Monday, January 20, 2014

Broncos vs. Seahawks: Yawn.

  • I'm already sick of talking about Richard Sherman and it's only Tuesday. I'm also sick of evaluating Peyton Manning's legacy/place in history/ranking compared to Tom Brady.

  • There isn't much to say about the Denver-New England game, as it was pretty boring. I know Denver's really good, and I know all of New England's players are either injured or in a jail cell, but sometimes it looked like the Patriots weren't even trying! There were definitely a few plays that could have benefited from some hustle.


  • Bill Belichick is apparently still angry at Wes Welker for daring to sign with another team after New England refused to sign him. On Monday, Belichick called Welker's hit on Patriots' cornerback Aqib Talib "one of the worst plays [he's] ever seen," (which seems just a touch dramatic) and said it "was a deliberate play by the receiver to take out Aqib." The hit sidelined Talib for the rest of the day, which was a big blow to the Patriots' defense, but I don't even think it was illegal. Here's the hit in question:

  • The Seattle-San Francisco game was depressing to anyone who's a fan of another NFC team. It sucks to think that the Packers will have to go through one or both of these teams for the next several years. There was a small comfort in watching Colin Kaepernick run wild against the Seahawks -- he had 130 rushing yards against one of the top defenses in the league. At least he doesn't do it just to Green Bay. =(

  • Here are some crazy Kaepernick rushing stats:
    • Of the top five rushing performances by a quarterback in NFL playoff history, Kaepernick holds three (Vick and McNabb are the other two).
    • Kaepernick is second to Steve Young  in all-time in postseason rushing yards by a quarterback.Young had 594 yards in 20 playoff starts; Kaepernick has 478 yards in six playoff starts.

  • On the play where Seattle fumbled and NaVarro Bowman got his knee hit at a disgusting angle, I just have one question: HOW IS THAT NOT REVIEWABLE? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A STUPID RULE? (Seattle ended up fumbling a couple of plays later, but that still doesn't soothe my anger at arbitrary, game-changing rules.)

  • As for Richard Sherman, he is probably the best corner in the league, and he's also a huge jerkface. You just broke the Niners' hearts, and now you feel the need to shove it in their faces? That is not very nice.

This is Sherman giving a "choke" sign to an off-camera
Colin Kaepernick. He's just "competitive," y'all.

  • Sherman wrote in his Monday Morning Quarterback column that he was just trying to say "good game" to Michael Crabtree, but that's a really aggressive way to say "good game" to the player you just outplayed to win a trip to the Super Bowl.

  • That, of course, is nothing to Sherman's psycho interview with poor Erin Andrews, who handled it as well as possible. 


  • There was, predictably, a lot of backlash to Sherman's behavior, but then there was a backlash to the backlash because the people in this world have too much time and too much access to the internet. FYI, peeps, it's possible to entertaining and spontaneous and not cliched without being a huge #%*-@*^$. 

  • As much as I hate him, though, there's no denying Sherman's talent.

  • A San Francisco fan apparently got to Sherman's Wikipedia page soon after the game.

  • As every pothead football fan will point out this week, the two states that have legalized marijuana are the two that are sending representatives to the Super Bowl.


  • There wasn't really anything to cheer for this past weekend except for one thing: a great shot of Jim Harbaugh's $8 khakis. And I got it.

Aww, I miss Charles.

  • The Packers lost not only quarterbacks' coach Ben McAdoo (now the Giants' offensive coordinator -- congrats!), but they also lost outside linebackers' coach -- and third all-time sacks leader and one-time WWF wrestler -- Kevin Greene, who wants to spend more time with his family. Losing Greene is really too bad; you just can't replace that kind of crazy on the sidelines:

Monday, January 13, 2014

NFL Football Without the Green Bay Packers Is Stupid

  • Soooo, I'll be cheering for the AFC in the Super Bowl.

  • As for the Saints-Seahawks game, WHAT WAS MARQUES COLSTON THINKING??????????

  • Seriously, you just got your best-case scenario there, Marques -- you got a catch on the sideline; all you have to do is step out of bounds! You'd have seven seconds left to set up a decent Hail Mary shot. WHY WOULD YOU THROW A FORWARD PASS? (This is, of course, a penalty, which meant a 10 second runoff and the end of the game.) Did he lose track of the time? Did he think the clock had already run out? Seven seconds is a long time to be off by. There's nothing more anti-climactic in a game than a run-off to end it.

  • I don't like the Saints that much. I find them to be whiny, arrogant, and entitled. That said, I would have still rather see them win than the dirty, obnoxious cheats that are the Seattle Seahawks.

pete carroll
If Pete Carroll ever retires, he should play villains in made-for-tv movies. He's got
that evil oil barren look down pat.

