Saturday, October 29, 2011

Skip Bayless is a Moron of Epic Proportions

Remember when A.J. Hawk flipped the bird to his sidelines during the St. Louis game? We all knew a fine was coming - and deserved - but over at ESPN, totally impartial and sensible commenter Skip Bayless called for a 1 game suspension of Hawk. Okay, Skip buddy. You want a 1 game suspension for Hawk, but no discipline for Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh?? Riiiiiight. That makes sense.

Anyway, seeing Skip talk nonsense reminded me how utterly stupid this man is, particularly in his rabid hatred for Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.

Now, I can’t say what I really feel about Skip because my mom reads this blog, so I’ll have to just show you his mind-numbing ignorance and partiality through some videos I’ve been stewing over.  

For those of you who don’t know, Skip was, is, and always has been madly in love Brett Favre. When Green Bay had finally had it up to here with Favre and politely declined to let him come back, Skip Bayless declared that Ted Thompson “running Brett Favre out of Green Bay” was the “biggest mistake by a GM in the history of the league.” Now, let’s remember that emotions were running high in 2008 and Rodgers hadn’t proven himself yet, so maybe Skip’s isn’t all that stupid. But wait. Here’s the thing - Skip stands by his statement today. Skip still thinks that Thompson should have let Brett come back, even after all wait-maybe-I-do-still-want-to-play-right-after-my-team-just-picked-two-quarterbacks-in-the-draft drama. After Brett publicly called Thompson and McCarthy liars. Even after Aaron Rodgers has won the Super Bowl, the Super Bowl MVP, and been nearly flawless through seven games this season. That's Skip Bayless.

Let’s start here. Aaron Rodgers made fun of Mark Sanchez’s ridiculous GQ spread, calling it “embarrassing.”  Here, the First Take crew reacts to Rodgers’ comments. (Here's the original interview, for those interested

First of all, if you’ve seen the photo shoot, it is embarrassing. Rodgers also clarified that he was not attacking Sanchez, that Sanchez is a friend of his, and his comments were that he, Aaron Rodgers, is embarrassed when he does photo shoots. Sanchez took the comments in stride, saying that he knew Rodgers was joking and he’s heard a lot worse from his teammates.

Once again, Skip pulled out his go-to argument against Rodgers - the Steelers were “crippled” when Rodgers beat them. Okay. Perhaps you remember another team that had SIXTEEN PLAYERS ON THE INJURED RESERVE LIST! You want to talk about “crippled” teams, Skip? How about giving a little credit to Rodgers for leading a team when at least one starter was dropping every week?! 

Then Skip goes after Aaron’s belt celebration. 1) I think it’s pretty understated for a touchdown celebration. 2) And if, as Skip suggests, Brett Favre had ever done a belt-type celebration, ESPN would have shown the clip 4235324 times an hour while smiling and sighing and admiring his youthful zeal. 3) As the other guy points out, Rodgers' own competitors have said they don’t have a problem with it!

Next up: Aaron Rodgers’ somewhat snarky comments after the season opener regarding Green Bay’s lack of offseason workouts during the lockout. Skip Bayless was one of the foremost critics of Green Bay not holding offseason workouts, with an strong implication that it was a sign of poor leadership from Rodgers. Rodgers clearly took delight in shutting up his critics - particularly Skip Bayless.

Instead of Skip admitting that the Packers’ offense clearly wasn’t hampered by the lockout, or that he was wrong to go after Rodgers during the offseason, he calls Rodgers an “arrogant jerk.” Then he goes on to criticize Rodgers' second-half performance. Jon Ritchie has enough sense to point out that the Packers changed their offensive approach in the second half and played according to the opposing defense, meaning a lot more running and a lot more conservative play calling.

Then: First Take ranks the top 5 quarterbacks in the league. Skip flips out when one commenter ranks Aaron Rodgers number one, over Tom Brady. (Fast-forward to about the 6:30 mark.)

