I Guess Defense Does Win Championships

• So the Denver Broncos won the Super Bowl! I still don’t care, but at least it was a pretty good game. Both defenses were excellent, but it was Denver’s defense that was able to put points on the board.

This nice, studious looking gentleman is a monster.

• The Carolina Panthers, who averaged over 31 points a game in the regular season were held to just 10 points. Many of their wounds were self-inflicted, but Cam Newton and the offensive line were getting absolutely flattened all game long -- Denver had 13 quarterback knockdowns, four forced fumbles (recovered three), seven sacks, and an interception -- and somehow they looked even more dominant than those numbers indicate. (Here’s an interesting article on how Denver’s defensive scheme kept the Panthers in check all game long.)

• As good as the defenses were, the offenses were … not. Let’s start with Carolina. The Panthers amassed a total of 315 yards, but turned the ball over four times! They were 3-for-15 on third downs and gained 4.2 yards per play. It could have been a really interesting game if Carolina hadn’t continually shot itself in the foot with turnovers and penalties -- 12 for 102 yards!

Poor running back Mike Tolbert -- who hadn't fumbled in four
years -- fumbled twice in the first half.

• Eli and Peyton Manning already have a lot in common (playing quarterback, DNA, &c), but now they also share winning a Super Bowl on the backs of their defenses. For a fleeting, blood-chilling moment, I feared they might give the Super Bowl MVP to Peyton in some kind of maudlin gesture, but thank goodness it rightfully went to Von Miller.

Then they would have had even more in common, because even Eli
knows his Super Bowl MVPs belong to Justin Tuck. 

• Everyone knows that the Denver defense won the game for them, but the numbers for Peyton Manning and the offense are truly ghastly. Manning was 13-for-23 with one interception, zero touchdowns, and a 9.9 QBR (that’s out of 100, kids). The offense as a whole only gained 194 yards! TOTAL! The only offensive touchdown came after their defense gave them the ball on the four-yard line (so I’m going to count that as a defensive touchdown). I was happy for Denver’s defense getting the well-deserved win, but typing out these offensive stats makes me mad that this team won! HALF of their 14 drives were three-and-outs! They were 1-for-14 on third downs!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you give a title to only part of a team?

• Maybe that’s what Eli’s dismay was for when the Broncos scored the go-ahead touchdown with three minutes left in the game.

• Peyton is now the winningest quarterback in NFL history with a nice, even 200 wins. He’s also the only starting quarterback to win Super Bowls with more than one team.

That's cool and all, but I'm still stuck on how
horrible and undeserving he and the offense were.

• So remember Thomas Davis? The Carolina linebacker who broke his arm two weeks ago and swore he was going to play in the Super Bowl? Well, he did. He took a picture of his arm after the game, and it was disgusting.

If this is actually real, 1) ew; 2) those doctors might
want to work on their sewing skills. 

• Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib had a rough game. He was called for three penalties in the first half alone (two of which were personal fouls, and he could have easily been called for offsides on Carolina’s missed field goal attempt). One of his penalties was for trying to decapitate a Panthers receiver -- a foul he admits he committed intentionally because it only cost the team one-and-a-half yards.

• Talib’s awful and a jerk, but doesn’t he look like Oscar-winning British actor Ben Kingsley?

• Cam Newton is getting a facing a lot of criticism for his postgame press conference, which lasted all of two-and-a-half minutes before Newton walked out. I feel for him, but two things, Cam: 1) you ticked off a lot of people with your celebrations and attitude all season. That’s all fine and good when you’re winning, but you have to be prepared for the comeuppance when you lose. 2) Having to deal with the media moments after your heart’s been broken is part of the reason your salary is in the millions. I feel for you, but my sympathy’s quite limited.

• Cam’s many haters are having a field day right now, but Peyton Manning is not among them. He praised Cam’s postgame behavior, calling him “extremely humble” and “very nice.”

• I’ll take Cam Newton’s postgame behavior over Manning’s. Immediately after the game, Manning was interviewed and could not help plugging for Budweiser, a company in which he owns shares. Good God, Peyton, take a break. How much effing money do you need? You just reached the pinnacle of your career and probably played your last game after 18 seasons, and your first thought is to shill some product like a two-bit snake oil salesman?? (Oh, and you better believe Papa John was on the freaking Super Bowl field with Peyton.) You’d think Manning’s kids were starving on the street the way he pursues his damn endorsements. I was kind of happy for Peyton winning up until that moment.

• After the victory, Annabel Bowlen, the wife of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, took a moment to congratulate the, uh, team. She also served as a PSA to remind women everywhere to go easy on the plastic surgery.

Eek.

• In her defense, though, there must be a lot of pressure being the wife of an NFL owner -- some of them are dating women who are literally less than half their age.

I get so embarrassed and sad when I see these two.

• The NFL Honors aired the night before the Super Bowl. Charles Woodson won the Art Rooney Sportsmanship Award (yaay!), andJJ Watt won his third Defensive Player of the Year award (duh!). The only other interesting thing was Antonio Brown winning the Fantasy Player of the Year, and thanking himself. His hair is pretty interesting, too, I suppose.

