I Wonder If the Packers Will Ever Win Another Game

• The Green Bay Packers lost to the Washington Redskins 42-24 on Sunday night.

• In other NFL news, the Dallas Cowboys continue to -- oh fine, we can talk about the Packers game, though “game” implies there was some sort of competitive spirit involved. Once again, the Packers came out slow, by which I mean barely with a pulse. They went three-and-out, three-and-out, and three-and-out to start the game. How, I don’t know. If you’ve lost three in a row and your chances at making the playoffs are rapidly dwindling, wouldn’t you come out with some fire? Given our defense, I thought the game was going to be tight, but I would have put money on the Packers offense coming out sharp, given what was at stake. But no, guess not.

THIS GIF WAS MEANT TO BE USED HUMOROUSLY DURING THE GOOD
TIMES, NOT TO DEPICT YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD PLAYING TERRIBLY.

• The poor got poorer, or, in the case of the Green Bay defense, the bad somehow got even worse. Already without top defensive backs Sam Shields and Damarious Randall, the paper-thin secondary also lost Demetri Goodson (to a gruesome looking knee injury -- seriously, don’t click on that unless you’re okay with seeing a man’s knee go 90 degrees in the wrong direction) and, later, his replacement Kentrell Brice. Already without leading tackler Jake Ryan, the never-been-good linebacking corps also lost linebacker Nick Perry (returned) and Blake Martinez.

• Here’s a sad little clip of linebacker Kyle Fackrell (#51) racing onto the field to help “defend” and … well, he doesn’t ever really get the chance.

• The offense was okay in spots. James Starks -- credit where credit is due -- I thought had some nice plays, but didn’t get many opportunities in the second half, what with Green Bay getting the snot beat out of it. 

"Oh gosh, what do we do??"

"I don't know!"

"Should we tackle him?

"Maybe. But maybe we should let him pick up an extra yard or 10 first."

"Good idea."

• And Jared Cook, in his first game back since injuring his ankle in Week 3, played so well -- until. Oh, Jared. The tight end had 105 yards on six catches and provided a spark the Packers sorely needed, and I was so happy for him -- until. It doesn’t really matter, anyway. By the time Cook fumbled the ball, the Packers were down 11 with under four minutes to go, so it was a long shot anyway. But it was a painful nail in the coffin for the Pack. It was disappointing to see Cook’s strong night marred by a turnover, but in his defense, this is a pretty bad-ass move by Josh Norman.

• Yes, Cris Collinsworth, we understand that it is windy. Truly, we believe you.

• The offense, in increasingly typical fashion, kind of loafed about before coming alive for stretches. They put up 424 yards, which is pretty good until you consider that the Redskins put up 515. More damning was the Packers’ 50% success rate (or, as I like to call it, their 50% fail rate) in the redzone. Washington, meanwhile, scored touchdowns on four of their five trips to the redzone, and a field goal on their fifth.

• In the offseason, Kirk Cousins wanted a long-term deal that paid him like a top NFL quarterback. Washington wasn’t so sure that that’s what he was, so they offered him multi-year contract at about $16 million per year. Cousins said, “thanks but no thanks,” and the Redskins signed him under the franchise tag. That means that Cousins is the highest paid quarterback (in base salary) this season at just under $20 million, but he’s got no deal after 2016. As it turns out, betting on himself this year has gone pretty well so far, and on Sunday night, he had just one question for Redskins general manager Scot McCloughan:

• That's a little uncomfortable. But while I do kind of like Cousins because he’s such a odd little goofball, the answer, Kirk, is that I do not like you very much right now.

• In other news, I was shocked but pleased that Packers picked up with former Seahawks running back Christine Michael off of waivers. The Minnesota Vikings also put a claim in, but we have a worse record so we got him. (Hah! Take that, Minnesota!!)

But now that he's ours, we can't tease him about having a girl's name anymore.

• You wanna know something weird? In 2016, NFL kickers have missed just one field goal from 32-33 yards out. But they’ve missed 48 extra points from the same distance.

• If you needed another reason to like Cris Collinsworth (which you don’t), you have it in his Twitter takedown of perma-man-boy Bill Simmons. Simmons, though generally a fan of Collinsworth, occasionally has gone after him in his petty little way. When Simmons posted a condescending tweet about Collinsworth’s commentary last week, good-natured Cris took a shot at Simmons’ erstwhile TV show, which was cancelled due to poor ratings:

Zing! 

