It All Comes Down to Next Week

• Aaaahhh!!! It all comes down to next Sunday night!! Green Bay kept their division title hopes in play with a 38-25 Christmas Eve victory over the Minnesota Vikings.

• Jordy Nelson continued to light it up on the field. He had 119 yards and two touchdowns … halfway through the second quarter.  He finished with 154 receiving yards. 

• Nelson and Aaron Rodgers now have the most quarterback-receiver touchdowns in Packers franchise history! Aaron also completed his 3,000th pass! Great job, boys!

• As awesome as Jordy was on Saturday, I did have one problem with him on Saturday: he knocked over a cameraman on a play, and didn’t even help him up!! 😲 Maybe he’s taken his new alter ego a little too far. That’s not the Sideline Ninja I know! 

• Perhaps the Minnesota defensive backs should have stuck to the game plan instead of deciding to do their own thing (for at least the first series). Typically, the Vikings’ DBs stay on their own sides of the field, but head coach Mike Zimmer wanted their top corner Xavier Rhodes to cover Jordy for the game. The DBs, however, did not like that call, and decided to do what they normally do. Said Rhodes: “Us as DBs felt like we could handle [Nelson]. That's how we felt as DBs, that we could stay on our side and cover him. In the beginning, we'd always played against them and played our sides, we never followed, so that's what we felt as DBs. That's what we went with."

Hmm, that statement is oddly absent of any regret or remorse.

• Did you know that Sam Bradford has the highest completion rate in the league this season?? I’m really happy for him because he’s clearly not the best at anything, so I’m glad he at least has this to hang his hat on.

• The Vikings’ plane skidding off the runway in Green Bay and getting stuck for five hours somehow seems like a metaphor for their futility in the state of Wisconsin. Actually, I think the plane debacle is the best thing that could have happened to them -- it gave them a flimsy excuse for getting owned by the Packers once again. SNAP!

• One of the many things I hate about the Minnesota Vikings is the asymmetry of the numbers on their jerseys. It’s ugly and there’s no reason for it.

Why only one pointy number??

• It wasn’t all bad for the Vikings. Receiver Adam Thielen had an absolutely monster game with 202 receiving yards (Packers secondary = eek!) and two touchdowns. As my brother said, it was a banner game for white receivers.

• In all honesty, if they weren’t the Minnesota Vikings, I’d have some compassion for a team that lost its starting quarterback in the preseason, mortgaged its future to trade for a middling quarterback, started 5-0, raised all of its perpetually depressed fans' hopes, was leveled by injuries, and then lost eight of its next 10 games to miss the postseason. But they are the Minnesota Vikings, so, no, I don’t feel bad for them. At least they’ll get a good draft pick, right?

• I need to go back and delete some of the previous posts this season where I fretted over Aaron Rodgers’ play. (Jk, he was really concerning.) In the last six games, Rodgers has completed 70% of his passes for 1,700 yards, 14 touchdowns and zero interceptions.

• Makinton Dorleant?? Who the devil is Makinton Dorleant?!? Apparently he’s a rookie corner for Green Bay, who was pressed into service when LaDarius Gunter left with an elbow injury. I kind of hope he gets good and starts playing more because I like saying "Makinton Dorleant."

• Davante Adams only had one big drop this week, so… improvement!!

• It was nice to see Clay Matthews making a mess of the Vikings’ offensive line. Matthews has been gutting through a bad shoulder injury and has been unusually quiet in the last few weeks, but had a couple of deflected passes and a strip sack.

• The Packers wisely sat Randall Cobb to rest his ankle. Hopefully, he’ll be ready to go next week. I missed seeing Green Eyes on the field, but here’s a video of him that I’ve been watching on a loop. *dreamy sigh*

.@rcobb18 wishing you a Merry Christmas! 🎄 pic.twitter.com/gLg2OBCajQ

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 26, 2016

• My head’s spinning from trying to figure out all the playoff permutations for the Packers to get the wild card. Let’s cut all that and just win next week! Here’s how Packers head coach Mike McCarthy ended his post-game presser: "We're planning on going to Detroit to win the division. Merry Christmas." Boom!

