Cheaters Always Prosper

• So the cheating cheats from Cheatsville won again. How nice for them.

• The Atlanta Falcons. The Atlanta Falcons, man. They were up 28-3 late in the third quarter! They allowed three points the entire first half, then allowed 31 straight points to end the game!!! To them, I can only say:

• No, no, I really do feel for Falcons fans. That must have hurt a lot. Seriously, it finally felt like your year! Nine years after taking Matt Ryan with the #3 pick in the draft, five years after trading away almost two drafts’ worth of picks for Julio Jones, after years of watching the New Orleans Saints and Carolina Panthers make the playoffs, after years and years of being good but never really doing anything about it, you guys finally buckled down and took care of business. You marched through the season, steamrolling other teams to take your division. You earned your Wild Card bye. You dismissed the Seattle Seahawks without ceremony. You stomped on the Green Bay Packers. You made it, at last, to the Super Bowl. The entire country wanted you to win and had your back. You came out and knocked those reviled Patriots right in the mouth. You did this to their defense:

Taylor Gabriel is out here embarrassing people. https://t.co/1pPs9fxxId pic.twitter.com/YES0TfW5Kq

— SB Nation GIF (@SBNationGIF) February 6, 2017

• ...You got the rare Brady pick-six.

• ...You came out on fire and took a 25-point second-half lead. And then -- you -- after all that -- you just -- I’m sorry! I can’t!

• I just want you all to know that it was way worse for me because I KNEW THIS WAS COMING! Before the game, I thought Atlanta was going to win, but with about one minute left in the first half, with the Falcons up 21-0, I turned to my brother (he’s my witness!) in a panic and told him, “The Patriots are going to win!” He tried to soothe me, saying that Atlanta would score a bunch more points in the second half, but it was too late because I knew! I could feel it! I could feel the cliched articles being written. I could feel idiots across the country celebrating Brady “sticking it” to Roger Goodell. I could feel the “experience matters” tweets being prepared. I COULD FEEL IT AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP IT.

• Even as I cheered this absolutely incredible Julio Jones catch, my heart was ill at ease.

• Because, sure enough, the Patriots had to one-up Julio.

• There’s certainly blame enough to go around in Atlanta, but there were two HUGE plays that really cost the Falcons, and both saw a failure in protection. On a third-and-1 in the fourth quarter, Ryan dropped back to pass (even though running back Devonta Freeman had been averaging 8.2 yards a carry) and Freeman (maybe?) failed to pick up a rushing Dont'a Hightower, who sacked Ryan and forced a killer fumble midway through the fourth.

• The second absolutely brutal play came with Atlanta up 28-20 with 3:50 left in regulation on the New England 23-yard line. Atlanta could have just kicked a field goal and all but sealed the game right there! Instead, after losing a yard on a first-down run, Ryan was sacked for a loss of 12 yards, pushing the Falcons to the edge of their kicker’s range. (Really? 50 yards is his limit? In a dome? Whatever.) A holding penalty on the next snap snuffed out the field goal hopes and Atlanta was forced to punt to New England.

• I’m not sure who takes the blame there: the offensive line for allowing the sack? Matt Ryan for not throwing the ball away? The offensive coordinator for not just running the darn ball in a game where Atlanta had been gaining most of their offense on the ground?

• The last point is a huge issue the decision to pass got them sacked out of field goal range and the incompletions kept on stopping the clock. Not only did they come away with no points, but they gifted New England the extra time it so desperately needed!

• That Atlanta found its early success running rather than throwing was actually the biggest surprise to me. (Since I could feel the bile of dread rising in my throat the entire game, the comeback wasn’t that much of a surprise.) The box score doesn’t really reflect this -- Atlanta and New England somehow both finished with 104 rushing yards??? -- but the Falcons were killing the Patriots in the run game the entire first half.

• If I were a New England fan  -- well, if I were, I’d kill myself, but for the purpose of this football discussion, I’m going to continue the sentence -- I would have been horribly upset with the time management in the entire second half. Down three scores, the Patriots were still huddling up and moseying to the line. Things ended up working out for them, but they very well could have cost themselves the victory with their completely unhurried approach for the entire third and much of the fourth quarters.

• Why is Matt Ryan’s face so gaunt? Doesn’t he get enough food?

