This Is the Worst Thing That Could Ever Happen in the World.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

• No Rodgers. No Clay. No Randall. No Jermichael. No Lang. No Perry. No Mulamba. No Barrington. AND DID I MENTION NO AARON CHARLES RODGERS??

• So -- breathe -- Aaron Rodgers, our star quarterback and the best player in the league -- deep breath -- has fractured his collarbone. Considering the diagnosis, the fact that the Packers are viewing this as a "week-to-week" injury makes me cautiously (desperately? delusionally?) optimistic.

Please, please, please be okay, Aaron!

• In other injury news, Jermichael Finley was put on injured reserve, officially ending his season. Linebacker Sam Barrington was also put on the IR (do they have any linebackers left??).

• Let's all hope and pray that right guard T.J. Lang doesn't miss any time after suffering a concussion against the Bears. Right tackle Don Barclay, who has struggled in pass protection, was moved to right guard and Marshall Newhouse came in at right tackle. I don't like to be mean to any of my Packers, but I just don't have any faith left in Newhouse.

• I'm trying my best to stay positive, so another sliver of good news is that Clay Matthews had the pins from his wrist removed and is slated to get back to the practice field this week. We need Triple G (The Greek God of the Gridiron, duh) back!

I miss the hair. I miss the biceps. But mostly, I miss
the ability to pressure opposing QBs.

• As if anything left on this earth mattered after the first drive of Monday night's game, but there is the rest of the game to discuss.

• Perhaps what upset me most, aside from LOSING AARON RODGERS, was how Mike McCarthy chose not to challenge the Andrew Quarless incompletion late in the first half! On a key third down, Seneca Wallace threw to Quarless on the sideline, Quarless bobbled the ball as he fell to the ground and it was ruled incomplete. There was some chance that the call would have been overturned, as Quarless looked like he had established possession a split second before his knee hit the ground, but McCarthy chose not to challenge for some absolutely incomprehensible reason, even though he had all three timeouts! Why didn't ya challenge, Mike, why? Even if the call was upheld, it totally would have been worth spending a timeout!

What was there to even think about??

• I wasn't a huge fan of McCarthy's playcalling the whole game, but his playbook did shrink to about 1/23 its usual size after he lost his MVP- and Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

• Special teams played well, which still doesn't fix Aaron's collarbone, but good job, I guess. Jamari Lattimore had a great game, not only blocking a punt (yay!), but also recovering the awesome onside kick.

Also, I like your hair.

• I knew the Packers were going to do an onside kick this game! They took Tim Masthay off of kickoffs last week and I swore it was so they could have the onside kick option! No kicker in the league is better at onside kicks than Mason Crosby. He always gets it to go the needed 10 yards while putting it in the best spot for his teammates. Props to McCarthy for the fantastic call.

• Eddie Lacy had a good game, but the run game is going to get significantly harder now that teams will be able to pretty much put 10 defenders in the box.

Eddie has no time for the weak stuff that #47 is trying to bring.

• I love watching Sam Shields in coverage. (I do have to note that he is terrible at tackling, though.) He's so good, even against the big receivers like Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey. Yes, the Bears receivers had good games, but, defensively, I put that more on the lack of quarterback pressure than on the defensive backs.

• I think Brandon Marshall is a fantastic player, but he should be called for holding or a push-off on every single play. That man does not know how to block legally.

Geez,get off him, Sam.

• So Josh McCown looked really good behind center for the Bears. I actually hope he continues to play well so that when Jay Cutler takes the field, fans will cry for his benching at the first interception.

"McCown" doesn't quite roll off the tongue like
"Tebow" does, but I'll still lead the chant.

• The Packers defense had a rough second half. The offense couldn't stay on the field and the defense couldn't get off of it, so I imagine they were pretty darn tired at the end. Still, it would have been nice if they could have come up with one significant stop during Chicago's final, 37-minute drive.

• Sooooo Seneca Wallace. Hmmm. Hard to get a firm take on him. 1) His name is cool. 2) He has really terrible career stats. 2a) But he's played for some really terrible teams. 3) He was dreadful Monday. 3a) But he hasn't really had much practice time.

4) He looks like he has as much confidence here as I have in him.

• Obviously nothing else matters besides Aaron's shoulder, but I guess there were other things happening this week, too.

