I Wasn’t Going to Blog in the Offseason, But I Really Miss Football

• Don’t worry, Peyton Manning, I won’t let Tim Tebow or the New Orleans Saints overshadow your rightful place as the biggest news in the offseason.

"Who'd we get?" "Who cares? Tebow's gone!!"

• Is Denver a Super Bowl team now? Does Peyton have anyone to throw to? Will his head fall off?

• Can’t say the Saints got any more than they deserved for their head-hunting ways. People (i.e. Saints’ fans) have been painting Roger Goodell as an evil dictator with a vendetta who went after the sweet lil’ Saints because his ego was enraged by being lied to. Hmm, well maybe he is an evil dictator, who knows? But, yes, in most cases, the punishment for a violation is increased when you lie repeatedly at every level and continue to commit the same violation for three years, so I don’t think it’s personal, New Orleans. They really can’t complain - you do stupid stuff like that, you have to accept the consequences.

See ya next year.

• I’ve seen some New Orleans sportswriters try to say that it was a pay-for-performance program and not a bounty program (to me, that is a key distinction) or that it's been exaggerated, but keep in mind, the Saints have admitted to this stuff, so this defense seems kind of moot.  

• Warren Sapp, after toeing the company line and saying he didn’t have a problem with the league’s punishment, went on to call the person who alerted the league to the team violations a “snitch.”  Surprise, surprise, coming from the guy who laid out one of the dirtiest hits ever against Packers’ left tackle Chad Clifton. [NB: tangential rant ahead:] For those of you who don’t remember, Favre threw an interception (what?!? I know!) and Clifton, 20 yards from the play, began jogging in the direction of the play with no chance of coming near it. Sapp blindsided Clifton with a legal, though completely unnecessary, cheap, and dirty hit that left Clifton lying on the ground without feeling in his fingers and toes. Sapp and Packers’ coach Mike Sherman got into a fight after the game over the hit. Clifton spent several days in the hospital after the game and wasn’t able to walk for weeks, while Sapp continued and has continued to be a huge ###### about the whole thing. [End rant.]

That's right Warren, keep that 300 lb. lineman from chasing down a cornerback.

• The interesting question is how the players that were a part of the bounty program will be punished. Jonathan Vilma has been accused of contributing money to the “bounty pool,” but, as far as I know, he was the only player named in the league report. If the league can prove a player put money into the pool, that’s one thing, but how can it prove that a Saints defender hit an opponent any harder because of the bounty system? And if a player knew about the program, but never received any money from it, should he still be punished? This will be a harder issue to be fair on, I think.

• How does this affect the Drew Brees’ contract situation? Brees and the Saints were unable to come to an agreement - the team reportedly offered somewhere around $18.5 million a year and Brees wanted closer to $23 million a year - and the Saints had to use their franchise tag on Brees. Drew did not appreciate this, has still not signed the tender, and there has been some talk of a hold out. Will the Saints change their tune now that their coach is gone for the year, their assistant coach is gone for six games, they’ve lost two second-round draft picks in the next two drafts, and they might have player suspensions coming down shortly? Will Brees try to leverage the Saints’ new situation into higher demands?

"Let's make it $100 million -- A YEAR!"

• Just a note on the Brees’ contract sitch before the bounty scandal emerged: now, I like Drew Brees - who doesn’t? - but when your team offers to make you the highest paid player in the league (again, this was before Manning signed with Denver), I think you kind of lose your right to complain that they are screwing you over in some way.  I’ve read a bunch of articles like this one this one criticizing the Saints for not giving Brees whatever he wanted. I understand that this guy is pretty much the end-all, be-all of your team, but, again, the Saints offered to make him the Highest. Paid. Player. In. The. League! And he still wanted almost $5 million a year more! The Saints had to draw a line of common sense somewhere, right?  Well, I don’t know if that line exists for the Saints anymore, given their current predicament.

