Whatever. No One Cares About Week 1 Anyway.

• So. That Colin Kaepernick is pretty good, huh?

• How ‘bout Jordy Nelson! 130 yards on 7 catches! And you were worried about his knee after he had surgery in the preseason. Look. At. This.

I really wanted SF to challenge this so I could watch it over and over in slow motion.

• Though the run blocking certainly left something to be desired, the pass protection from a young offensive line was promising, especially considering the caliber of the defensive front seven they were facing.

• Mason Crosby’s had well-documented struggles with accuracy, but his length strength has always been his best quality, which is why it was confusing to see punter Tim Masthay handle all the kickoffs. Masthay not only killed it on the kickoffs, he had two fan-tastic tackles to save big returns.

The Ginger Wolverine is a man of many talents.

• Would anyone care to cover Anquan Boldin? No? Okay.

 

• I’m hoping Green Bay’s 11 penalties for 85 yards is just a factor of this being the first game of the season, because that was really frustrating to watch.

• Backup safety Jerron McMillian’s braids are really impressive. Do you know what’s not impressive? His ability to defend any pass. That guy was getting spun around like a ballerina all game long. In addition to allowing six receptions on six targets -- including one for a touchdown -- he missed four tackles.

But, hey, like I said - nice braids.

• It’s not all on McMillian. I mean, how are so many professional defensive players so bad at open-field tackling? And why do so many of them play for the Packers?

• Read this carefully: San Francisco 49ers cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha is making more money this year from the Philadelphia Eagles (his former team) than Jordy Nelson is making from the Green Bay Packers.

"I love my jobs! Especially the one that still pays me after I stopped working!"

• Even more pathetic than the time of possession stat - 21:25 vs. 38:35 - was the Packers’ final play of the game. Looking for a Hail Mary, Rodgers got sacked - against a THREE-MAN RUSH. Five offensive lineman versus three pass rushers. Come ON!

• It stinks that the Packers lost, but there’s some good to be taken away: 
• 1. Our run defense was pretty good. San Francisco only had 90 yards on 34 attempts.
• 2. It was a close game; the Packers hung in there despite allowing almost 500 yards.
• 3. Green Bay has a tough schedule, but probably the toughest opponent is out of the way.
• 4. There was an officiating mistake that altered the game, so I can whine about that all season long!

• Clay Matthews’ late hit on Kaepernick and the ensuing scuffle resulted in off-setting penalties. The refs mistakenly replayed the down as a 3rd-and-6th when it should have been a 4th-and-1 because both penalties came after the play. San Francisco would score a touchdown on that 3rd-and-6th.

• I like coach Mike McCarthy’s reaction to the officiating mistake: "That's part of the game. The ball doesn't always bounce your way." The Packers had two turnovers, zero takeaways, and allowed 494 yards, so they had their chances. Furthermore, I think Matthews deserved a second penalty for the (sorta) punch he threw at Niners offensive lineman Joe Staley during the post-play skirmish.

• Regarding Clay's late hit, I really don't think it was as terrible as everyone else apparently does. The late hit rule is a little ridiculous in the way it's enforced. You can't expect time and physics to just halt the second a player goes out of bounds. These defenders are charging full speed ahead; they can't stop themselves after they've committed to the tackle. These offensive players are often able to pick up a couple of extra yards tiptoeing along the sideline because they know the defenders are worried about getting flags. It's similar to the quarterback slide rule - quarterbacks take advantage of the unreasonable rules to which defenders are held to pick up vital extra yards.

• Here's a still of Matthews. At this point, he's pretty much committed to the tackle and Kaepernick's still in bounds.

Late? Yes. Dirty or egregious? No way.

• Even worse was the call against Tampa Bay linebacker Lavonte David. David was whistled for a late hit with seven seconds remaining in the game that put the New York Jets in field goal range, allowing for an improbable Jets victory. I was going to make fun of David for making a stupid play, but then I saw two things: one, they showed him crying on the sidelines, which made me very sad; and two, it wasn't a late hit!

Come on! The guy's still in-bounds at contact!!

As for the rest of the league:

• Adrian Peterson’s first touch of the season was a 78-yard touchdown. Of course it was.

• The Detroit Lions are right back to their bumbling, Inspector Closeau ways, fumbling the snap on a 30-yard field goal attempt on their first drive. The Lions’ first half was littered with turnovers and near-turnovers, dropped passes, and their trademark stupid penalties. Ndamukong Suh is the same jerk we all remember and cost his team a touchdown after a pick-six was called back because of a chop block he leveled at Minnesota lineman’s knee. As always with Detroit, it’s not a lack of talent, it’s a lack of discipline. You know whom I’m going to blame for that.

He grew the facial hair solely for the purpose of looking more evil.

