A Week 4 Bye?? Come on, NFL!

Jordy probably spent his bye being a super adorbs farmer.

• The Green Bay Packers had their bye this week. After three games. Now, true, the Pack is pretty banged up -- Shields, Matthews, Burnett, Janis, Cook, Lang, and more -- so it might actually be a good thing, but still, it's the principle of the thing! Week 4 is way too early for a bye for any team. The Packers now have to go 13 straight weeks without a break. And it’s not just physical, either; players need a mid-season mental break, too. 

• At least this week will get them back to their best.

• This week’s slate looked pretty boring, but turned in some real surprises, like the Buffalo Bills shutting out the New England Patriots, 16-0. While the world naturally rejoiced, the Pats are still an impressive 3-1 through their long dark night without Tom Brady.

• When you beat the previously undefeated Patriots (even if it was against a third-string quarterback), you get to rock a cool hairstyle.

• When I think we were all surprised to see the Chicago Bears beat the Detroit Lions 17-14. The most surprising part, however, is probably that I don’t mind that the Bears won. They’re in the NFC North basement and are of no concern to the real teams in that division, so I’m happy to see them knock down the Lions. It did irk me that a Brian Hoyer-led team easily dispatched a team that gave the Packers a bit of a scare though.

Yes, this man.

• Okay, now, discerning readers of this blog may have picked up on a subtle dislike that I may harbor for Jay Cutler. That said, I almost feel bad for him, considering how publicly his own coach disdains him. When John Fox first took the reins last season, he announced that long-time starter Cutler would have to compete with Jimmy Clausen for the starting spot. Jimmy Clausen! (Oh the indignity!) This week, with Cutler out with a sprained thumb and Hoyer behind center, Fox said, “Anybody’s that performing well, I don’t think we’re going to be likely to change.” Now, in his defense, Fox is saddled with a quarterback he obviously doesn’t believe in but can’t get rid of for salary reasons (the Bears are on the hook for $17 million to Cutler this year). On the other hand, kinda sucks to have your coach very clearly not in your corner.

"Thanks, coach." *Emo sigh*

• Another surprise: after getting trounced 28-0 by the San Francisco 49ers in Week 1, Case Keenum and the Los Angeles Rams are 3-1 and atop the NFC West.

• A surprise that shouldn’t have been a surprise? The San Diego Chargers choking away a near-sure win. They had a 13-point lead halfway through the fourth quarter and lost!! San Diego, after lighting it up for three and a half quarters (Philip Rivers was 28-of-43 for 321 yards and two touchdowns) turned into the Three Stooges, fumbling the ball away on consecutive possessions, both in their own territory and both leading to New Orleans Saints touchdowns. The Chargers had two minutes left for a chance at the win, but had a sack, fumbled snap (recovered), incompletion, and interception to end the game. Sigh. I think being a Chargers fan would be the toughest because they actually have a ton of talent, but always disappoint. (This article is titled “The Chargers Are Unprecedented Late-Game Failures.”)

• *Tear* JJ Watt is out for the rest of the season after undergoing back surgery. Get better soon, bae.

• So Dez Bryant suffered a knee injury last week. Then was a no-show for his MRI on Monday, reportedly because he was scared to find out the result (a hairline fracture in his knee). Which has led to reports that Dez Bryant is still Dez Bryant and has been late or a no-show as many as 40 times in the last seven years.

Dez Bryant.

• I didn’t watch Thursday Night Football -- because who does? -- but I was trying to find out the results on Friday morning. It wasn’t on the Yahoo homepage. Or the ESPN home page. Or the ESPN NFL page. The Cincinnati Bengals defeated the Miami Dolphins 22-7, apparently, but I felt really sad for both teams that no one cared about the game, not even ESPN.

• Uh oh, the Atlanta Falcons are sort of making me believe in them again. Why won’t I learn? I’ve sworn to myself that I’d never believe in them because they always will let you down, but then they go and have a game like they did on Sunday: Matt Ryan was 28-for-37, for 503 YARDS, and FOUR touchdowns, and Julio Jones was on the receiving end of 300 of those yards. Don’t do it. Don’t weaken. Don’t believe!