• Now, for the real news - TIM TEBOW! A JET! AHHHHHH! But Rex Ryan swears! And Mark Sanchez knows that the legal age of consent in New York is 17! And Antonio Cromartie has impregnated two more women since I started typing this sentence! Will Tim Tebow be corrupted?!? Will he suddenly become an alcoholic womanizer?!? Because, certainly, the New York Jets’ locker room is the only one in the league in which profanity is heard! And I’m sure every single one of his past teammates were saints! And none of the other cities Tebow has ever lived in had bars and clubs! And I’m sure Tebow’s never encountered groupies in his journey as most popular man in America among women ever!!

• Aside from these pressing, Pulitzer prize-winning topics, what were the Jets thinking? Perhaps bringing in the circus of Tebow-as-a-backup could work with a team that is more stable, but Ryan doesn’t seem to have a lot of control over the locker room, if the end of last season was any indication. On top of it, you have a not-very-good starting quarterback that people - fans and teammates - don’t seem to like that much. Sanchez’s work ethic has been questioned, as well as the team’s “pampering” of him and his fragile ego. Now throw in the wildly popular Tebow who has zealous fans who will stop at nothing to ensure he’s a starting quarterback. Tebow, himself, certainly wants to be a starter and will be gunning for that spot. Sanchez won’t even make it through training camp before people will be calling for Tebow and - no matter how many times the Jets say otherwise - there will be a quarterback controversy.  This is just after signing Sanchez to a way-beyond-his-talent-level three-year extension. I’m just confused as to how this is not going to be a disaster.

He sure smiles a lot for someone who ruins everything he touches.

• At least with Timmy in the media capital of the world, we’ll finally get to learn more about him in the press.

• How ‘bout them Chicago Bears actually spending some money on offense? Of course, being the Bears their acquisitions, while good in themselves, might cause some problems.

Thought provoking.

• 1. Brandon Marshall. Excellent receiver. Beloved by Jay Cutler, with whom he had a prolific working relationship in Denver.  A big receiver was one of Chicago’s most pressing needs. Marshall, however, cannot stop getting arrested. He’s been suspended by the league three times and arrested numerous times, including 8 - EIGHT! - domestic violence incidents. And his wife stabbed him last year. Now he’s been accused of punching a woman at a New York nightclub. If Marshall is found to be at all culpable in this latest incident, he can expect a heavy suspension from Mr. Roger Goodell.

• 2. Eric Weems. Good punt/kick returner from Atlanta. Not a bad signing, but it is a bit curious when the Bears already have the best returner in the (history of the) league. Some have suggested it could be to avoid paying Devin Hester a $10 million roster bonus. Or maybe they just wanted to have an even fiercer special teams unit. It will be interesting to see how the returns are divided up between Weems and Hester.

• 3. Jason Campbell. This one doesn’t really have any caveats. It’s a good pick up for the Bears. If Cutler were to get injured again this season, the Bears would be able to avoid the absolute shipwreck that was Caleb Hanie as a starting quarterback.  

• 4. Michael Bush. The Bears signed former the Raider running back to a four year deal, which would have been a good move if it didn’t royally tick off franchise-tagged and probably-going-to-hold-out incumbent Matt Forte, who was pretty much the sum total of Chicago’s offense for much of last season. Forte doesn’t seem to be upset with having a quality back-up, but more with the fact that the Bears have now signed four running backs in the last four seasons without reaching a deal with Forte. Without the specifics of the contract negotiations, however, it’s hard to tell if Forte is overvaluing himself or if the Bears are being their usual, tight-fisted selves.

• Bears’ fans, though, should be happy with the team’s sudden willingness to spend money on offense, as well as showing some interest in keeping their quarterback happy. 

This is the stuff that makes Jay unhappy.

• Poor Miami. How embarrassing has this offseason been for them? They’re, like, 0-for-67 on attempted free agent acquisitions. Petyon Manning, Matt Flynn, Alex Smith, and Ryan Clark all took a pass took a pass on the team, with Clark having some harsh comments on the Dolphins’ organization.

They even screwed up at being bad!

• Speaking of Matt Flynn - Seattle’s new starting quarterback!! Woo hoo! Go Matty! I really hopes he does well and doesn’t turn out to be Kevin Kolb Part Two. But I have faith in Matt. I hope he ushers in a new era of success for the Seahawks - starting with getting some new uniforms as quickly as possible.