• The Cleveland Browns won a game! The Cleveland Browns won a game! A blocked field goal helped seal the Browns’ victory over the San Diego Chargers, the first Cleveland win in more than a calendar year.

Their fans, however, will not be winning any spelling bees.

• It was a very merry Christmas for Cleveland not just with the win, but the San Francisco 49ers’ win kept the Browns in position for the first pick in the 2017 draft. San Fran was down 14-7 to the Los Angeles Rams until Colin Kaepernick hit Rod Streater in the endzone for a score with 31 seconds left in the game. Instead of kicking the extra point to tie the game, the 1-13 Niners thought, “Eh, why not?” and went for the two-point attempt instead, which they converted for the win That’s the 2-13 Niners to you!

• Two quarterbacks broke their fibulas on Christmas Eve! I feel so bad for poor Marcus Mariota and Derek Carr. The Tennessee Titans were eliminated from playoff contention this week, so Mariota’s injury is less crushing to his team. Carr’s injury, however, is a devastating blow to the Oakland Raiders’ postseason hopes. They’ve already punched their ticket to the playoffs, but the up-and-comers’ success is due hugely to Carr’s fantastic play this season. He was even a trendy dark horse pick for MVP for much of the season. The Raiders can’t feel too optimistic about their chances with Matt McGloin at the helm.

"McGloin" is one of those names where I would keep my last name if I married him.

• The always super-positive Carr is in good spirits, at least.

• It’s been a wildly disappointing season for the 6-9 Carolina Panthers, but Greg Olsen has been one bright spot. On Sunday, Olsen became the first tight end in NFL history to have three consecutive seasons with 1,000 yards. (And before you ask, no, not even Anthony Gonzalez ever matched this feat.) Congrats, Greg! 

• Props to Kirk Cousins’ wife for her sartorial taste. Cousins’ wife, apparently, packs his bag for him each week and he just grabs it, so it was only after the game that he discovered that she had packed him a Christmas suit.

• He later donned the matching pants and tie. The real question is whose holiday suit is better, Kirk’s or Jordy’s?

• Normally when a team loses a game on a missed extra point, I feel at least a little twinge of sympathy, but on Saturday it happened to the Seattle Seahawks,so HAH! Down 31-18, the Seahawks finally woke up and scored a touchdown with a little under three minutes left in the game. The Cardinals did their best to keep Seattle in it by going three-and-out on the next possession, having a terrible punt, and committing a penalty on the punt. The Seahawks made quick work of the short field and scored a touchdown … but failed to take the lead by missing the extra point! The Cardinals got the ball back with 55 seconds and one timeout. A 29-yard throw to running back David Johnson helped put Arizona in field goal range, and as time expired, the Cardinals knocked down a 43-yard field goal for the win. HAH!

• The Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens played on Christmas and at stake was the AFC North division title and a trip to the playoffs. With 1:18 left, Pittsburgh was down three with two timeouts and 75 yards to go. The Steelers marched steadily down the field, picking up 6, 8, 10 yards at a clip and using both timeouts. With 14 seconds left, the Steelers spike the ball to stop the clock. They’re four yards away from a touchdown, but if they fail to get the touchdown, it’ll be very difficult for them all to get back to the line of scrimmage, lineup, and spike the ball to stop the clock to bring the field goal unit on, so they either have to score or throw it incomplete. Roethlisberger takes the snap, looks, throws it to -- who else? -- Antonio Brown at the two-yard line, and the Steelers have cast the die; they need to score on this play right now. The Ravens defense is all over Brown, with three defenders keeping him from the goal line, twisting his face mask, and yet, somehow, Brown keeps fighting and is able to reach his arms over the plane for the touchdown!! The Steelers win the division and the Ravens miss the playoffs.

• The Denver Broncos lost to the Kansas City Chiefs on Christmas night, meaning that neither of last year’s Super Bowl teams even made the playoffs this year, which is absolutely crazy to me!

• On Thursday night, Eli threw at least three interceptions for the 22nd time in his career, which is seven more times than anyone else has ever done it. And people still try to say he’s elite. Lolz.