Skip magnanimously admits that Aaron Rodgers had a good game against Atlanta in the 2010 playoffs (but qualifies that by saying Atlanta was way overrated), and against the Steelers in the Super Bowl (again, the poor, hobbling, barely-able-to-stand Steelers).

And finally: they hit Skip where it hurts - Brett Favre.

Whoa. I don’t even know where to start. How bout with Skip blaming Rodgers for the loss to the Arizona Cardinals in the 2009 wild card game? Yes, the game technically ended on a Rodgers’ fumble - a play on which a personal foul should have been called. (Not to mention the helmet-to-helmet hit on Rodgers that was not called two plays earlier. Not to mention the worst - and I mean absolute WORST - roughing the passer penalty that has ever been called in the history of the NFL  -- Warner’s still holding the ball when he gets hit! Not to mention Larry Fitzgerald’s two-handed shove on Woodson that allows him to get free for that touchdown.) But the point is, it’s hard to blame a quarterback for a loss when the defense gave up 51 points. It doesn’t quite seem fair. But I have to stop talking about this game before I have an aneurysm.

Here’s the thing Skip, you can’t crucify Rodgers for a game-ending turnover while trying to argue that Brett Favre’s season-ending turnover in 2007 wasn’t that big a deal. The only reason that Rodgers did not win that game against the Cardinals (besides the horrible defense) is because Kurt Warner had one of the all-time greatest games by a quarterback. So don’t go acting like it was a bumbling Aaron Rodgers’ ineptitude that lost that game - it was the defense and Kurt Warner. (And terrible officiating). You can’t exactly knock a guy when he passes for 423 yards and 4 touchdowns with 121.3 passer rating.

And don’t even get me started on the absurdity of the actual Favre comments.

Who would have ever thought that Stephen A. Smith would be the voice of reason??

Perhaps this post is superfluous, as everyone already knows Skip Bayless is an idiot. I, however, could not resist putting up definitive proof of the fact. Plus, it’s a bye week and I didn’t have much else to do. If the Packers get another bye this season, maybe I”ll tackle Colin Cowherd and his reluctance to admit Aaron Rodgers is elite.

Monday, October 24, 2011

I May Or May Not Have Had Too Much Fun With Photoshop

Oh, I didn't make the above picture. Trust me, I'll take credit when I make something.

So, the Packers are now 7-0, not to brag or anything. Just casually stating it, you know.

Okay, so not all of the game was awesome, but watching the offense was sort of like watching my cat play with a mouse for 3 and a half hours before she kills it. It was kind of awesome. Defense was a little trickier, but then again, Adrian Peterson. And our defense had some fab plays (hello, Charles Woodson).

Speaking of Charles Woodson, he kicked some super butt yesterday. It was very impressive. I was also impressed when he bowed like a true 18th century gentleman after one of his interceptions.

 But seriously, it made me wish he was bowing over my hand and telling me that he intercepted the ball just for me, and would I allow him to escort me to the ball in a fortnight?

(Yes, THIS I photoshopped.)
And of course I would accept. I mean, look at this:


They were all happily punching him in a circle! What a darling bunch of boys.

And Greg Jennings was all like, "I'm the man."

Talk to the hand.

Most adorable man in the universe? (Answer: yes)

Clay Matthews was all like, "I am a heat-seeking missile":

Targeted, and eliminated.
I have to say, I was impressed with Christian Ponder. Not only was he pretty good out there for a rookie, but he seemed like a classy dude.

Mason Crosby kicked a 58-yard field goal, too! He seemed pretty happy about that.

Aww. I would be too.

Kuhn should get a mention for his badass-ery as well. Wow.

Aww, how cute. He's roaring.
Of course, I like the scuffles in the game (such drama), so I need to mention the whole Robison/Lang thing. Let's take a look:

That sure looks like an accident to me.

