Sunday, August 31, 2014

Beat the Cheats!

  • Boy oh boy, only a couple more days till the Packers kick off the season against those dirty, dirty cheats in Seattle! Too bad we can’t have them on our turf. I really, really, really want Green Bay to win (duh) not just for the win, but so somebody can shut up those loudmouthed, cocky, smug fraudsters (that’s a real word).

Especially you, Peter Clay Carroll.

  • I'm excited for Ha Ha Clinton-Dix! Though, frankly, I'd be exciting about pretty much any fresh blood at the safety position. The biggest challenge for me will be overcoming hearing this in my head every time anyone mentions Clinton-Dix:

  • Last year's back-up quarterback disaster has scared the Packers into keeping both Scott Tolzien and Matt Flynn. I'm a Tolzien fan, and I'm also very protective of Matt Flynn because he's terrible, so I'm glad he gets to stay in a system that he can be okay in.

And he rocks the Canadian tux way better than Aaron.

  • Some sad offseason news was that running back Johnathan Franklin was forced to retire after his rookie season due to a neck injury. That's tough news for a 24-year-old to handle. The good news is that he kept busy this summer doing adorable videos for

  • Green Bay didn't suffer the spate of injuries that fans have come to expect and dread, but the injury gods didn't overlook us completely. They carefully chose a couple of key players to smite right before the season started. BJ Raji is out for the season with a biceps tear and center JC Tretter fractured his knee cap (ow). Tretter is expected to be back in a month-ish, but until then, rookie Corey Linsey will be starting at a hugely important position.

  • I was surprised/fretful Chris Banjo was cut. He seemed to have had good reviews from the coaches last year and was also highly rated for his special teams play. This just makes me nervous; I'd rather have a little extra depth at last year's weakest position. 

  • So, there’s this player drafted by the St. Louis Rams. He’s a rookie out of Missouri and plays defensive end. But get this: he’s gay! Can you believe it?!?! HE’S GAY! He’s a football player AND he’s gay!! He also sacked Johnny Manziel in the preseason, which was incredible because Johnny Manziel is JOHNNY FOOTBALL and Michael Sam is GAY. And it’s super exciting because no matter what Sam does or doesn’t do for the rest of his career, it’ll be newsworthy because, as you may have heard, he’s gay.

^ GAY.

  • Poor Sam Bradford! His prior claim to fame (besides kinda looking like Mighty Mouse) was being the primary example for the ridiculous, unearned, team-breaking rookie contracts that led to changes in the CBA, but now he's just known for rotten luck. Less than a year after suffering a season-ending ACL tear, Bradford suffered the same injury in a preseason game, ending his season before it even began. After four up-and-down years, Bradford had a lot riding on this season. I feel so bad for him!
(But he does look like Mighty Mouse, doesn't he?)

  • Glad to see Redskins' safety Brandon Meriweather suspended for a hit to Ravens’ WR Torrey Smiths’ head. I have to say this hit doesn’t really look like it's his fault, but because Brandon Meriweather is a dirty head-hunter, I’m still glad that he got suspended.
"So what if my opponents all end up unconscious? My hits are totally clean!"

  • Peyton Manning didn’t appreciate it when his teammate, Woozy Wes Welker, got hit in the head by Houston safety DJ Swearinger. Manning expressed his dissatisfaction by immediately throwing a touchdown, talking trash to Swearinger, and getting flagged for taunting. Manning was also fine $8,268, which he called “money well spent.”


  • San Francisco lineman Ray McDonald is looking at a likely six-game suspension following his arrest for domestic violence. Roger Goodell is probably doing a thank-you-Jesus dance, since coming down hard on McDonald will give him a chance to make people forget the Ray Rice debacle.

  • Yeesh, former Dallas backup quarterback Kyle Orton is cutthroat. Here's how he spent his summer: he said he wanted to retire, but since he was still under contract, he wouldn't get his $3 million signing bonus if he did, so he just didn't show up to OTAs or any other offseason stuff, so the Cowboys finally decided to release him. Instead of retiring, however, Orton took the money, waited out training camp and the preseason, then signed with the Buffalo Bills. So, all in all, he managed to get out of a situation where he apparently wasn't happy, keep his $3 million, avoid training camp, and sign with a team where he has a much better chance of playing.

Don't let the creepy long hair or the Bieber bangs or the
neckbeard and mustache fool you; the man will get his money.

  • Obviously the best thing to come out of the offseason was the Packers signing Jordy Nelson to a four-year extension. WOO HOOO!!!! JORDY 4EVA!! GO WHITE LIGHTNING GO!! SIDELINE NIIIIIIIIIIINJA!!