Two More to Go

• Aaaaaahhhhhhhh! Oh my gosh! That was way too close! The last-minute heroics of Jordy Nelson and Aaron Rodgers in the Packers' 30-27 victory over the Chicago Bears are certainly a cause for celebration around the globe, but they also have the effect of covering how bad the Green Bay defense -- and offense, at times --- was on Sunday.

• The defense played pretty well for three quarters, forcing four turnovers (yay! Great job!), but then allowed Chicago to score 17 straight points in the fourth quarter!!! (Booo! Not a great job!) Green Bay allowed the Bears to gain nearly as many yards in the fourth quarter (216) as in the other three quarters combined (233). It wasn’t a pretty second half, in general. Just when things were looking pretty bleak, and I was starting to advocate letting Chicago score, the defense stood the Bears up on the 4-yard line (featuring a beautiful pass breakup by Micah Hyde on third down) to force the Bears to kick the tying field goal instead of the possibly go-ahead touchdown. 

• Ha-Ha Clinton Dix grabbed two of the interceptions on Sunday, bringing his season total to five.

(Yes! Two Simpsons gifs in a row!)

• The offense also struggled. They scored a touchdown on the opening drive and managed a field goal on their last drive of the first half, but in between that, their possessions were punt, punt, downs, punt. And while Chicago was scoring touchdowns in the fourth, Green Bay went three-and-out on consecutive drives that allowed the Bears that opportunity to score. They had -3 yards in the third quarter! And they struggled again on third downs, converting a measly 3-of-10.

• Now that I’ve gotten my scolding out of the way, I can go back to being ecstatic about the win and glossing over all the flaws. Woo hoo! How ‘bout that Jordy Nelson, right? After the first two plays of the drive resulted in -1 yards, with the clock ticking and no timeouts, I wasn’t feeling too good about the Packers’ 3rd-and-11 with 31 seconds left. After all, the Packers hadn’t scored in a quarter and a half. But then -- who else but Jordy? -- Rodgers threw an absolute bomb to Nelson for a 60-yard gain, putting the Pack in comfortable field goal range. 

• (Remember when the big knock on Rodgers was that he wasn’t clutch in late-game situations?)

• Green Bay ran the clock down to :04 before clocking the ball. Mason Crosby lined up for the 32-yard field goal and made it -- but Chicago called a timeout first. Lolz, you don’t ice Mason Crosby. He came right back out and drilled the same kick for the win. I love it when kickers get some love.

VICTORY! #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/Fn85OL0Wun

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 18, 2016

• Let’s talk about Ty Montgomery. The wide-receiver-turned-running-back rushed for 162 yards and looked good doing it. It’s very, very exciting for Green Bay fans to have something to be happy about in the running game! Lil Wayne -- a huge Packers fan -- also approved of Ty Montgomery’s game.

• With the victory, Green Bay tied the all-time series at 93-93-6, thus destroying the last, puny shred of pride Chicago Bears fans could clutch at when encountering Green Bay fans. They even suck at trash talking:

When you're talking about how you're more evolved than others,
try to keep your spelling mistakes to under three.

• Christine (still pronounced “Kristen”) Michael got his first touchdown as a Packer on a purty 42-yard run! Yay, Christine! Now you're really part of the team!

• Chicago backup quarterback Matt Barkley has played pretty well in Jay Cutler’s stead. Barkley very well may be a nice guy, too (though I doubt it -- he went to USC), but he has an eminently punchable face.

• Uh oh. The old Davante Adams appears to be rearing his head. Adams dropped not one, but two touchdowns! In both cases, the Packers had to settle for field goals on the drive. Don’t revert to your old self, Davante!

Aww, Tae, that's alright! ... just don't do that again.

• In case you hadn’t heard, it was pretty cold in Chicago.

• Can we stop acting like Rodger’s “I think we can run the table” comment was bold or at all noteworthy? And that means stop mentioning it in every freaking Packers article. Please? What else was he supposed to say? "I don't think we're good enough to make the playoffs"?? Geez, I haven’t seen the sports media this enamored of a meaningless quote since Rodgers said “R-E-L-A-X.” 

