NFC North Champions! Again!

• The Green Bay Packers are NFC North champions for the fifth time in six years, and have now made the playoffs eight years in a row!

• The game started a bit lifelessly for both teams -- four consecutive punts and a missed field goal. There was probably a bit of an emotional letdown with both teams knowing that they were in the playoffs, regardless of outcome. Detroit came alive on a pretty two-minute drive just before the half to go up 14-7, but the Packers were able to drive up the field in the remaining 23 seconds and kick a field goal to cut the lead to four, then scored a touchdown on the opening drive of the second half. 

• The highlight of the game, of course, was Rodgers’ touchdown throw to Geronimo Allison. Early in the fourth quarter, up three, the Packers really need a score to get a bit of breathing room from the Lions. A steady march down the field brought the Packers to Detroit’s 10-yard line, facing a 3rd-and-9. Then, Aaron Rodgers happened. I try to tell my non-football fan friends that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback to ever play the game, but they all think I’m just some homer. They don’t get that no one else can do this. Bee-yoo-ti-ful.

• It was nice to see some role players step up big. That was Allison’s best game, with 91 yards and the above touchdown, and fullback Aaron Ripkowski led the team on the ground with 61 yards. Jared Cook hasn’t had any statistical out-of-this-world games, but it’s refreshing to actually have a tight end for the first time in years! Cook is such a fantastic third-down weapon. (And he finally made the playoffs after eight seasons! Yay!)

• People are trying to make Geronimo Allison’s nickname “G-Mo,” but you can’t give him a nickname that’s less cool than his real name. When your name is Geronimo, you don’t need a nickname.

His face is astoundingly skinny.

• I hate it when they have to pull out the backboard on the field. It’s so scary. Packers cornerback Quinten Rollins landed oddly on his neck/shoulder and was taken from the field to a local hospital. I hope he’s okay and it’s just precaution. The Packers do not have a great track record with terrible neck injuries. (Good news: Rollins was back in Green Bay and doing well after spending the night at a Detroit hospital.)

• Rollins’ injury made the paper-thin secondary even thinner. Demarious Randall was already out with a knee injury, and even backup-to-the-backups Makinton Dorleant was on the sideline, also with a knee injury. Someone named Marwin Evans came in at safety, and Morgan Burnett, Micah Hyde, and Kentrell Brice -- all safeties -- had to play corner.

• Detroit head coach Jim Caldwell’s mustache looks like he had glued on a fake mustache, then ripped it off, but the glue remained.

• Aaron Rodgers edged out Atlanta’s Matt Ryan to finish the season #1 in passing touchdowns. Jordy Nelson (who else?) finished #1 in receiving touchdowns. Davante Adams tied for #2 in receiving touchdowns. Has a team ever had the top TWO receivers in touchdown for a season? (Though this has a lot to do with the sorry state of our run game.)

No one cares about those other two guys.

• Detroit’s running back is Zach Zenner, who, as Al Michaels’ helpfully related, is the only player with the initials ZZ to ever play in the NFL. Much more unusual, he’s a white running back! Also, he kind of looks like Christopher Walken.

How is this man an NFL running back?

• Aahh look what someone who loves me sent me for Christmas!!

I'm never eating these; I'll just treasure them forever.

• Even though both teams knew before kickoff that they were playing in the postseason, it was still nice to send the Lions to the playoffs with a loss.

• Aqib Talib’s new year resolution should be to try to stop being such an @$$hole all the time. Here he is ripping a chain off from around Michael Crabtree’s neck. Here’s what Talib said after the game: "He's just been wearing that chain all year, man, it's just been growing on me. I said if he wears that chain in front of me, I'm going to snatch it off. So he wore it in front of me, so I had to snatch it off." Oh, okay, then. Perfectly reasonable explanation for your behavior.

• The Washington Redskins should be ashamed of themselves. They needed a win to get into the playoffs and they were facing the New York Giants, who had nothing to play for. And the Redskins came out and managed … 10 points total. With their season on the line, Washington scored zero points in the first half, gained only 248 total yards, and turned the ball over thrice. 

It'll be another interesting offseason for Cousins.

• I tend to stress out over Packers games, so I was relieved that the Redskins’ loss guaranteed a postseason slot for\Green Bay, but it did kind of ruin what was going to be a crazy good game.