• Ugh this is all just so horrible! I’m so unhappy. The Patriots now have the most Super Bowl appearances. Tom Brady has the most Super Bowl wins among quarterbacks. Bill Belichick has the most Super Bowls for a coach. It’s all just so devastating. Because you know who are the only bigger ---------s than the New England Patriots players? Every single New England Patriots fan. 

• Next year’s Super Bowl will be held in Minneapolis. The Vikings have a dome, so lucky for the fans during the actual game, but have any of the people who made this decision ever actually been in Minnesota in February? The high today is 13 degrees. Without the windchill.

• This article features 51 facts about Super Bowl 51, and it numbers them all in Roman numerals, except for #50. Did they think we’d all get thrown by “L”? Or that we wouldn’t be able to piece it together from the 50 other context clues we had?

• I am soooooo sad about Teddy Bridgewater! The Minnesota Vikings’ QB blew out his knee in training camp this season, missing all of the 2016 season. Now, it’s being reported that he’s going to miss all of 2017 too, since the damage to his knee requires more than a year-and-a-half recovery period. Yes, of course, the Vikings are my mortal enemy, but how do you not feel bad for this kid? It would not be surprising for this injury to turn out to be career-ending, but I really, really hope that he’s able to come back in 2018 and play great. (Not too great, though. He is still a Viking.)

• Minnesota fans must be extra depressed since that means another season of Sam Bradford. Sam Bradford’s probably not too excited about it, either.

"Pleeaaassee! Somebody help me! This isn't about
the game anymore! I don't want to die!"

• The Pro Bowl was played, reportedly, though who knows because no one watched it. The final score was 20-13 AFC, which is really, really low considering that no defense was played. On that note, since the players don’t play defense, which I totally understand in the Pro Bowl, they should make it two-hand touch or something so that the offensive players have to actually try.

• Speaking of trying, one player in the Pro Bowl did try, and I absolutely love him for it. Kirk Cousins, who is a free agent looking for a big payday, threw a pass that was tipped and intercepted. The intecepter returned it a ways, then lateraled it to a teammate, who was headed for the endzone when my man Cousins chased him down and stripped the ball! Now, Cousins’ team did not recover the fumble and that was pretty much the end of the game, but STILL! How do you not appreciate that man’s effort?

• I watched the NFL Honors show so you didn’t have to. By far the best line of the night from host Keegan-Michael Key: “Dak and Zeke led the Dallas Cowboys to the NFC’s number one seed. And even though they’re both rookies, they looked like Cowboys veterans in the way they immediately lost in the playoffs.”  Hahahahahahaha it’s funny because it’s true.

• Key also got a zing in on Green Bay: “The playoffs got really great ratings this year. For instance, the NFC Championship was watched by 46 million people -- and the Packers’ secondary.”

• Can someone tell me why the BLEEP Jerral Jones was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame? Saying as, ya know, he never played in the NFL?

Maybe there'd be more room for guys like Terrell Owens if
we didn't include people who weren't in the NFL.

• The best part of the NFL Honors was Jordy Nelson winning Comeback Player of the Year!!

• Besides Packers winning, the other best part of these awards shows is getting to see Green Bay players all dressed up and looking dapper.

(I cropped out his fiancee.)

• Some clever fans introduced us to Sideline Ninja’s non-superhero alter ego: Nerdy Jelson!

• It was a roller coaster year for Green Bay. There were a lot of highs, but it eventually ended with disappointment. I feel good about 2017, though. It'll be our year! Till next season, Packers fans.

No Time to Gloat; On to Atlanta!

• Totally kidding. Of course there's time to gloat. That's what this entire post is going to be.

• When asked what he was thinking when the Dallas Cowboys tied the game with 35 seconds left, Aaron Rodgers responded: “A little too much time on the clock.” Hahahahahahaha! Sorry, Cowboys, not this year!

• AAAAAAHHHHHHH that was so stressful! And awesome! Any last-second Green Bay Packers victory in a playoff game is incredible, but it’s just so much sweeter that it came against the Cowboys. 

• I don’t even know where to start! Let’s start at the very end, with Mason Crosby nailing a 51-yarder for the victory. And just a few minutes after kicking a 56-yarder to take the lead. He actually had to kick the 51-yard field goal twice, as Dallas stupidly tried to ice him. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you don’t ice Mason Crosby. 

"I play games on the field, not up here."

• Here’s the kick set to “My Heart Will Go On.” Some funny people have realized that every sports moment sounds epic with this score in the background, and they’re right.