• On a conference call with Minnesota Vikings reporters, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning was asked about the Vikings “having his number” (he’s 2-5 in his career against Minnesota). Manning responded:
  “I don’t think anybody, eh, I don’t think anybody has my phone number on the Vikings. Maybe (former Giant) Linval (Joseph), I’m not sure. I’m trying to think if I have anybody’s number. Maybe somebody, I’m sure. I have (Sam) Bradford. I have his number. He’s got my number. Can’t think of anybody else’s off-hand though. I’ll look through my phone and get back to you.”
  This raises a question I never thought I’d ask: is Eli Manning actually really witty? Does the guy who makes this face actually have a really dry sense of humor??

• It's been a weird week. I cheered for the Bears and the Giants??!! Alas, my cheers weren't enough to overcome the Minnesota Vikings defense, which shut down the Giants, 24-10. The Vikings continue to be a concern.

• WILL FULLER! As I’ve mentioned, I was a huge fan of this guy when he was at Notre Dame, and I love watching him shred defenses week in and week out as a rookie for the Houston Texans!

• TEEEBOOOOOW! Okay, sure, Tim Tebow isn’t in the NFL anymore, so one might argue that he doesn’t have any place on this blog. But others might say that the Tebow magic transcends sports. At his first at-bat as a member of the New York Mets’ Minor League team, Tebow, of course, hit a home run.

• Do not get on Carolina Panthers’ running back Mike Tolbert’s bad side because he’s vindictive as bleep. Upset with the service (or lack of) that he received at a car shop, he paid his nearly $4,000 bill entirely in coins.

• The Panthers are now 1-3. Did not see that coming.

• My goodness, the end of the first half in the Houston Texans-Tennessee Titans game was a mess. The Texans got the ball with 2:28 left in the second and all three of their timeouts. An uninspired six plays later, Houston punts with 1:15 left. Tennessee, also retaining all three timeouts, start with a short gain, and Houston takes the timeout. An odd call, but turns out to be right, as Tennessee can’t make anything happen and punts back to the Texans with 58 seconds left. The Titans get called for a 10-yard holding penalty on the punt (and should have been called for a 15-yard face mask), which gave Houston the ball on the Tennessee 44 yardline, still with all three timeouts. 3rd-and-4, Houston throws just short of the first down. Thinking that they got the first down, Houston hesitates before taking their final timeout with 15 seconds left. Houston head coach Bill O’Brien is too busy arguing with officials to notice that the play clock has started and the Texans are milling about the field as the clock ticks down. The kicker doesn’t even get onto the field until the play clock is down to six seconds, and the Texans get a delay of game penalty, which knocks them out of field goal range. Instead of trying a 58-yard field goal, Houston throws on 4th-and-6 with no timeouts (how exactly did they see this playing out?). The Titans, however, commit pass interference on the play! That gives Houston a first down and puts them back in field goal range, and, after all that ineptitude, the Texans kick a field goal. Yeesh.

Remember when watching the Titans and the Texans.

• That was not the most embarrassing part of the game, however. That came from the officiating crew. On a Tennessee punt, Houston blew through the line and blocked the punt, picking it up and returning it for a touchdown while whistles blew. The Titans punter took a huge shot and was shaken up on the play, Houston players were wondering what the heck just happened, and the official came on the mic and said: “Prior to the snap, the play was shut down, assuming there were 12 men on defense. However, the 12th man did get off, so there is no foul. We’ll replay 4th down.” I’ll leave it to you to imagine how the Texans crowd reacted.

• I thought it’d be hard for Andrew Luck to be any more endearing, but then he started his own book club. Then he chose the Little House on the Prairie books for the kids’ version of his book club.

Here's why I picked #littlehouseontheprairie. Share pics of your copy using #albookclub. pic.twitter.com/DiPfYlZRzm

— AL Book Club (@ALBookClub) September 27, 2016

• I kind of love New York Jets receiver Brandon Marshall. I love how much he loves his quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick. After the second straight week devoid of Fitzmagic (poor Ryan threw one touchdown and three interceptions -- that’s nine interceptions and one touchdown in the last two weeks!), Marshall was asked about if it was time to switch quarterbacks. The devoted receiver got testy, staring down the reporter and answering very clearly: “I am. Going down. In a boat. With Ryan Fitzpatrick.” It’s kind of an insult, but kind of sweet, too.

Awww. But you should probably start playing better
if you want this bromance to last, Ryan.

