they other day and discovered that they had charged me $50 for the fixing their broken product! Swelling with righteous indignation, I called their customer “service” department and ended up spending an hour and 45 minutes and still no one could tell me why, in the three times I was in contact with them, no one ever mentioned they were going to charge me! And they kept on telling me that sending a technician to fix a receiver costs money (gee, really?) but isn’t that pretty basic customer service? Fixing a product of yours that is broken?? Especially considering that I pay over $100 a month, wouldn’t you think part of that covers customer service? Of course, I lost. Cable companies are evil and always win, so I had to pay $50 for to get them to fix their crappy product and I wasted an hour and 45 minutes of my life having a not-fluent-in-English customer service rep read me scripted responses that had nothing to do with anything I was saying over and over.

• Ugh I hate to end O&E on such an evil and horrible note, so here are some beautiful pictures to soothe our nerves.

#NinjaBiceps

#GreenEyes

• Enjoy the bye.