• Man, whenever I get down, I just think about the Cleveland Browns. This weekend Ben Roethlisberger won in Cleveland, and he now has as many wins in Cleveland as any Browns quarterback has in the last 17 years. In his career, Roethlisberger has faced 12 different Browns quarterbacks.

• And now their current quarterback, rookie Cody Kessler, just got his second concussion of the season, which puts his season in jeopardy and maybe even more.

• Josh McCown is set to start in place of Kessler, but watch him get destroyed by Stephon Tuitt and tell me how he doesn’t also have a concussion!?!? Seriously, I don't think he should be playing anytime soon.

• Normally, the Chicago Bears falling to 2-8 (tee hee) would make me happier, but people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. The Bears were always on the hook for Jay’s salary this year, but not so next year, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to envision him being in a Chicago uniform in 2017. This week, Cutler had to deny that he’s “lost his teammates’ support.”

"Nonsense! I never had their support."

• Awww, now I feel bad because I just read that Cutler’s season may be over after he suffered a shoulder injury on Sunday. Sorry, Jay! I hope you heal up quick!

• Nooo, Luuuuuuke! Poor Luke Kuechly suffered a concussion on Thursday night in the Carolina Panthers’ 23-20 victory over the New Orleans Saints. It’s particularly worrisome because Kuechly missed three games last season due to a concussion. Presumably he’ll miss at least some time (please, Panthers, make him miss time, even if he clears protocol), which is a huge blow to the Panthers, for whom he has played 99.3% of defensive snaps this season. It was a heartbreaking and disturbing scene to see one of the game’s best players sobbing on the field.

Oh, Luke! I'll be your shoulder to cry on!

• I know the Carolina Panthers’ motto is #keeppounding, but tweeting that right after your star player gets concussed and when you lead the league in most concussions, you might want to leave off that hashtag.

• The good news is that Kuechly's teammate did post a photo of a much happier looking Luke the next day.

• Someone take pity on Cam Newton and tell him to do something about that nasty goatee. it looks like he accidentally dipped it in some honey mustard.

Just think: that was a conscious decision that took time and effort and money.

• The Tennessee Titans’ center is such a teacher’s pet. In the Titan’s loss to the Indianapolis Colts, a penalty flag was thrown, and the referee announced the penalty: “False start … everyone but the center.” I’ll bet his mom was always yelling, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” at his siblings, too.

• The Minnesota Vikings have a terrible offense that is very bad at scoring. As such, they should have lost to the Arizona Cardinals, but the Arizona Cardinals declared with one voice, “Not on our watch!” And so they allowed not one, but two 100-yard non-offense touchdowns. One was a 100-yard pick-six from Xavier Rhodes and one was a 104-yard kickoff return from the terrifying Cordarrelle Patterson. The Vikings won by six. Argh!

• But the NFC North gods were not yet done smiting the Green Bay Packers because then there was the Detroit Lions-Jacksonville Jaguars game. The Lions had the ball, up 26-19 with 8:19 and are dragging out the clock as much as possible. Seven plays and five minutes later, they’re facing 3rd-and-6 and midfield, but the Jaguars stick ‘em! Woo-hoo! Now, they’ll force a punt and have about three minutes two-and-half minutes left with two timeouts and the two-minute warning left to score. But first, Detroit insists on trying that silly we’re-going-to-pretend-to-go-for-it-on-fourth-down-even-though-everyone-knows-we’re-not-really-going-for-it “trick” that never works. And the Jaguars jumped! Incredibly, eight-year veteran Sen’Derrick Marks jumped offsides, giving the Lions a whole new set of downs that allowed them to take the clock down to 22 seconds. Detroit won by seven. Argh!

• Poor Andrew Luck inevitably has a concussion and looks unlikely to be ready for Thursday’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. The upshot is we’ll get to see some Scott Tolzien action! 

• Look, I like the Oakland Raiders a lot, but the Houston Texans got royally worked over by the refs on Monday night. On the opening drive, Texans receiver extraordinaire DeAndre Hopkins would have had a touchdown if the refs hadn't blown the play dead, thinking he had stepped out of bounds when he hadn't! Then, in the fourth quarter, Houston CLEARLY  had the first down (see below), but the refs spotted them short and the Texans went for it on 4th-and-inches and again got the first down, and the refs again spotted the ball short! I'm so furious on behalf of the Texans!

• Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Steve Smith caught his 1,000 career catch, which is pretty awesome. He celebrated by flirting with Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett, who bashfully turned away and blushed demurely.

• All I want for the next 10 Christmases is for the Dallas Cowboys to trade away Tony Romo and then see Dak Prescott experience a Colin Kaepernick-like free fall. (Nothing personal, Dak.) Pleeeeeeaaaase, Santa, I’ve been such a good girl.