• Beating the Bears was a lot of fun, especially with such a thrilling ending. Still, it felt like something was missing. Can’t quite put my finger on it…

And with his return to Chicago next year unlikely, the Packers probably
won't get to destroy Jay twice a year anymore. *Sniff*

• I would 100% subscribe to this magazine.

• On the opposite end of the quarterback spectrum from ol' Jay, Aaron Rodgers could throw 72 straight interceptions and still have a higher career passer rating than Tom Brady.

• Tom Savage sounds like an 80s singer.

Doesn't look like one at all, though. 

• I feel like his looks should match his name more.

Better.

• Richard Sherman is absolutely right to complain about having to play Thursday night. It’s a legitimate complaint for any team, but especially for the Seahawks this week. They played the late afternoon game, which didn’t end until 7pm-ish. After doing post-game media and the like, they had to gather up all their stuff and fly 2,000 miles from Green Bay back to Seattle, not returning, as Sherman noted, until about 1:00am Monday morning. And they’re supposed to be able to recover, install a game plan, and be ready to play by Thursday night? “Poopfest,” indeed.

• One of the benefits to being Odell Beckham Jr. is that people are so used to you making ridiculous catches that they just assume that you can now catch footballs with your legs. Yes, this was ruled a catch.

• Jaguars fired head coach Gus Bradley almost immediately following Jacksonville’s loss in Houston. My first thought:

I was really, really concerned with this question.

• A lot of other were people concerned, too.

• I don’t want to rub salt into Gus’ open wound here, but Bill Belichick could go 0-16 for 41 consecutive seasons and still have a higher win percentage than Bradley.

• Everyone who like sports hates Skip Bayless, so we all got a good laugh when he was caught posing as a fan commenting on how great his own show is.

• Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was profiled in the Wall Street Journal this week, and the subject of how he always seems to be undermining his team came up. As far as stirring up quarterback controversy -- like when he hinted that he might pull MVP contender Dak Prescott for Tony Romo after the Cowboys lost to the Giants last week -- Jones admitted that when he does these things, it “probably is intentional.” Why on earth would someone do that to his team, his coaches, and his players, one might wonder. Said Jones, “That’s one of the things that makes sports interesting. I do feed that.” Never change, Jerry.

• New England tight end Martellus Bennett doesn’t add layers, no matter the weather. Probably as a ball-security thing, right? Or maybe to prove his toughness?

• The New Orleans Saints came thisclose to catching Cardinals running back Kerwynn Williams, but only got his shoe. That didn’t seem to slow him down.

He lost his shoe.
But it didn't matter.@kerwinning_ is GONE. 49-yard TD! #BeRedSeeRed https://t.co/I7VZ0DF1WG

— NFL (@NFL) December 18, 2016

• Detroit lost, Minnesota lost, Chicago lost -- and Tampa Bay came within a quarter of making it a perfect weekend, but unfortunately they couldn’t hang on against the Dallas Cowboys. 

• The Detroit Lions losing was huge. Now Green Bay's only a game behind Detroit with their season-ending rematch coming up in a couple of weeks. The Lions play the Cowboys next week, which means we all have to -- gulp -- cheer for the Cowboys and hard. It'll be awful, but these are the sacrifices true fans have to make.

• The Vikings are an absolute mess, but so are the Packers, so, again, the trap game must be avoided next week. It’s hard not to look ahead to Week 17, when everything will be decided, but we must handle Minnesota first.  We can do this!

Back to .500!

• Yes, being at .500 is a reason to celebrate for Green Bay Packers and also a good reminder not to celebrate too much. That said, what a fun game!!!! It had it all: perfect football weather, Randall making snow angels, Jordy making big plays, even the defense having good moments, key stops, long drives, Aaron Rodgers looking sharp, and, of course, victory.

