Packers Score First in New Vikings Stadium

• Whatever, Minnesota can have silly opener win in their stupid, ugly new stadium. Don’t even care. At least Jordy had the first ever touchdown in the stadium. He’ll always have that.

• Minnesota pulled out the win 17-14, managing to keep the ball out of Aaron Rodgers’ hands at the end, so there was no chance for a Hail Mary. I’m not sure how likely it would have been; Green Bay struggled mightily in the passing game, averaging just 4.4 yards per pass (yuck) to Minnesota’s 7.3.

• Okay, so it turns out I was pretty much wrong about everything. I was most concerned about Green Bay’s run defense and felt fairly confident in their secondary and their offense. As it turns out, the run defense was pretty good, holding Minnesota to 30 yards on 22 carries! Meanwhile, the Packers offense, even with Nelson back on the field, looks worryingly similar to last year. They really need a third receiver and/or tight end to step up.

Someone please help them!

• That receiver will not be Davante Adams, apparently. I’m so done with him (still). Is he really the best third option? Really? Adams fumbled his first reception of the night, and I knew he was going to fumble that as soon as he tried to make a move. Thank God for Randall Cobb, coming up big with the forced fumble. Way to fight for that, Green Eyes.

• Minnesota’s secondary was struggling quite a bit, which should have meant a big night for the Green Bay passing game. Should have. Two weeks in, the Packers’ offense seems to be heavily reliant on penalties. It seems to be the only way they can move the ball.

• With five minutes left in the fourth quarter, down 10-7, Green Bay elected to go for it on 4th & 2 on the Minnesota 14. I absolutely love the call! Especially from Mike McCarthy, who has never met a fourth down he didn’t want to punt away. I was so glad -- until I saw James Starks in the backfield. Honestly, can someone tell me why you even bother having Eddie Lacy on your roster if you’re not using him on fourth-and-short? That’s everything he’s designed for!

You don't earn the nickname "The Hulk" to ride the bench in short yardage situations.

• While we’re on the question, why have James Starks on your roster at all?

• It can be difficult to determine if the quarterback or receiver’s at fault on an incompletion, but Rodgers sure looked off. A lot of overthrows, it seemed. Fans are just not used to seeing him miss throws that frequently. Plus, his Spidey-sense didn’t seem to be going off against the pressure -- he fumbled three times on Sunday night! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF MY QUARTERBACK ISN’T PERFECT.

Neither does Mike McCarthy, apparently.

• Speaking of fumbles, how bad are the Vikings at recovering fumbles? In their defense, a lot of luck is involved in recovering fumbles, but of the six fumbles, Minnesota only recovered two, one of which they immediately fumbled back to Green Bay. 

• The Packers defense really missed Sam Shields, who was out with a concussion. Maybe he could have done something -- anything -- to stop Stefon Diggs, who had nine receptions for 182 yards and a touchdown. That’s two more yards than the Packers’ passing offense.

• The only thing Diggs wasn’t ready for was his moment in the spotlight after the game.

• Diggs helped the newly-minted Vikings quarterback Sam Bradford have one of the best games of his career: 71% completion rate, 286 yards, two touchdowns, and a 121.2 passer rating. I still don’t know what to think about Bradford, though. I never know what to think of him. I almost never have to think him because he’s been injured, like, 50% of his career.

• Already down Shields, the Green Bay defense had a string of injuries: they lost Letroy Guion to a sprained MCL, Morgan Burnett to a hamstring injury (whaaa?!?), and Clay Matthews to an unspecified injury. Ruh roh. 

• The biggest injury news of the game was Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, who was unable to leave the field under his own power after tearing his meniscus. (Get better soon, AD!) Grossest-looking injury goes to Sam Bradford, who banged his non-throwing hand on a defender’s helmet. It looks like a watermark!

• Our new punter has not been exactly knocking it out of the park. It felt like the Packers were getting absolutely killed on field position. Minnesota downed five of seven punts inside the 20. The Packers did the same on just one of five. Tim Masthay’s still available, right?

"Just waiting, guys. Kept my uniform and everything."