• The Cowboys won defeated the Ravens for their ninth straight win. The real highlight of the game for most of the internet, it seems, was Dak Prescott proving himself to be a polite young man who picks up after himself.

• Ugh you guys just don’t understand how rough it is to be a Green Bay fan in Dallas these days. These disloyal bandwagoners who will turn on Dak the second he loses a game, have 20 years worth of unsupported trash talk that they can finally spew without the entire world mocking them. And I have to sit in the middle of it all and listen to it because we’ve entered some sort of Twilight Zone where the Cowboys are good and the Packers are bad!

• I suppose there’s one person in Dallas who has it slightly worse than I, and that’s Tony Romo. His teammates have moved on without him:

"If Coach asks if you like me or Dak better, I need you to
say me, okay? Please? No, I need you to promise."

• His coach stopped listening to him ages ago:

"But you see, interceptions actually help us because they make our defense better, you see?
Plus, when I throw it over there, and the defender picks it off, all the offensive
guys have to get back to defend, too, so it's actually sharpening their skills, too!"
"Uh huh."

• Now he has nothing left to do except sit on the bench and look through the scrapbook he made of the good years:

• And remember when he was king.

• Up next: the Green Bay Packers will help the 5-5 Philadelphia Eagles get back on track next Monday night by making their rookie quarterback look like Tom Brady.

The defenders are so far away that they're blurry.

Uh, We Might Have a Problem

• Okay, we have to face the facts: that was pretty bad. The defense was bad, the offense was terrible, and everything I feared would happen when Jordy Nelson first went down in preseason happened.

• The Denver Broncos defense held Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers to 77 yards passing, and just 140 overall. Denver (500 yards) had more than triple Green Bay’s total yardage.

• The Broncos had 24 first downs to Green Bay’s 14 (it felt like four), and 7.9 yards per play compared to 3.0 yards. To be clear, it sucked.

• The only way the Packers managed to move the ball was off of Denver penalties. The Broncos racked up 93 yards on 11 penalties, meaning that they had more penalty yardage than Aaron Rodgers had passing yards.

• Rodgers was facing a ton of pressure all night, which, combined with the receivers’ inability to get open, made for a very long night for the reigning league MVP. I seriously kept on counting how many players Denver had on the field because it felt like they were playing with an extra defender. They were bringing pressure on every single snap and still somehow also perfectly covering Green Bay’s receivers.

C'mon, Green Eyes! We need you to step up!

• Sunday night’s game was a faith-shaking wake-up call for Green Bay fans, and it was probably needed. As Cris Collinsworth mentioned during the broadcast, the Packers came into the game ranked 22nd in passing yards, total and per game, so the offensive issues are not out of the blue. The Packers do have a lot they need to figure out, but there are a few reasons that fans shouldn’t overreact to Sunday’s loss:
• Denver’s defense is the best in the league. They are really, really good, both up front and in the secondary. They lead the league in total yards allowed, yards per game, yards per attempt, touchdowns allowed, sacks, and sack yards. They are second in the league in opposing quarterback passing rating and in takeaways. As I said, very good.
• Peyton Manning was having a “shut the #$&% up” game after weeks of speculation from the media about his career being over, whether he should be benched, should he retire, &c. The normally affable Manning was curt and defensive in his media session the last week, clearly sick of answering the same questions about his declining play over and over. His game against the Packers (340 yards, 72% completion, 12 yards per attempt) was one of his best in a shaky season (he has 11 interceptions to seven touchdowns). It was a statement game on the national stage. Hopefully the Packers won’t be playing against any other aging icons who are trying to defend their legacy and prove an entire country wrong. 

• Combine Peyton’s game with the fact that the Packers lost their best cornerback, Sam Shields, to a shoulder injury early on in the game, and then his backup, Quinten Rollins, to the same injury. (Not a good night to be a Packers’ defensive back’s shoulder.) The injuries also forced some of Green Bay’s remaining defensive backs to play positions that were not their natural position. Casey Hayward, for example, typically covers the slot, but was forced to move to the outside after Shields went down.
• Side note: speaking of poor Casey, why the heck didn’t the Packers try to help him (and later Demarious Randall) cover Demaryius Thomas?? Single coverage was obviously not doing it against Thomas, and rolling over a little safety help wouldn’t have been amiss much earlier in the game. I felt bad watching them get beat over and over again.