Just kidding. It doesn't. I found this article hilarious:

"It's bad enough that he drove his cleated foot into the nether regions of T.J. Lang. Perhaps more concerning, though, are his comments afterwards. 'It happened. There's nothing I can do about it. It's something that if I could go back, I wouldn't have done it. There's nothing I could do about it now. There was a penalty, and hopefully it won't happen in the future.' Hopefully? You don't have to hope on this one, man. You can just stop kicking people in the ding-ding. It's not like you have some rare form of junk-kicking Tourette's, and you have to hope it doesn't just show up at an inopportune time."

Tee-hee. So true.

And I mean, LOOK at Robison.

He totally looks like some sort of French aristocrat. Or French revolutionary.

Liberté! Egalité! Kicking people in the junk!
(Just kidding, I love the French.)

Oh, and can we please talk about Aaron Rodgers' press conference hair? Aaron, it's NOT cute when you comb your hair down over your forehead. As Marisa would say, you look like Julius Caesar.

Dork police!

You look SO much better when you do this:

Oh heyyyyyy there
And finally:

Oh by the way, GJ's hand is okay. PHEW.

Bye week coming up now. Lame. Packers party at my place! Dress up as your favorite NFL player to hate.

I'm Glad We Have Aaron Rodgers and Not Any of These Quarterbacks

  • The offensive powerhouses that are the Cleveland Browns and Seattle Seahawks blew the lights out to a 6-3 finish. Who won, you ask? Do you really care?
" we want the ball to go to that rectangle at the end of the field with our team name painted on it?"

  • What was Philip Rivers thinking on the final play of the Jets-Chargers game?? Down six points with about 10 seconds to go, the Chargers faced a fourth-and-3. What to do? Should they try to pick up the first down with a quick pass to the sidelines? Or is it time for the Hail Mary now? For Philip Rivers, the answer was neither. He threw the ball out of bounds to turn the ball over on downs. End of game. Huh? Were the Chargers aware that it was fourth down? Why weren’t there any receivers down field? It reminded me of the Cowboys’ loss to Detroit a few weeks back when Felix Jones ran out of bounds short of the first down to end the game. And it’s never a good sign when you’re compared to the fourth-quarter-Cowboys. 
"It's everyone else's fault!"
  • As for Christian Ponder, I take back all the sympathy I poured on him last post - apparently he didn’t need it.

  • Tim Tebow!! Let’s not get too excited there, Tebow fans. The comeback was awesome, but it overshadowed the very disturbing fact that the Broncos were down 15 to a Matt Moore-led team! After the game, Tim Tebow thanked Jesus, his teammates, and Tony Sparano.

"You get to collect unemployment if you get fired, right?"

  • I got pretty sick of every commenter saying, “Say what you want about Tim Tebow; the kid just wins!” It was particularly annoying coming from the same people who had been bashing Tebow for the previous six weeks. When he loses next week they’ll all be shaking their heads and reverting back to their “Tebow is not an NFL quarterback” stance.

  • Nice to see Carson Palmer picking up right where he left off.
Feels just like Cincinnati!

  • I like the Detroit Lions. But reports of Ndamukong Suh and Cliff Avril taunting Atlanta QB Matt Ryan as he lay writhing on the ground in pain are not cool.

  • The Tampa Bay Bucs would have had a good chance to win in London had it not been for Josh Freeman doing his best Jay Cutler impression and throwing four interceptions.

The Most Intercepted Man in the World.

  • I’ll bet Jerry Angelo is really wishing he had shut up and given Matt Forte whatever he wanted before the season started.

  • New Orleans beat - I mean, BEAT - the Indianapolis Colts 62-7. Drew Brees completed 89% of his passes. Maybe if center Olin Kreutz hadn’t walked away before this game, he would still have some passion left. He may have retired a New Orleans Saint, but you can tell he was a Chicago Bear from the way he quit on his team. 

    • What, exactly, is the point of handing out statement fines to headhunters like Dunta Robinson if it's always reduced after an appeal? I thought the original $40K was too small a fine to begin with.
    This is pretty much the definition of leading with the helmet.
    • Donovan McNabb’s happy-go-lucky attitude about being benched is … admirable??? Maybe he’s just happy he won’t have to practice so much, if Michael Lombardi's report has any truth.