Condolences to the ever expanding Cowboys bandwagon. Packers bandwagon next week? (cc: @TitanicHoops) pic.twitter.com/qvrdoLKgKE

— Jessie Karangu 🇰🇪 (@JMKTV) January 16, 2017

• Let’s backtrack to that 35-second mark. Dallas has just tied it up, the Packers have the ball and two timeouts. I had been horribly nervous and upset in the fourth quarter as the Packers squandered their lead (I knew the Dallas comeback was coming, and I knew the Packers defense wasn’t going to be able to do much about it), but the crazy thing when Aaron Rodgers is your quarterback is that situations like these seem eminently doable. I knew we weren’t going to overtime. It was nice to have overtime as a fallback, but I knew we weren’t going to overtime. Even after the first incompletion. Even after Rodgers was sacked with 23 seconds left. Even after another incompletion. Then, with the clock down to 12 (COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT), Rodgers takes the snap, almost immediately spins left out of the pocket, buys time, buys time, and then hits tight end Jared Cook on this insane throw and catch!! This is about when I lost my mind. (Look at Rodgers on the replay trying to will Cook into keeping his toes in.)

• Cook has really been huge for the Packers. Having that big target really changes the way defenses have been covering the Packers, and it’s clear to see how Rodgers relies on him. On that last drive, every attempt was to Cook. Crazy what having an actual tight end can do, huh?

• Now that I’ve taken a veiled swipe at Richard Rodgers, I do have to give him props for his nice play on Green Bay’s first touchdown. On a free play, the ball actually went through the defender’s arms and Rodgers was still able to keep focus on it for the catch. Nice job.

• One of the thing that bothers me about R. Rodgers -- besides being super slow and klutzy and an embarrassingly bad blocker -- is that he always has a dopey grin on his face, even if he’s just messed up a huge play. He’s always smiling this odd dreamy smile. And I do mean always. Here he is on his touchdown reception:

Yep, still smiling.

• The Packers defense had a few rough spots -- and losing Morgan Burnett to a quad injury didn’t help (seriously, that’s bad news. We need him for Atlanta.) -- but they also had a bright spot or two. Defensive MVP of the game was clearly Micah Hyde, who had an early sack and a beautiful pass break-up in the first half. His best play, though, was this textbook read and interception off of Dak Prescott. He anticipated this so quickly that the ball’s almost behind him when he picks it off!

• It was fun to hear Hyde break down the play afterwards. He knew what was coming pre-snap, but didn’t want to leave the corner, LaDarius Gunter, out to dry if the Cowboys ended up adjusting -- Gunter would have been left to cover two receivers by himself. Gunter, however, saw the same thing pre-snap and knew what Hyde was thinking. He told Hyde, “Go get it.” And Micah did.

• I desperately missed my Jordy during the game, of course, but I was pleased to see his sideline prowess alive and well not only on Cook’s game-saving play, but with Green Eyes, too. (The full highlight is even more impressive.)

Perfect. #ToeDragSwag #GoPackGo #NFLPlayoffs pic.twitter.com/jqaSH7OXxr

— NFL (@NFL) January 15, 2017

• Aaron Rodgers threw his first interception in 318 passes on Sunday (only 17 passes off the record!), which is just madness. Another way to look at it? Aaron Rodgers threw 24 touchdowns in between interceptions. That’s as many touchdown passes as Dak Prescott threw all season. And that's no knock on Dak; just perspective on how good Rodgers has been.

• There were some low-key MVPs I would like to recognize.
• First, Aaron Rodgers not fumbling on that sack with 18 seconds left. No idea how he hung on. 

Lord, how did Rodgers not fumble that? pic.twitter.com/5AOuXlZiIY

— Scott Charlton (@Scott_Charlton) January 16, 2017

• Second, the sideline judge who overruled the head judge on the Cook catch.

• Finally, Jason Garrett/Dak Prescott for clocking the ball on a first down with 1:07 left, thereby wasting a down instead of using their timeout.