• But Christian Ponder was not to be outdone! No, he said to himself, I can counteract the fact that the opposing team is trying to give away the game and the fact that we have the best running back in the league all by myself! True to his word, Christian threw 3 interceptions and allowed a wildly sloppy Detroit team to win by 10 points.

Never doubt Christian Ponder.

• Four of this weekend’s games featured a safety! How weird is that? The Pittsburgh Steelers almost began their game 4-0, but the second safety was overturned on review. The refs really should have just let that go so that we could all enjoy the weirdest score in the world.

• Mark Sanchez really does not make his life any easier for himself. Just look at his hair.

This hairstyle was all the rage on my high school volleyball team.

• Speaking of high school, Minnesota’s new uniforms look like high school uniforms. Which I suppose is fitting since their quarterback plays like a high school high school quarterback.

I am digging the matte finish on the helmets, though.

• I used to watch Minnesota safety Harrison Smith in college and he was not this good. He’s becoming a fantastic player.

• I’ve always been a Danny Amendola fan, but he is Mr. Glass. That guy is always injured, coming back from an injury, or about to be injured. In his defense, he did come back in after leaving this weekend’s game and owned the final drive.

"Fine, Danny, I'll kiss it and make it better, but then you have to shut up!"

• The Cleveland Browns began their season this way: interception, punt, interception, punt, interception -- and they still led at the half! They did eventually lose, of course. They are the Browns, after all.

• Tampa Bay’s Adrian Clayborn’s braids are terrible. The Packers would never allow such messiness.

I, too, struggle with dry, frizzy hair, Adrian.

• Jerry Jones is worth about $2,700,000,000, according to Forbes, yet there is no commercial that he won’t do.

Yes, the commercial is as embarrassing as this photo suggests.

• Troy Polomalu. 

People should set their watches to this.

• Larry Fitzgerald must be crying tears of joys over having an actual quarterback. Carson Palmer must look like Drew Brees after having Matt Leinart, Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, Ryan Lindley (who?), and Brian Hoyer throw to you. Fitzy had two touchdowns this week after only four touchdowns all last season. I have terrible hand-eye coordination, depth perception problems, and my arm looks like a spaghetti noodle, but I think even I could get Larry Fitzgerald four touchdowns in a season.

•  Oh, poor Phillip Rivers. Just when things were going right for him..

Giving up 21 unanswered points makes me mad, too.

• Whoa, NBC really shook things up with the Sunday Night Football opening! They replaced a pretty, leggy, blonde country singer with a pretty, leggy, blonde country singer to sing the exact same song for SNF? Edgy.

• Michael Floyd had an amazing one-handed catch:

• But that wasn't even the best play of the weekend by an Arizona Cardinal. Tyrann Mathieu put on the burners to catch up and prevent this touchdown with a strip:

Honey Badger don't care how far ahead of him you are.

• The Sunday Night Football game really was a win-win for me. No matter who wins, either Eli Manning or Tony Romo loses!
• The Cowboys had 12 take-aways all last season and three in the first 6:10 of the season -- six takeaways total in the first game.
• Don’t let those numbers fool you into thinking that the Cowboys played well, though -- heavens no! Dallas converted their first three takeaways into a whopping three points.

"Yes! A QB threw 3 INTs - and it wasn't me!"

• Yes, yes, the Philadelphia Eagles' fast-paced offense looked good, but can we give them more than one half of a football game before we declare them "unstoppable"??

• Between Joseph Fauria and Joique Bell, Detroit wins the week for best touchdown dances:

FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL!

It's been quite an offseason. Joe Flacco made a mockery of the NFL, the world, truth, and justice by signing a $126 million extension, making him the highest-paid QB in the NFL (briefly); Charles Woodson is back home in Oakland, and I'm happy for him, except for the fact that he's on the worst team in the universe; Aaron Hernandez (allegedly) shot four people before it came to the attention of the world that he's a homicidal sociopath; Elvis Dumervil and the Broncos parted ways, even though both parties wanted to  stay together, due to a bizarre issue surrounding a fax machine; Greg Jennings wouldn't shut up about how difficult it was to have to play with the best quarterback in the league; and Tim Tebow is back to being unemployed.

"Look, I'm just as confused as you are all."

In fact, too much has happened these past few months to really delve into it all, so we'll just focus on what is most pertinent to the greatest team in the history of existence – the Green Bay Packers!

• Sooooooooo, a 21-year-old rookie is protecting Aaron Rodgers' blindside. And he has to make his debut against one of the best defensive lines in the NFL. Yep. Let's move on.

• I understand that hamstring injuries are common, but it sure seems as if the Packers have been cursed by the hammy gods – Casey Hayward (twice), Clay Matthews, Morgan Burnett, Brad Jones, and Eddie Lacy are just some of the players who have missed time this offseason with hamstring injuries.

Maybe Casey should have chosen a bigger bike.