  • The Saints and Seahawks were at it even before the game, when Jimmy Graham got into it with a bunch of Seahawks.

It was ironic to hear the Seahawks after the game going on
about other teams talking too much.

  • Holder Josh McCown has obviously not watched Ace Ventura: Pet Detective enough.

  • It was a rough day for New Orleans special teams, as kicker Shayne Graham went 0-for-2 on the day. In actuality, I think both those misses are the fault of head coach Sean Payton. The weather conditions were terrible -- very windy and rainy -- and he had his kicker attempt two 45+ yard field goals? Not a fan of those calls at all.

  • Apparently, we can blame Sean Payton for the Marques Colston play, as well. Though both Colston and Payton admit the execution went wrong (so horribly wrong), it was actually a designed play! Ummm, trick plays involving laterals work about 0.004% of the time. And you had ELEVEN seconds at the start of the play! WHAT WAS SEAN PAYTON THINKING??????????

  • The 49ers and Panthers jawing at each other after every single play got old in a hurry. We get it guys; you're tough.

  • Cam Newton is becoming a soccer-level flopping problem. I've seen him do this multiple times on "late" hits and get the flag. 

  • Vernon Davis' touchdown was insane!! It's literally the utmost corner of the endzone. How did he do that?

  • Hey, Jim Harbaugh, you know what's a good way to make everyone hate you? Fake a punt with 23 seconds left in a playoff game when you have a 13-point lead.

Aww, keep your khakis on, Jim.

  • Poor Eric Decker broke off a fantastic punt return, weaving past Chargers' defenders, but as soon as he got into the open field, he ... tripped.

  • Philip Rivers was not pleased watching his defense.

  • The Chargers kept it close enough to make it mildly interesting, but they should have known not to go against Evil Manning.

Also, he has a football between his legs?

  • Patriots' running back LeGarrette Blount had a pretty nice day - four touchdowns, including this one in the fourth quarter.

There goes Blount! on Twitpic

  • With the matchups being Brady-Manning and Wilson-Kaepernick, I'm already sick of the innumerable "Old Guard vs. New Guard" articles that will be written this week.

  • Some people have worked themselves up into a righteous indignation over the fact that a division winner with a worse record get to host a game against a wild card team with a better record (such as the 8-7-1 Packers hosting the 12-4 Niners in less-than-ideal weather conditions). I understand the point, but why even have divisions then? I personally like the twist, even when it doesn't benefit the Packers (such as the 2009 Wild Card game against the Arizona Cardinals). To me, it puts a little twist in the playoffs and adds a little "wild" to Wild Card Weekend.

  • Another thing I hope they don't change is the number of playoff teams. As I've said before, I like that the NFL playoffs are so competitive that even good teams sometimes don't make it in. It makes each week of the season so meaningful and exciting! I prefer a smaller, more talented field, rather than watering it down for the sole purpose of the NFL making millions of more dollars. Why can't the owners just swim around in their rooms of gold coins and be happy?? YOU MAKE MORE THAN MANY COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD.

  • The Texans fired defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, but forgot to take his name off the mailing list.

  • One incarcerated man in Pennsylvania tried to get an injunction to remove the San Diego Chargers from the playoffs, citing the officiating error from the Chargers-Chiefs game that won San Diego a spot while leaving no more room in the playoffs for the Pittsburgh Steelers (though there's no guarantee that Succop would have made the re-kick, Steelers fans!). Good luck to you, sir. I'm sure the courts will get right on that.

Okay, fine, yes, I did choose this photo because
Jordy was in it.

  • Robert Griffin III went on a long-winded rant on Facebook about his game-day attire and the perils of fame. Chicago Bears' tight end Martellus Bennett was not sympathetic.

  • Tampa Bay hired former player Hardy Nickerson as their linebackers' coach. I always liked him when he was a player because of his name. His mother was obviously a big Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew fan (Nancy Drew's beau was named Ned Nickerson, duh.)

If he were a character, Hardy
Nickerson would be the mysterious
gentlemen  in the very pleated slacks.

  • Keenan Allen is Eddie Lacy's main competition for Offensive Rookie of the Year. Allen has caught     71 passes for 54 first downs and eight touchdowns as a receiver for the Chargers, but the most interesting number is 21. As in, this dude is trying to pretend that he's 21.

Nice try, buddy. 

  • I have a serious question: is Andrew Luck's mustache orange? Or was he just drinking orange-flavored Gatorade? I need to know!

Or nature?
  • This shirt is so cool!! I want it!