• The Vikings acquired offensive guard Alex Boone in the offseason, and, boy, he sure knows how to sweet talk his new team’s fans. Regarding the crowd noise in the new stadium, Boone remarked, “We could barely hear the snap count today a couple times -- a couple false starts, because guys wouldn't know when the snap was going. I'm not saying it's the fans' fault, but I'm just saying it would be nice if they would shut the f--- up a little bit."  So glad you’re here, Alex!

• At least the Chicago Bears are in the basement of the NFC North, so not everything's backward. I am truly sorry that Jay Cutler got hurt, though. I hope he recovers fast.

• The Cleveland Browns’ luck is just … so … Cleveland Browns-y. After losing Robert Griffin III in his first game as a Brown last week, backup-then-starter-then-backup-now-starter Josh McCown suffered a shoulder injury. When Cleveland starts rookie Cody Kessler next week, they will be starting their fifth quarterback in their last five games.

• I promised you updates on Calvin Johnson performing on Dancing with the Stars. I love him! And he’s so sweet!

• No one needed another reason to dislike Tom Brady, but then it comes out that the man has never eaten a strawberry in his life. That means he’s never had a chocolate-covered strawberry. Or strawberry shortcake. Or strawberry jam. What kind of barbarian hasn’t had a strawberry? But then, THEN, Brady doubles-down and gets all defiant, saying he has “no desire” to try a strawberry.

Oh shut up, Tom. Just stop cheating and eat a strawberry.

• Speaking of the New England Patriots, things went from thin to thinner at quarterback. Handsome Jim suffered a shoulder injury in the first half after leading the Pats to a 24-0 lead over the pitiful Miami Dolphins. In stepped rookie third-stringer Jacoby Brissett. The Pats held off a Miami comeback behind Brissett, but now they’re facing a Thursday night game against the Houston Texans (eek) with one available quarterback.

• I want to write a weekly NFL Winners & Losers column that's literally just a list of which teams won and which teams lost.

• This has got to be a terrible feeling for a quarterback: the snap goes over your head, it’s bouncing around and you’re trying to chase it down, and the whole time,  you know that JJ Watt is probably about .002 seconds from destroying you.

• Brock Osweiler looks like the bland boyfriend/fiance of the heroine at the start of a movie whom we all know she’s not going to end up with.

Spoiler alert: she's going to end up with her best
friend, whom she never noticed before now.

• The Detroit Lions lost to the Tennessee Titans, 16-15, and they don’t have to look far for the reasons. The Lions racked up 17 penalties, 138 yards’ worth, including THREE touchdowns that were called back. Man, it must be tough to be a Lions fan. After years of embarrassing seasons, they finally get a super talented team that always looks to be on the cusp, but is always characterized by sloppiness, recklessness, and a lack of discipline that keeps them from ever getting to the top.

Oh and their best player in decades decided to retire early,
just like their last franchise player.

• The good news for the New York Giants is that the got the win over the New Orleans Saints, 16-13. The really distasteful part is that their kicker/wife-beater Josh Brown was the one to score the winning field goal.

"Why, yes, of course I remember the Ray Rice disaster. Why do you ask?"

• Greg Olsen is such a great weapon for Cam Newton. It always amazes me how the Chicago Bears traded him away. 

• Phil Simms was in midseason form on Sunday, and I highly recommend you read the Phil Simms Quote newsfeed from this weekend.

• If you wear this hat and neither tap dance nor sing a few barbershop standards with three other guys, you’re letting everyone down, Cam.

• The Los Angeles Rams got their first win, which I don’t care about, but it was over the Seattle Seahawks, which I definitely care about. =)

• Poor, cheating Seahawks coach Pete Carroll had a meltdown.

• Guess which quarterback has the longest active streak of games with a touchdown? No, no, just guess. C’mon. Fine -- Blaine Gabbert! I would have guessed at least 22 quarterbacks before I guessed Blaine.

• Ugh I hate the Oakland Raiders’ field! It always looks like they’re playing at the nearest local park they could find that was available.

"Okay guys, we have to be off the field by 5; there's a Little
League tournament tonight."

• A reporter asked Pittsburgh Steelers running back DeAngelo Williams a question that began with how Williams is more than just an insurance policy for the Steelers while starter Le'Veon Bell is out. Williams objected: “No! I am an insurance policy. I'm driving the car till L-Bell gets back. I'm trying to keep us in good position till he gets back. That's good with me. When I came here, I came here to win a Super Bowl. That's the only thing I care about.” Gotta love a teammate with that sort of humility.