• I don’t particularly like Redskins' coach Mike Shanahan, but I’m going to have to side with him on his assessment of Albert Haynesworth. After a former teammate called out Haynesworth for openly signing with teams, cashing the signing bonus, and then purposely getting cut, Haynesworth responded with a bunch of yakking about his former teammate being stupid and his former head coach being at fault. Shanahan responded by saying: ''When you don't get along with somebody as a head coach or an assistant coach, it usually falls into one of those areas - lazy, lack of passion, and, a lot of times, lack of character -- and he fits all three.'' Snap.

One of my all-time favorite Onion headlines.

• Adrian Peterson, you may have noticed, is other-worldly. Leslie Frazier is starting to catch on that when you give the ball to Adrian Peterson, good things happen. Huh, who would’ve guessed? Peterson was absolutely not to be denied on this touchdown.

• Poor Tony Romo gets so much flak for his worst-possible-timing mistakes, but in the Cowboys' four losses this season, Romo has thrown for 11 touchdowns and just one interception, with a passer rating of 115.3. He also has the league's 31st-ranked pass defense.

I tried to tell them, Tony, but no one will listen.

• San Diego had the ball on the one-foot line and a fresh set of downs with a chance to win the game and couldn’t get the ball in. After running on first down, the Chargers ran two weird, low-probability-of-success pass plays before having to kick the field goal to tie the game and send it into overtime, where they lost. I get that their run game was a little shaky, but why do you pass twice from the one-foot line???

• Because of the Chargers’ ineptitude, the Redskins were able to overcome RGIII throwing an incredibly unlucky interception in his own endzone.
  

• The babies-dressed-as-NFL-coaches-for-Halloween crowd really brought their A game.

The crying Rob Ryan was pretty good...

...but how do you beat Baby Andy Reid?

• What is going on with the Jets?? They beat the Saints! I suppose 200 yards rushing helped, 149 of them from former Saint Chris Ivory.

• New Orleans even had some crazy goofy luck on this Robert Meachum catch:

• The Bengals lost to the Dolphins on a safety in overtime! Miami’s beast of a defensive end, Cameron Wake, provided the sack.

• The night got worse for Cincinnati, who lost their star defensive player, Geno Atkins, for the season with an ACL injury. The Bengals can at least comfort themselves with the fact that they have a fantastic rookie running back. Check out this run!

• Atlanta lost yet again, this time to Carolina, but the real storyline was the meeting of Carolina defender Greg Hardy and Atlanta kicker Matt Bryant, who had a little tiff last year when Hardy called Bryant “small and weird shaped.” Gauntlet thrown!

Hardy's defense: "He is, is he not?"

• When Peyton Manning tied the NFL record for most touchdowns in an NFL game in the season opener, I think we all foresaw the next quarterback to join that club would be Philadelphia backup Nick Foles. Foles threw seven touchdowns against Oakland before taking a seat in the fourth quarter.

• Just to note, the Oakland Raiders have thrown seven touchdowns all season, which I don’t even want to make fun of; it just makes me feel sad.

• Former Packer Tom Crabtree had this ridiculous-looking and super dangerous touchdown reception, which was thrown by the running back. Yet that wasn’t enough to keep Tampa Bay from blowing a big lead against Seattle.

• Speaking of Tampa Bay, it’s time for our weekly check-in on what dysfunction is going on there. This time, the issue is that defensive tackle Gerald McCoy was taken to task by his coaches for -- gasp! -- helping an opponent up off the field.

"No! What are you talking about? Totally happy and healthy situation here."

• What the heck is going on in Miami?? Offensive tackle Jonathan Martin reportedly stormed out of the team facility after being teased in the team cafeteria last week. He is said to have suffered an emotional breakdown and has sought out psychiatric treatment. Rumor is that Martin has been the target of repeated hazing and teasing from teammates, particularly Richie Incognito. Who knows what has happened, but it’s not hard to believe nasty things about Incognito, who takes pride in the fact that his NFL peers regularly vote him one of the dirtiest player in the league for his hits after the whistle, as well as his reputation for twisting ankles and gouging eyes in the pile. Martin did not officially file a complaint with the players union for several days after the news broke, reportedly out of fear of retaliation from Incognito, who has sent him abusive and threatening texts and voicemails. Incognito has since been suspended indefinitely by the team.

Sounds like a real charmer.

• After Brandon Meriweather threatened to take out opponents’ knees since he’s been suspended for helmet-to-helmet hits, the NFL Players’ Association tried to smooth things over. The NFLPA president said he “knows” Merriweather is sorry for his comments. Merriweather had no comment. That sounds like sincere remorse to me.

• Philadelphia running back LeSean McCoy on Oakland quarterback Terrelle Pryor: “I tried to recruit him to [University of Pittsburgh], but we couldn’t afford him.”