• Tampa Bay running back Doug Martin, who was a surprise inactive last week, revealed that he has been suspended for four games for failing a PED test. He also announced that he won’t appeal and will enter a treatment facility to “receive the help I truly need.” The Bucs said they supported his decision to seek help and that “right now, he is working through issues that are much larger than the game of football.” Wait, I’m confused. I’m not trying to be flippant and I really hope he gets the help he’s seeking, but he failed a PED test, not a regular drug test, so he’s … addicted to PEDs??

• HOW was Ndamukong Suh not ejected for this??? He’s awful.

• Ugh is it any wonder that no one likes Richard Sherman? Three weeks ago, in their blowout victory over the Los Angeles Rams, the Seattle Seahawks, at the one-yard line, decided to pass the ball, and it was nearly intercepted. (You may recall that Seattle had some bad luck throwing the ball at the one-yard line in the Super Bowl they lost.) Sherman did not agree with the call and began screaming at offensive coordinator for Darrell Bevell and head coach Pete Carroll to express his disapproval with the play call. "We throw an interception at the one[-yard line]," Sherman said. "Luckily it went incomplete, and I wasn’t going to let them continue to do that." Oh no? I hope the head coach heard that his cornerback isn’t going to let him continue to call plays. By the way, they ran on the next play for no gain, then threw -- yes, from the one-yard line -- a touchdown on third down. Sherman’s sideline theatrics led to a meeting with Carroll during the week, and everything was declared good. Yet at his next news conference, Sherman said he had no regrets about his behavior on the sideline. Carroll expressed disappointment that Sherman did not apologize: “I thought he would. I thought he would more than he did.” The next week, a reporter continued to bring up the incident, which led to Sherman threatening to “ruin” the reporter’s career by having his credentials pulled. This week, Sherman decided to forgo his usual midweek presser from the podium, answering questions from his locker instead. When asked about his reasons for doing so, he reminded the media that “it’s a privilege to have me up there.” Oy. This is literally why everyone hates you, Richard.

No, YOU be quiet!

• So Carson Wentz bought all his offensive linemen custom Beretta shotguns. You know every one of these guys’ agents is probably pissed at Wentz and just holding their breath that their client doesn’t end up shooting himself (or someone else).

• In the final game of his career, Colts' defensive great Robert Mathis had a strip sack and fumble recovery. That’s a fun way to go out!

• Terry Bradshaw stirred the pot last week by going after Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin for seemingly no reason, saying Tomlin is a “a great cheerleader guy,” but “[not] a great coach at all.” I’ve always loved Tomlin for his no-nonsense attitude ever since his post-game interview after the Steelers’ Super Bowl loss to the Packers in which he completely shut down the reporter’s vain attempts to pull out a moral victory. (Tomlin was asked to assess his quarterback’s play in the Super Bowl: “It was a losing performance, just like mine.”) Tomlin responded to Bradshaw’s criticism in his typical fashion. He thought the comments were unprofessional, but went on to say, “I certainly don't think that my résumé to this point reads as great. But very few coaches' résumés read as that at this point. Guys like Bill [Belichick] in New England probably can say that, Pop [Gregg Popovich] down in San Antonio. I think the rest of us are just working stiffs, to be quite honest with you." See? How can you not love a coach like that?

• Minnesota quarterback Sam Bradford set the all-time completion percentage record in a season. 

• Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott have been amazing, no doubt, and one of them will win Rookie of the Year, deservedly. If I had a vote for ROY, though, I think I might have to give it to Kansas City’s Tyreek Hill. He had yet another punt return Sunday, outrunning the entire Chargers' special teams and stiff-arming his own blocker out of his way.

• What’s with the Philadelphia Eagles’ press conference room? Tony Romo looks like he’s in a one-man play.

I'll bet it's a sad play about a man who gives and gives his health
and life to his employer, only to be mistreated and
unceremoniously cast aside for a younger employee. I'd call it 9 Lives.

• Phil Simms is in postseason form.

• You’ve got to watch this with the sound on. Pittsburgh Steelers’ safety Mike Mitchell was beside himself when he got a flag for face-masking his opponent when he himself had been face-masked. He earnestly pleaded with the refs to consider his case. “PLEASE LOOK AT IT, SIR.”

• Here’s Eli Manning’s face when he realizes he’s going to be compared to Aaron Rodgers all week:

• Bring on the Giants!

Conference Championships

• The weekend was pretty boring without the Green Bay Packers. There are going to have to be a lot of superfluous Jordy pictures in this post to keep my interest.

I couldn't be bothered to come up with a real title for this post.