• The second best part of every Eli interception is the succeeding Eli Manning Face.

• Thanks for the early presents, Eli.

• The first half score between the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys was 21-21. The second half score was 0-21. Yeesh, Detroit. I guess I’m glad Detroit lost (even if it did mean Dallas won), but I’m always wary of playing teams coming off of big losses since they so often seem to come out the next week with a little something extra to prove. And it’s not as if the Lions need any more motivation. And they’ll be at home. Eek! I’m so nervous! I can’t wait for next Sunday night for the Packers to take their rightful place atop the NFC North!!

• Hope you all had a very merry Christmas! Happy new year!

So. Many. Emotions.

• The first emotion was just straight-up fear. I woke up in a cold sweat several times this week at the thought of Ladarius Gunter guarding Julio Jones. The last time he played the Green Bay Packers, Jones put up 259 yards, and Gunter has struggled this season, to put it gently. But Gunter played pretty solid, so go you, Ladarius. (It helped that Jones was hobbled for much of the game. It helped a lot.)

• Next, there was despair when I read that not only were the Packers going to be without their top three cornerbacks (Sam Shields is out with a concussion, probably for life. Quinten Rollins and Damarious Randall are both out with groin injury, and Randall just had surgery, so he’s not going to be back any time soon), but Clay Matthews was also out with a hamstring. (Yes, another hamstring injury. Packer fans need to accept that Matthews will never play a 16-game season.) Not only were they without their top (only) two running backs, but they would also be without their wide receiver they’ve been using as a running back, Ty Montgomery (out with an “illness,” which is believed to be related to sickle cell trait). Oh, and their number-two receiver, Randall Cobb. (I’ll give you one guess what his injury is. Yep, hamstring. COME ON.) Oh, and the Atlanta Falcons have the top-rated offense in the league.

• Then, there was definitely a feeling of hope. Three touchdowns on their first three drives! All right! Way to go, Pack! 

• Replaced quickly by stoicism. Don’t get your hopes up too much. It’s still early and they have Julio Jones and Matt Ryan and we have so many injuries.

• By the second half, I was pretty proud of my boys. They were right in it, playing really well, despite all the starters in street clothes. Players like Trevor Davis and Geronimo Allison stepped up. Davis had a 55-yard punt return, as well as a touchdown. Allison, whom the Packers had cut after training camp because they had so many receivers, was just re-signed this week, played in his first NFL game, and scored a touchdown! Yay, Geronimo! 

• With about three minutes left, the disappointment started to swell in my breast. There hadn’t been an overabundance of defense in the game, and you could tell that it was probably going to come down to whoever had the ball last, and it was becoming increasingly clear that Atlanta was going to have the last real shot. 

• The dull disappointment was tough enough, but it was made much worse by stabbing pangs of near jubilation when Green Bay had not one, but two dropped interceptions on the Falcons’ last drive. If only!!!!!!!! Siiigh.

• There was also anger: WHY WAS JAKE RYAN COVERING A WIDE RECEIVER ON THE GAME-WINNING SCORE? 



Does this 6'2", 240 lb white linebacker look like someone who should be
covering a top receiver in the endzone on a fourth-quarter drive??  NO!

• Final feeling? Sad, but still really proud of the Packers. See, they can’t have moral victories, but I can, on their behalf. Whether they lose by one or 20, it goes down as an L, but I’ll remember their valiant effort.

• Aaron Rodgers had a nice game: 28/38 for 246 yards, four touchdowns, and no turnovers. He played well enough to earn this yatchy headline from ESPN:

• The Packers certainly lucked out with the injury to Julio Jones, who racked up 259 yards last time he played Green Bay and had a 300-yard game earlier this season. Jones was limited to just three catches for 29 yards on Sunday, but Taylor Gabriel stepped up to provide the ridiculous highlight touchdown on this impeccable Matt Ryan throw. I mean, seriously, if he had closed his eyes and put his arms out, he still would have caught that touchdown.