• Don’t ask me about any of the commercials because ohmygosh I don't care. And I definitely don't care about the halftime show. Also, I wish the media would stop colluding to try to convince me that Beyonce is so amazing and so cool and so incredible. She's not. Her music isn’t very good and she insists on wearing unflattering leotards all the time.

She was great in Destiny's Child, though. For real.

• Well, alas, the season is over, and now we turn to the slow summer months of NFL players getting fired and arrested. For obvious reasons, next season will be much, much better than this season.

• Now that the Super Bowl over, it's time prepare for the 2016 season, when Green Bay will reclaim its rightful place atop the league. I’m ready. Jordy, you ready?

Leftovers

• The fact that there weren’t any (real) football games this weekend didn’t dissuade me from foisting my random football thoughts upon the internets once again. The week before the Super Bowl is the perfect chance to share the leftovers, the things that just didn’t fit into any other week’s post, like the above photo of Jordy and Randall smoldering at the camera like models. Or this picture of former St. Louis Rams and Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Torry Holt’s hand:

Aaaaaahhhhhhh!

• They haven’t announced any awards yet this season, but the Comeback Player of the Year has to be Eric Berry. The Kansas City Chiefs safety was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma in December of 2014, and went through several months of chemotherapy -- and continued to train throughout the treatment! After Berry was cleared to resume playing football in the offseason, he played in all 16 games this season and was selected to the Pro Bowl. Try to top that comeback story.

Here he is with his mom before his first game back.
*Sniff* It's really dusty in here all of a sudden.

• Next time I feel tempted to complain about the injuries the Green Bay Packers have suffered, I will remind myself that the Baltimore Ravens had 22 players on injured reserve this year.

• Can anyone explain what goes through Jerry Jones’ head? The Dallas Cowboys owner and GM smiled his soulless grin throughout the whole Greg Hardy debacle -- signing him after the PR nightmare of Hardy’s domestic violence charge, chuckling through Hardy’s disaster of a first interview in which he made comments about opponents’ wives and expressed zero remorse for the actions that kept him out almost all of the 2014 season, shrugging off the matter when photos of the battered girlfriend emerged, reaffirming Hardy as a “leader” when he shoved a coach on the sidelines, then doubling down and saying he wanted to extend Hardy after the season. Now it appears that the Cowboys are not going to re-sign him. For the myriad of above reasons? Nope! The Cowboys were unhappy with Hardy’s partying throughout the season that led to poor conditioning and missed meetings. Their reasoning is amusing considering that there have been several rumors of the Cowboys' interest in Johnny Manziel.

And, hey, I hear Manziel is in the area!

• Speaking of the erstwhile Johnny Football, doesn’t he look like ‘50s singer Bobby Darin?? Like, a lot?

• Megatron is retiring!! Calvin Johnson, the 30-year-old Detroit Lions receiver, is reportedly walking away from the game. Even though he’s a division rival, I loooooove Johnson and am sad we won’t get to watch crazy highlights from him every week in the future. That said, I’m glad he’s walking away on his own and all that. For your viewing pleasure, here's a compilation of his best catches against every opponent.

• Justin Tuck, another one of my favorite non-Packers players is also retiring. =( I’ve been a huge fan of Tuck ever since his Notre Dame days! Bye, Justin! I'll miss you!

• The Chicago Tribune ran this obituary of a local sports fan.

Good woman. May she rest in peace.

• Aaron Rodgers had knee surgery last month!! It was reported that the surgery was just to “clean up” his knee, but Packers fans have jumped on the news as a possible reason for Rodgers’ not-great-by-his-standards season. I hope he’s all healed up by next season so he can do a lot of this with Jordy:

• Clay Matthews made the Pro Bowl as an inside linebacker and decided to take all the Green Bay inside linebackers to Hawaii with him. The unit should be extremely grateful because a) that’s super nice of him, and b) that’s the closest that group is ever going to get to the Pro Bowl. So thanks, Clay!

• There were no highlights from the this year's boring-even-for-the-Pro-Bowl Pro Bowl, so let’s throw back to last year when Jordy scored a touchdown and celebrated with Clay, who was on the opposing team.

• I think it's ridiculous that players who are, like, fifth-string choices for the Pro Bowl get to put that on their resume as if they were actually voted in. They only get to play because none of the big names want to waste their time, which is fine, but now Tyrod Taylor can be referred to as a Pro Bowl quarterback??

• I’m hoping for a good Super Bowl, but I just can’t get over the fact that the people in charge are allowing Phil Simms to announce the biggest game of the year! Do they not follow Phil Simms Quotes on Twitter??

• I don’t like the Carolina Panthers, but this article detailing how against-the-odds Carolina’s rise has been and the fact that I really like Luke Kuechly means I’m probably going to cheer for them in the Super Bowl. But I really don’t care.

• Neither does Jordy. He's ready for next season to start.

Me too, J.