These are their alternate jerseys and they're the best ones. By a lot.

• The 49ers made some noise by signing receivers Randy Moss and Mario Manningham. They also courted Peyton Manning pretty heavily, which didn’t make Alex Smith too happy, prompting his visit to Miami. I have to wonder, though, what would have happened if Smith had signed with the Dolphins? Who would have quarterbacked the Niners? Backup Colin Kaepernick? Who’s really left on the market? I’m curious as to what their plan was.

• So much has been happening this offseason, it’s hard to keep track of it all! The Buffalo Bills scored big in free agency, signing pass-rushing machine and all-around stud Mario Williams, as well as DE Mark Anderson, seriously beefing up their defense. Their key offseason move on offense was resigning receiver Stevie Johnson.

Didn't want to do some pro bono work for the Pack???

• The Tampa Bay Bucs picked up guard Carl Nicks from New Orleans, as well as WR Vincent Jackson to try to help QB Josh Freeman and the fans forget about last year.

•  The San Diego Chargers have already signed nine free agents, the most notable being receivers Robert Meachum and Eddie Royal. Maybe they can help QB Philip Rivers and the fans forget about last year.

• The Colts are not going to go into rebuilding mode lying down, either. They signed safety Tom Zbikowski and defensive end Cory Redding from the Ravens, as well as a couple of offensive linemen in Mike McGlynn and Winston Justice.

• The Packers finally dipped into free agency, as well, signing former Peyton Manning sidekick center Jeff Saturday to a two-year deal. Saturday is no spring chicken, but he’s had a remarkably healthy career and provides a nice bridge at center while the Packers try to find a long-term replacement for Scott Wells.

In a pinch, Aaron could snap the ball to himself. Because he's Aaron Rodgers.

• The Packers also signed another ex-Colt in defensive tackle Daniel Muir, who spent his rookie year with Green Bay. Muir was likely signed to replace Howard Green.

• The Packers have also been talking with a few other free agents  to try to find some solution for their dismal defensive line.

"Pleeeeaase! Somebody help me!"

• Aside from the defensive line issues, the Packers don’t have any desperate needs, except saving up money for the next couple of seasons, when they’ll need to resign Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, and Greg Jennings to big bucks contracts.

Together in Green Bay forever and ever. And ever.

• A bunch of other stuff happened with some other teams, too, I’m sure, but nothing important enough for me to care about. Is it September yet??

Some Team Beat Some Other Team in Some Game

• Everyone is trying really, really hard to convince the world that this was a great game. It was not. It was a pretty boring game until the second half of the fourth quarter. And, again, despite what you hear and read, neither quarterback played very well. I thought both looked very pedestrian throughout the game.

• Tom Brady was 27/41 for 276 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 1 interception. (What the heck was he thinking on that interception?? It was such a bad decision and an even worse throw.) The Giants’ defense did not dominate the game as they did in 2007, but they did enough to keep Brady from finding a rhythm late in the game.

Aww. Maybe you won't have to wait another 7 years to go back.

• Eli Manning had approximately five good passes in the entire game. Other than that, he looked like typical Eli - including a few terrible throws that looked like guaranteed interceptions except for the fact that they were playing New England’s inept secondary.

• I mean, New England Patriots defense has been horrifically bad this season. (This is the defense that allowed Jason Campbell 344 passing yards, Ryan Fitzpatrick 676 yards in two meetings, Vince Young 400 yards, Matt Moore 281 yards, even Tyler Palko put up 230 yards. Chad Henne had 416 yards!! Dan Orlovsky had 353 yards - DAN ORLOVSKY!!! I’ll just leave it at that.) Against this hideously terrible defense, Eli Manning managed 296 yards and 1 touchdown. Ladies and gentlemen, your Super Bowl MVP.

"This is so much better than the Super Bowl!"

• The game was not terrible, but it was a reminder that these were two average teams playing for the championship. Aside from the their embarrassing defense, the Patriots only beat one team with a winning record all season long. The one team they did beat was on a fluke missed 32-yard field goal.