  • Once upon a time, it was promised that this blog would also feature cats, so here's my cat, sitting on my computer, and trying to pull a beer out of my hand so she can drink it all.
Yes, I am wearing a Snuggie, and I make
no apologies for it.

Monday, January 6, 2014

If Only...

  • So many “if onlys”! If only Micah Hyde had hung onto that interception on the last drive. If only Aaron hadn’t underthrown James Jones on that long pass. If only James Jones hadn’t dropped that underthrown pass. If only Davon House had blocked that last field goal.* (*House was offsides on the play, so it wouldn't have counted. But still.)
  • Here’s how close the Pack was to blocking the field goal (again, though, it wouldn't have counted ... but still.):


  • The biggest if only was if only Sam Shields had not gotten injured early in the first quarter. If Shields hadn’t been hurt, Jarrett Bush would not have been the one coming on the corner blitz on the final drive. Bush came at Kaepernick and -- for reasons absolutely unknown -- went inside, trying to bat the pass, rather than outside to keep Kaepernick contained in the pocket. As soon as he went inside, Kaepernick was able to step out to the side and run for the first down. Seriously, Jarrett Bush should only ever play special teams. Ever.

Why, Jarrett? Why did ya do it?

  • In addition to losing Shields, the Packers also lost linebackers Mike Neal and Andy Mulamba. Mulamba returned to the game, but the Packers were without a right outside linebacker while he was gone. They also loss left tackle David Bakhtiari, who was replaced by professional turnstile Marshall Newhouse.

This is not a picture of Marshall Newhouse. But this is a
picture of what happens when Marshall Newhouse plays.

  • Unlike most people, I really actually though Green Bay was going to win. I certainly didn’t foresee the offense being the main reason they lost. The offense put up only 281 yards in the game, and Rodgers had only 177, his fewest passing yards in a playoff game. San Fran forced the Packers to punt five times in the game, four of those being three-and-outs.

  • Didn’t it totally feel like the stars were aligned, though?? The incredible Dallas comeback; the never-ending injury list that the Packers kept on overcoming; Rodgers triumphant return in Week 17; the 4th-and-8 touchdown pass to Cobb to make the playoffs … it all seemed like something special was going to happen.

Remember how happy we all were just a week ago?

  • The defense broke down on the last drive in an awful way, but they were quite impressive, overall. Without their best linebacker (Clay Matthews), their best defensive lineman (Johnny Jolly), and their two best cornerbacks (Casey Hayward, then Shields), as well as a litany of other injuries on defense, they really stepped up, won the turnover battle, and gave Green Bay a fighting chance.

  • Tramon Williams, who may have played his last game as a Packer, had a strong game. He had solid coverage, as well as an interception. He actually gained more yards on his interception return than the entire Green Bay offense to that point in the game (eek). And I have to say that, even though it wasn't very nice, I loooooved how Tramon was about to step out of bounds, but came back to put a lick on Niners' quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Colin Kaepernick

  • The defense's strong showing was against a team that has averaged 537 yards against them in the last two meetings, and a quarterback that has put up 878 yards against them in the last two games.

  • While I was pleased, I was also shocked at how little San Francisco ran the ball. This a team that is third in the league in rushing yards going against a Packers defense that’s ranked 25th in the league in stopping the run, and yet they threw the ball as much as they ran it (30 attempts apiece). Not sure at all what Jim Harbaugh was thinking.

In all his be-khakied glory.

  • Poor Randall Cobb took the loss pretty hard, assigning himself the blame for getting tackled at the 9-yard line; the Packers ended up settling for a field goal. "I’ve got to get better at breaking tackles," he said, "If I want to be a great player, not just a good player, I have to do more; I have to be more." 
Oh, no, Green Eyes, you're perfect! It's not your fault! It's
Jarrett Bush's fault!

  • Eddie Lacy continued to be a beast, gaining 81 very hard-earned yards. I'm so glad we have him now.

I have to find the positives from the season.

  • John Kuhn scored a touchdown, but had a little trouble on the Lambeau Leap. Watch out for that ice patch, Kuhn!

  • HOW DID AARON RODGERS DO THAT? (*Answer: there was a huge hold that wasn't called. But still amazing.)

  • Colin Kaepernick’s hat is stupid. He looks like a damned smurf.

  • Three coaches have notched playoff victory in each of their three seasons -- Jim Harbaugh and John Harbaugh are two of them. Blech.

  • If you’re the Kansas City Chiefs, what’s the absolute worst thing that can happen? Oh, losing star running back Jamaal Charles, which is exactly what happened on the first drive of their game against the Colts. Charles accounted for one-third of the Chiefs offensive yards on the season. He's the kind of guy who can do this:

  • I was pretty tired on Saturday, so after the Chiefs went up 38-10 on the Colts, I turned the game off. Not my best call. When I turned it on again, Indianapolis was in victory formation. Crazy!