• I'm sick of Niners' head coach Jim Harbaugh and his pleated khakis. As if Clay Matthews is the first person to point out that the best way to keep a quarterback in the pocket is to make him pay for leaving it. Harbaugh had to go and whine that the Packers were being meanies. After the league clarified that everything Matthews said was correct and legal, Harbaugh crossed his arms, stomped his foot, and said the rules are "flawed" and "biased."  Oh, okay, Jim, so you think that your quarterback should be able to lead an offense that hinges on his ability to run the ball and the other team shouldn't be allowed to hit him? Sounds fair.

Seriously - look at those pants!

• Stop, Greg Jennings. Just stop talking.You had it perfect. You were one of a very, very few NFL players that could leave a beloved organization on less-than-perfect terms, go to the team's most bitter rival, and still remain in the good graces of your former team's fans. And then you started talking. For absolutely no reason! The only pro is that you got to have your little tantrum and air your personal grievances in public. The downside is that every Green Bay fan hates you now (seriously, a Minnesota Viking vs. our starting quarterback who happens to be the best player in the league? Yeah, you're going to lose that every time), your new boss had to tell publicly you to be quiet, you look like a huge diva, and now the Packers want to destroy you and your team when they see you twice this year. Well played, Greg.

That's your QB, Greg, so the Packers clearly get the last laugh here.

• None of what happens in the offseason really matters anyhow, because now it's time for real FOOTBALL!!!! And let's be honest, it's not just the football we all missed; it's a lot of this, too:

Hey, Jordy. Hey, Randall.

Odds and Endzones in on hiatus, but don't you fret! You can get all your unashamedly-biased Green Bay Packers news by following this link.

I'm Not Panicking. I'M NOT PANICKING!

• The first half looked exactly as I expected it would. The second half … I have no idea what happened. The Packers didn’t look focused or sharp or awake for almost the entire second half.

• The Packers adjusted poorly to the unfortunate injuries they suffered to Cedric Benson, B.J. Raji, and Jermichael Finley. 

• Benson was having a great first quarter before he went down, and the Packers couldn’t find any sort of semblance of a running game in the second half. Alex Green had one good run, but struggled other than that. Isn’t that a perfect time to try the screen game? Isn’t that time to put Randall Cobb in the backfield? When the Packers are completely lacking a running game, they need to at least mimic one. They need to at least try to pretend that they are going to run. They need to force the defense to consider the possibility of a run/screen/shovel pass/whatever. Even when Rodgers wasn’t getting pressure, he had no one to throw it to. Indianapolis didn’t have to keep any extra defenders on the line because everyone in the world knew that the Packers were going to throw. The Packers need to figure out something between Alex Green/James Starks/Randall Cobb since Benson is out for at least eight weeks, and possibly the season.

• Jermichael Finley, although frustrating beyond belief and the NFL leader in dropped passes the past two years (there has never been a less surprising NFL stat), does draw attention from the defense. With Greg Jennings already out, the Colts were easily able to double Jordy and give extra defenders to James Jones and Randall Cobb. You don’t exactly need to put a safety over D.J. Williams. I don’t quite get why Donald Driver didn’t see more playing time. Yes, he’s old and not as good as he thinks he is, but he’s still a solid receiver and the Packers re-signed him for a reason, so why not play him?

• B.J. Raji is an awesome and very big man who can clog up the middle. With him out, the Packers weren’t able to get a lot of inside pressure, which made any outside pass rush less effective since Andrew Luck could just step up into the pocket or run like he’s Cam Newton. I really hope Raji isn’t out for long.

• I don’t understand how the Packers don’t allow any sacks for 6 quarters of football and then give up 5 in the second half on Sunday. Granted, Aaron Rodgers looked like he had superglue on his hands for several of them, but I just can’t figure out if the offensive line is really good or absolutely terrible. Rodgers needs to come to terms with the fact that sometimes you have to throw the ball away - even if it is third down, even if you’re sure something will open up in just a second. It’s not fair to the offensive line to ask them to block for eight, nine, ten seconds.

• Speaking of third down, the Packers are really bad at third downs, both offensively and defensively. They were only 4 of 13 on converting third downs on Sunday. Their stats on stopping third down conversions weren’t and haven’t been really awful, but it sure feels that whenever the opponent needs a huge, crucial third down conversion, the Packer defense graciously rolls out the red carpet.

"Right this way, sir."

• The defense has to be exhausted being on the field that long, especially since the offense couldn’t give them much of a rest.

• Reggie Wayne is good. He’s no spring chicken and should have slowed down, but the Packers defense just wouldn’t let him. He had a career-high 212 yards on Sunday. How? Yes, some of his catches were incredible, but where were the defenders? Whom exactly were the Packers defense covering? Donnie Avery? LaVon Brazil?? Nathan Palmer??? THE COLTS DON’T HAVE ANYONE ELSE! How is Reggie Wayne not blanketed every single play? 