• As for the Giants, they gave up more points than they scored in the regular season. By comparison, the Packers outscored their opponents by more than 200 points. The Giants gave up more points than any of the other teams in the NFC except for Tampa Bay, Minnesota, Carolina, and St. Louis. The Packers - the 32nd ranked defense - gave up 41 fewer points than the Giants. The Patriots - the 31st ranked defense - gave up 58 fewer points. The Saints - the 30th ranked defense - gave up 61 fewer points. And I’m supposed to believe this is the best team in the league?

• Furthermore, the Giants loss to the Washington Redskins - TWICE!!! I’m sure if we look up all the rules and bylaws, there must be some fine print that disqualifies any team that loses to a Rex Grossman-led team twice in one season from Super Bowl contention.

Yes, this man beat the champs not once, but twice.

• I just don’t get why people are trying to sell this game as a super-exciting, epic battle between two dominant teams. Everyone is talking about Manning’s fourth-quarter pass to Mario Manningham along the sideline. It was an excellent pass and a great catch, and Manningham was incredible at making sure he had both feet inbounds - but, come on, don’t you see this play five times a Sunday during the regular season? Packers’ fans, how many times a game does Jordy Nelson make this catch? And people are trying to say it rivals the Helmet Catch? Puh-lease.

Oh, Jordy.

• Likewise, I saw some crazy people trying to argue that Justin Tuck “dominated” the game, more so than he did 4 years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I love Justin Tuck. He’s one of my favorite non-Packer players. And he played well. He had 2 sacks, 3 quarterback hits (including one that forced the safety), and contributed to Brady’s overall discomfort. But let’s not be ridiculous - his performance this year was not anywhere close to his Super Bowl performance in 2007, which, in my opinion, was one of the most incredible single-game performances by a defensive player. I remember hearing Tuck’s name all game long in the 2007 Super Bowl; he seemed to be involved in every single play. This time around he had a solid game, but nothing like 2007.

You're still incredible, though.

• And spare me the Tom-Brady’s-reputation-slash-legacy-is-tarnished-now. The New York Giants have twice beaten the Patriots in Super Bowls where the Pats were favored. That’s a big deal. They should be congratulated for it. But it hardly affects the legacy that Tom Brady has built: 5 Super Bowl appearances, 3 rings, and pages and pages of records. And that’s supposed to mean less because he lost two close games to the same team? C’mon now.

He'll always be in the "best ever" discussion.

• My point is people are being absolutely ridiculous about what actually happened in this game. Brady played okay. Manning played okay. The Giants defense played okay. And the Patriots receivers played less than okay. The game was okay. That’s what really happened. So let's all scale back the superlatives, okay? Okay.

Now, for some other random stuff:

• Patriots WR Tiquan Underwood got an awesome haircut for the big game.

• Too bad the Patriots released him the night before the Super Bowl. No, seriously, they did. Seems kind of mean and evil to me. Really, Bill? You had to wait till the night before??

• Those mean Patriots also deactivated 13-year veteran RB Kevin Faulk (who’s played all 13 seasons with New England and was instrumental during their Super Bowl years) for the game.

I guess that's what you get when you play for Satan's BFF..

• Now, I may be the only person in the world who does not think Gisele is pretty, but people need to back off her! She caught a lot of flak prior to a game because she sent an email to her family and friends asking them for thoughts and prayers for her husband on Super Bowl Sunday. How is this news? A wife wants her husband to do well in one of the biggest moments of his life and the media criticizes her for it?? Then, after the game, while being heckled by some obnoxious New York Giants fans about her husband's play, Gisele snapped that it was the Patriots' receivers' fault for not catching Brady's passes. Probably not the nicest or smartest thing to say, but, to be fair, they did drop some big passes, and I'm sure she didn't think her words would end up making news. As a general rule, maybe you shouldn't taunt a woman right after her spouse's heart has been crushed. It seems like a pretty natural reaction to me.

But I still don't think she's pretty. Great hair, though.

• Aaron Rodgers was totally right in his surprisingly candid comments on the Pro Bowl. I really like football, but even I couldn’t watch much of that game. Though, to be honest, I don't think there's much that can be or needs to be done about the Pro Bowl.