  • The Chiefs did lost several players to injury during the game, but how do you collapse like that?? Once the Colts got going, everything seemed to go their way, including this unlucky, then really lucky, play:

  • I love how Luck doesn’t even hesitate diving in; pure instinct.(*NB: that is a lucky play, not a Luck-y play. That "pun" is not clever, it's overused, and it's time it died a merciful death.)

  • Someone should tell Dwayne Bowe that cornrows with a center part is not a good look.

  • And they’re messy.

  • I’ll bet KC kicker Ryan Succop was really quiet in school. You don’t want to be the one answering the teacher’s questions when your name is “Succop.”

  • Philip Rivers was downright giddy in his postgame conference. Must have been the bolo tie, which is not his first bolo tie of the season.

"Hey, if you were wearing this, you'd feel pretty good, too."

  • After squeaking into the playoffs, San Diego got the easiest win of Wild Card Weekend against the Cincinnati Bengals. Philip Rivers was very excited (even without the bolo tie).

  • Luckily for the Chargers, they were playing Andy Dalton, who threw two really bad interceptions, in addition to a fumble. He was so bad that people on Twitter started calling him Andy Romo. (Seriously, people? Poor Tony can’t catch a break even when he’s recovering from back surgery and has nothing to do with the games that are being played.) I’m not football-smart enough to know how much is on Dalton and how much is on head coach Marvin Lewis, but Dalton looked like he was melting down for all of the 4th quarter.

  • Andy Dalton did throw his first postseason touchdown on Sunday, but the Bengals extended their streak without a playoff win to 23 years. Dalton has led his team to the playoffs in each of his first three seasons, but has failed to get a win. It's hard to say about a guy who's 3-for-3 in making the playoffs, but it might be time to move on from the Andy Dalton Experiment.

(I still think the fact that his hair matches his uniform is some kind
of bad omen. They shoulda known.)

  • I’m not a huge fan of Mike Mayock announcing games, but, on Saturday, he correctly used “effect” as a verb. I was quite impressed. *Golf clap*

  • The Cleveland Browns don’t do much right (obvs), but trading away Trent Richardson was one of them. They got draft picks and the Colts got a guy who fumbles the ball, unforced, on his first touch of the postseason.

  • The Texans fired defensive coordinator Wade Phillips. I have to think this is because Phillips wanted to be head coach and not defensive coordinator. If not, that’s one of the stupidest things in the world. He took a team that was ranked 30th in defense in 2010 and made them a top 10 defense in each of the next three seasons.

  • Davon House has a blog? I love that! He and I are totes going to become blogging buddies.

  • San Francisco offensive lineman Anthony Davis doesn’t like Green Bay, apparently. WATCH YO MOUTH!

  • Seattle’s running back Marshawn Lynch was fined $50,000 by the league for refusing to speak to the media (which is in his contract) all season long. The weird part is that the league just noticed that Lynch hadn’t fulfilled his media obligations for the previous, oh, five months. The NFL notices when guys don’t wear the right colored socks, but not when a marquee player doesn’t talk to the media for an entire season??

  • Aaron Rodgers holds the top TWO spots for completion percentage to a particular receiver over the last three seasons. Those are my boys!

They also hold the unofficial record for
Hottest Superstar Trio.

  • Jay Cutler signed a seven-year contract with the Chicago Bears. (Which, I have to say, is the smart move. Cutler knows the offense and has a good relationship with his receivers. Josh McCown played well, but there's a long line of backups who played well for a short period of time before crumbling as starters [See Flynn, Matt]. The Bears will be able to cut him in three years without much of financial hit, if they so desire.) But I'm just really, really, really happy that Green Bay will get to play Jay at least twice a year for the foreseeable future.

"Fine. Seven Years. Sure. Whatever. I don't care."

  • The Minnesota Vikings continue to be the Minnesota Vikings, even in the offseason. Middle linebacker Erin Henderson was arrested on suspicion of a DUI, which is par for the course for NFL players, but Henderson really stands out, as this is his second DUI arrest in six weeks. Skoal!

  • Mike Pereira, the most insufferable man alive, wrote the most insufferable article, titled "What an Amazing Weekend for the NFL Officials," in which he trumpeted how great the officiating this weekend was (i.e. no terribly botched calls). This comes after a season in which the refs embarrassed the league week after week, but, hey, great job at meeting the minimum requirements of your duties, guys!

Ugh. His face makes me want to throw up.

  • Also, I hate football and I don’t care at all about next week.