Ya know, because Pryor got kicked out of school for taking payments....

• Last week, I said the pass interference call on Tramon Williams was the worst pass interference penalty ever called. I was wrong:

No, seriously, they called P.I. on the Redskins defender.

• All the teams in the dreadful NFC East won this week. Well, the New York Giants were on a bye this week, which pretty much counts as a win for them.

• I swear this blooper, courtesy of the St. Louis Rams, was choreographed. They need to work on the dismount a little bit, but other than that, pretty smooth.

• Tom Brady had a really good game this weekend, throwing for 432 yards and 4 touchdowns. He seemed to be really enjoying himself.

• Sooooo Matt Flynn was just cut the other day....

Just sayin.

Aww, the Minnesota Vikings Actually Thought They Had a Chance!

• Look, I know I’m biased because I’m deeply in love with him, but how amazing is Jordy Nelson?? Seven receptions for 123 yards and two touchdowns, including an absolutely incredible endzone catch early on. Furthermore, Jordy recovered yet another onside kick - he always is in the right place at the right time on onside kicks. He might have the best hands in the league.

And biceps. And smile. And face.

• Aaron Rodgers didn’t have a bad night himself, completing 24-of-29 throws, a completion rate of 83%!! Of his five incompletions, two were throwaways and at least one was a drop.

• How do you defend Rodgers-to-Nelson? Since 2009, they’ve averaged 11.4 yards per pass and a 138.5 passer rating - tops in the league in both categories. Note that the 11.4 yards is per pass, not completion.

Money in the bank.

• The only reason Rodgers’ numbers weren’t gaudier is because the run game had a productive night, as well. Eddie Lacy and James Starks combined for 151 yards and a touchdown apiece. If Starks can stay healthy for more than 45 minutes at a time, he provides a nice change of pace to Lacy’s bruising, hard-earned yards.

Plus he's always happy and smiling!

• The Packers offense was quite efficient, scoring on every single possession except for their final drive, during which they simply knelt to run out the clock. Not a single punt!

• The game didn’t start off in the best way, with Green Bay giving up a touchdown return from Cordarrelle Patterson on the opening kickoff. The rookie gained 228 yards on five kickoff returns.

• Micah Hyde made up for whiffing on a tackle that allowed Patterson’s touchdown return by returning a punt 93 yards for a touchdown himself.

I love it when rookies get their first NFL touchdown!!

• What I find most shocking is how Christian Ponder is playing ahead of Matt Cassel -- what is Minnesota thinking?? Cassel is not an elite quarterback, but he’s significantly better than Ponder.

• Minnesota owner Zygi Wilf is wearing one of those Groucho Marx disguises, right?

He's on the lam.

• There are those Packer fans who hate GM Ted Thompson for unknown reasons, but I don’t think any other team in the league can say that all but three of their players were their own draft picks, much less a division-leading team.

• The biggest disappointment from the game was that the defense didn’t notch a single turnover -- against Christian Ponder! And how awful was the pass interference call on Tramon Williams right before the half that allowed Minnesota to score a touchdown? Tramon did no more than gently graze the hip of Greg Jennings.

They're just jealous of your dazzling smile.

• Speaking of Greg, he had a rough night. Before the game, Jennings offered a more sincere apology to Aaron Rodgers, but when asked (yet again) about Jennings, Rodgers only said, “I don’t have time to think about those things.” In the game, Greg caught just one pass for nine yards, which was greeted with boos from the Packer fans in the crowd. Then he got creamed by his teammate running for the endzone:

• After the game, Jennings shared an incredibly awkward midfield meeting with Rodgers. Aaron seemed desperate to escape, and Greg equally unwilling to release him from his grip. It didn’t look fun for anyone.

"Pleasepleaseplease take me back!"

• The rest of the weekend’s games were pretty boring -- except for the Detroit-Dallas game. The Lions finished with 623 yards to the Cowboys’ 268, and 29 first downs to Dallas’ 13. Yet Detroit only won by one. How, you ask? Here’s how six consecutive drives went for Detroit: interception, punt, interception, punt, fumble, fumble. That’s how you completely dominate a team and need a crazy, last-second touchdown to win.