But c'mon, this catch is just ridiculous.

•  Even Mason Crosby had a bad game, going 0-for-2 on field goals. And it was in a dome!

• Here’s another depressing statistic the announcers dropped: the Packers are the only team in the league that has not yet scored on their first possession this season. Really? Oakland, Miami, Kansas City have had more first possession success than Green Bay? Even Jacksonville?? Cleveland???

And yet, the Browns have scored on a first possession

• I’m going to choose to ignore the second half and focus more on the first half, just for my mental and emotional health. There was some good stuff. Erik Walden and Sam Shields had strong games for the defense. The offense was crazy efficient. The Colts actually had more yards in the first half than the Packers, but trailed 21-3.

• I thought it was kind of mean for the Packers to tease us with that sharp, fourth-quarter touchdown drive. My nerves were calmed and I told myself, “This is the real Packers team. They’ve got it covered. They were just messing with us this entire second half.” But then the defense stepped onto the field.

"I was just getting your hopes up so we could crush them on the next drive."

• Good job by rookie Casey Heyward on grabbing the Packers’ only interception. Though I do have to ask - WHY IS A ROOKIE COVERING REGGIE WAYNE? How and why did this happen??

• What did Sam Shields ever do to the referees? How come he not only cannot get an offensive pass interference call when opposing receivers shove him in the back with two hands, but he gets called for defensive pass interference?? Did he tick off the football gods? Or worse, Roger Goodell?

Geez, Sam, get off of him.

• Also, I totally disagree with the roughing the passer penalty that Nick Perry was flagged for on his beautiful sack of Andrew Luck. He did not launch or lead with the crown of his helmet (the "G" on his helmet is upright) and it should not have been whistled. I will add one sack and one fumble to the imaginary, fair Packers statistics I keep in my head.

Beautiful, legal hit.

• Michael Vick has lost five fumbles already this season, including one against the Steelers on the goal line, but he doesn’t think he has a problem with fumbles. Said the quarterback, “Everything happens for a reason and if it was meant to be, I wouldn’t have fumbled the ball at the goal line.” I won’t even mention his failure to use the correct subjunctive tense, but how can a professional athlete say this? What does this mean? You could say, “It was meant to be,” or you could say, “Oops, I made a huge mistake that cost my team.” I’m going to use this line whenever I mess up on anything, ever.

"Eh. I won't go after it. It's meant to be."

• Wow, New Orleans got some home cookin’ on that final drive of the Sunday Night game. The Chargers were called for offensive pass interference on Antonio Gates (so the league does know that you are allowed to call offensive pass interference, just not when it’s against Sam Shields? Got it.) that was just atrocious and undid a huge gain by San Diego. The Chargers came back the next play with another huge pass that was, again, undone by a terrible holding call on the center.

Will you stop complaining about everything now??

• Ummm, guess not. Roger Goodell has reissued the suspensions for the Saints players that had previously been put on hold.

• Kansas City Chief fans cheered when their own quarterback Matt Cassel got injured. Offensive linemen Eric Winston had some choice words for the fans, saying it was “sickening” and that he was “embarrassed.” Even Philadelphia fans were shaking their heads and saying, “Geez, that’s mean.”

"Show some class, Kansas City!!"

• I really do not like the moving headshots that they use on Sunday Night Football. They creep me out. A headshot with corresponding statistics will pop out and I’m trying to read the information, when I see a picture moving in my periphery. It’s weird. How does seeing Drew Brees’ picture blink aid my football watching experience?

• Well, the Redskins did cut Billy Cundiff, after all. Rough year, Billy, rough year. While other kickers work on their 50+ yard kicks, maybe you should just fine-tune your 30-35 yard range kicks.

• The Rams won big on Thursday to hand Arizona its first loss of the season, but suffered a blow themselves when receiver Danny Amendola went out with what appeared to be a broken collarbone. As it turned out, he dislocated his clavicle, which could have been life-threatening. Poor Amendola missed almost the entire season last year when he dislocated his elbow in the season opener, and early reports suggest he’ll miss at least six weeks with this latest injury. As you can see, as we was being led back to the locker room, he was pretty upset about the injury.

• (The very clever title of this youtube video is "Danny Amendola reacts to racist Wes Welker comparisons.")

• The city of Washington DC broke a record for most people throwing their hands up in unison and saying, “I knew this would happen!” when Robert Griffin III got knocked out with a concussion while on the run.

This is what happens when you play for the Redskins.

• The 49ers have won their last two games by a combined score of 79-3.

• The Jets lost, but played well against a talented Texans team on Monday night after getting shut out and destroyed by San Francisco last week. The game was entertaining, but I was distracted by my stomach-churning fear at the thought of next week’s Packers-Texans game.

Have faith.