Conference Championships

• The weekend was pretty boring without the Green Bay Packers. There are going to have to be a lot of superfluous Jordy pictures in this post to keep my interest.

I couldn't be bothered to come up with a real title for this post.

• Both of the championship games were rather surprising. I definitely would not have picked the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning’s lifeless, noodle arm against the reigning champion New England Patriots. That said, I’m ECSTATIC the Pats lost!

• The dominant Denver defense made it a long and rough day for Tom Brady. The New England quarterback was sacked four times and hit 20 times!! Brady had 310 yards, but completed fewer than half is throws, and threw two interceptions. (Goodbye, offensive line coach.)

• The Broncos weren’t any easier on the run game. Tom Brady is not exactly known for his mobility but he led the entire Patriots team in rushing!

• The Denver offense was exactly lights out -- with only 244 TOTAL yards -- but they didn’t need to be. The defense carried them all the way to the Super Bowl.

• Poor New England kicker Stephen Gostkowski bore a lot of the blame for the two-point loss. He missed an extra point after New England scored in the first quarter, a miss that would force the Pats to go for two after their fourth-quarter touchdown, which they failed to convert. And there are your two points. Gostkowski has been one of the league’s best kickers in the league, and the miss ended a streak of 523 straight extra points made. Poor guy.

• You want to know what makes it even more painful for the Patriots? This screenschot that shows Rob Gronkowski open on the failed two-point conversion.

• Awww, look how cute Peyton Manning’s son is! He came with his dad to the post-game press conference, but got a little shy.

• I had to get off Twitter after the game to avoid the schmaltzy Brady-Manning tributes. They play football; let’s stop pretending that they’re Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant or something.

These two stout-hearted men haveth set upon the iron o' grid
in many a great engagement. Whither these great souls shall
meet again henceforth, we trust only the Almighty knoweth.

• Last week, New England Patriots backup linebacker (and Notre Dame grad!) Darius Fleming played with 22 stitches in his leg, which he got while rescuing a woman trapped in her car. There was a car accident that left the woman’s car without power, and she was unable to escape her car. Fleming kicked out the window and helped her out of the car. What a good guy! Way to go, Darius!

Rescuing a woman in distress is just the kind of thing Jordy would do!

• The Carolina Panthers-Arizona Cardinals game was painful to watch, so I’ll cut to the chase: Arizona quarterback Carson Palmer had six turnovers on the way to a 49-15 soul-crushing defeat.

• I have, have, have to think that Palmer’s injured index finger on his throwing hand played a part. He injured the finger in Week 15 against Green Bay, after which he had a terrible game against the Seattle Seahawks (lost 36-6), a not-very-good-until-the-freaking-fourth-quarter game against Green Bay last week, then the stinker this week. The guy had 11 interceptions and four fumbles through 16 games in the regular season, and four interceptions and two fumbles on Sunday alone! It just has to be the finger injury. I can’t fathom another reason why the number one offense in the league and the quarterback with the third highest passer rating in the regular season suddenly looked so terrible.

• Although I really wanted the Cardinals to win, it was hard not to be impressed by the Panthers. Look, for example, at Carolina receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. on this Cam Newton interception. The guy absolutely flies down the field to stop the pick from becoming a pick-six. (In fact, the Cardinals didn’t gain any points off the turnover because on the next possession, Carson Palmer -- you’ll never guess -- threw an interception.) Keep in mind as Ginn is streaking down almost the entire length of the field that his team was up 17 points at the time.

• With five-and-a-half minutes left in the game, up 34-15, Carolina scored another touchdown …. and decided to go for two. Perhaps it was because Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians had reportedly called Carolina the worse second-half team in the league at halftime, but I don’t really care what anyone said --  if you go for two when you’re up 25 points, your kicker’s foot better be broken, otherwise you guys are being @$%holes. Poor show.

• The Panthers suffered a couple of tough injuries. Safety Roman Harper left the game with an eye injury after a hit to the head. The safety has had Lasik eye surgery, and the hit caused the corneal flap over his eye to shift, temporarily obscuring his vision. Harper says the injury won’t keep him out of the Super Bowl, but still.

• Panthers linebacker Thomas Davis also says his injury won’t keep him out of the Super Bowl, except, I’m not totally sure about that because his injury is a broken arm. I totally understand wanting to play in the Super Bowl -- it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- and I admire his toughness,  but, uh, buddy, a broken arm is a really, really good reason to sit out a game that includes a lot of violent contact. I’m no doctor, but I would really strongly suggest cheering your team on from the safety of the sidelines.

