2016 Offseason Edition

The Dream Team's back together!!

• This was just going to be a light-hearted offseason recap, but then the Green Bay Packers went and released Josh Sitton!! He’s been a stalwart left guard for the Packers, their strongest lineman, their most consistent, their most durable, and has been considered one of the best guards in the league! Why, Ted Thompson, why?? No one saw this coming! And no matter what they say, the Pack can’t feel great about replacing a Pro Bowler with Lane Taylor (who always makes me think of a women’s clothing store). It sounds like Sitton wanted a contract extension, and the Packers had too many concerns about his health (he’s struggled with back injuries) and his cost.

Also, I feel bad for all his o-linemen friends. That chemistry
is really important in an offensive line!

• I really want to wish Sitton well, but then he went and signed with the CHICAGO BEARS!!! I can’t blame Sitton for taking a 3-year, $21.75 million contract ($10 million guaranteed) with a chance to play his old team twice a year, but now I can’t say, “Best of luck, Josh!” because him playing well means fewer Jay Cutler sacks, and you know I can’t cheer for that.

• While we’re getting out all of our sad news, the Packers also released punter Tim Masthay. I’m not sure if this is a move they’ll regret or not -- former Tampa Bay Buccaneers punter Jacob Schum, newly signed, has looked good in preseason -- but I’m sad for Masthay, who hoped to play his entire career in Green Bay and seems like such a nice guy! For example, here’s what Masthay had to say about his replacement: “I hope Jake plays fantastic [in his first preseason game with Green Bay], and I hope he goes on to have a fantastic career here. I wish all the best for him, and I hope he has a great experience with the organization.” Awww, I’ll miss you, Ginger Wolverine!

Also, I feel bad for his bff Mason Crosby. =(

• I’ll keep the hits coming: backup QB Scott Tolzien left in free agency. I guess all my #ActivateTolzien hashtags will now belong to the Indianapolis Colts.

• Oh yeah, and B.J. RAJI RETIRED!!! It came as a huge surprise that the 29-year-old defensive lineman walked away after deciding his heart just wasn’t in it.

We'll miss you, B.J.!

• The Packers cut someone named Alstevis Squirewell, which I think was a mistake, because how often are you going to have the chance to put “Alstevis Squirewell” on your roster?

• Casey Hayward was a victim of Green Bay’s stacked cornerback position and so left the Pack in free agency, signing with the San Diego Chargers. You got a great cornerback, San Diego -- maybe he’ll actually get the playing time he deserves there.

• Megatron retiring is old news by now, but here’s a cool link to an interview with three NFC cornerbacks who had to play against Calvin Johnson. Also, Calvin is going to be on Dancing with the Stars this season. I’ll keep you updated on that as necessary.

• I really don’t particularly care about Peyton Manning, but it makes me really sad that he turned down a one-day contract with the Colts to retire as a Denver Bronco. I get that he had his triumphant comeback and sunset Super Bowl with the Broncos, but he played 14 seasons with Indianapolis! Poor Colts fans.

• Skip Bayless, of blowhard notoriety, mercifully has left ESPN’s First Take, so we’ll at least be spared the incoherence and banality of Bayless and Stephen A. Smith shouting nonsensical words at the same time. In honor of Skip, who has the unique talent of always being wrong while simultaneously insisting that he is absolutely 100% right, here are his 10 dumbest tweets.

It was really difficult to choose which of these to screenshot.
So many idiotic tweets to choose from.

• I make fun of the monstrosity that is JerryWorld often, but the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium was put to good use this offseason, hosting 100 underprivileged kids for a giant sleepover on the field. Each kid got his own personalized bed, decked out with Cowboys gear, and the beds were delivered to the kids’ homes next day, courtesy of the sponsor. Pretty cool, Cowboys.

• Umm speaking of the Cowboys … I had a lot of slightly unkind jokes primed for the start of the season, most of them involving Tony Romo and his frail back. Now that Romo is actually out for the first 6-10 weeks with a broken bone in his back, I will skip the jokes because I feel bad.

"Please, coach! I'm in so much pain! Please don't make me play!"
"Muhahahahaha!" 

• I half expected a patented Jerry Jones, “We expect Tony to start Week 1, unless the doctors discover that he’s a big sissy” statement, but it looks like we’ll have to wait until Week 4 or 5 for that.

Yep, there it is.

• At least Dak Prescott is not Kellan Moore … or Brandon Weeden … or Matt Cassel…

The bad news is that Mark Sanchez is still Mark Sanchez.

• I’m also very sad for Teddy Bridgewater, the Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback who destroyed his knee in practice last week and is out for the entire season.