• The game started out great with the Packers defense forcing a fumble, but then Rodgers fumbled the ball on the goal line. A couple of punts later, the defense again showed up, stopping Houston on 4th down at midfield. The drive contained a fourth-down conversion of Green Bay’s own and ended with a nice Randall Cobb touchdown and lovely snow angel. (Thank you, refs, for not flagging this.)

Snow angel by @rcobb18! #HOUvsGB #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/ndHS5troIM

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 4, 2016

• After that, the game really stalled (punt, punt, punt, downs for Green Bay) before the offense woke up again. Jordy, in particular, had a monster fourth quarter and finished with eight catches for 118 yards. My favorite was this third-down catch where he just out-muscled the defender. #NinjaBiceps

• It was a tough weekend for Houston corner Charles James. First, he probably got frostbite during warmups.

• Then, he was called up after starting cornerback Jonathan Joseph went down, slipped in the snow and allowed Nelson’s wide open touchdown. And then … he got fired the next day. Poor guy. It’s not easy going up against Jordy.  

• Can I just say how much I love cocky Jordy? It’s so uncharacteristic! The best part is that you can tell it’s a conscious effort, which makes it even cuter that he has to try to be brash. When asked about it, Jordy got all embarrassed, “I was just being … never mind. Just having fun.” Aww!

👈 #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/UQ70ipi1bm

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 4, 2016

• Ol’ Green Eyes brought a spark to special teams, with punt returns of 23 and 21 yards, which were great, but stop using Cobb on punt returns! It makes me nervous! He’s not worth risking. Let Trevor Davis out of the doghouse, for heaven’s sake, and put him back on punts.

• I thought Morgan Burnett had a very nice game, too. In addition to his early fumble recovery, he led the team in tackles and notched a QB hit, as well.

• Oh my gosh, we might have a real NFL running back in Christine (pronounced “Kristen,” remember) Michael! His game was nothing to write home about, but he showed some nice burst and didn’t fall down immediately upon contact!

• Texans linebacker Whitney Mercilus still has the best name for a defender.

• Jim Nantz and Phil Simms passive-aggressively fighting with each other through their commentary is my favorite. You can just tell when Jim Nantz has reached his limit and can’t take Simms’ wildly inaccurate commentary anymore, so he just starts subtly listing statistics that disprove everything Simms is saying.

• A round of applause for Julius Peppers, whose sack of Brock Osweiler Sunday earned him fifth place all-time in NFL history with 142.5 career sacks. Very impressive, Ju-Ju. (True story: I once met an adult man named Julius who introduced himself with “...but you can call me Ju-Ju.”)

• Players who recover onside kicks look like Gus-Gus from Cinderella. 

• Oof. Cam Newton did not start for the Carolina Panthers’ Sunday night game against the Seattle Seahawks due to disciplinary reasons. Carolina’s backup QB, Derek Anderson, took the game’s first snap…and threw an interception 18 yards from his own goal line. The benching was due to a dress code violation -- Cam reportedly did not wear a tie. I’m all for dress codes and punishments, but if you’re going to bench your quarterback for a drive, maybe start with some runs instead of a pass.

• Here’s Nick Fairley swatting at his ex-teammate’s face after a QB hit. You can’t take the player out of Detroit Lions, but not the Detroit Lions out of the player.

Nick Fairley smacked Matthew Stafford IN THE FACE! IN THE FAAAAAAAACE https://t.co/2nUmYKH46c pic.twitter.com/PHaRVbI1w4

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) December 4, 2016

• You know how I said I like Kirk Cousins because he’s kind of a goofball? During a media session this week, Cousins got on the topic of his love for Broadway musicals. And here’s an adorably awkward video of him performing in high school. He’s good!

• Thanks for nothing, New Orleans. For the last 60 home games, Drew Brees has thrown a touchdown, but decide to give that up this Sunday when he played the Detroit Lions, who I really needed to lose. Not only did Brees not throw a touchdown in the Saints 28-13 loss, but he threw three interceptions! It’s also the first game of the season in which the Lions were not trailing in the final two minutes.