• When asked what nickname he would give himself if he could, Carolina linebacker Luke Kuechly responded, “I don’t need a nickname. My name is Luke.” I think I’m going to go buy the mynameisluke.com domain and put a copyright on that same line for a book title (with a movie option) because that would be the coolest title ever.

My Name Is Luke™

• Kuechly’s pretty cool, right? So you can sorta understand this guy who really, really, really wanted to high-five Luke.

• I guess Carolina deserves to go to the Super Bowl, but I still feel really bad for Carson Palmer. He seems like such a nice guy. Seriously, watch this commercial of his and try to not like him.

• I like the above video, but really it was just an excuse to segue into Jordy’s own commercial. He’s so adorable! He’s a great dad, he spends his offseason farming, and he substitute taught with his new-found free time. (Those lucky third-grade bastards!) Isn’t he so awesome and sweet and manly and cool??

• Let’s just jump back a week and remember how Andy Reid titanicked the Kansas City Chiefs with his clock management late in the game. Remember how the Chiefs had the ball with 6:29 left, down two scores? And remember how, despite the previous sentence, they took 5 minutes and 16 seconds to score and refused to use their timeouts? And didn’t let the time crunch dissuade them from huddling on offense on the drive? And were essentially betting their postseason lives on recovering an onside kick? Well, after having a week to think on it, Andy Reid reiterated that the clock was “handled right” in the game.

• In Packer news, head coach Mike McCarthy had his season-ending press conference, and he didn’t pull any punches. He said what we were all thinking when he singled out Richard Rodgers and Davante Adams as players who “definitely need to step up.” But it was his comments on running back Eddie Lacy, who had weight issues all season, that caught the most attention: “Eddie Lacy has a lot of work to do. I think I’m stating the obvious. His offseason last season was not good enough. He has to get it done. He cannot play at the weight he did this year.”

Unless...

• There are also rumors that McCarthy is “fed up” with Ted Thompson’s extreme reluctance to sign free agents. This has long been a bone of contention for impatient Packers fans who disagree with Thompson’s rigid adherence to a draft-and-develop philosophy. Now, I understand the frustration when Green Bay has a crying need and they do nothing about it. But free agency is crapshoot with low odds. The players worth getting usually require overpaying, and the ones that don’t require overpaying … well, they’re free agents because other teams don’t want them. The Indianapolis Colts are a prime example. They were listed as early “winners” in the offseason, but few, if any, of their signings worked out. Here’s an excerpt from Bill Barnwell’s NFL teams’ Christmas wish lists article:

• Indianapolis Colts: Store credit or a full refund for Ryan Grigson's veteran shopping spree. Andre Johnson's 418 receiving yards are good for 97th in the league. Trent Cole has just three sacks. Frank Gore is averaging 3.6 yards per rushing attempt, the worst figure he has posted by a full half-yard over a professional season. And Todd Herremans lost his starting job after two games. Kendall Langford's snaps as a decent two-way defensive end might represent the best move Grigson made this offseason.

• Another example: Vernon Davis. The Packers, completely devoid of a reliable tight end -- Richard Rodgers was our #1, for Pete’s sake -- looked to be a reasonable landing place for Davis after he was released by the 49ers. Many Green Bay fans expressed frustration when Davis was snatched up by the Broncos. However, in 10 regular season games with Denver, Davis had 20 catches, 90 yards, and zero touchdowns. In his last four games, including two playoff games, Davis has zero catches. It’s not fun or exciting, but I do tend to see things Thompson’s way as far as free agency goes.

• Speaking of free agents, it looks likely that the Packers will let free agent cornerback Casey Hayward leave this summer, which makes me very sad. I love Casey, but the team has too much talent at cornerback, including two impressive rookies in Quinten Rollins and Damarious Randall. In fact, of all rookie corners, Rollins was top in opposing quarterbacks’ ratings. Yay, Q!  Way to go!

This gif is from Power Rangers. I didn't have to look that up or anything.
I just recognized them on sight. Pink Ranger, Blue Ranger, Green Ranger. 

• By the way, did we already talk about how amazing it is that Rollins only ever played one year of football in college?? That’s crazy! He was a basketball star at Miami, played one season of football, was named the MAC defensive player of the year, and then was drafted in the second round of the NFL draft.

• The most outrageous thing I read this week was Jordy Nelson telling the story of how his future wife dumped him when they were in seventh grade. What could she have been thinking? Did she think she could do better?? Did she not see the future Sideline Ninja in him? Was she so convinced that she could get him back? What! what could have made her do something so foolish? SHE NEVER DESERVED HIM!