• I don’t like to kick a team when it’s down, but it’s the Dallas Cowboys we’re talking about, so you can sure bet I’m going to do it. The Cowboys played fantastic all season and should be credited for it. However, it seems that they benefitted from playing a lot of really bad teams, too. Below are the final season offensive rankings for all the teams the Cowboys played (by points scored). Aside from the Packers (who were certainly not #4 at the time they played) and the Steelers, none of the teams Dallas played are even in the top ten offensively. Just saying.
• 11-5 Giants – 26th (played twice, lost twice)
• 8-7-1 Redskins – 12th (played twice)
• 3-13 Bears – 28th
• 2-14 Niners – 27th
• 6-9-1 Bengals – 24th
• 10-6 Packers – 4th
• 7-9 Eagles -16th (played twice, lost once)
• 1-15 Browns – 31st
• 11-5 Steelers – 10th
• 8-8 Ravens – 21st 
• 8-8 Vikings – 23rd
• 9-7 Buccaneers – 18th
• 9-7 Lions – 20th 

• Man, what a game. It’s hard not to celebrate too much and revel in the salty, salty tears of all of the Cowboys’ bandwaggoning fans, but the Packers still have a lot of work to do. GO PACK GO!

👍👍 #GBvsDAL #GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/mSLCEQDGyM

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) January 16, 2017

• This space was to be used to talk about the New England Patriots-Houston Texans game, but one team’s quarterback is Tom Brady and the other’s is Brock Osweiler. How do you think it went? 

• The new Los Angeles Chargers’ logo is awful. It looks like a Chinese symbol meets an italicized hashtag meets a broken fence meets a corporation called “4A.”

They shall henceforth be known as the "4A Chargers." (At least to me.)

• Some people noticed a slight resmblance between the 4A Chargers’ logo and the Los Angeles Dodgers' logo.

• And other pro teams couldn't help piling on. (The Chargers eventually "clarified" that this isn't actually their new logo. Okay, sure.)

• I’ve spoken up before for Troy Aikman and Joe Buck -- I really do not understand why so many people hate them! They are so much better than absolutely everyone except for the Sunday Night Football crew. The vitriol toward them is especially weird coming from Packers fan, tens of thousands of whom have signed a petition to get Aikman and Buck banned from calling Packers game. Fans apparently think that the two are biased when it comes to Green Bay, and they’re absolutely right, because Aikman and Buck don’t even try to hide how much they love the Packers. Have either of them said a bad word about Aaron Rodgers? I mean, ever? Have they ever gone an entire game without congratulating Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy for their success? How often to they bring up the fans and the town and how unique the Green Bay team’s relationship with the community is? If other teams’ fans were signing that petition, that’d make sense, because they’re probably sick of hearing Aikman and Buck gush over the Packers. So bizarre.

• I really hate Pete Carroll. His teams are full of @$$holes and loudmouths. They’re dirty, cheap players and sore losers. The second the game gets out of hand for them, you can put money in the bank that they’re going to start taking cheapshots and trying to injure opponents. It’s one of their hallmarks, and given how consistent it is, I’ll lay the blame for that at the feet of the Robber Baron himself.

• Here’s Seattle defensive end Michael Bennett chewing out a reporter after the game who had the nerve to suggest that the Seahawks defense didn't get as much pressure on Atlanta QB Matt Ryan -- who threw for over 300 yards -- as they were perhaps hoping to:

• And here’s injured Seattle safety Earl Thomas going after a team they weren’t even playing:

• Keep in mind that the Seattle Seahawks play in the same division as the 2-14 San Francisco 49ers and the 4-12 Los Angeles Rams. Next best after Seattle was the 7-8 Arizona Cardinals. So why don’t you just focus on healing up, Earl?

• Despite the close 18-16 score in the Pittsburgh Steelers-Kansas City Chiefs game, the Steelers really controlled nearly the entire game by controlling the clock. The Chiefs had a 4:54 drive in the third quarter (resulted in a punt) and a final drive of 7:06 (resulted in a touchdown). Other than that, the Chiefs averaged less than two minutes per drive.

• About that last touchdown. Down eight with 2:43 left in the game, the Chiefs scored and elected to go for the two-point attempt to tie the game. And they made it!! Buuuuuut, the play was called back by a hold on the left tackle. The re-attempt failed and that was your final score: 18-16 Pittsburgh.

• As you might imagine, the Chiefs were not happy with the holding call. (I think it was the right call and no, I don’t think “a hold could be called on every play!” is a strong argument for not calling this one.) After the game, Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce went off on the ref, saying the call was "horse$#!+, flat-out" and "ignorance." He said the ref "shouldn’t be able to wear a zebra jersey ever again. He shouldn’t even be able to work at $#^%ing Foot Locker.”

• A couple of things for Kelce: 1) That was a hold, so quit complaining about the ref and saying James Harrison just fell down. The issue is you don’t think a hold should be called in that important of a situation. That’s different than saying the ref made up the call. 2) “We try to play this game with integrity,” Kelce says. Hmm, yes, tell me more about your integrity, Travis.