• Both of the championship games were rather surprising. I definitely would not have picked the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning’s lifeless, noodle arm against the reigning champion New England Patriots. That said, I’m ECSTATIC the Pats lost!

• The dominant Denver defense made it a long and rough day for Tom Brady. The New England quarterback was sacked four times and hit 20 times!! Brady had 310 yards, but completed fewer than half is throws, and threw two interceptions. (Goodbye, offensive line coach.)

• The Broncos weren’t any easier on the run game. Tom Brady is not exactly known for his mobility but he led the entire Patriots team in rushing!

• The Denver offense was exactly lights out -- with only 244 TOTAL yards -- but they didn’t need to be. The defense carried them all the way to the Super Bowl.

• Poor New England kicker Stephen Gostkowski bore a lot of the blame for the two-point loss. He missed an extra point after New England scored in the first quarter, a miss that would force the Pats to go for two after their fourth-quarter touchdown, which they failed to convert. And there are your two points. Gostkowski has been one of the league’s best kickers in the league, and the miss ended a streak of 523 straight extra points made. Poor guy.

• You want to know what makes it even more painful for the Patriots? This screenschot that shows Rob Gronkowski open on the failed two-point conversion.

• Awww, look how cute Peyton Manning’s son is! He came with his dad to the post-game press conference, but got a little shy.

• I had to get off Twitter after the game to avoid the schmaltzy Brady-Manning tributes. They play football; let’s stop pretending that they’re Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant or something.

These two stout-hearted men haveth set upon the iron o' grid
in many a great engagement. Whither these great souls shall
meet again henceforth, we trust only the Almighty knoweth.

• Last week, New England Patriots backup linebacker (and Notre Dame grad!) Darius Fleming played with 22 stitches in his leg, which he got while rescuing a woman trapped in her car. There was a car accident that left the woman’s car without power, and she was unable to escape her car. Fleming kicked out the window and helped her out of the car. What a good guy! Way to go, Darius!

Rescuing a woman in distress is just the kind of thing Jordy would do!

• The Carolina Panthers-Arizona Cardinals game was painful to watch, so I’ll cut to the chase: Arizona quarterback Carson Palmer had six turnovers on the way to a 49-15 soul-crushing defeat.

• I have, have, have to think that Palmer’s injured index finger on his throwing hand played a part. He injured the finger in Week 15 against Green Bay, after which he had a terrible game against the Seattle Seahawks (lost 36-6), a not-very-good-until-the-freaking-fourth-quarter game against Green Bay last week, then the stinker this week. The guy had 11 interceptions and four fumbles through 16 games in the regular season, and four interceptions and two fumbles on Sunday alone! It just has to be the finger injury. I can’t fathom another reason why the number one offense in the league and the quarterback with the third highest passer rating in the regular season suddenly looked so terrible.

• Although I really wanted the Cardinals to win, it was hard not to be impressed by the Panthers. Look, for example, at Carolina receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. on this Cam Newton interception. The guy absolutely flies down the field to stop the pick from becoming a pick-six. (In fact, the Cardinals didn’t gain any points off the turnover because on the next possession, Carson Palmer -- you’ll never guess -- threw an interception.) Keep in mind as Ginn is streaking down almost the entire length of the field that his team was up 17 points at the time.

• With five-and-a-half minutes left in the game, up 34-15, Carolina scored another touchdown …. and decided to go for two. Perhaps it was because Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians had reportedly called Carolina the worse second-half team in the league at halftime, but I don’t really care what anyone said --  if you go for two when you’re up 25 points, your kicker’s foot better be broken, otherwise you guys are being @$%holes. Poor show.

• The Panthers suffered a couple of tough injuries. Safety Roman Harper left the game with an eye injury after a hit to the head. The safety has had Lasik eye surgery, and the hit caused the corneal flap over his eye to shift, temporarily obscuring his vision. Harper says the injury won’t keep him out of the Super Bowl, but still.

• Panthers linebacker Thomas Davis also says his injury won’t keep him out of the Super Bowl, except, I’m not totally sure about that because his injury is a broken arm. I totally understand wanting to play in the Super Bowl -- it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- and I admire his toughness,  but, uh, buddy, a broken arm is a really, really good reason to sit out a game that includes a lot of violent contact. I’m no doctor, but I would really strongly suggest cheering your team on from the safety of the sidelines.