• I like how Gabriel got up and started pointing to his name on the back of the jersey. First of all, that's a d-bag-y thing for anyone to do anytime, but he didn't have to do anything on that touchdown!! It was all Matt Ryan. I wonder how Atlanta's QB felt watching Gabriel celebrate.

• Stop acting like Jordy is dead, announcers and commenters. Yes, he had a quiet week against the Bears, but the guy had 5 touchdowns in his first four weeks before adding another on Sunday. He hasn’t exactly been a ghost.

• Blake Martinez is going to have to tackle better than he did this week.

• So much for Knile Davis. He played a total of 13 snaps in the two weeks he was with the Packers before they released him Monday. Umm, okay, interesting coming off a game where Aaron Rodgers was the leading rusher with 60 yards. Running backs are totally overrated in the NFL anyway, right?

• Okay, you all know how I feel about Ryan Fitzpatrick, and I’m trying really hard not to turn my back on him, but he has put up some of the most atrocious stats. In Sunday’s win over the Cleveland Browns, Fitz only completed 3 of his first 14 possessions. But no interceptions! And at least he knows he’s stinking it up. Said Ryan, “I think the biggest thing is I haven't played well.I think that's where it starts.” Um, yeah, sweetie, you have the lowest completion rate in the league and have turned the ball over at more than double the rate you’ve throw touchdowns.

• Luckily for Fitzpatrick, he was playing against the Cleveland Browns. The city of Cleveland may be about to win their second title of the year, but they’ll always have the Browns to drag them down. The ineptitude even extends to the fans, the long-suffering Dawg Pound.

Sigh. This is just such a Cleveland Browns fans' sign,

• LeBron James is not NFL-related, but his commercial aired during the game, so close enough. Nike has a “Come Out of Nowhere” commercial/campaign with James, and I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of James “coming out of nowhere” when they televised his high school games on ESPN!! You can't claim to come out of nowhere when you were literally the most anticipated athlete in sports history.

• Is there a tight end in the league who isn’t described by announcers as a “security blanket” for his quarterback? Maybe that should be the official position for Jason Witten.

• Speaking of that big fink, Witten scored the winning touchdown in the Dallas Cowboys’ overtime victory over the division rival Philadelphia Eagles. The game pitted two rookie quarterbacks who have exceeded expectations against each other in Dak Prescott and Carson Wentz. I’m always disappointed when the Cowboys win, but I was especially disappointed on Sunday night because Prescott threw a redzone interception late in the first half, and if that had ended up costing them the game, the quarterback controversy would be revived and Jerry Jones would say something stupid and the Cowboys fans would revolt and the team would collapse, as is there destiny. Alas, we’ll have to wait a few more weeks, since Tony Romo is not yet ready, plus Prescott will walk all over the Browns next week.

Like so many seasons before, this man will be the undoing of the Cowboys.

• Have to give props for the Cowboys’ fake punt on 4th-and-8 from their own 27 late in the third! That call takes guts. And props to the punter’s speed.

• You might have expected Eagles players to be beating themselves up over the tough lost, but you’d be wrong, at least when it comes to wide receiver Nelson Agholor. Agholor had a big drop on a third down on Philly’s opening drive, which would have given them a first down inside the ten-yard line, but he isn’t one to dwell on his mistakes, apparently:

“I don't give a damn, man, that s--- is nothing ... No one is perfect. I don't look at no drops, or that type of s---. I'm tired of hearing that s---. It's just stupid … I dropped the first one. I didn't drop one after that. What does it matter? Because if we lose, then it's like we'll place blame on this person did this. No! As a team, we have a responsibility to win football games, and I get it, some plays could have helped. But there are still four quarters of football to be played, and we got to win. I don't got time for that no more. I got time to win football games, only. No statistics. No 'Who did this?' Win, that's all that matters.”

• Earl Thomas had a fumble recovery for a touchdown and celebrated by showing his affection for the official. Alas, the feeling was unrequited, and came with a 15-yard penalty.

• Last week, Drew Brees became the first quarterback in league history to have a hundred 300-yard games. That’s crazy! I don’t know why, but for some reason, I always forget just how good Brees is. Here’s a screenshot of all the NFL records he holds.