That Was Very Bad

• Look, I knew things were going to be ugly when the Green Bay Packers were playing against the number one offense in the league and a top-five defense, but that was way worse than what I was fearing. The Arizona Cardinals had twice as many yards, and the Packers managed just 2.8 yards per play and were a dreadful 5-for-17 on third down conversions. The Arizona defense outscored the Green Bay offense.

You can tell by Aaron's expression that he saw this
coming pre-snap and had just resigned himself to it.

• Worst of all was the turnovers. Previously one of the best teams in the league at protecting the ball, Green Bay turned it over four times. In the first 14 games of the season, the Packers allowed just 24 points off of their turnovers; on Sunday, they allowed 28 points.

• Aaron Rodgers took eight sacks in the game behind a woeful offensive line. Green Bay’s line has been dealing with injuries all year. Left tackle David Bakhtiari was out for the game, meaning Don Barclay was in, so Rodgers should have known he was in for a beating. (Barclay was responsible for four of the sacks and God knows how many quarterback hits.)

"Hmm, it's funny that I don't have anyone to block. Maybe they
dropped extra guys into coverage. I'll keep my post, though. After all,
it's my job to protect Aaron, and he's counting on me."

• Things got a lot worse when right tackle Bryan Bulaga left the game with an injury. Backup/turnstile Josh Walker replaced Bulaga, but he was so bad that they had to play their backup center JC Tretter at right tackle. For 90% of the game, coach Mike McCarthy refused to give his offensive line help. By the time he eventually did put a tight end on the line, it had all the effect of bailing water on the Titanic.

"Heh heh, oops. My bad. Again."

• In McCarthy’s defense, when much of the problem is your receivers’ inability to get open, I can understand not wanting to take a receiving option out of the field of play.

"Please, Mr. Freeney, sir, don't hurt me. I promise
I won't try to stop you; just don't hurt me!"

• With the game quickly out of reach and Rodgers was getting assaulted nearly every snap, I kept on praying that McCarthy would pull Rodgers and put in backup Scott Tolzien. It then occurred to me that it must kind of suck to be a backup quarterback: “Hey, our starting quarterback is getting creamed by defenders every single play. He’s too valuable; you go take the hits instead.”

"Uhhh, this doesn't seem very fair, guys."

• James Starks shouldn’t be allowed to touch the ball again, not after he fumbled yet again on Sunday. Davante Adams, too, should be black-balled. I just have no faith left in him. The only thing he’s consistent at is dropping touchdowns.

• Captains Josh Sitton and Casey Hayward look like they somehow looked into the future and saw exactly how the game was going to go.

They don't seem to have shared their knowledge with Joe Thomas, though.

• There’s not much to say about the defense. They seemed to have played fairly well against the top offense in the league. You can’t really judge their play when they’re put in a 28-0 hole by turnovers. Right guard Josh Sitton put it best when he said, “I’d be pissed off at us if I was our defense.”

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!"

• I’m worried about cornerback Sam Shields. He was inactive again this week, meaning he still hasn’t recovered from his concussion two weeks ago. It was a nasty concussion -- he slammed his head against the concrete ground on the sidelines -- and it’s always scary when they linger. I hope he’s okay.

• The best part of the game, by far, was the impressive and impressively loyal Packers fans at the game. Arizona was practicing a silent count at home prior to kickoff because of the amount of Green Bay fans. Even very, very late in the game, you could hear (drunken, I assume) “Go Pack Go” chants. Way to represent, fans.

• 95% of Joe Buck says, “Hey, I’m super cool. You can tell because I dress just like the super cool kids do.” But then his clear plastic old lady glasses say, “Excuse me, dear, could you read this for me? They make the writing so small on everything nowadays...”

• The Atlanta Falcons won their first division game of the year on Sunday … against the previously undefeated Carolina Panthers. I’m pleased that Carolina lost. One, because I think it’s always more fun and interesting when the top teams lose. Two, because I hold them responsible for this idiotic dabbing trend that won’t go away.

• In a 7-7 game against the Carolina Panthers, the Atlanta Falcons got the ball back with 1:38 left before halftime, 99 yards to go, three timeouts. They started with a quick first down to Julio Jones ... and didn’t take a timeout. Then they picked up six yards over the middle ... and didn’t take a timeout. Then they had a three-yard run … and didn’t take a timeout … and let the clock run out. Are we sure Mike Smith isn’t still coaching from the shadows? I mean, isn’t that exactly the situation for which a two-minute drill is designed?

• I guess those kind of decisions don’t matter much when you have JULIO JONES!!

• Look at the effort!