• I am not a Richard Rodgers fan. I’ve tried to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but his blocking is too often atrocious and he might as well be playing with concrete gloves. Furthermore, he was 100% responsible for the safety. It was his man who blew by him to strip Aaron Rodgers, then he couldn’t pick up the ball before it went into the endzone, then when he recovered it in the endzone, he tripped and fell. Geez. 

• Also, his face bothers me. I think it’s because after every time he drops a pass, he smiles serenely, and jogs slowly back to the huddle without a care in the world.

You can see he's even smiling while dropping passes.

• No rest for the weary/injured -- the Packers have will have another tough road game against the 7-0 Carolina Panthers.

• Ugh, the now 7-0 Broncos just acquired tight end Vernon Davis from the San Francisco 49ers. Like they need the help.

• Normally an interception isn’t a highlight for an offense, but check out Atlanta Falcons receiver Julio Jones insane speed in somehow catching the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defender who grabbed an interception in the endzone. He looks CGI'd!

Julio Jones isn't human. pic.twitter.com/wGAPc066DY

— Blake Hartung (@Hartung_B) November 1, 2015

• Let’s all take a moment to remember that the 1-7 Detroit Lions, the Detroit Lions who lost in London on Sunday 45-10 to the 3-5 Kansas City Chiefs, were in the playoffs last year, and one controversial call away from the divisional round. From the press conferences, it's hard to tell who's checked out more, head coach Jim Caldwell or quarterback Matthew Stafford.

• JJ Watt had 2.5 sacks on Sunday to go with nine quarterback hits in the Houston Texans’ win over the Tennessee Titans. The Titans had an, er, interesting approach to blocking the best defender in the league, putting a lineman one-on-one far more than most teams do (which is never). When asked how many times he had a one-on-one matchups in the game, Watt replied, “Well, how many hits did I have?”

Oh, snap.

• Does anyone inspire less confidence during a game winning drive than Matt Cassel? No, really, I’m trying to think of a current quarterback who would make a fan feel worse in that situation. The Seattle Seahawks kicked a field goal with 1:06 remaining to take a 13-12 lead over the Dallas Cowboys. There was absolutely no thrill or suspense when the Cowboys took over because no one had any faith in them. The Dallas offense went incomplete, incomplete, sack, false start, incomplete to end the game. Your fake confidence is fooling no one, Matt.

• Okay, I take it back. I can think of one other quarterback who inspires less confidence. The San Francisco 49ers have decided to start Blaine Gabbert at quarterback next week. Sooo they're playing for a draft pick, I guess.

• At the age of 39, Charles Woodson was named the defensive player of the month and leads the league in interceptions (he got the 65th of his career on Sunday), which is pretty amazing, but Charles doesn’t understand why everyone’s so surprised:

• There were so many injuries this week!! The Monday Morning Quarterback listed just some of the injuries:

• That list includes a player who was knocked unconscious on the field (Ricardo Lockette), my favorite Dolphins player (Cameron Wake), and a 15-year veteran receiver (Steve Smith). All three of those are season-ending, which brings up an interesting situation for Smith. Smith, who was already playing with broken ribs, has said he would retire after this season, but coach John Harbaugh seemed confident that Smith would be back. Just in case he’s not, he should take a bow:

• The Bears had to call the police after they cut nose tackle Jeremiah Ratliff when Ratliff returned to the facility, saying that he was the devil, wanted to kill everybody in the building, and wanted staffers’ kids to die. Ratliff apparently has a history of violent outbursts. The most incredible story about Ratliff that has come out in the past few days is how last season, he flipped out at practice, started screaming at teammates, destroyed a game clock on the sidelines, and shoved a coach to the ground -- and then-head coach Marc Trestman made Ratliff a team captain the next day. I’m totally speechless.

Trestman has written a book on leadership, by the way.

• New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul returned to the team for the first time since severely injuring his hands in a Fourth of July fireworks accident. Pierre-Paul lost the index finger and part of the middle finger on his right hand, and seriously damaged the thumb as well. (Careful, the pictures are gruesome.) It’s a crazy story, but I do hope that he’s able to come back and play well.

• I was originally going to complain about the alternate uniforms that the Cleveland Browns wore in their 34-20 loss to the Arizona Cardinals. I mean, if your team name is the Browns, shouldn’t you have more than just two tiny stripes of brown on your jerseys? But then I saw the team name on the pants, and now these are kinda my favorite uniforms ever.

Every team should do that. It looks so cool!