• Jordy Nelson now has his own cereal, Jordy’s Farm Fresh Flakes. All my Wisconsin peeps, go out and buy ALL of these for me! Do I like cereal? No. Do I eat breakfast? No. Does it sound like a box of hay? Yes. Does any of that matter? No.

•  Next week, the Packers finally get to play at Lambeau. Bring on the Lions!

Jordy's Back, the Packers Won, and All Is Right in the World

• Green Bay Packers football is finally back and so is Jordy Nelson!! Jordy played his first real game in over a year and a half and you know he put some points up on the board, scoring his 50th career touchdown.

• The Pack defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars 27-23 in a closer-than-it-felt game. Though it seemed as though Green Bay had control throughout the game (maybe that’s just me?? Aaron Rodgers didn’t agree), Jacksonville had a good shot at the win before the Packers defense held them on fourth down with 14 seconds left. It was a great stand by the D, but I kinda felt that it wouldn’t have been necessary if they had maybe defended better the rest of the game. The Packers gave up 320 passing yards to Blake Bortles. Granted, the Jaguars have some great receivers in the Allens (Hurns and Robinson), but 320 is a lot of yards. And while they came through in the clutch stopping the final fourth down attempt, Green Bay gave up three fourth down conversions in the game.

• The first touchdown of the season went to Mr. Aaron Rodgers who had ran one in to go with his two throwing touchdowns. One of those passing TDs was this crazy impressive throw to Davante Adams. Only Rodgers could get the ball into that small of a window while having a defender pulling on his jersey like that. Bee-yootiful. Watch it from every angle.

• After Eddie Lacy’s weight was discussed ad nauseum the entire offseason, I’ll just say that Eddie looked good, fast, and tough. Glad to have the old Eddie back.  

• Sam Shields suffered a concussion in the game, which is really, really scary. Shields has had concussion issues in his past, and last season suffered a concussion that caused him to black out on the field and left painful headaches lingering, which kept him out for four games. It seems that there’s definitely a cumulative effect of concussions, so here’s hoping Shields is okay.

• Speaking of Shields, how adorbs is it that he had all his defensive teammates sign his cleats? It started out as a joke, Shields said, but “this is who I’m playing for.”

• The interior defense looked more of the same that we’ve seen over the past few seasons as general manager Ted Thompson seems unwilling to spend any money on inside linebacker (let’s just draft another late-round, unathletic white guy instead!) and it shows. I’m trying really hard to give Jake Ryan a chance, but it’s hard for me not to make snarky A.J. Hawk comparisons. Losing Mike Pennel to a four-game substance abuse suspension is also hurting in the middle of the defensive line. =/

We miss Pennel's size. And creative eye black art.

• Punters never get any love, so I’ll take some space to say the Jacksonville Jaguars punter was absolutely killing Green Bay. He had at least two punts downed inside the five. (I’m not going to give him enough love to, say, actually look up his name.)

• Jacksonville Jaguars offensive coordinator Greg Olsen is the man I would cast as the disreputable car guy in a heist movie whom the team has to hire even though they don’t trust him because he’s the “best in the business.”

But will he betray them??

• I was concerned about how the offensive line would perform in their first game without Josh Sitton, but they looked pretty solid and only gave up one sack.

• Jacksonville cornerback Davon House used to play for the Packers, and I love him. I follow his blog -- he’s a pretty good writer! -- and always cheer for him to do well. His answer to a reporter’s question on facing his old team is why:

“I don't know if people are thinking, 'I hate Green Bay and I have to go out and kill them.' No. To me, that's dumb. This is the team that drafted me. To me, I'm excited to show them how much better I've gotten being a full-time starter ... I'm excited about that, but there's no bad blood.”

I'm excited, too, Davon!

• I’m pretty sure I’ve discussed this before, but the Jaguars helmets are super cool. They’re half-matte, half-shiny. Though not everyone thinks they're as cutting edge as I do.

• Check out this insane Allen Robinson catch! I want to say that it's just dumb luck, but you can see Robinson's impressive presence of mind to locate the ball in mid-air while he's being tackled.

• Blake Bortles, the Jacksonville QB, says he is 24 years old. Look at this picture and tell me if you really believe that.

