I Guess Defense Does Win Championships

• So the Denver Broncos won the Super Bowl! I still don’t care, but at least it was a pretty good game. Both defenses were excellent, but it was Denver’s defense that was able to put points on the board.

This nice, studious looking gentleman is a monster.

• The Carolina Panthers, who averaged over 31 points a game in the regular season were held to just 10 points. Many of their wounds were self-inflicted, but Cam Newton and the offensive line were getting absolutely flattened all game long -- Denver had 13 quarterback knockdowns, four forced fumbles (recovered three), seven sacks, and an interception -- and somehow they looked even more dominant than those numbers indicate. (Here’s an interesting article on how Denver’s defensive scheme kept the Panthers in check all game long.)

• As good as the defenses were, the offenses were … not. Let’s start with Carolina. The Panthers amassed a total of 315 yards, but turned the ball over four times! They were 3-for-15 on third downs and gained 4.2 yards per play. It could have been a really interesting game if Carolina hadn’t continually shot itself in the foot with turnovers and penalties -- 12 for 102 yards!

Poor running back Mike Tolbert -- who hadn't fumbled in four
years -- fumbled twice in the first half.

• Eli and Peyton Manning already have a lot in common (playing quarterback, DNA, &c), but now they also share winning a Super Bowl on the backs of their defenses. For a fleeting, blood-chilling moment, I feared they might give the Super Bowl MVP to Peyton in some kind of maudlin gesture, but thank goodness it rightfully went to Von Miller.

Then they would have had even more in common, because even Eli
knows his Super Bowl MVPs belong to Justin Tuck. 

• Everyone knows that the Denver defense won the game for them, but the numbers for Peyton Manning and the offense are truly ghastly. Manning was 13-for-23 with one interception, zero touchdowns, and a 9.9 QBR (that’s out of 100, kids). The offense as a whole only gained 194 yards! TOTAL! The only offensive touchdown came after their defense gave them the ball on the four-yard line (so I’m going to count that as a defensive touchdown). I was happy for Denver’s defense getting the well-deserved win, but typing out these offensive stats makes me mad that this team won! HALF of their 14 drives were three-and-outs! They were 1-for-14 on third downs!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you give a title to only part of a team?

• Maybe that’s what Eli’s dismay was for when the Broncos scored the go-ahead touchdown with three minutes left in the game.

• Peyton is now the winningest quarterback in NFL history with a nice, even 200 wins. He’s also the only starting quarterback to win Super Bowls with more than one team.

That's cool and all, but I'm still stuck on how
horrible and undeserving he and the offense were.

• So remember Thomas Davis? The Carolina linebacker who broke his arm two weeks ago and swore he was going to play in the Super Bowl? Well, he did. He took a picture of his arm after the game, and it was disgusting.

If this is actually real, 1) ew; 2) those doctors might
want to work on their sewing skills. 

• Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib had a rough game. He was called for three penalties in the first half alone (two of which were personal fouls, and he could have easily been called for offsides on Carolina’s missed field goal attempt). One of his penalties was for trying to decapitate a Panthers receiver -- a foul he admits he committed intentionally because it only cost the team one-and-a-half yards.

• Talib’s awful and a jerk, but doesn’t he look like Oscar-winning British actor Ben Kingsley?

• Cam Newton is getting a facing a lot of criticism for his postgame press conference, which lasted all of two-and-a-half minutes before Newton walked out. I feel for him, but two things, Cam: 1) you ticked off a lot of people with your celebrations and attitude all season. That’s all fine and good when you’re winning, but you have to be prepared for the comeuppance when you lose. 2) Having to deal with the media moments after your heart’s been broken is part of the reason your salary is in the millions. I feel for you, but my sympathy’s quite limited.

• Cam’s many haters are having a field day right now, but Peyton Manning is not among them. He praised Cam’s postgame behavior, calling him “extremely humble” and “very nice.”

• I’ll take Cam Newton’s postgame behavior over Manning’s. Immediately after the game, Manning was interviewed and could not help plugging for Budweiser, a company in which he owns shares. Good God, Peyton, take a break. How much effing money do you need? You just reached the pinnacle of your career and probably played your last game after 18 seasons, and your first thought is to shill some product like a two-bit snake oil salesman?? (Oh, and you better believe Papa John was on the freaking Super Bowl field with Peyton.) You’d think Manning’s kids were starving on the street the way he pursues his damn endorsements. I was kind of happy for Peyton winning up until that moment.

• After the victory, Annabel Bowlen, the wife of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, took a moment to congratulate the, uh, team. She also served as a PSA to remind women everywhere to go easy on the plastic surgery.

Eek.

• In her defense, though, there must be a lot of pressure being the wife of an NFL owner -- some of them are dating women who are literally less than half their age.

I get so embarrassed and sad when I see these two.

• The NFL Honors aired the night before the Super Bowl. Charles Woodson won the Art Rooney Sportsmanship Award (yaay!), andJJ Watt won his third Defensive Player of the Year award (duh!). The only other interesting thing was Antonio Brown winning the Fantasy Player of the Year, and thanking himself. His hair is pretty interesting, too, I suppose.

• Don’t ask me about any of the commercials because ohmygosh I don't care. And I definitely don't care about the halftime show. Also, I wish the media would stop colluding to try to convince me that Beyonce is so amazing and so cool and so incredible. She's not. Her music isn’t very good and she insists on wearing unflattering leotards all the time.

She was great in Destiny's Child, though. For real.

• Well, alas, the season is over, and now we turn to the slow summer months of NFL players getting fired and arrested. For obvious reasons, next season will be much, much better than this season.

• Now that the Super Bowl over, it's time prepare for the 2016 season, when Green Bay will reclaim its rightful place atop the league. I’m ready. Jordy, you ready?