    • Arian. Foster. 115 yards rushing. 119 yards receiving. 3 touchdowns. All this playing for a team that is missing their best offensive player and their best defensive player, in a game that was being played for the divisional lead where Tennessee had something to prove. An embarrassing showing from the Titans and their $53 million man. 

    Friday, October 21, 2011

    Week 7: Green Bay at Minnesota

    Ah, the Minnesota Vikings. We Packer fans would hate them, except they're not even relevant enough to hate these days. The only concern is how the division's gonna be realigned once the Vikes head West. There's a funny sort of bond between the Vikings and the Packers now, both organizations having been screwed over by Brett Favre. It's like when you finally dump your diva boyfriend for a way hotter, cooler, nicer, better, younger guy while your ex starts dating your fatter, uglier friend in an attempt to make you jealous. But you don't even really get mad at your fat, ugly friend, because you know he's going to be as big a jerk to her as he was to you. That metaphor was unnecessary except to point out that Viking fans are fat and ugly. Which we all already knew.

    I have to say I feel bad for Christian Ponder. His dysfunctional organization is throwing him into his first start against the Champions of the Universe. Dom Capers must be salivating.

    Poor little rookie.

    Best runner in the league Adrian Peterson will be expected to help out poor little Christian a lot and I think the Packers' defensive line will be ready for a run-heavy Vikings offense.

    Side note: There's a good chance for a Vic So'oto sighting this week, since Zombo's triumphant return was cut short by a hyperextended knee, and Jamari Lattimore is dealing with a shoulder injury. For those unfamiliar with So'oto, he made quite an impression in the preseason game against the Chiefs, when he had a pick-six, a forced fumble, and a sack and a half. Plus, his name is fun to say. He's only played one defensive snap this season in garbage time, but will probably see a few, at least, behind Erik Walden this Sunday.
    He's still working on his Lambeau Leaps.

    The most interesting thing about this week is the match-up between fill-in left tackle Marshall Newhouse and NFL sack leader Jared Allen (who is only slightly less toolish after chopping his mullet. Ugh.)
    "I'm so cool!"
    Allen is having one of his best seasons in recent memory. I think a lot of the responsibility will fall to Aaron Rodgers getting the ball out of his hands quickly, which he's been pretty darn good at this season.

    Injuries: Sam Shields doubtful with a concussion. Marshall Newhouse missed Friday's practice for personal reasons, but is expected to start. Ryan Pickett was concussed at Thursday's practice (oh no!) but is expected to play Sunday (whew).

    If you like the Vikings, you blaspheme. 