• I really don’t care about the Steelers or the Chiefs, and I do think the hold was a good call, but I also kinda feel like you don’t deserve to win if you can’t manage a single touchdown. I certainly don’t want to run down kickers after what Mason Crosby just did for my life, but all 18 of Pittsburgh’s points came off the leg of kicker Chris Boswell.

• The NFL is all about player safety, you know. That’s why they have independent neurologists right on the field to examine players after big hits and evaluate them for concussions. It’s really great for the players, like Chris Conley, who was put back in the game one play after taking this hit:

• I know that the Kansas City Chiefs were the technical favorites in the game, but c’mon, who’s afraid of the Kansas City Chiefs? They could go 16-0, and no one would ever even pick them to go to the Super Bowl.

• You know who I used to feel that way about? The Atlanta Falcons. For so many years, I’d be really impressed with Matt Ryan and the Falcons, only to have them goose-egg in a huge game or miss the playoffs in a weak division. So somewhere about two or three seasons ago, I told myself I was going to stop falling for Atlanta’s hey-look-we’re-a-contender routine because I’d just seen it one too many times before. I genuinely have felt bad for their fans for a while because it must suck to have a super talented team that you have absolutely no faith in. Even earlier this season, as they got blazing hot once again, I had to remind myself not to forget that they always disappoint:

• But now? Maybe now’s the season they finally figure it out? With Matt Ryan as the MVP frontrunner and an offense that scores more points than any other team, they’re looking, well, scary, to a team like Green Bay, whose glaring weakness is their pass defense. Matt Ryan’s probably looking at our defense like:

• Not so fast, Matty Ice. This means your defense has to go up against Aaron Rodgers.

• Atlanta may very well be the toughest matchup for Green Bay, but there are plenty of reasons to be optimistic about the game. Reasons #1-19 all rhyme with Taron Todgers, but our defense has also had some good moments throughout the year and have come up with big stops with games on the line. The Packers played the Falcons very, very close this year, losing a heartbreaker by one point, and the Packers are a much better team now than they were in Week 8. (The Falcons, for their part, didn’t have their #1 receiver for much of the game, but never mind that.) Green Bay’s best defense will probably be keeping their own offense on the field and keeping Ryan & Co. sidelined. It’ll be a tough game, but I BEEELIIIEEEVE!

• And there’s a chance we get this guy back.

*Swoon*

So. Many. Emotions.

• The first emotion was just straight-up fear. I woke up in a cold sweat several times this week at the thought of Ladarius Gunter guarding Julio Jones. The last time he played the Green Bay Packers, Jones put up 259 yards, and Gunter has struggled this season, to put it gently. But Gunter played pretty solid, so go you, Ladarius. (It helped that Jones was hobbled for much of the game. It helped a lot.)

• Next, there was despair when I read that not only were the Packers going to be without their top three cornerbacks (Sam Shields is out with a concussion, probably for life. Quinten Rollins and Damarious Randall are both out with groin injury, and Randall just had surgery, so he’s not going to be back any time soon), but Clay Matthews was also out with a hamstring. (Yes, another hamstring injury. Packer fans need to accept that Matthews will never play a 16-game season.) Not only were they without their top (only) two running backs, but they would also be without their wide receiver they’ve been using as a running back, Ty Montgomery (out with an “illness,” which is believed to be related to sickle cell trait). Oh, and their number-two receiver, Randall Cobb. (I’ll give you one guess what his injury is. Yep, hamstring. COME ON.) Oh, and the Atlanta Falcons have the top-rated offense in the league.

• Then, there was definitely a feeling of hope. Three touchdowns on their first three drives! All right! Way to go, Pack! 

• Replaced quickly by stoicism. Don’t get your hopes up too much. It’s still early and they have Julio Jones and Matt Ryan and we have so many injuries.

• By the second half, I was pretty proud of my boys. They were right in it, playing really well, despite all the starters in street clothes. Players like Trevor Davis and Geronimo Allison stepped up. Davis had a 55-yard punt return, as well as a touchdown. Allison, whom the Packers had cut after training camp because they had so many receivers, was just re-signed this week, played in his first NFL game, and scored a touchdown! Yay, Geronimo! 