• When asked what nickname he would give himself if he could, Carolina linebacker Luke Kuechly responded, “I don’t need a nickname. My name is Luke.” I think I’m going to go buy the mynameisluke.com domain and put a copyright on that same line for a book title (with a movie option) because that would be the coolest title ever.

My Name Is Luke™

• Kuechly’s pretty cool, right? So you can sorta understand this guy who really, really, really wanted to high-five Luke.

• I guess Carolina deserves to go to the Super Bowl, but I still feel really bad for Carson Palmer. He seems like such a nice guy. Seriously, watch this commercial of his and try to not like him.

• I like the above video, but really it was just an excuse to segue into Jordy’s own commercial. He’s so adorable! He’s a great dad, he spends his offseason farming, and he substitute taught with his new-found free time. (Those lucky third-grade bastards!) Isn’t he so awesome and sweet and manly and cool??

• Let’s just jump back a week and remember how Andy Reid titanicked the Kansas City Chiefs with his clock management late in the game. Remember how the Chiefs had the ball with 6:29 left, down two scores? And remember how, despite the previous sentence, they took 5 minutes and 16 seconds to score and refused to use their timeouts? And didn’t let the time crunch dissuade them from huddling on offense on the drive? And were essentially betting their postseason lives on recovering an onside kick? Well, after having a week to think on it, Andy Reid reiterated that the clock was “handled right” in the game.

• In Packer news, head coach Mike McCarthy had his season-ending press conference, and he didn’t pull any punches. He said what we were all thinking when he singled out Richard Rodgers and Davante Adams as players who “definitely need to step up.” But it was his comments on running back Eddie Lacy, who had weight issues all season, that caught the most attention: “Eddie Lacy has a lot of work to do. I think I’m stating the obvious. His offseason last season was not good enough. He has to get it done. He cannot play at the weight he did this year.”

Unless...

• There are also rumors that McCarthy is “fed up” with Ted Thompson’s extreme reluctance to sign free agents. This has long been a bone of contention for impatient Packers fans who disagree with Thompson’s rigid adherence to a draft-and-develop philosophy. Now, I understand the frustration when Green Bay has a crying need and they do nothing about it. But free agency is crapshoot with low odds. The players worth getting usually require overpaying, and the ones that don’t require overpaying … well, they’re free agents because other teams don’t want them. The Indianapolis Colts are a prime example. They were listed as early “winners” in the offseason, but few, if any, of their signings worked out. Here’s an excerpt from Bill Barnwell’s NFL teams’ Christmas wish lists article:

• Indianapolis Colts: Store credit or a full refund for Ryan Grigson's veteran shopping spree. Andre Johnson's 418 receiving yards are good for 97th in the league. Trent Cole has just three sacks. Frank Gore is averaging 3.6 yards per rushing attempt, the worst figure he has posted by a full half-yard over a professional season. And Todd Herremans lost his starting job after two games. Kendall Langford's snaps as a decent two-way defensive end might represent the best move Grigson made this offseason.

• Another example: Vernon Davis. The Packers, completely devoid of a reliable tight end -- Richard Rodgers was our #1, for Pete’s sake -- looked to be a reasonable landing place for Davis after he was released by the 49ers. Many Green Bay fans expressed frustration when Davis was snatched up by the Broncos. However, in 10 regular season games with Denver, Davis had 20 catches, 90 yards, and zero touchdowns. In his last four games, including two playoff games, Davis has zero catches. It’s not fun or exciting, but I do tend to see things Thompson’s way as far as free agency goes.

• Speaking of free agents, it looks likely that the Packers will let free agent cornerback Casey Hayward leave this summer, which makes me very sad. I love Casey, but the team has too much talent at cornerback, including two impressive rookies in Quinten Rollins and Damarious Randall. In fact, of all rookie corners, Rollins was top in opposing quarterbacks’ ratings. Yay, Q!  Way to go!

This gif is from Power Rangers. I didn't have to look that up or anything.
I just recognized them on sight. Pink Ranger, Blue Ranger, Green Ranger. 

• By the way, did we already talk about how amazing it is that Rollins only ever played one year of football in college?? That’s crazy! He was a basketball star at Miami, played one season of football, was named the MAC defensive player of the year, and then was drafted in the second round of the NFL draft.

• The most outrageous thing I read this week was Jordy Nelson telling the story of how his future wife dumped him when they were in seventh grade. What could she have been thinking? Did she think she could do better?? Did she not see the future Sideline Ninja in him? Was she so convinced that she could get him back? What! what could have made her do something so foolish? SHE NEVER DESERVED HIM!