    Monday, October 17, 2011

    Jim Harbaugh Apologizes for Having Strong, Manly Hands, and Other News

    • My mom was in the Detroit airport during the game, where they had the Packers-Rams game on in one terminal and the Steelers-Jaguars on in another ... but not the highly-anticipated, evenly-matched Lions-Niners game??
    • How bout that Rex Grossman-Kurt Coleman connection? Now if only they were on the same team... Coleman's three interceptions helped to contribute to Grossman's passer rating of (eek!) 23.7.
    "Thanks, Rex!"
    • Why is Denver trying to trade their best offensive player? Hellooo, Mr. Luck.
    • So how embarrassing was it to see Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz fighting at the end of the game? Sure, maybe Harbaugh was being a jerk with his smug, over-the-top postgame handshake - or maybe he was just really excited - either way, what was Schwartz thinking?? If it upset you that much, call him out to the media. Don't chase after him like a child fighting with his brother. And then, Jim S., you apologize in your postgame interview - you don't have to mean it, just do it. Because, if you refuse to throw out the standard "I let my emotions get the best of me" vague apology, you just come off as petulant as most of us already suspect you are. Instead, Schwartz bellyached about breached "protocol" - which is kinda funny coming from a guy who has a history of taunting opposing players and swearing at the refs. Also, this is the guy who was just mocking Jim Harbaugh from across the field when Harbaugh was penalized for challenging an unchallangeable play. Either way, J-Harb is the clear winner of this fight because, not only did he win the game, he also pretended to take the high road by saying, "It's on me. I shook his hand too hard," while really calling Schwartz a little girl for crying over a handshake.
    "My hands are soft and delicate!"
    •  There's a guy on St. Louis whose name is Michael Hoomanawanui. He's from Illinois.
    • Jay Cutler has put together back-to-back games where he's looked like the QB Chicago always hoped he would be. Isn't it nice when the offensive coordinator decides to give a crap about his quarterback? Cutler was poised, accurate, timely - basically, he was the antithesis of Jay Cutler.   
    Gratuitous, I know. I just couldn't help myself.
    • When Tom Brady got the ball back with 2:31 left in the game, down 16-13, did anyone think there was a chance he wouldn't score a touchdown? I was kinda cheering for Dallas (that's how much I hate New England), but gave up all hope when Dallas had to punt. Golden Boy and his evil overlord are now 116-33 in their career together. Wow.
    • Oakland's emergency quarterback is their punter! And he threw for a touchdown on a fake punt play! I just find that really cool.
    • I really like the shirt back-up (starting?) Redskins' quarterback John Beck wore for his postgame interview:
    •  Now, I would never wish ill on Aaron Rodgers. Or Matt Flynn, for that matter. Especially not Aaron - I love him to death. But, if they were both to be injured in a game, the Packers' emergency quarterback would be Jordy Nelson. I wonder if he would look as sexy throwing the ball as he does catching it. I'm betting yes.

      Friday, October 14, 2011

      Week 6: St. Louis at Green Bay

      So St. Louis is 0-4. Green Bay is 5-0.

      Rams' running back/beast Steven Jackson has been hampered this season because of a quad injury, but says he is now back to 100%. Without much of a passing game, the Rams hopes this proves true; I expect a lot of running from Jackson. The Packers' run defense is pretty solid, but if Jackson truly is back to his old form, he could be quite a challenge to contain.

      The Rams are also coming off a bye week. They're well-rested and have had two weeks to game plan for the Pack.  Throw in the fact that, at 0-4, they have nothing to lose, and I smell an upset! 24-14 Rams over the Packers!
      No. I'm totally just joking. The Rams have absolutely no chance of winning this game. Sorry.  They're missing their top THREE corners against the league's best offense. (And it's not like their starting corners were that good, either - I had never heard of any of the three.) Plus, their leading receiver, Danny Amendola, is out for the year after re-injuring the elbow/triceps he hurt in the season opener. Plus, the offense is not taking well to offensive coordinator Josh "He Still Has a Job?" McDaniels's scheme. Plus, poor Sam Bradford's getting destroyed behind his offensive line, having already been sacked 18 times. To put that in perspective, Bradford's been sacked as many times as Jay Cutler - BUT Jay's played five games and Bradford only four. I guess this means there does actually exist an offensive line that's worse than Chicago's. Can't be fun to be you, Sam.

      This game will bring Al Harris back to Lambeau. I know a lot of people didn't like Al, but I always really did.

      He always had such great hair, full and even dreads, not thin and scraggly like so many other players.
      Nice and kempt braids.

      And he and Woodson looked so good together.
      That's a nice looking tandem right there.
      And he liked to tackle. How often during a telecast did we have to hear the announcers use the word "physical" to describe Al?

      And now, in news that probably no one else cares about except for me and one of my sisters: Aaron Kampman is expected to be back on the field Sunday for the Jaguars! The former Packer is one of my all-time favoritest players ever and has had his last two seasons end with ACL tears in each knee. I hope he plays amazingly and never, ever gets hurt again.

