Monday, September 5, 2016

2016 Offseason Edition

The Dream Team's back together!!

  • This was just going to be a light-hearted offseason recap, but then the Green Bay Packers went and released Josh Sitton!! He’s been a stalwart left guard for the Packers, their strongest lineman, their most consistent, their most durable, and has been considered one of the best guards in the league! Why, Ted Thompson, why?? No one saw this coming! And no matter what they say, the Pack can’t feel great about replacing a Pro Bowler with Lane Taylor (who always makes me think of a women’s clothing store). It sounds like Sitton wanted a contract extension, and the Packers had too many concerns about his health (he’s struggled with back injuries) and his cost.
Also, I feel bad for all his o-linemen friends. That chemistry
is really important in an offensive line!

  • I really want to wish Sitton well, but then he went and signed with the CHICAGO BEARS!!! I can’t blame Sitton for taking a 3-year, $21.75 million contract ($10 million guaranteed) with a chance to play his old team twice a year, but now I can’t say, “Best of luck, Josh!” because him playing well means fewer Jay Cutler sacks, and you know I can’t cheer for that.

  • While we’re getting out all of our sad news, the Packers also released punter Tim Masthay. I’m not sure if this is a move they’ll regret or not -- former Tampa Bay Buccaneers punter Jacob Schum, newly signed, has looked good in preseason -- but I’m sad for Masthay, who hoped to play his entire career in Green Bay and seems like such a nice guy! For example, here’s what Masthay had to say about his replacement: “I hope Jake plays fantastic [in his first preseason game with Green Bay], and I hope he goes on to have a fantastic career here. I wish all the best for him, and I hope he has a great experience with the organization.” Awww, I’ll miss you, Ginger Wolverine!
Also, I feel bad for his bff Mason Crosby. =(

  • I’ll keep the hits coming: backup QB Scott Tolzien left in free agency. I guess all my #ActivateTolzien hashtags will now belong to the Indianapolis Colts.

  • Oh yeah, and B.J. RAJI RETIRED!!! It came as a huge surprise that the 29-year-old defensive lineman walked away after deciding his heart just wasn’t in it.
We'll miss you, B.J.!

  • The Packers cut someone named Alstevis Squirewell, which I think was a mistake, because how often are you going to have the chance to put “Alstevis Squirewell” on your roster?

  • Casey Hayward was a victim of Green Bay’s stacked cornerback position and so left the Pack in free agency, signing with the San Diego Chargers. You got a great cornerback, San Diego -- maybe he’ll actually get the playing time he deserves there.

  • I really don’t particularly care about Peyton Manning, but it makes me really sad that he turned down a one-day contract with the Colts to retire as a Denver Bronco. I get that he had his triumphant comeback and sunset Super Bowl with the Broncos, but he played 14 seasons with Indianapolis! Poor Colts fans.

  • Skip Bayless, of blowhard notoriety, mercifully has left ESPN’s First Take, so we’ll at least be spared the incoherence and banality of Bayless and Stephen A. Smith shouting nonsensical words at the same time. In honor of Skip, who has the unique talent of always being wrong while simultaneously insisting that he is absolutely 100% right, here are his 10 dumbest tweets.
It was really difficult to choose which of these to screenshot.
So many idiotic tweets to choose from.

  • I make fun of the monstrosity that is JerryWorld often, but the Dallas Cowboys’ stadium was put to good use this offseason, hosting 100 underprivileged kids for a giant sleepover on the field. Each kid got his own personalized bed, decked out with Cowboys gear, and the beds were delivered to the kids’ homes next day, courtesy of the sponsor. Pretty cool, Cowboys.

  • Umm speaking of the Cowboys … I had a lot of slightly unkind jokes primed for the start of the season, most of them involving Tony Romo and his frail back. Now that Romo is actually out for the first 6-10 weeks with a broken bone in his back, I will skip the jokes because I feel bad.
"Please, coach! I'm in so much pain! Please don't make me play!"

  • I half expected a patented Jerry Jones, “We expect Tony to start Week 1, unless the doctors discover that he’s a big sissy” statement, but it looks like we’ll have to wait until Week 4 or 5 for that.
Yep, there it is.

  • At least Dak Prescott is not Kellan Moore … or Brandon Weeden … or Matt Cassel…
The bad news is that Mark Sanchez is still Mark Sanchez.

  • I’m also very sad for Teddy Bridgewater, the Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback who destroyed his knee in practice last week and is out for the entire season.
Get better soon, Teddy!

  • The Vikings gave up a first-round pick, along with a conditional fourth-rounder, to acquire Sam Bradford from the Philadelphia Eagles to replace Bridgewater. This is very interesting. On the one hand they gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to their current backup, Shaun Hill!

  • On the same hand, the Vikes gave up their 2017 first-round pick (!!!) for a quarterback who has almost identical statistics to the recently released Mark Sanchez, for whom the Cowboys gave up nothing.

  • On the other hand, Minnesota has a crazy good defense, an aging Adrian Peterson, and had a great shot at a deep playoff run. Many have them as their sleeper pick even. As much as I like Shaun Hill -- and I actually like him a lot -- it seems like a stretch to envision him leading a team to a Super Bowl, so I understand Minnesota’s urgency. What I don’t understand is Minnesota’s long-term plan. What happens next season? The Vikings have taken on Bradford onerous contract which, I believe, is guaranteed through the 2017 season. What will they do next offseason when (if?) Bridgewater is ready to return? Is this a sign that Bridgewater’s injury is so severe that they’re looking beyond 2016? Or are they just desperate not to waste this talented roster?

  • Have we talked about how darn endearing Andrew Luck is? The guy runs his own book club, with selections for both children and adults, and he still uses a flip phone. The multi-, multi-, multi-millionaire finally upgraded his phone this summer and got a … new flip phone. God bless Andrew Luck.

  • Uuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh that awful Mike Pereira wrote his own book, After Further Review. Blech. Real clever title there, Mike. I wonder if the actual pages are greasy with his oily smugness. I  might have to buy this book just so I can give it a scathing Amazon review.
"It's so weird how this book I put next to Troy
Aikman is, like, right there next to Troy Aikman."

  • I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but I haven’t wanted to say anything in the hopes that he’d change it, but Julius Peppers’ hair is not working for him. He looks like he’s trying too hard to look hip. It's the equivalent of a 50-year-old woman wearing chunky platform heels and a mini-skirt.
It's just a little too Roger from Sister, Sister for me.

He's got looks, he's got brains -- what doesn't Green Eyes have??

  • Okay, okay, all of this has just been small talk. We all know what this season’s really about: JORDY NELSON IS BACK!!!!!!! After a long and dark 2015 season in which Jordy never took the field, the dawn has broken upon the world once more.
You have no idea how much we (I) missed you, Jordy.

  • The Packers have been cautious with Nelson, to say the least. All year long, he was said to be well ahead of schedule after tearing his ACL last August. He experienced a “hiccup” in his uninjured knee sometime around training camp, but insists it fine. He did not play in any preseason, but says he’s a “full go” to start Week 1.

  • In the offseason, Jordy teamed up with Jockey to tell his story of adopting his son and to encourage adoption. Aaaaawwwwwwwww! That’s so adorable! I mean, could he be any more perfect??? (You can imagine my reaction when I first saw this.)

  • And here’s Jordy just, ya know, doing some push-ups while his kids play.

  • And here he is just hanging out, being a rugged farmer.

  • I’M SO GLAD HE’S BACK! (So is Clay.)

  • First up: Jacksonville. Don't sleep on the Jaguars!

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