• And the Saints were wearing their baby-diarrhea-colored pants again. That’s probably why they lost.

• Tampa Bay receiver Cecil Shorts, whom I love for being named like an Oscar Wilde character, dislocated his knee, tore his ACL, tore his MCL, and tore his PCL on Sunday. That sounds just dreadful! Here’s wishing you a speedy recovery, Cecil. :’(

• I have to wonder what former Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Trent Green was thinking when he decided to take his team picture while wearing a mock turtleneck. He obviously wasn’t thinking long-term. That’s the picture that they’re going to show of you on TV for all time to come. 

• Aww, isn’t Von Miller sweet? The Denver Bronco’s defensive terror sent a bottle of wine to every single one of his AFC West opponents -- including the practice squaders! -- to say, “Thank you for helping to make our game great!”

• Eric Berry!!! The Kansas City Chiefs defensive back had a pick-six on Sunday, and it wasn’t even his best play of the game. That would be the pick-two he scored to win the game. And the game was played in his hometown of Atlanta, just a few miles from where he received chemotherapy last year. This game is going to be the emotional climax in the Disney movie that will be inevitably be made of the cancer survivor’s story. (Except that in the movie, it’ll be the Super Bowl, but Berry plays for the Chiefs, so that part will have to stay fictional.) Top it all off with the tear-jerking scene of Berry handing the ball to his mom in the stands.

• So, to recap: the Atlanta Falcons were down five points to the Chiefs, scored a touchdown, and lost. Here’s how that happened: Atlanta was down 27-22, then scored a touchdown to go up 28-27, and they decided to go for two, which makes sense. Unfortunately for them, Berry picked off the two-point conversion and ran it all the way back for the Chiefs to take the lead 29-27! And that was the final score. I can’t believe we’ve seen two game-winning two-point conversions by defenses this season!

• AAARRRGGGHH! The Dallas Cowboys pulled out a win on Thursday night against the Minnesota Vikings, aided largely by a missed call. Down eight points, Minnesota scored with just 25 seconds left, and needed a two-point conversion to tie. The conversion was incomplete, but there was an OBVIOUS roughing-the-passer penalty (can't hit the QB's head or neck area) that was not called that should have given the Vikings another chance.

Gah! Ref! Ref! Don't you see that?!?

• AAARRGGGHHH! And I’m still surrounded by Cowboys fans.

• Goodness gracious, Buffalo Bills, how did you lose?? When I saw the Bills up on the Oakland Raiders 24-9 halfway through the third quarter, I didn’t bother checking back in on the game. Imagine my surprise -- and probably Buffalo’s fans’ too -- when I saw the final was 38-24, Raiders! How do you allow 29 straight points in a quarter and a half?

• The San Francisco’s 49ers received a 15-yard penalty for excessively celebrating a touchdown … that was called back. That was one of San Fran’s less embarrassing moments on Sunday. Here are some of the more embarrassing:
• The 49ers had six passing yards. As in 1-2-3-4-5-6.

Here's a screenshot because you obviously thought I was lying. 

• They had fewer than half the total yards of the Chicago Bears, who had won two games before Sunday. It’s not like the Bears played well, either. They, too, were disastrous.
• They didn’t have any turnovers, which sounds like a good thing, but how do lose 20-6 and play that poorly and gain so few yards without turnovers as an excuse?
• San Francisco had 17 times more penalty yards (106) than they did passing yards.
• Most damning of all, the Niners chose to punt from the Bears’ 31-yard line!!

• Seriously, what was Kelly thinking punting from the Bears’ 31? That’s almost the redzone. And yes, it was snowing, but how little faith do you have in your kicker to punt instead of kick in that situation? Why are you even on the field if you’re not going to compete? Why not just forfeit the game?  

• Elsewhere in the silly 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalties file, the Oakland punter managed to get one on Sunday following a roughing the punter call against the Buffalo Bills. Apparently Marquette King was just too excited about the call to resist picking up the flag and dancing.