      Monday, October 10, 2011

      Week 5 Recap: Mashed Potatoes, David Gruber, and also some Football

      So...I'm a little giddy from exhaustion, and I'm also pretty giggly from the sheer number of penalties that just occurred in the Lions-Bears game, so this post might not be quite as coherent as one might expect. (P.S. I feel bad for bashing Jay so much. His offensive line just sucks...SO MUCH.) (Also, is it bad that I'm kind of glad the Lions won?) Whatever.

      Cue badass picture of Packers walking slow-motion:

      Okay, here's the deal. The Packers started the game off-balance. After we lost Clifton, we were missing two of our most important offensive tackles, and it took us a while to readjust. But adjust we did, and we are still UNDEFEATED! (I can't do my undefeated dance. I'm too tired.)

      Can I just say that J-Fin bugs me sometimes?

      No, not because of that shark fin thing he does.

      Because he was all "Meh, give me the ball!" And then when he got it, he dropped it. Three times. As Greg Jennings would say:


      Speaking of Greg, quote of the week:

      "We didn't go all the way with Brett...but we did with Aaron."

      Heh. Anyways. Cool stuff that happened in the game (including the 12 different receivers that Aaron found!): 


      You can't stop me! Cross the plane!
       Charles Woodson was boss:

       Peprah did a good thing:

      Subway came up with a funny commercial that made me laugh.

      I'm sorry - "Any-tober"?

      I got "Febru-any". That made sense to me. But I don't get Anytober. But I still get a huge kick out of these commercials. By the way, does anyone else only get one thing at Subway, or is that just me? I seriously get the Subway melt every time.

      Speaking of commercials - Longish Tangent Approaching:

      Has anyone else noticed that Aaron Rodgers made very productive use of his summer?

      "Buy State Farm insurance, because I'm wearing a button-down shirt."
      "I'm going to lean against a Ford truck in a manly way, and talk about my relatives."
      I actually do bank with Associated Bank. There is Aaron Rodgers stuff EVERYWHERE.

       And my personal favorite:

      Too far, Aaron.
      Okay, back to the game. 

      So are the Packers a whiny team, or are the Falcons a bunch of dirty, cheap losers?

      Whiny complaints:

      Ryan Pickett: 

      “This was their Super Bowl. They really hate us. They were hitting us late after the play. There was some dirty play out there. We just kept our poise.

      "It's unnecessary. They call it playing physical. But it's after the whistle. It's not physical. We know it watching tape that [...] they like to hit after the whistle. You have to [be] watching yourself around the piles. They point at you if you react. We just felt like if we just punch them upfront at the start it would end that. It's frustrating to a point, but we know we have to dominate them upfront in between that stuff."

      B.J. Raji:

      “They have a long way to go. For it to be a rivalry, you have to win meaningful games. They’re just another opponent. They have a long way to go. I wouldn’t talk like this, but when people don’t respect you, I don’t take it lying down. Those people don’t respect us, so in turn I’m not going to give them any respect.

      "Great teams don't indulge in the kind of cheap stuff the Falcons do. We're the champions and we play that way. We walk away from the stuff they pull. These guys are coached to play after the whistle.

      "I don't know what the deal is. I think it's a lack of talent on their part. We didn't worry about any of that. We came out and played our game."

      Aaron Rodgers:

      “I just think that some of the general comments that I heard that that game was kind of a fluke, maybe. I would just say that I think you need to respect your opponents. We definitely respect the Falcons...I just felt like that maybe the respect level, just as far as those comments were concerned, maybe [wasn't] there at times.”

      Loser Falcons:


      Well then. I think that settles that.

      The Falcons are losers, who stoop to playing like pouting junior high kids. Better not try to flop in Green Bay, Hawley.

      In conclusion:

      1) Bud Light commercials are only very slightly surpassed in horrible comedic timing by Miller Light commercials.
      2) The Saints have the best pre-game chants.
      3) Thanksgiving is going to be amazing.
      4) Speaking of Thanksgiving, I love mashed potatoes.
      5) The Packers are 5-0, for the seventh time ever. Guess what happened the last 6 times they were 5-0?