• Poor, poor Navorro Bowman. In January 2013, the 49ers linebacker injured his knee in the NFC Championship Game. He tore both his ACL and MCL and missed all of the 2014 season. Last year he came back and led the league in tackles. Now, just four games into the 2016 season, Bowman suffered a torn Achilles tendon and is out for the rest season. That sucks. Get better soon, Navorro!  

• Man, the Indianapolis Colts are not good. After a loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars in London, the Colts are 1-3 and tied for last place in the worst division in the league.

• Josh Norman got a 15-yard penalty for mimicking archery because. Come on, NFL. He plays for the Redskins and it’s not a threat or violent. *Eye roll* Also the logo of another team, the Kansas City Chiefs is an arrowhead. Gasp! That’s a weapon! Should they have to change their name? Also, the Vikings were violent marauders known for pillaging villagers. Bears and Tigers maul people. 

Will the violence never end??

• Broncos QB Trevor Siemian (who?) injured his non-throwing shoulder, and rookie Paxton Lynch stepped up to finish off the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Not that it required much effort -- the Bucs didn’t score after the first quarter. The highlight of the boring game, which also featured an hour and half delay due to lightning, was Emmanuel Sanders’ perfectly executed cartwheel celebration.

• Drew Stanton, playing in relief of the concussed Carson Palmer, threw 11 passes. Seven of them were incomplete and two were interceptions. It can’t be fun for a backup QB to have to face that Rams defense.

• Oakland is fun to watch. It’s exciting to see a team that has been so terrible for my lifetime start to get really good. Derek Carr, Amari Cooper, Michael Crabtree, Khalil Mack -- there’s a lot for Raiders fans to be excited about.

• The good news is that the Cleveland Browns started the same quarterback that they had the previous week, which hasn’t happened since Christmas of last year, so yay for consistency. The bad news is that the Browns are 0-4, so ... yay for consistency?

This kind of implies that they had talent at some point.

• The Dallas Cowboys won 24-17 against the San Francisco 49ers, which just makes me more eager for Tony Romo’s return (targeted for Week 8) and the inevitable fallout. Quarterback Dak Prescott has been good, but fellow rookie Ezekiel Elliott has been even more impressive, averaging over 100 rushing yards again. Elliot, along with backup Alfred Morris, have taken a huge amount of pressure off of Prescott, so Dak hasn't had to do too much on his own.

 

***PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT***

There will be no O&E next week. The good news is I won’t have to talk about Tom Brady’s return blah blah blah. I know this will cast a pall over the week for the thousands of readers of this blog, but do your best to muddle through. We’ll be back for the Packers-Cowboys game. Till then, here’s some Jordy to get you through to Week 6.

By the Bye

• It’s a good time for a bye for the Green Bay Packers -- ESPN rated them as the #1 most “banged-up” team.

Actually, don't read that link; it's a little depressing.

• The Dallas Cowboys were down seven to the New York Giants with1:30 left when Cowboys’ return man Cole Beasley muffed a punt and New York’s Myles White (former Packer! Woo hoo! Good job!) was there to recover the lucky bounce.

• I felt bad for Cole Beasley -- it’s tough to be the scapegoat. Also, he’s really short, he has a silly name, and silly hair too.

• Beasley apologized to fans on Twitter after the game, taking a calm approach to the Twitter Mafia:

• His wife took a different approach:

• The muffed punt certainly wasn’t the only thing keeping Dallas from the win. They were playing with Matt Cassel at quarterback, for heaven’s sake. While I still maintain that Cassel is an upgrade over Brandon Weeden (albeit very slight), he sure was terrible, throwing three interceptions to just one touchdown.

• Cowboys’ defensive end/wild animal Greg Hardy was very angry at the Cowboys’ special teams unit after they gave up a touchdown. Hardy was screaming and getting in his teammates’ faces, and even slapped a clipboard out of the special teams’ coach’s hands, before injured receiver Dez Bryant and others tried to separate him. When Bryant is the one calming you down, you might have a problem.

• Don’t worry, though, it’s all good! Everything’s totally fine! Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says that Hardy was just “firing up” the special teams guys! When asked if he had a problem with Hardy’s behavior, Jones doubled-down, saying, “As a matter of fact, I would encourage it.”

I wish somebody would publish a Jerry Jones quotes coffeetable book already.