Also, Blake is actually his middle name, so if he's lying about
his real name, what else might he be lying about?

• Fantastic Week 1! Of the 16 games played, 11 were one-score games!

• One such game was the New Orleans Saints vs. Oakland Raiders. 32 points were scored in the fourth quarter!! The Raiders were down seven with six minutes left in the game when they began a methodical game-tying drive. Except that it wasn’t game-tying. Oakland scored a touchdown and, instead of kicking the extra point to tie the game, decided to go for two!!! Now, I personally don’t like that call, but Oakland fans have to love the gutsiness: first game of the season, on the road, close game, haven’t led since the first quarter, and playing against one of the best quarterbacks in the league. The Raiders converted the two-point try for a one-point lead. There were 47 seconds left on the clock. New Orleans made a darn good march down the field, considering the circumstances, and were left at the end facing a 61-yard field goal with an undrafted rookie kicker, who gave a good try, but just missed the field goal.

I would just assume head coaches are really busy immediately after
games, but the Raiders HC found some time to throw some shade at math.

• Raiders rookie running back Jalen Richard scored a touchdown on his first NFL carry! It was a pretty one, too:

• Houston Texans vs Chicago Bears is great because it combines two of my favorite things: Jay Cutler getting sacked and JJ Watt.

Unfortunately, none of the five sacks on Cutler came directly from JJ, but I'm a
glass-half-full girl, so I just appreciate that there were five sacks.

• The Atlanta Falcons are not bothering to get their fans’ hopes up this year; they’re skipping right to the letting down part.

• Speaking of teams you should never trust, the San Diego Charger had a huge meltdown on Sunday against the Kansas City Chiefs. The Chargers were up 21-3 at halftime and somehow lost! The Chiefs outscored the Chargers 24-6 in the second half to send the game to overtime, eventually winning on an Alex Smith rushing touchdown.

That's how your fans feel, too, Philip.

• Well, well, color me surprised. A (former) Packers player with a hamstring injury.You don’t say? Teams should be wary of any player they get from Green Bay. There’s about a 50% chance they will constantly have a hamstring injury. It’s like manufacturer’s warning.

• The Detroit Lions looked pretty good in their first game of the P.M. (Post-Megatron) Era. I have a weird soft spot for Matthew Stafford, so I was a little happy, but I have an even softer spot for Andrew Luck and the Lions are division rivals, so I was more sad than happy when the Lions squeaked out a win over the Indianapolis Colts in the final seconds. Stafford completed 79% of his passes for 340 yards, three touchdowns, no interceptions and a 128.6 passer rating.

• With four minutes left, Detroit scored to take the lead, but kicker Matt Prater missed the extra point! Indianapolis, down only six, advanced downfield, looking to be in total control. Luck hit tight end Jack Doyle for the touchdown and the Colts led 35-34. Unfortunately, Indy stopped the clock too much on their last drive, so there were still 37 seconds left. Detroit, full armed with all their timeouts, had consecutive plays of 19, 9, and 22 yards, and just like that, were facing a 43-yard field goal by Prater, who had missed the extra point on the previous drive and was the reason the Lions were looking at a loss instead of overtime. Prater, though, redeemed himself with the field goal and the Lions start their season 1-0.

And people said you wouldn't
survive without Calvin.

• With the win, Stafford has the most fourth-quarter comebacks since 2011. (The guy he’s tied with? Tony “He’s Not Clutch” Romo.) The main reason for my soft spot for Stafford is I think he’s a capital-E Elite quarterback, and whenever he does well, he proves me right.

He looks worse in a suit.

• Charles Woodson made his ESPN debut on Monday Night, wearing an ascot, no less. Wonder how he gets away with it? He’s Charles Freaking Woodson; he’ll wear an ascot if he damn well pleases, and you’ll like it.

(Not of fan of the sneakers-with-a-suit thing though. Grrr. Pet peeve of mine.)

• Poor Terrance Williams! The Dallas Cowboys wide receiver failed to get out of bounds as the Cowboys were trying a desperate last-second comeback attempt. As a result the clock ran out before Dallas could spike the ball and the New York Giants won 20-19.