Get better soon, Teddy!

• The Vikings gave up a first-round pick, along with a conditional fourth-rounder, to acquire Sam Bradford from the Philadelphia Eagles to replace Bridgewater. This is very interesting. On the one hand they gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to their current backup, Shaun Hill!

• On the same hand, the Vikes gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to the recently released Mark Sanchez, for whom the Cowboys gave up nothing.

• On the other hand, Minnesota has a crazy good defense, an aging Adrian Peterson, and had a great shot at a deep playoff run. Many have them as their sleeper pick even. As much as I like Shaun Hill -- and I actually like him a lot -- it seems like a stretch to envision him leading a team to a Super Bowl, so I understand Minnesota’s urgency. What I don’t understand is Minnesota’s long-term plan. What happens next season? The Vikings have taken on Bradford onerous contract which, I believe, is guaranteed through the 2017 season. What will they do next offseason when (if?) Bridgewater is ready to return? Is this a sign that Bridgewater’s injury is so severe that they’re looking beyond 2016? Or are they just desperate not to waste this talented roster?

• Have we talked about how darn endearing Andrew Luck is? The guy runs his own book club, with selections for both children and adults, and he still uses a flip phone. The multi-, multi-, multi-millionaire finally upgraded his phone this summer and got a … new flip phone. God bless Andrew Luck.

• Uuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh that awful Mike Pereira wrote his own book, After Further Review. Blech. Real clever title there, Mike. I wonder if the actual pages are greasy with his oily smugness. I  might have to buy this book just so I can give it a scathing Amazon review.

"It's so weird how this book I put next to Troy
Aikman is, like, right there next to Troy Aikman."

• I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but I haven’t wanted to say anything in the hopes that he’d change it, but Julius Peppers’ hair is not working for him. He looks like he’s trying too hard to look hip. It's the equivalent of a 50-year-old woman wearing chunky platform heels and a mini-skirt.

It's just a little too Roger from Sister, Sister for me.

• Randall Cobb graduated from the University of Kentucky this offseason. Congrats!

He's got looks, he's got brains -- what doesn't Green Eyes have??

• Okay, okay, all of this has just been small talk. We all know what this season’s really about: JORDY NELSON IS BACK!!!!!!! After a long and dark 2015 season in which Jordy never took the field, the dawn has broken upon the world once more.

You have no idea how much we (I) missed you, Jordy.

• The Packers have been cautious with Nelson, to say the least. All year long, he was said to be well ahead of schedule after tearing his ACL last August. He experienced a “hiccup” in his uninjured knee sometime around training camp, but insists it fine. He did not play in any preseason, but says he’s a “full go” to start Week 1.

• In the offseason, Jordy teamed up with Jockey to tell his story of adopting his son and to encourage adoption. Aaaaawwwwwwwww! That’s so adorable! I mean, could he be any more perfect??? (You can imagine my reaction when I first saw this.)

• And here’s Jordy just, ya know, doing some push-ups while his kids play.

• And here he is just hanging out, being a rugged farmer.

• I’M SO GLAD HE’S BACK! (So is Clay.)

• First up: Jacksonville. Don't sleep on the Jaguars!

I Don't Even Care Anymore

• While I'm glad that football is finally (almost) back, I won’t lie: things just aren’t the same. As we all know, the beautiful and talented Sideline Ninja himself is out for the entire season following an ACL tear to his beautiful and talented knee. Considering that this blog was about 87% pictures of Jordy Nelson, you can’t blame me if there’s a pall cast over O&E for the entire season.

• Here's a breakdown of my mental state:

• How I felt when Jordy limped off the field.

• How I felt when I heard the first reports that it was his ACL.

• How I felt when the reports were confirmed the next day.

• How I feel every time they show the replay.

• How I feel on the inside when I say everything’s going to be just fine.

• Aaron Rodgers will certainly miss Jordy. In passes to Nelson, Rodgers has a career 70% completion rate, 45 TDs, and a 130 passer rating.

• I’m still too upset to talk about Randall Cobb’s injury. I am pleased, however, that the Packers are bringing back James Jones. I may not have always been Jones’ biggest cheerleader, but I felt that we parted on good terms, and I’m glad he’s back in Green Bay.

• Despite the crushing blow, I’m not anti-preseason. Rodgers was angry, and indicated how he doesn’t think preseason games are needed. But when the league was trying to force an 18-game season down everybody’s throats a couple of years ago, the proposal included cutting the preseason down to two games and the players rebelled, saying the four preseason games were needed, so I don’t think it’s really fair to say preseason games are bad except when we're using them to get out of playing 18 games. Furthermore, the preseason isn’t really for the starters, which is why they generally only play a quarter or so. The preseason is for rookies to get acclimated to live snaps and for GMs and coaches to figure out who they’re going to cut. It wasn’t like dear, sweet Jordy got injured in the third quarter. It was a few snaps in and it was a non-contact injury.