• With about three minutes left, the disappointment started to swell in my breast. There hadn’t been an overabundance of defense in the game, and you could tell that it was probably going to come down to whoever had the ball last, and it was becoming increasingly clear that Atlanta was going to have the last real shot. 

• The dull disappointment was tough enough, but it was made much worse by stabbing pangs of near jubilation when Green Bay had not one, but two dropped interceptions on the Falcons’ last drive. If only!!!!!!!! Siiigh.

• There was also anger: WHY WAS JAKE RYAN COVERING A WIDE RECEIVER ON THE GAME-WINNING SCORE? 



Does this 6'2", 240 lb white linebacker look like someone who should be
covering a top receiver in the endzone on a fourth-quarter drive??  NO!

• Final feeling? Sad, but still really proud of the Packers. See, they can’t have moral victories, but I can, on their behalf. Whether they lose by one or 20, it goes down as an L, but I’ll remember their valiant effort.

• Aaron Rodgers had a nice game: 28/38 for 246 yards, four touchdowns, and no turnovers. He played well enough to earn this yatchy headline from ESPN:

• The Packers certainly lucked out with the injury to Julio Jones, who racked up 259 yards last time he played Green Bay and had a 300-yard game earlier this season. Jones was limited to just three catches for 29 yards on Sunday, but Taylor Gabriel stepped up to provide the ridiculous highlight touchdown on this impeccable Matt Ryan throw. I mean, seriously, if he had closed his eyes and put his arms out, he still would have caught that touchdown.

• I like how Gabriel got up and started pointing to his name on the back of the jersey. First of all, that's a d-bag-y thing for anyone to do anytime, but he didn't have to do anything on that touchdown!! It was all Matt Ryan. I wonder how Atlanta's QB felt watching Gabriel celebrate.

• Stop acting like Jordy is dead, announcers and commenters. Yes, he had a quiet week against the Bears, but the guy had 5 touchdowns in his first four weeks before adding another on Sunday. He hasn’t exactly been a ghost.

• Blake Martinez is going to have to tackle better than he did this week.

• So much for Knile Davis. He played a total of 13 snaps in the two weeks he was with the Packers before they released him Monday. Umm, okay, interesting coming off a game where Aaron Rodgers was the leading rusher with 60 yards. Running backs are totally overrated in the NFL anyway, right?

• Okay, you all know how I feel about Ryan Fitzpatrick, and I’m trying really hard not to turn my back on him, but he has put up some of the most atrocious stats. In Sunday’s win over the Cleveland Browns, Fitz only completed 3 of his first 14 possessions. But no interceptions! And at least he knows he’s stinking it up. Said Ryan, “I think the biggest thing is I haven't played well.I think that's where it starts.” Um, yeah, sweetie, you have the lowest completion rate in the league and have turned the ball over at more than double the rate you’ve throw touchdowns.

• Luckily for Fitzpatrick, he was playing against the Cleveland Browns. The city of Cleveland may be about to win their second title of the year, but they’ll always have the Browns to drag them down. The ineptitude even extends to the fans, the long-suffering Dawg Pound.

Sigh. This is just such a Cleveland Browns fans' sign,

• LeBron James is not NFL-related, but his commercial aired during the game, so close enough. Nike has a “Come Out of Nowhere” commercial/campaign with James, and I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of James “coming out of nowhere” when they televised his high school games on ESPN!! You can't claim to come out of nowhere when you were literally the most anticipated athlete in sports history.

• Is there a tight end in the league who isn’t described by announcers as a “security blanket” for his quarterback? Maybe that should be the official position for Jason Witten.

• Speaking of that big fink, Witten scored the winning touchdown in the Dallas Cowboys’ overtime victory over the division rival Philadelphia Eagles. The game pitted two rookie quarterbacks who have exceeded expectations against each other in Dak Prescott and Carson Wentz. I’m always disappointed when the Cowboys win, but I was especially disappointed on Sunday night because Prescott threw a redzone interception late in the first half, and if that had ended up costing them the game, the quarterback controversy would be revived and Jerry Jones would say something stupid and the Cowboys fans would revolt and the team would collapse, as is there destiny. Alas, we’ll have to wait a few more weeks, since Tony Romo is not yet ready, plus Prescott will walk all over the Browns next week.

Like so many seasons before, this man will be the undoing of the Cowboys.

• Have to give props for the Cowboys’ fake punt on 4th-and-8 from their own 27 late in the third! That call takes guts. And props to the punter’s speed.