• Now, the Cowboys were still on their own 46 yardline and didn’t have any timeouts, so even if they stop the clock, I don’t think they had much of a chance at the victory, but come on, Terrance! The sideline was right there! You even had Dez directing you exactly where to go!

• But Williams was so sad after the game, I don’t have the heart to pile on him. Dak Prescott, making his debut as Dallas’ quarterback, handled the post-game presser very well: "The guy was trying to make a play. You never want to knock a guy trying to make a play."

Prescott was kinder than owner Jerry Jones, who chimed in
with a helpful, "He was coached to get out [of bounds]." Thanks, boss.

• I find the New York Giants’ Odell Beckham Jr and the Dallas Cowboys’ Dez Bryant playing around pre-game really charming. They’re just like real humans!

• The Minnesota Vikings traded away their 2017 first-round pick (!) for Sam Bradford (!!), but it was Shaun Hill who quarterbacked the team on Sundays. I say  “quarterbacked” because he showed up and played quarterback, but didn’t really contribute anything to the Vikings’ 25-16 victory over the Tennessee Titans, nor did any of the offense: 0-for-3 in the redzone, no passing touchdowns, no rushing touchdowns. The defense carried the day, scoring two touchdowns, and kicker Blair Walsh contributed four field goals (and one missed point after touchdown).

• Will Fuller, of whom I was a big fan in college, had a great first career game, catching five receptions for 107 yards and one touchdown.

Yay, Will! Now please do
something about your hair.

• [Journalism side rant: This is the worst article I've ever seen. It starts in media res, and the first two sentences of second paragraph are talking about a entirely different team than the two who played in the game that, ya know, the article's supposed to be describing. That same paragraph features an unattributed quote that is also lacking a clear subject. The third paragraph opens by referencing a play that has not yet been mentioned. Then there's another unattributed quote. In paragraph four, the author says that the Bears won the game. Another unattributed quote. Paragraph five talks about Chris Clark replacing Alshon Jeffrey, which is sure to come as a surprise to both, since one plays for the Texans and the other plays for the Bears. Paragraph six has your run-of-the-mill unattributed quote. Paragraph seven pleads with the audience to help write the article. Paragraphs eight and nine time travel to before the game occurred. Paragraph 10 is just a random quote -- with attribution! -- but, alas, not correctly attributed. Paragraph 11 finally mentions the subject of the article title for one sentence. In paragraph 12, a slimmer of coherence breaks through as it is actually factually accurate for one entire sentence. The 13th and final paragraph reverts back to the time before the game was played. No way the "author" isn't a bot, right? Fin.]

• Pittsburgh Steelers rookie wide receiver got the first touchdown of his career just by being alert. Stay ready.

• Speaking of Steelers wide receivers, I. Love. Watching. Antonio. Brown.

• I didn’t need another reason to like Troy Aikman, but if I did, here’s his view on his network hiring Skip Bayless:

• The obsession with stats is getting ridiculous. I saw this one pop up in Thursday's game: the Denver Broncos became the first defending Super Bowl champions to win their season opener after being down 8+ points. That's not impressive or interesting in the least! I feel bad for the poor unpaid intern who spent hours sifting through database after database to find a statistic that literally no one cares about.

• It’s only one game, but it’s got to be really disheartening for the Carolina Panthers to open up their season by missing a last-minute field goal to lose to the team that beat them in the Super Bowl, who are now quarterbacked by a guy who has never thrown an NFL pass before.

• Maybe this is only funny if all your friends on social media are parents and post “first day of school” pictures that have comprised 90% of your newsfeed the last month, but DeAngelo Williams’ “First Day of the Regular Season” picture made me giggle.

• Two Monday Night Football games this week? Come on, I know that I should be cheering more football, but not football that starts after my bedtime! MNF is a lot of fun, “playing under the lights” and all, but it’s exhausting after watching 10 hours of football the day before -- I can’t do seven more! Some of us have lives, you know. (Not me, but some of us.) So I’m sorry if anything happened in the San Francisco - St. Louis (fine, Los Angeles) game last night, but I'm not going to know about it.

• Jimmy Garoppolo looks like a 1940s gangster. Put him in a zoot suit and fedora. He’d be called Handsome Jim.

I know, I know, I really wanted to make this a fancy
photoshop job, too, but my skills are limited to Paint.