• After the game, King took to Twitter to identify whose fault the flag really was.

• King is giving the Colts’ Pat McAfee a run for the Most Entertaining Punter title.

There's no one like @PatMcAfeeShow 😂#INDvsNYJ pic.twitter.com/TYdr9zPeoT

— NFL (@NFL) December 6, 2016

• Here are some fun, odd, and sad stats from the week:

• The Carolina Panthers have never had consecutive winning seasons, and Sunday night’s loss ensures that they won’t be wiping away that statistic this season.

• For the first time in 130 games, Dallas tight end Jason Witten did not have a catch.

• On Thursday, Dez Bryant tied Cowboys’ great Michael Irvin for second in receiving touchdowns in franchise history. It took Bryant 66 fewer games to do so. Wow!

• Here's the probability chart for winning the NFC North throughout Sunday's games. I looked and looked and could only see three teams at first.

Considering that Green Bay's hovering just above 25%,
I probably shouldn't be snickering, but I can't help it.

So. Many. Emotions.

• The first emotion was just straight-up fear. I woke up in a cold sweat several times this week at the thought of Ladarius Gunter guarding Julio Jones. The last time he played the Green Bay Packers, Jones put up 259 yards, and Gunter has struggled this season, to put it gently. But Gunter played pretty solid, so go you, Ladarius. (It helped that Jones was hobbled for much of the game. It helped a lot.)

• Next, there was despair when I read that not only were the Packers going to be without their top three cornerbacks (Sam Shields is out with a concussion, probably for life. Quinten Rollins and Damarious Randall are both out with groin injury, and Randall just had surgery, so he’s not going to be back any time soon), but Clay Matthews was also out with a hamstring. (Yes, another hamstring injury. Packer fans need to accept that Matthews will never play a 16-game season.) Not only were they without their top (only) two running backs, but they would also be without their wide receiver they’ve been using as a running back, Ty Montgomery (out with an “illness,” which is believed to be related to sickle cell trait). Oh, and their number-two receiver, Randall Cobb. (I’ll give you one guess what his injury is. Yep, hamstring. COME ON.) Oh, and the Atlanta Falcons have the top-rated offense in the league.

• Then, there was definitely a feeling of hope. Three touchdowns on their first three drives! All right! Way to go, Pack! 

• Replaced quickly by stoicism. Don’t get your hopes up too much. It’s still early and they have Julio Jones and Matt Ryan and we have so many injuries.

• By the second half, I was pretty proud of my boys. They were right in it, playing really well, despite all the starters in street clothes. Players like Trevor Davis and Geronimo Allison stepped up. Davis had a 55-yard punt return, as well as a touchdown. Allison, whom the Packers had cut after training camp because they had so many receivers, was just re-signed this week, played in his first NFL game, and scored a touchdown! Yay, Geronimo! 

• With about three minutes left, the disappointment started to swell in my breast. There hadn’t been an overabundance of defense in the game, and you could tell that it was probably going to come down to whoever had the ball last, and it was becoming increasingly clear that Atlanta was going to have the last real shot. 

• The dull disappointment was tough enough, but it was made much worse by stabbing pangs of near jubilation when Green Bay had not one, but two dropped interceptions on the Falcons’ last drive. If only!!!!!!!! Siiigh.

• There was also anger: WHY WAS JAKE RYAN COVERING A WIDE RECEIVER ON THE GAME-WINNING SCORE? 



Does this 6'2", 240 lb white linebacker look like someone who should be
covering a top receiver in the endzone on a fourth-quarter drive??  NO!

• Final feeling? Sad, but still really proud of the Packers. See, they can’t have moral victories, but I can, on their behalf. Whether they lose by one or 20, it goes down as an L, but I’ll remember their valiant effort.