• The best part of the Pro Bowl was that Air Force sergeant singing the national anthem so beautifully.  Especially right after Hot Chelle Rae’s live performance made my ears bleed.

• Sometimes I think Mike Pereira is intentionally trying to be the most insufferable man alive. No one could be this self-important without a touch of irony, right?

• The whole point of this post is that this game would have been so much better if the Packers had played. How much fun would a New Orleans-Green Bay Super Bowl have been???? (Who needs the AFC?)

Yeah, last year was way more fun.

I miss football already, but I guess with the season over, it's time for this blog to turn its attention to cats full-time.

I Guess There's Still Football Going On. Eh.

• Poor Ravens. They played better than the Patriots. It’s too bad that two bad mistakes by Lee Evans and Billy Cundiff undid a strong performance by Baltimore. Poor guys. Especially Cundiff. Poor, poor Billy.

Yep. That pretty much says it all.

• When the announcers pointed out that the laces weren’t completely out, wasn’t everyone in the country thinking of Ace Ventura? The good people at YouTube kindly put together a little updated version of the clip:

• Joe Flacco played a strong game. So the Ravens have that going for them, I guess.

• Some Ravens are taking the loss hard. Linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo seems to be having a particularly difficult time accepting reality.

Sorry, buddy, but it's real.

• Is there a more hated man in New England than Bernard Pollard? Playing on three different teams, he was involved on each play in which Tom Brady, Wes Welker, and Rob Gronkowski all sustained serious injuries.

Yeah, that one hurt.

• Like the AFC game, it seemed like the 49ers played better for the majority of the game, but two big mistakes late cost them the game. I feel even worse for Kyle Williams than for Billy Cundiff! Just the wrong time of the season to have a bad day.

Awww. I'll be your friend, Kyle!

• I’m disturbed by the Giants’ frank and almost gleeful admission that they purposely went after Kyle Williams because of his history of concussions. I understand playing hard and hitting hard and all that, but I think there’s a problem with going into a game with the intention of taking an opponent out of the game.

• Jay Cutler’s going to be a dad! Congrats! Kristin Cavallari’s going to have her hands full planning a wedding, taking care of a whiny, sulking crybaby, and now with an infant on the way! Zing!

"No! I won't take a nap! I hate nap time! It's stupid!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

The teenage years.

Jk, Jay! We're happy for you!

• The hat Tim Tebow always wears is cute, and I think he looks good in it, but it seems to be permanently fused to his scalp of late. Is he going bald or something? He’s been wearing it everywhere he goes! Not that I’m stalking him or anything ...

• It’s hard to know whom to cheer for in the Super Bowl. I hate the Patriots, because they’re the Patriots and everything about them is awful. But, I’m still mad at the Giants. And if Eli Manning wins another Super Bowl, we’ll all have to pretend he’s an “elite” quarterback. Yes, he’s improved greatly this season, but this is still Eli Manning we’re talking about. I don’t care how many Super Bowls he wins! If you were starting a team from scratch, aren’t there at least ten other quarterbacks you’d rather have than Eli? I’d take a neckless Peyton over him. I guess the best I’m hoping for is that Eli is pulled from the game due to injury or terribleness and the Giants’ defense shuts up smug New Englanders. That way both the Patriots and Eli lose.

Both teams are stinky and smelly.

• But, really, who cares about the Super Bowl without the Green Bay Packers?

The Pro Bowl is now my Super Bowl.

I Just Don't Like Life That Much Anymore

• That was bad. I mean, it wasn’t even close. The Packers scored only two touchdowns - and neither of them should have counted! One came on the drive that was allowed to continue after Greg Jennings' fumble was inexplicably not overturned, and the other touchdown drive was saved by a terrible roughing-the-passer call against the Giants.

Nooooooooooooooooooo!

• The defensive atrocities I’ve come to accept, but I’ve just never seen the Packers make so many mistakes on offense.

• The absolute worst play of the game was on the second to last play of the first half that setup the Hail Mary touchdown. The Giants were facing 3rd-and-1 with a dwindling clock and the Packers allowed Ahmad Bradshaw to run for the first down, plus an extra 22 yards, across the entire freaking football field, and get out of the bounds to stop the clock. Honestly, how does this happen? HOW??