• You might have expected Eagles players to be beating themselves up over the tough lost, but you’d be wrong, at least when it comes to wide receiver Nelson Agholor. Agholor had a big drop on a third down on Philly’s opening drive, which would have given them a first down inside the ten-yard line, but he isn’t one to dwell on his mistakes, apparently:

“I don't give a damn, man, that s--- is nothing ... No one is perfect. I don't look at no drops, or that type of s---. I'm tired of hearing that s---. It's just stupid … I dropped the first one. I didn't drop one after that. What does it matter? Because if we lose, then it's like we'll place blame on this person did this. No! As a team, we have a responsibility to win football games, and I get it, some plays could have helped. But there are still four quarters of football to be played, and we got to win. I don't got time for that no more. I got time to win football games, only. No statistics. No 'Who did this?' Win, that's all that matters.”

• Earl Thomas had a fumble recovery for a touchdown and celebrated by showing his affection for the official. Alas, the feeling was unrequited, and came with a 15-yard penalty.

• Last week, Drew Brees became the first quarterback in league history to have a hundred 300-yard games. That’s crazy! I don’t know why, but for some reason, I always forget just how good Brees is. Here’s a screenshot of all the NFL records he holds.

• I really hate to say this, but everyone once in a long, long while, Jay Cutler will say something that almost makes me like him. After coach John Fox hinted that Cutler would not reclaim his starting position from Brian Hoyer when Cutler’s sprained thumb healed, Hoyer went and broke his arm, vaulting Cutler back to first-string. When asked if he felt that he had Fox’s support, Cutler replied, “He doesn’t have a choice.”

To get the bad taste of saying something nice about Jay out
of my mouth, here's a picture of him getting sack.

• Hey, hey, the Carolina Panthers won a second game! 

• The Detroit Lions were kind enough to lose, keeping them behind Green Bay in the standings. PLUS in the shock of the week, the 1-6 Chicago Bears stomped on the 5-1 Minnesota Vikings! It was much more dominant than the 20-10 score indicated.

• I actually had pre-written the Bears-Vikings section bemoaning Chicago sucking so much and mocking Jay, but the Bears looked ... almost, like, good. The Vikings offensive line is a hot, hot mess, but even so, I thought they'd manage more than a field goal and a garbage-time touchdown against the Chicago Bears defense. If Minnesota ever wants to score, it looks like it's going to have to come from their defense or special teams.

"Please! Everybody just stop sacking our quarterback! Pleeeaaaasse!"

• And I definitely expected their defense to shut down the Bears, who put up 403 yards against the Vikes' vaunted defense. I guess Jay Cutler's triumphant return to the field was enough to spur the troops. Running back Jordan Howard had a very nice night, gaining 153 yards, 69 of which came from this run: 

• Sam Bradford has crazy eyes. I don’t think he blinked once during his pre-MNF sit-down with Jon Gruden. He probably looks like this because he's shell-shocked from being sacked so much.

Honestly, I think a little mascara would help.
(With the crazy eyes, not with the sacks.)

• I feel for linebacker Jamie Collins, who was traded from the New England Patriots to the Cleveland Browns this week. Talk about a reversal of fortune -- going from the best team with the best quarterback to the worst team with no quarterback.

• Eagles corner Jalen Mills looks like a moldy Chia pet.

• Speaking of New England, I seriously wonder if Tom Brady is going to lose a game this season. Granted, he’s played four fewer games this season, but the man has a 73% completion rate, 12 touchdowns, no interceptions, and a passer rating of 133.9, which is nearly 20 points higher than MVP-front runner Matt Ryan. Don’t piss off Tom Brady.

• I kinda like Carson Wentz because he’s got that whole aw-shucks country bumpkin thing going and seems pretty chill for all his early success. But I also like him because his “All Business” tie-straightening celebration is my favorite celebration.

• ANOTHER tie! Six days apart, no less! The Washington Redskins and Cincinnati Bengals, playing in London, ended up tying 27-27 in overtime. After scoring 54 points in regulation, both teams seemed to have run out of steam. Overtime possessions were an ugly punt, punt, missed field goal, fumble, downs. I’m sure neither team feels good about the game, but Washington should feel particularly bad -- they missed a 34-yard field goal in overtime that would have won the game and they forced a fumble on the Bengals’ next possession!

• Take note, Cubs fans:

• I never like to count chickens before they’re hatched, but I’ll just say I’m glad the Packers are playing the 3-5 Indianapolis Colts next week.