• So here’s how the final minute-and-a-half went: Dallas had a three-point lead and the ball. Detroit had two timeouts. ALL Dallas has to do is run out the clock. They’re on their way to a victory, when they get called for a holding penalty, which stops the clock. Because of the stoppage, Dallas has to kick a field goal to take a six-point lead and Detroit got the ball back with just 1:02 left. A 37-yard pass; spike to stop the clock; then a 40-yard pass; then a 22-yard pass -- Calvin Johnson is stopped right on the goal line! Quarterback Matthew Stafford starts screaming, trying to get his teammates to the line and signalling that he’s going to spike the ball to stop the clock. 

• Just before the snap, Stafford sees that Dallas, assuming the spike, is not prepared, so he jumps over his unaware linemen and over the goal line for a touchdown to win!!!!

• Stafford is very, very, very lucky that went well. Could you imagine how much trouble he might have been in if he went for a quarterback sneak without telling his coaches or teammates and didn’t succeed?

• I usually reserve a space each week to laud Calvin Johnson for whatever amazing thing he’s done this time, but this week is particularly incredible: he caught 14 of 16 targets for 329 yards! That’s more than the entire Cowboy’s offense! Seven of his receptions were 20+ yards! He can do anything.

• The one bright spot for Dallas is linebacker Sean Lee. I don’t watch a lot of Cowboys football, but every time I do, Lee is making a big-time play. He had 10 tackles to go with his two interceptions.

Bonus points for looking nothing like an athlete.

• Eli Manning and the New York Giants’ offense look incompetent. Luckily for them, they were playing the Philadelphia Eagles.

• Watch out for those Giants -- they’re on a two-game roll!

• I am not a DeAngelo Hall fan, but I love this interception.

• The stupid cannon in Tampa Bay dysfunctioned a few times on Thursday night -- probably from disuse -- and took Carolina quarterback Cam Newton by surprise. In his defense, he is from Atlanta.

• The Jacksonville Jaguars do not have much going for them, but at least their mascot, Jaxson DeVille was able to amuse the London crowd by streaking in Wembley Stadium.

• This is one of the coolest interceptions I’ve ever seen, and great teamwork from the Pats. Dudes have clearly been practicing on the volleyball court.

• Dez Bryant lives up to his reputation by blowing up at his coach, quarterback, and tight end. But don’t worry, Jerry Jones says it’s all cool.

• Okay, maybe I was wrong about Dez. I don't think he should act that way on the sideline, but maybe he really was saying positive things?

• I know Atlanta has a million injuries, but still, how are they this bad?? They were a popular pre-season pick to win it all and are now just 2-5.

Matty Ice ... Ice Cold! Heh.

• I have a problem with Brandon Meriweather and his helmet-to-helmet hits. As I feared, the league reduced his two-game suspension to one. But don’t worry, I really think he’s learned his lesson. Here’s what he had to say:

“I guess I just got to take people’s knees out. That’s the only way. I would hate to end a guy’s a career over a rule, but I guess it’s better other people than me getting suspended for longer.

“You just have to go low now, man. You’ve got to end people’s careers. You got to tear people’s ACLs and mess up people’s knees. You can’t hit them high anymore.”

• Meriweather also took issue with Chicago’s Brandon Marshall (who was on the receiving end of a Meriweather illegal hit) saying that people like Meriweather should be kicked out of the league. Said Meriweather of Marshall:

“He feels like I need to be kicked out of the league? I feel like people who beat their girlfriends should be kicked out of the league, too. You tell me -- who you’d rather have? Someone who plays aggressive on the field of someone who beat up their girlfriend?”

• Marshall has had more than few domestic violence arrests, so I have to side with Meriweather on that point. But on the football front, Meriweather needs to stop acting like his only options are to concuss people or take out their knees. There are many, many, many defensive backs in the league who manage to make plays without severely injuring the opponent.

• Hmmmm, why does everyone hate Golden Tate and the Seahawks so much, I wonder??

At least he got a 15-yard penalty for taunting.

• Man, how much does it suck to be Beanie Wells? The poor dude was just looking for employment when he tried out for the Baltimore Ravens this week. Unfortunately for him, he injured his Achilles and will not be able to play again this season. 

And his name's Beanie.

• You know who doesn’t like headsets? That petulant baby with the ridiculous goatee who coaches the Lions.

• Peyton Manning doesn’t have a lot of firsts left to accomplish in his career, but he got his first holding penalty for this funny tackle of the guy who was trying to recover Manning’s fumble.

• Denver still won, of course, thanks in part to Wes Welker, who is, um, really happy to be a Bronco?

• Great news, everybody. Clay Matthews will get the pins taken out of his wrist next week, and, if all goes well, he might be able to play the following week.

Please hurry, Clay. I miss watching you destroy quarterbacks.