• I really hate to say this, but everyone once in a long, long while, Jay Cutler will say something that almost makes me like him. After coach John Fox hinted that Cutler would not reclaim his starting position from Brian Hoyer when Cutler’s sprained thumb healed, Hoyer went and broke his arm, vaulting Cutler back to first-string. When asked if he felt that he had Fox’s support, Cutler replied, “He doesn’t have a choice.”

To get the bad taste of saying something nice about Jay out
of my mouth, here's a picture of him getting sack.

• Hey, hey, the Carolina Panthers won a second game! 

• The Detroit Lions were kind enough to lose, keeping them behind Green Bay in the standings. PLUS in the shock of the week, the 1-6 Chicago Bears stomped on the 5-1 Minnesota Vikings! It was much more dominant than the 20-10 score indicated.

• I actually had pre-written the Bears-Vikings section bemoaning Chicago sucking so much and mocking Jay, but the Bears looked ... almost, like, good. The Vikings offensive line is a hot, hot mess, but even so, I thought they'd manage more than a field goal and a garbage-time touchdown against the Chicago Bears defense. If Minnesota ever wants to score, it looks like it's going to have to come from their defense or special teams.

"Please! Everybody just stop sacking our quarterback! Pleeeaaaasse!"

• And I definitely expected their defense to shut down the Bears, who put up 403 yards against the Vikes' vaunted defense. I guess Jay Cutler's triumphant return to the field was enough to spur the troops. Running back Jordan Howard had a very nice night, gaining 153 yards, 69 of which came from this run: 

• Sam Bradford has crazy eyes. I don’t think he blinked once during his pre-MNF sit-down with Jon Gruden. He probably looks like this because he's shell-shocked from being sacked so much.

Honestly, I think a little mascara would help.
(With the crazy eyes, not with the sacks.)

• I feel for linebacker Jamie Collins, who was traded from the New England Patriots to the Cleveland Browns this week. Talk about a reversal of fortune -- going from the best team with the best quarterback to the worst team with no quarterback.

• Eagles corner Jalen Mills looks like a moldy Chia pet.

• Speaking of New England, I seriously wonder if Tom Brady is going to lose a game this season. Granted, he’s played four fewer games this season, but the man has a 73% completion rate, 12 touchdowns, no interceptions, and a passer rating of 133.9, which is nearly 20 points higher than MVP-front runner Matt Ryan. Don’t piss off Tom Brady.

• I kinda like Carson Wentz because he’s got that whole aw-shucks country bumpkin thing going and seems pretty chill for all his early success. But I also like him because his “All Business” tie-straightening celebration is my favorite celebration.

• ANOTHER tie! Six days apart, no less! The Washington Redskins and Cincinnati Bengals, playing in London, ended up tying 27-27 in overtime. After scoring 54 points in regulation, both teams seemed to have run out of steam. Overtime possessions were an ugly punt, punt, missed field goal, fumble, downs. I’m sure neither team feels good about the game, but Washington should feel particularly bad -- they missed a 34-yard field goal in overtime that would have won the game and they forced a fumble on the Bengals’ next possession!

• Take note, Cubs fans:

• I never like to count chickens before they’re hatched, but I’ll just say I’m glad the Packers are playing the 3-5 Indianapolis Colts next week. 

Packers Score First in New Vikings Stadium

• Whatever, Minnesota can have silly opener win in their stupid, ugly new stadium. Don’t even care. At least Jordy had the first ever touchdown in the stadium. He’ll always have that.

• Minnesota pulled out the win 17-14, managing to keep the ball out of Aaron Rodgers’ hands at the end, so there was no chance for a Hail Mary. I’m not sure how likely it would have been; Green Bay struggled mightily in the passing game, averaging just 4.4 yards per pass (yuck) to Minnesota’s 7.3.

• Okay, so it turns out I was pretty much wrong about everything. I was most concerned about Green Bay’s run defense and felt fairly confident in their secondary and their offense. As it turns out, the run defense was pretty good, holding Minnesota to 30 yards on 22 carries! Meanwhile, the Packers offense, even with Nelson back on the field, looks worryingly similar to last year. They really need a third receiver and/or tight end to step up.