• Also, Garoppolo won his first NFL game, leading the short-staffed New England Patriots over the Arizona Cardinals in Tom Brady’s justly deserved absence. Arizona was a missed field goal away from the victory, but were expected to win rather handily.

The bright side for Arizona is that Larry Fitzgerald scored his 100th
career touchdown. Congrats, Fitz!

• Man, the RGIII Comeback is really struggling to take off the ground. Griffin has not played in a game since December 2014, and now, in his first start with his new team, the Cleveland Browns, he suffered fractured bone in his left shoulder (ow). Griffin has been placed on IR, but could be designated to return. I kind of feel like Griffin and Cleveland are a good match for each other, but only in a really depressing way.

• Get ready for the Packers to manhandle the Minnesota Vikings Sunday night!!

2016 Offseason Edition

The Dream Team's back together!!

• This was just going to be a light-hearted offseason recap, but then the Green Bay Packers went and released Josh Sitton!! He’s been a stalwart left guard for the Packers, their strongest lineman, their most consistent, their most durable, and has been considered one of the best guards in the league! Why, Ted Thompson, why?? No one saw this coming! And no matter what they say, the Pack can’t feel great about replacing a Pro Bowler with Lane Taylor (who always makes me think of a women’s clothing store). It sounds like Sitton wanted a contract extension, and the Packers had too many concerns about his health (he’s struggled with back injuries) and his cost.

Also, I feel bad for all his o-linemen friends. That chemistry
is really important in an offensive line!

• I really want to wish Sitton well, but then he went and signed with the CHICAGO BEARS!!! I can’t blame Sitton for taking a 3-year, $21.75 million contract ($10 million guaranteed) with a chance to play his old team twice a year, but now I can’t say, “Best of luck, Josh!” because him playing well means fewer Jay Cutler sacks, and you know I can’t cheer for that.

• While we’re getting out all of our sad news, the Packers also released punter Tim Masthay. I’m not sure if this is a move they’ll regret or not -- former Tampa Bay Buccaneers punter Jacob Schum, newly signed, has looked good in preseason -- but I’m sad for Masthay, who hoped to play his entire career in Green Bay and seems like such a nice guy! For example, here’s what Masthay had to say about his replacement: “I hope Jake plays fantastic [in his first preseason game with Green Bay], and I hope he goes on to have a fantastic career here. I wish all the best for him, and I hope he has a great experience with the organization.” Awww, I’ll miss you, Ginger Wolverine!

Also, I feel bad for his bff Mason Crosby. =(

• I’ll keep the hits coming: backup QB Scott Tolzien left in free agency. I guess all my #ActivateTolzien hashtags will now belong to the Indianapolis Colts.

• Oh yeah, and B.J. RAJI RETIRED!!! It came as a huge surprise that the 29-year-old defensive lineman walked away after deciding his heart just wasn’t in it.

We'll miss you, B.J.!

• The Packers cut someone named Alstevis Squirewell, which I think was a mistake, because how often are you going to have the chance to put “Alstevis Squirewell” on your roster?

• Casey Hayward was a victim of Green Bay’s stacked cornerback position and so left the Pack in free agency, signing with the San Diego Chargers. You got a great cornerback, San Diego -- maybe he’ll actually get the playing time he deserves there.

• Megatron retiring is old news by now, but here’s a cool link to an interview with three NFC cornerbacks who had to play against Calvin Johnson. Also, Calvin is going to be on Dancing with the Stars this season. I’ll keep you updated on that as necessary.

• I really don’t particularly care about Peyton Manning, but it makes me really sad that he turned down a one-day contract with the Colts to retire as a Denver Bronco. I get that he had his triumphant comeback and sunset Super Bowl with the Broncos, but he played 14 seasons with Indianapolis! Poor Colts fans.

• Skip Bayless, of blowhard notoriety, mercifully has left ESPN’s First Take, so we’ll at least be spared the incoherence and banality of Bayless and Stephen A. Smith shouting nonsensical words at the same time. In honor of Skip, who has the unique talent of always being wrong while simultaneously insisting that he is absolutely 100% right, here are his 10 dumbest tweets.

It was really difficult to choose which of these to screenshot.
So many idiotic tweets to choose from.