• I’m not really sure how, but the Kansas City Chiefs clinched a playoff berth on Sunday, even though the Denver Broncos -- who had not yet clinched a berth (they played on Monday) -- led the division.

The "x" denotes that the team has made the playoffs. I only
took this screenshot to prove that I'm not crazy.

• As I’ve mentioned, I’m a big Ryan Fitzpatrick fan, so even though I don’t like the New York Jets, I was really, really pleased to see them defeat the New England Patriots in overtime. (So was Fitzpatrick.) After winning the coin toss to begin overtime, New England chose to kick off rather than receive the ball, and watched the Jets march down field for the game-winning touchdown.

• Philadelphia Eagles left tackle Jason Peters took himself out of Saturday’s game against the Washington Redskins as soon as it was clear the Eagles were not going to win. While everyone can understand not wanting to get hurt for nothing, this is not a good look. It just seems like a guaranteed way make your teammates hate you.  

• My sorta-kinda-maybe belief in Kirk Cousins was validated when he threw for 365 yards, four touchdowns, and no interceptions against the Eagles to secure a spot in the playoffs for the Redskins. My sorta-kinda-maybe faith in him was shaken, however, when, with six seconds left before halftime, up six, on the six-yard line, he knelt down and ran out the clock when Washington could have kicked a gimme field goal. He seems to have thought the clock was still running (it wasn’t) and that he needed to spike the ball (he didn’t), but instead knelt and then tried to spike it after he kneeled. Not his finest moment.

No, no, Kirk! Put your thumb down!

• In Sunday night’s game between the Minnesota Vikings and the New York Giants, Minnesota had two more first downs that Giants, five more total yards than the Giants, and one yard fewer per play than the Giants, yet the won 49-17. Three Eli Manning interceptions will do that to you.

• The Oakland Raiders pulled out an overtime win against the San Diego Chargers on Thursday night, but it was ugly -- barely competent -- all around. This quote from the recap pretty much sums it up: “The Raiders won despite 16 penalties, including five on their overtime drive, and despite getting their only first down of the second half on a 3-yard touchdown drive.” Ew.

• I didn't watch the Detroit Lions-San Francisco game, so I have absolutely no idea what is going on here, but how did this play even happen? It hasn't even started...

• Miko Grimes, the, uh, outspoken wife of Miami Dolphins cornerback Brent Grimes was, once again, talking a lot of trash on Twitter about her husband’s teammates. Best known for her foul-mouthed Twitter rants and getting arrested before a game for headbutting a police officer, she is not one to shy away from expressing herself. Apparently, she is not a fan of quarterback Ryan Tannehill: “How many people does ryan tannehill have to get fired before you realize he’s the problem,” read one tweet. Another: “yall do realize that no legitimate coach will come here if he’s our qb, right? we’re screwed as long as he’s under center!” I’m sure her husband had a lot of fun walking into the locker room the next day. Thanks, babe!

• The Arizona Cardinals have a little weekly competition among the quarterbacks each week, and the loser has to wear something ridiculous, and, apparently, Carson Palmer was this week’s loser.

• The San Diego Chargers and safety Eric Weddle are going to part ways after nine years on a very sour note. Weddle and the Chargers have been unable to come to a contract agreement this season, setting up Weddle’s likely, but not guaranteed, exit. Two weeks ago, however, in San Diego’s final game in their stadium, Weddle skipped halftime (without informing his coaches) to watch his daughter dance in a special halftime performance. Weddle was fined $10,000 for this, but did not say anything because he didn’t want to air dirty laundry in public. This week, the Chargers put Weddle on the injured reserve list against Weddle’s wishes. Not only does that essentially end Weddle’s career with the Chargers, but they then told him there was no room for him on the team plane for next week’s game against the Denver Broncos -- Weddle’s last game with the team he has played with for nine years. It was after that move that Weddle’s agent tweeted about the halftime fine. It’s very sad for Weddle, and kind of ridiculous that the Chargers are ending his time with the team like this.

• St. Louis Rams defensive end Chris Long was caught on camera saying what looked to be some naughty words to the Seattle Seahawks crowd.

• But Long was able to explain what was really going on after the game.

• Awww here’s a sweet video about James Jones’ journey back to the Packers.  He and Jordy Nelson and their families are such good friends, that Jones’ wife felt bad that Jones was benefiting from Jordy’s injury, and Jordy told her, “If there had to be someone brought in because I’m hurt, who better to bring in than James?”

• The only, only silver lining to Coach Jordy’s absence is getting to see how good he looks in street clothes.

And he looks very, very good.