• Aaron Rodgers had a nice game: 28/38 for 246 yards, four touchdowns, and no turnovers. He played well enough to earn this yatchy headline from ESPN:

• The Packers certainly lucked out with the injury to Julio Jones, who racked up 259 yards last time he played Green Bay and had a 300-yard game earlier this season. Jones was limited to just three catches for 29 yards on Sunday, but Taylor Gabriel stepped up to provide the ridiculous highlight touchdown on this impeccable Matt Ryan throw. I mean, seriously, if he had closed his eyes and put his arms out, he still would have caught that touchdown.

• I like how Gabriel got up and started pointing to his name on the back of the jersey. First of all, that's a d-bag-y thing for anyone to do anytime, but he didn't have to do anything on that touchdown!! It was all Matt Ryan. I wonder how Atlanta's QB felt watching Gabriel celebrate.

• Stop acting like Jordy is dead, announcers and commenters. Yes, he had a quiet week against the Bears, but the guy had 5 touchdowns in his first four weeks before adding another on Sunday. He hasn’t exactly been a ghost.

• Blake Martinez is going to have to tackle better than he did this week.

• So much for Knile Davis. He played a total of 13 snaps in the two weeks he was with the Packers before they released him Monday. Umm, okay, interesting coming off a game where Aaron Rodgers was the leading rusher with 60 yards. Running backs are totally overrated in the NFL anyway, right?

• Okay, you all know how I feel about Ryan Fitzpatrick, and I’m trying really hard not to turn my back on him, but he has put up some of the most atrocious stats. In Sunday’s win over the Cleveland Browns, Fitz only completed 3 of his first 14 possessions. But no interceptions! And at least he knows he’s stinking it up. Said Ryan, “I think the biggest thing is I haven't played well.I think that's where it starts.” Um, yeah, sweetie, you have the lowest completion rate in the league and have turned the ball over at more than double the rate you’ve throw touchdowns.

• Luckily for Fitzpatrick, he was playing against the Cleveland Browns. The city of Cleveland may be about to win their second title of the year, but they’ll always have the Browns to drag them down. The ineptitude even extends to the fans, the long-suffering Dawg Pound.

Sigh. This is just such a Cleveland Browns fans' sign,

• LeBron James is not NFL-related, but his commercial aired during the game, so close enough. Nike has a “Come Out of Nowhere” commercial/campaign with James, and I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of James “coming out of nowhere” when they televised his high school games on ESPN!! You can't claim to come out of nowhere when you were literally the most anticipated athlete in sports history.

• Is there a tight end in the league who isn’t described by announcers as a “security blanket” for his quarterback? Maybe that should be the official position for Jason Witten.

• Speaking of that big fink, Witten scored the winning touchdown in the Dallas Cowboys’ overtime victory over the division rival Philadelphia Eagles. The game pitted two rookie quarterbacks who have exceeded expectations against each other in Dak Prescott and Carson Wentz. I’m always disappointed when the Cowboys win, but I was especially disappointed on Sunday night because Prescott threw a redzone interception late in the first half, and if that had ended up costing them the game, the quarterback controversy would be revived and Jerry Jones would say something stupid and the Cowboys fans would revolt and the team would collapse, as is there destiny. Alas, we’ll have to wait a few more weeks, since Tony Romo is not yet ready, plus Prescott will walk all over the Browns next week.

Like so many seasons before, this man will be the undoing of the Cowboys.

• Have to give props for the Cowboys’ fake punt on 4th-and-8 from their own 27 late in the third! That call takes guts. And props to the punter’s speed.

• You might have expected Eagles players to be beating themselves up over the tough lost, but you’d be wrong, at least when it comes to wide receiver Nelson Agholor. Agholor had a big drop on a third down on Philly’s opening drive, which would have given them a first down inside the ten-yard line, but he isn’t one to dwell on his mistakes, apparently:

“I don't give a damn, man, that s--- is nothing ... No one is perfect. I don't look at no drops, or that type of s---. I'm tired of hearing that s---. It's just stupid … I dropped the first one. I didn't drop one after that. What does it matter? Because if we lose, then it's like we'll place blame on this person did this. No! As a team, we have a responsibility to win football games, and I get it, some plays could have helped. But there are still four quarters of football to be played, and we got to win. I don't got time for that no more. I got time to win football games, only. No statistics. No 'Who did this?' Win, that's all that matters.”