"Gotcha! Wait, why are you still running? Are we playing tackle??"

 

• I understand McCarthy was trying to make something happen with that onside kick to start the second quarter, and I know the Packers have had success with that in the past, but I have to question the timing. The Giants were unable to convert the recovered kick to points when Brad Jones blocked the field goal, but I thought losing the onside kick was a bit of a hit to the Packers' confidence. Then again, it was clear that the Packers desperately needed a spark, and if it had worked, I’d be calling McCarthy a genius.

• I do not think the Packers lost because they had too much rest. That’s an easy answer because the Packers played very un-Packer-like football, and people are looking for what was different this week -- extra time off. There’s a problem with causality there. Critics of the McCarthy’s decision to rest some players try to make it sound as if all the starters took the final week off, but Rodgers was really the only healthy offensive player who did not play. I find it hard to believe that anyone believes that if Aaron Rodgers had played week 17 against Detroit that this week’s game would have been any different.

Finley still would have dropped pass after pass.

• Who would have ever thought the NFC Championship would be Giants at 49ers???

I think Alex is pretty surprised himself.

• Football " purists" will be happy. Three of the four teams left are known for their defensive identities, so cue the annoying slobbering about “real football,” “smash-mouth football,” and “this is what the game is really all about!”

• I dread any game on CBS because I have to listen to their terrible announcers try to wade the complexities of calling the entire game competently.

• The media’s love affair with the Ravens’ defense is vomit-inducing. Especially when it comes to Ray Lewis. I get praising the players - they’re excellent, but have some restraint. Every time Ray Lewis screams into the camera, the announcers fall over themselves to say brilliant things like, “Nobody, and I mean nobody plays with more passion than Ray Lewis!!!!!” Okay, fine, but you just said the same thing three minutes ago about Terrell Suggs … and Ed Reed … and Haloti Ngata.

"LOOK! HE'S DANCING!" Just like he does every. single. game.

• Arian Foster is really, really good. Also, cool haircut.

• I would like to see the 49ers beat the Giants because I’m mad at the Giants, but, while both teams have strong defenses, it sure seems that the Giants have the offensive edge.

• I would also love, love, love to see the Ravens take out the Patriots, but does anyone honestly feel good taking Joe in a Flacco vs. Brady contest?

I'd feel more confident in you, Joe,  if I felt that you felt more confident.

• And Ed Reed, how is criticizing your own quarterback helping??

• Unfortunately, Tim Tebow’s out of the playoffs. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still talk about him constantly! Apparently, Tebow played much of the second half of the Patriots game with torn cartilage in his ribs, as well as a bruised lung, which cause fluid build-up. Poor Timmy! As someone who prays for the sweet relief of death if she stubs her toe, I find this level of pain tolerance quite impressive. (And it's nothing compared to Anquan Boldin!)

Don't hurt him! Don't you know that's Tim Tebow?!

• Wow - how dysfunctional are the Jets? After a Week 17 meltdown and accusations of bad attitudes in the locker room, third-string quarterback Greg McElroy helpfully chimed in, saying the Jets had a “corrupt mindset,” while some unnamed players called Mark Sanchez “lazy,” and expressed a desire for a trade that would send Peyton Manning to New York. And you thought there were problems in your workplace...

"Yeah, well, I'm still a millionaire dating a supermodel."

• The Chicago Bears also have a lot to sort out. They fired GM Jerry Angelo, but kept head coach Lovie Smith. Offensive coordinator Mike Martz walked away, and offensive line coach Mike Tice was promoted to run the offense. Now, it turns out, Tice has requested to interview for the Raiders’ head coaching vacancy. Yikes. The Bears will have to find a GM and potentially another offensive coordinator, and, since the Bears have already confirmed Lovie Smith’s return, it might be difficult to persuade candidates to join when they are not allowed to bring in their own staffs. 

And they'd have to have this turnover machine as QB.

• This week was beyond terrible, but I still love the Packers!!!!! Go Niners. I guess.

It's ok, Aaron. Even the best have off days.

Here, have one of these to console yourself.