• I make fun of the monstrosity that is JerryWorld often, but the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium was put to good use this offseason, hosting 100 underprivileged kids for a giant sleepover on the field. Each kid got his own personalized bed, decked out with Cowboys gear, and the beds were delivered to the kids’ homes next day, courtesy of the sponsor. Pretty cool, Cowboys.

• Umm speaking of the Cowboys … I had a lot of slightly unkind jokes primed for the start of the season, most of them involving Tony Romo and his frail back. Now that Romo is actually out for the first 6-10 weeks with a broken bone in his back, I will skip the jokes because I feel bad.

"Please, coach! I'm in so much pain! Please don't make me play!"
"Muhahahahaha!" 

• I half expected a patented Jerry Jones, “We expect Tony to start Week 1, unless the doctors discover that he’s a big sissy” statement, but it looks like we’ll have to wait until Week 4 or 5 for that.

Yep, there it is.

• At least Dak Prescott is not Kellan Moore … or Brandon Weeden … or Matt Cassel…

The bad news is that Mark Sanchez is still Mark Sanchez.

• I’m also very sad for Teddy Bridgewater, the Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback who destroyed his knee in practice last week and is out for the entire season.

Get better soon, Teddy!

• The Vikings gave up a first-round pick, along with a conditional fourth-rounder, to acquire Sam Bradford from the Philadelphia Eagles to replace Bridgewater. This is very interesting. On the one hand they gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to their current backup, Shaun Hill!

• On the same hand, the Vikes gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to the recently released Mark Sanchez, for whom the Cowboys gave up nothing.

• On the other hand, Minnesota has a crazy good defense, an aging Adrian Peterson, and had a great shot at a deep playoff run. Many have them as their sleeper pick even. As much as I like Shaun Hill -- and I actually like him a lot -- it seems like a stretch to envision him leading a team to a Super Bowl, so I understand Minnesota’s urgency. What I don’t understand is Minnesota’s long-term plan. What happens next season? The Vikings have taken on Bradford onerous contract which, I believe, is guaranteed through the 2017 season. What will they do next offseason when (if?) Bridgewater is ready to return? Is this a sign that Bridgewater’s injury is so severe that they’re looking beyond 2016? Or are they just desperate not to waste this talented roster?

• Have we talked about how darn endearing Andrew Luck is? The guy runs his own book club, with selections for both children and adults, and he still uses a flip phone. The multi-, multi-, multi-millionaire finally upgraded his phone this summer and got a … new flip phone. God bless Andrew Luck.

• Uuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh that awful Mike Pereira wrote his own book, After Further Review. Blech. Real clever title there, Mike. I wonder if the actual pages are greasy with his oily smugness. I  might have to buy this book just so I can give it a scathing Amazon review.

"It's so weird how this book I put next to Troy
Aikman is, like, right there next to Troy Aikman."

• I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but I haven’t wanted to say anything in the hopes that he’d change it, but Julius Peppers’ hair is not working for him. He looks like he’s trying too hard to look hip. It's the equivalent of a 50-year-old woman wearing chunky platform heels and a mini-skirt.

It's just a little too Roger from Sister, Sister for me.

• Randall Cobb graduated from the University of Kentucky this offseason. Congrats!

He's got looks, he's got brains -- what doesn't Green Eyes have??

• Okay, okay, all of this has just been small talk. We all know what this season’s really about: JORDY NELSON IS BACK!!!!!!! After a long and dark 2015 season in which Jordy never took the field, the dawn has broken upon the world once more.

You have no idea how much we (I) missed you, Jordy.

• The Packers have been cautious with Nelson, to say the least. All year long, he was said to be well ahead of schedule after tearing his ACL last August. He experienced a “hiccup” in his uninjured knee sometime around training camp, but insists it fine. He did not play in any preseason, but says he’s a “full go” to start Week 1.

• In the offseason, Jordy teamed up with Jockey to tell his story of adopting his son and to encourage adoption. Aaaaawwwwwwwww! That’s so adorable! I mean, could he be any more perfect??? (You can imagine my reaction when I first saw this.)

• And here’s Jordy just, ya know, doing some push-ups while his kids play.

• And here he is just hanging out, being a rugged farmer.

• I’M SO GLAD HE’S BACK! (So is Clay.)

• First up: Jacksonville. Don't sleep on the Jaguars!