Someone please help them!

• That receiver will not be Davante Adams, apparently. I’m so done with him (still). Is he really the best third option? Really? Adams fumbled his first reception of the night, and I knew he was going to fumble that as soon as he tried to make a move. Thank God for Randall Cobb, coming up big with the forced fumble. Way to fight for that, Green Eyes.

• Minnesota’s secondary was struggling quite a bit, which should have meant a big night for the Green Bay passing game. Should have. Two weeks in, the Packers’ offense seems to be heavily reliant on penalties. It seems to be the only way they can move the ball.

• With five minutes left in the fourth quarter, down 10-7, Green Bay elected to go for it on 4th & 2 on the Minnesota 14. I absolutely love the call! Especially from Mike McCarthy, who has never met a fourth down he didn’t want to punt away. I was so glad -- until I saw James Starks in the backfield. Honestly, can someone tell me why you even bother having Eddie Lacy on your roster if you’re not using him on fourth-and-short? That’s everything he’s designed for!

You don't earn the nickname "The Hulk" to ride the bench in short yardage situations.

• While we’re on the question, why have James Starks on your roster at all?

• It can be difficult to determine if the quarterback or receiver’s at fault on an incompletion, but Rodgers sure looked off. A lot of overthrows, it seemed. Fans are just not used to seeing him miss throws that frequently. Plus, his Spidey-sense didn’t seem to be going off against the pressure -- he fumbled three times on Sunday night! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF MY QUARTERBACK ISN’T PERFECT.

Neither does Mike McCarthy, apparently.

• Speaking of fumbles, how bad are the Vikings at recovering fumbles? In their defense, a lot of luck is involved in recovering fumbles, but of the six fumbles, Minnesota only recovered two, one of which they immediately fumbled back to Green Bay. 

• The Packers defense really missed Sam Shields, who was out with a concussion. Maybe he could have done something -- anything -- to stop Stefon Diggs, who had nine receptions for 182 yards and a touchdown. That’s two more yards than the Packers’ passing offense.

• The only thing Diggs wasn’t ready for was his moment in the spotlight after the game.

• Diggs helped the newly-minted Vikings quarterback Sam Bradford have one of the best games of his career: 71% completion rate, 286 yards, two touchdowns, and a 121.2 passer rating. I still don’t know what to think about Bradford, though. I never know what to think of him. I almost never have to think him because he’s been injured, like, 50% of his career.

• Already down Shields, the Green Bay defense had a string of injuries: they lost Letroy Guion to a sprained MCL, Morgan Burnett to a hamstring injury (whaaa?!?), and Clay Matthews to an unspecified injury. Ruh roh. 

• The biggest injury news of the game was Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, who was unable to leave the field under his own power after tearing his meniscus. (Get better soon, AD!) Grossest-looking injury goes to Sam Bradford, who banged his non-throwing hand on a defender’s helmet. It looks like a watermark!

• Our new punter has not been exactly knocking it out of the park. It felt like the Packers were getting absolutely killed on field position. Minnesota downed five of seven punts inside the 20. The Packers did the same on just one of five. Tim Masthay’s still available, right?

"Just waiting, guys. Kept my uniform and everything."

• The Vikings acquired offensive guard Alex Boone in the offseason, and, boy, he sure knows how to sweet talk his new team’s fans. Regarding the crowd noise in the new stadium, Boone remarked, “We could barely hear the snap count today a couple times -- a couple false starts, because guys wouldn't know when the snap was going. I'm not saying it's the fans' fault, but I'm just saying it would be nice if they would shut the f--- up a little bit."  So glad you’re here, Alex!

• At least the Chicago Bears are in the basement of the NFC North, so not everything's backward. I am truly sorry that Jay Cutler got hurt, though. I hope he recovers fast.

• The Cleveland Browns’ luck is just … so … Cleveland Browns-y. After losing Robert Griffin III in his first game as a Brown last week, backup-then-starter-then-backup-now-starter Josh McCown suffered a shoulder injury. When Cleveland starts rookie Cody Kessler next week, they will be starting their fifth quarterback in their last five games.