Don't worry, Jordy. I won't let the world forget about
you and your #NinjaBiceps while you're gone.

• I shouldn’t dwell on this. It’s not good for me. Moving on …

• One of the big offseason changes was Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy giving up playcalling duties so that he can focus more on game management. But since playcalling is his strength (NFC Championship games aside), and game management is a weakness, do we really want him spending more time managing the game?

• So the Washington Redskins are a disaster. I understand the quarterback situation has long been a prickly issue, but they really seem intent on destroying Robert Griffin III. A quick recap of his career with the Redskins prior to this season:
• Rookie season: he takes hits all year long and eventually sprains his LCL. He sits out for one play before going back in (he would leave a few plays later for good). Then-coach Mike Shanahan says it’s fine to send a franchise quarterback with a sprained knee in after one play because the doctor said so! Except the doctor never said so. RGIII gets a week off before returning. A few weeks later, he re-injures his knee (LCL and ACL this time) and requires surgery.

• Year 2: He doesn’t play all preseason of his sophomore season because his knee isn’t ready, but that doesn’t stop the team from starting him in Week 1, nor from blaming Griffin for his substandard play that season. Griffin was benched for the final three games.

• Year 3: In Week 2 of the next season -- last year -- Griffin dislocated his ankle. When he returned, the Skins didn’t do so well and Griffin was benched three games until his backup suffered a season-ending injury, and Griffin was awkwardly welcomed back as the starter.

• That brings us to this preseason. Griffin was put behind an atrocious offensive line and took two sacks early in the second game -- a preseason game. Unsurprisingly, Griffin suffered a concussion on a third sack in the second quarter. Head coach Jay Gruden affirmed after the game that Griffin would be the starter whenever he was cleared to play. Griffin was practicing three days later and cleared for the next week’s game. Except he wasn’t and was thankfully held for the next game. Then backup quarterback Kirk Cousins was named the starter -- not for Week 1, but for the 2015 season; not because RGIII was injured, but because Cousins had “earned the right,” according to Gruden. “It’s Kirk’s team,” he said. Sucks for Griffin to be demoted to backup, huh? Except it’s worse! Griffin went from starter to third-string quarterback!  

I really think Jay Gruden is trying to kill RG3.

• Now, I hear there are rumors of problems with Griffin and his attitude, but I can’t imagine that he could have done anything so egregious to merit the complete disrespect and lack of concern from his coach. The relationship between RGIII and the Redskins has been deteriorating for some time, before Gruden ever arrived. One clear piece of evidence of this is Washington’s letter to season ticket holders this summer: “Head Coach Jay Gruden, new General Manager Scot McCloughan, and Defensive Coordinator Joe Barry will lead a nucleus of Ryan Kerrigan, DeSean Jackson, plus Pro Bowlers Trent Williams and Alfred Morris. The Redskins are poised to rebound next season!” Ummmm, anyone missing from that list?

"Nope! Think we got them all!"

• “Eli Manning wants to be highest-paid player in NFL.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

• I don’t like the rule change of moving the point after touchdown from the 1-yard line to the 15-yard line (though I do like that teams are now able to return a blocked PAT or stuffed 2-point conversion). I just don’t see what the problem was with the old way. Sportswriters were pulling out their hair pretending it was a huge problem that kickers almost always make the PAT, but so what? It took all of five seconds. Now it’s just tough luck for cold-weather teams who will have to kick in worse conditions. If it was really such a problem, why not just mandate that everyone has to go for two from now on?

• It’s incredible to me that Peyton Manning is still playing and winning. His throws are so incredibly weak and wobbly now that I literally cannot understand how he is still doing so well. As he casually mentioned this offseason, he hasn’t had feelings in the fingertips of his throwing hand since his 2011 neck surgeries. I’m sure that’s totally normal and will not have any negative long-term effects down the road. Go get ‘em, Peyton!

• Our old friend Jim Schwartz is taking a year off of coaching football players on how to be dirty and will instead be a consultant to the officials. Hmm.

"Here's how to deal with a coach who's having a
toddler-like meltdown on the sidelines..."

• I had saved this picture and was going to spend some time talking about how superfly Jordy looks here, getting off the bus before that fateful game, but what’s the point anymore?

What's the point of anything?

• At least we play the Chicago Bears in Week 1. A Jay Cutler interception or six always makes me feel better.