• The Buffalo Bills nearly made a furious comeback after being down 27-3 to the Jacksonville Jaguars, but ended up losing 34-31 in yet another installment of the London series. A good show by Buffalo to make it interesting, but you can’t really blame England for not getting on board with the NFL when we keep sending them terrible teams -- Buffalo was 3-3 going into Sunday’s game, Jacksonville 1-5. Here’s a look at the games we’ve made the Brits sit through in the past two seasons, along with the teams’ records going into the game:
• Miami Dolphins (1-2) vs. Oakland Raiders (0-3)
• Detroit Lions (5-2) vs. Atlanta Falcons (2-5)
• Dallas Cowboys (6-3) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8)
• Buffalo Bills (2-4) vs. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5)
• New York Jets (3-1) vs. Miami Dolphins (1-3)
• In the past six games the NFL has exported, there have been three teams (out of a possible 12 for those of you who can’t multiply two and six) with winning records featured. You know why? Because good teams that habitually win games have too much sway in the league and would (rightly) pitch fits if they had to travel across the Atlantic for a game. But let’s keep pretending that a London franchise is feasible!

• I didn’t watch the Bills-Jags from London because the hell I’ll livestream the game on Yahoo. 1) Do you know how much I pay for Sunday Ticket so I can supposedly have “every game” every week? 2) Yahoo is the worst website in the world. We shouldn’t encourage them.

• Scrambling to avoid a sack, Cleveland Browns quarterback Josh McCown ran out of bounds … and kept running … very slowly … until he ran softly into a wall … and fell down. I don’t really understand -- why didn’t he just stop running?

• The Miami Dolphins were up on the Houston Texans 41-0 at halftime. Can’t we just put the Texans out of of their misery? It seems cruel to make them have to keep going out every Sunday and play NFL teams.

• The Texans’ main problem is that they don’t have a starting quarterback, just two backup quarterbacks competing for the starting job. I don’t know much about playing quarterback, but I do have a little advice for Ryan Mallett on what not to do when you’re trying to win back the starting position: don’t miss the team flight for an away game.

Also, try not to look like this in pictures. It makes
everyone instinctively hate you.

• The Texans having JJ Watt always makes me think that they have a good defense, but they don’t. They’re actually one of the worst defenses in the league by almost any measure. (So maybe not having a quarterback is only one of their main problems.) Miami quarterback Ryan Tannehill sure must have appreciated the stat boost that comes with playing the Texans. Tannehill was 18-for-19 (he started 18-for-18) for 282 yards*, four touchdowns, and no interceptions. (*To be fair, his receivers did most of the work for these yards, as at least half of them came after the catch.)

(Gratuitous JJ pic.)

• Houston Texans running back Arian Foster tore his Achilles tendon and is out for the season. Foster had returned from a groin injury just three weeks earlier. So, uh, I guess things aren’t going to be getting better for Houston anytime soon.

• After the first quarter, the New Orleans Saints had more points (20) than the Indianapolis Colts had yards (16).. By halftime, Indianapolis had managed 131 yards, two interceptions, a fumble, and 0 points. Indy made an effort in the second half and ended up losing by only six, but they’re another team that might need to be put down for the season. Things aren’t looking good for embattled head coach (and my secret old man crush) Chuck Pagano. The Colts are 3-4, their GM and head coach hate each other, and are facing three of the league’s toughest teams in a row: the undefeated Panthers, the undefeated (FOR NOW!) Broncos, a bye, and an Atlanta team that’s only lost one game so far. It will be interesting to see if Pagano survives the bye week.

See, he's handsome, right? It's not just me?

• The Saints aren’t exactly good either. Check out this gruesome stretch that started the fourth quarter of Sunday’s game.

5 of those are three-and-outs! The game also
started with 4 consecutive punts. *Shudder*

• Letroy Guion is a Green Bay defensive lineman who has a history of run-ins with the law. When Guion was arrested this offseason for marijuana possession (among other things), his dad went down to the police station and asked what was going on. When he was told what his son was being charged with, "Guion Sr. laughed and, according to an arrest report, said: 'Well, I'll be honest, every time he comes down he always brings the best weed you ever smoked in your life.'"

"Thanks, Dad!"