• I promised you updates on Calvin Johnson performing on Dancing with the Stars. I love him! And he’s so sweet!

• No one needed another reason to dislike Tom Brady, but then it comes out that the man has never eaten a strawberry in his life. That means he’s never had a chocolate-covered strawberry. Or strawberry shortcake. Or strawberry jam. What kind of barbarian hasn’t had a strawberry? But then, THEN, Brady doubles-down and gets all defiant, saying he has “no desire” to try a strawberry.

Oh shut up, Tom. Just stop cheating and eat a strawberry.

• Speaking of the New England Patriots, things went from thin to thinner at quarterback. Handsome Jim suffered a shoulder injury in the first half after leading the Pats to a 24-0 lead over the pitiful Miami Dolphins. In stepped rookie third-stringer Jacoby Brissett. The Pats held off a Miami comeback behind Brissett, but now they’re facing a Thursday night game against the Houston Texans (eek) with one available quarterback.

• I want to write a weekly NFL Winners & Losers column that's literally just a list of which teams won and which teams lost.

• This has got to be a terrible feeling for a quarterback: the snap goes over your head, it’s bouncing around and you’re trying to chase it down, and the whole time,  you know that JJ Watt is probably about .002 seconds from destroying you.

• Brock Osweiler looks like the bland boyfriend/fiance of the heroine at the start of a movie whom we all know she’s not going to end up with.

Spoiler alert: she's going to end up with her best
friend, whom she never noticed before now.

• The Detroit Lions lost to the Tennessee Titans, 16-15, and they don’t have to look far for the reasons. The Lions racked up 17 penalties, 138 yards’ worth, including THREE touchdowns that were called back. Man, it must be tough to be a Lions fan. After years of embarrassing seasons, they finally get a super talented team that always looks to be on the cusp, but is always characterized by sloppiness, recklessness, and a lack of discipline that keeps them from ever getting to the top.

Oh and their best player in decades decided to retire early,
just like their last franchise player.

• The good news for the New York Giants is that the got the win over the New Orleans Saints, 16-13. The really distasteful part is that their kicker/wife-beater Josh Brown was the one to score the winning field goal.

"Why, yes, of course I remember the Ray Rice disaster. Why do you ask?"

• Greg Olsen is such a great weapon for Cam Newton. It always amazes me how the Chicago Bears traded him away. 

• Phil Simms was in midseason form on Sunday, and I highly recommend you read the Phil Simms Quote newsfeed from this weekend.

• If you wear this hat and neither tap dance nor sing a few barbershop standards with three other guys, you’re letting everyone down, Cam.

• The Los Angeles Rams got their first win, which I don’t care about, but it was over the Seattle Seahawks, which I definitely care about. =)

• Poor, cheating Seahawks coach Pete Carroll had a meltdown.

• Guess which quarterback has the longest active streak of games with a touchdown? No, no, just guess. C’mon. Fine -- Blaine Gabbert! I would have guessed at least 22 quarterbacks before I guessed Blaine.

• Ugh I hate the Oakland Raiders’ field! It always looks like they’re playing at the nearest local park they could find that was available.

"Okay guys, we have to be off the field by 5; there's a Little
League tournament tonight."

• A reporter asked Pittsburgh Steelers running back DeAngelo Williams a question that began with how Williams is more than just an insurance policy for the Steelers while starter Le'Veon Bell is out. Williams objected: “No! I am an insurance policy. I'm driving the car till L-Bell gets back. I'm trying to keep us in good position till he gets back. That's good with me. When I came here, I came here to win a Super Bowl. That's the only thing I care about.” Gotta love a teammate with that sort of humility.

• Jordy Nelson now has his own cereal, Jordy’s Farm Fresh Flakes. All my Wisconsin peeps, go out and buy ALL of these for me! Do I like cereal? No. Do I eat breakfast? No. Does it sound like a box of hay? Yes. Does any of that matter? No.

•  Next week, the Packers finally get to play at Lambeau. Bring on the Lions!