• Earl Thomas had a fumble recovery for a touchdown and celebrated by showing his affection for the official. Alas, the feeling was unrequited, and came with a 15-yard penalty.

• Last week, Drew Brees became the first quarterback in league history to have a hundred 300-yard games. That’s crazy! I don’t know why, but for some reason, I always forget just how good Brees is. Here’s a screenshot of all the NFL records he holds.

• I really hate to say this, but everyone once in a long, long while, Jay Cutler will say something that almost makes me like him. After coach John Fox hinted that Cutler would not reclaim his starting position from Brian Hoyer when Cutler’s sprained thumb healed, Hoyer went and broke his arm, vaulting Cutler back to first-string. When asked if he felt that he had Fox’s support, Cutler replied, “He doesn’t have a choice.”

To get the bad taste of saying something nice about Jay out
of my mouth, here's a picture of him getting sack.

• Hey, hey, the Carolina Panthers won a second game! 

• The Detroit Lions were kind enough to lose, keeping them behind Green Bay in the standings. PLUS in the shock of the week, the 1-6 Chicago Bears stomped on the 5-1 Minnesota Vikings! It was much more dominant than the 20-10 score indicated.

• I actually had pre-written the Bears-Vikings section bemoaning Chicago sucking so much and mocking Jay, but the Bears looked ... almost, like, good. The Vikings offensive line is a hot, hot mess, but even so, I thought they'd manage more than a field goal and a garbage-time touchdown against the Chicago Bears defense. If Minnesota ever wants to score, it looks like it's going to have to come from their defense or special teams.

"Please! Everybody just stop sacking our quarterback! Pleeeaaaasse!"

• And I definitely expected their defense to shut down the Bears, who put up 403 yards against the Vikes' vaunted defense. I guess Jay Cutler's triumphant return to the field was enough to spur the troops. Running back Jordan Howard had a very nice night, gaining 153 yards, 69 of which came from this run: 

• Sam Bradford has crazy eyes. I don’t think he blinked once during his pre-MNF sit-down with Jon Gruden. He probably looks like this because he's shell-shocked from being sacked so much.

Honestly, I think a little mascara would help.
(With the crazy eyes, not with the sacks.)

• I feel for linebacker Jamie Collins, who was traded from the New England Patriots to the Cleveland Browns this week. Talk about a reversal of fortune -- going from the best team with the best quarterback to the worst team with no quarterback.

• Eagles corner Jalen Mills looks like a moldy Chia pet.

• Speaking of New England, I seriously wonder if Tom Brady is going to lose a game this season. Granted, he’s played four fewer games this season, but the man has a 73% completion rate, 12 touchdowns, no interceptions, and a passer rating of 133.9, which is nearly 20 points higher than MVP-front runner Matt Ryan. Don’t piss off Tom Brady.

• I kinda like Carson Wentz because he’s got that whole aw-shucks country bumpkin thing going and seems pretty chill for all his early success. But I also like him because his “All Business” tie-straightening celebration is my favorite celebration.

• ANOTHER tie! Six days apart, no less! The Washington Redskins and Cincinnati Bengals, playing in London, ended up tying 27-27 in overtime. After scoring 54 points in regulation, both teams seemed to have run out of steam. Overtime possessions were an ugly punt, punt, missed field goal, fumble, downs. I’m sure neither team feels good about the game, but Washington should feel particularly bad -- they missed a 34-yard field goal in overtime that would have won the game and they forced a fumble on the Bengals’ next possession!

• Take note, Cubs fans:

• I never like to count chickens before they’re hatched, but I’ll just say I’m glad the Packers are playing the 3-5 Indianapolis Colts next week.