• Adrian Peterson threw up before Sunday’s game against the Detroit Lions. It was originally reported that he had gotten sick from accidentally swallowing chewing tobacco (ew), but Peterson denied the report, saying he was sick from eating shrimp, which is he is allergic to. Peterson says he loves shrimp so much that sometimes he eats it and just makes sure he has his EpiPen on him. I’m not sure if that’s the best plan, buddy. You might have to just stop eating shrimp.

• The highlight of the  4-2 (!) Minnesota Vikings’ victory over the Lions (another team that should be put down) was this incredible Stefon Diggs touchdown.

.@stefon_diggs turns "overthrown pass" into "Catch of the Year Contender". So so so soooooo sick. #MINvsDET https://t.co/7L9TZ9SpHR

— NFL (@NFL) October 25, 2015

• While Matthew Stafford probably isn't having too much fun with the Lions at 1-6, it still must be pretty nice to be able to blindly chuck the ball into the air and know that Calvin Johnson will come down with it. For those of you that don't feel like clicking that link, here's what happens in the video:

• While we’re keeping track of teams to euthanize, the San Francisco 49ers should be on the list as well. They’re now 2-5 after losing 20-3 to the Seattle Seahawks on Thursday night.

No, I don't know why Colin Kaepernick is trying
to open a pineapple by unscrewing the top.
Seems as fruitless (hah!) as the Niners' season.

• When the Oakland Raiders and the San Diego Chargers play and the halftime score is 30-6, I certainly don’t expect the Raiders to be on the sunny side of it, but that was the case on Sunday. Oakland scored on its first seven possessions, one of which was this beauty by rookie wide receiver Amari Cooper -- check out the move he puts on that last defender!

• A week after throwing 65 passes, Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers threw 58 on Sunday! A couple of observations: 1) His arm must be very tired. 2) Rivers has a very good chance of breaking the single-season passing attempts record. If you exclude the game against the Cincinnati Bengals in which Rivers threw “only” 27 times, he’s averaging 47 throws per game! That puts him on pace to break the current record currently of 727 (Matthew Stafford. Second place is 691 attempts, btw.).

• When the Washington Redskins were losing 24-0 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I have to say I wrote them off. Coming into the game, Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins had six touchdowns and eight interceptions in six games, so I think my lack of faith was warranted. Little did I know that a completely different Kirk Cousins would show up. On Sunday, Cousins completed 83% of his passes for 317 yards, three passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and no interceptions.  

• I should probably mention Atlanta Falcons running back Devonta Freeman at some point since he leads the league in rushing, but the Falcons beat the Tennessee Titans, who were without starting quarterback Marcus Mariota, in a 10-7 game which sounds too boring for me to even read a recap of, so all I can do is literally mention Freeman.

• Oh no, Brandon Marshall! He went from hero to goat in a matter of 17 seconds! The New York Jets were playing their archnemesis, the New England Patriots, in Foxborough. It was a close game throughout. The Jets got the ball down 30-20 with 1 minute, 13 seconds left. They try for a 50-yard field goal with 23 seconds remaining, but there’s a false start penalty on the Jets, so they move back and try a 55-yard field goal with 18 second left -- it’s good! But the bad news is they used all three of their timeouts on that drive. So with 18 seconds left they try an onside kick…. and Brandon Marshall recovers!!

• The Jets take over about midfield, down seven points, and throw a 12-yard completion with 14 seconds left. With no timeouts left, they have to race to lineup after the play so they can spike the ball, which they do with just one second left on the clock. Buuuuut, unfortunately, Brandon Marshall, the hero of yestersecond, did not get set before the snap, which is a false start penalty, which, when it occurs under the two-minute mark, brings with it a 10-second runoff, which means game over. New England 30, New York 23. Ouch.

• I still can’t decide if we should be impressed by the 6-0 Carolina Panthers or not. After Week 7, the six teams they’ve defeated (Jaguars, Texans, Saints, Bucs, Seahawks, Eagles) have a combined record of 15-26. I guess I’ll wait to see how the Packers play against them in two weeks. If Green Bay wins handily, I’ll deride the Panthers as frauds. If Carolina wins, I’ll say, well, they’re a really tough team -- just look at their record!

• I’m super excited for the Packers' Sunday night showdown with the Denver Broncos! Hopefully the Pack will get some of their players back (Davante Adams, Morgan Burnett, a healthier Eddie Lacy) -- they’ll need all the help they can get against Denver’s defense! Go Pack Go!

I know you'll be there on the field in spirit.