• Holy wow, how about that New Orleans Saints-New York Giants game? The losing quarterback completed 73% of his passes, had 350 yards, and threw six touchdowns! Drew Brees had a 78% completion rate, 505 yards, and seven touchdowns!! And the game was decided by a punter and a kicker. New Orleans scored a touchdown to tie the game 49-49 with 36 seconds left. New York went three-and-out and had to punt with 20 seconds left, and the game looks like it’s going to overtime. The punt, however, was returned 24 yards, just across midfield. The returner FUMBLED, but New Orleans recovered the ball. There’s only five seconds left, which would pretty much mean the end of regulation, except that the Giants’ punter committed a facemask penalty!! That 15-yard-penalty put the Saints on the Giant’s 32-yard line. Kai Forbath, the New Orleans kicker who was signed two weeks ago and had yet to attempt a field goal for the Saints, knocked down a 50-yard field goal for the 52-49 win.

• Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck has reportedly been playing with broken ribs since Week 3, which makes his poor play of late make a little more sense. The Colts, however, never disclosed a rib injury, and Luck hasn’t appeared on the injury report the past two weeks, which is a serious violation of the rules. It'll be interesting to see how the league decides to punish the Colts, assuming the report is true.

• With eight minutes left in the game, the Colts were down 23-6 to the undefeated Carolina Panthers. Then Indy scored a touchdown, forced a three-and-out, scored a touchdown, and forced another three-and-out! Then they had a nail-biting, grind-it-out, 16-play drive that ended in a field goal, sending the game to overtime! Then the Colts got the ball in overtime, scored a field goal, then Carolina scored a field goal. But then Andrew Luck threw another interception!! Gah! The Panthers kicked a field goal to win the game.  

• I really thought the stars were aligning for a incredible, season-saving Colts comeback. I mean, a series of crazy things had to happen:
• Carolina missed an extra point early in the fourth which meant the Colts only needed a field goal to send it to overtime rather than a touchdown.
• During the Colts game-tying drive at the end of the fourth, there was a catch that looked like it may not have been a catch, but there wasn't enough evidence to overturn.
• During that same drive, the Panthers tackled a Colts receiver in bounds, but the refs incorrectly called him out of bounds, stopping the clock with 19 seconds left and Indy out of timeouts.
• The Colts were doing all this against a defense like this:

• Linebacker extraordinaire Luke Kuechly dropped an interception in the endzone with two seconds left in regulation that would have ended the game right there.
• Ted Ginn Jr. dropped a touchdown in overtime that would have been the game winner.

• How could the football gods set us up for disappointment like that? A bedraggled and downtrodden team suddenly puts together an amazing fourth quarter against an undefeated opponent, gets several crazy turns of luck, only to lose on a field goal? That's not how Disney would have written it. Also, now Carolina is a game ahead of Green Bay in the NFC. Next week is huge.

• The loss dropped the Colts to 3-5. But no worries! They're in the AFC South, so they're still tied for the division lead! Haha, the joke's on the rest of the league and the winning teams that will lose a playoff spot to the AFC South!

• The AFC is pretty much wrapped up. The New England Patriots, Cincinnati Bengals, and Denver Broncos are all atop their respective divisions at 7-0. Only two other teams in the entire AFC have a winning record.

• One of those other teams is the Oakland Raiders! Perhaps it’s because their head coach, Jack del Rio, is a cartoon superhero come to life.

• And here’s what he looks like before he finds a phone booth:

• The Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Diego Chargers on a field goal, and kicker Justin Tucker thought that deserved a celebratory dance.

• I’m not even going to make fun of him because he kinda seems like the coolest, weirdest person ever. He’s a practicing Catholic opera singer who has his realtor license and writes scouting reports on his teammates' cornhole skills.

• The Minnesota Vikings scored a touchdown against the Chicago Bears to tie the game 20-20 with 1:49 left in the game. The Bears ideally would get into field goal range, burn the clock, then kick an easy field goal with time expiring. If you can’t do that and aren’t able to score, you want to at least run the clock down and take it to overtime. If you can’t score and can’t run the clock out, you at least want to take as much time off the clock as possible. What you really don’t want to do is lay a three-and-out that takes all of 49 seconds, punt the ball, allow gains of four, 35, and nine yards, and then watch as the opposing team kicks a field goal with time expiring. Chicago took the latter route.

• The Vikings are only one game behind the Packers in the NFC North. Just something to keep in mind.

• When the San Francisco 49ers lined up just outside their own endzone, the St. Louis Rams didn’t even bother to cover TWO San Fran receivers on either side of the field. And Colin Kaepernick still decided to stick with the run. The Rams scored a safety on the next play.

• Last season, Green Bay was 8th in passing yards. After Sunday’s game, they’re 27th. That’s what Jordy does.