Happy Thanksgiving, I Guess.

• This was the least fun Green Bay Packer game I have ever watched. There was no glimmer of hope that they could storm back. It was just waiting out the slaughter.

• I'm just going to start listing some really depressing statistics:

• Detroit put up 561 yards while Green Bay amassed a grand total of 126. The Packers managed only 24 rushing yards. 
• The Packers had seven first downs to Detroit's 30 (!), and not a single rushing first down. 
• Green Bay was 2-of-10 on third-down conversions, while Detroit converted 9 of their 12 third-down attempts.
• Green Bay held the ball for 19:34, while the Lions had it for 40:26.
• The Packers completed 10 passes. The whole game.

• Now let’s count the Detroit Lions who scored more touchdowns than the entire Green Bay offense: Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Reggie Bush, Joique Bell, Kevin Ogletree, and Jeremy Ross.

• Yes, that Jeremy Ross. As in, the guy who could not hang on to a ball if his life depended on it while on the Packers, but suddenly can put up 145 all-purpose yards when he puts on a Lions uniform. YOU OWE US AT LEAST ONE GAME, JEREMY!

We haven't forgotten, Jeremy.

• I couldn’t decide which was worse, the offense or the defense. The defense allowed 561 yards and their tackling looked like a Three Stooges skit. Detroit punted once during the game! On the other hand, the defense at least forced four turnovers and scored a touchdown. What did the offense do?

• The offensive line allowed seven sacks. Matt Flynn wasn’t doing much himself, but he didn’t exactly have a lot of much time. Center Evan Dietrich-Smith was injured, meaning the right guard switched to center and Marshall Newhouse (noooooooooooooo!) came in at right guard. Newhouse was eventually benched for a rookie lineman. I’m sure he’s a very nice guy, but Newhouse needs to go in the offseason. He’s a huge liability.

• Lineman TJ Lang summed it up nicely: “Probably the worst (expletive) offensive day in the history of the (expletive) Packers.”

• Some sorta positive news for the offensive line was that Derek Sherrod played in his first game since December of 2011, when he broke both multiple bones in his right leg.

• To counteract that sorta positive news, here’s some definitely terribly news: Jonathan Franklin has been put on the IR. Franklin suffered a concussion/neck injury in the Minnesota game a week ago and was put on the IR on Thursday. Neither Franklin nor the team has said anything more about the injury.

• But good news! The Packers have signed a washed-up former Chicago running back. That makes me feel a lot better.

• To understand how bad the Packers injury situation has been this year, check this out: the Packers played their 57th player on special teams on Thursday. That’s more than an entire team’s worth! And that 57th player was on the practice squad just the day before he played in Thursday's game.

This could be their warmups, or it could be the bodies strewn across the field at the end of each game

• The hope is obviously that Rodgers will be ready to play by next game, at which point he will have to play well enough to overcome not only the opponent, but his defense, too. The Packers would need to win all their remaining games and get some help on top of it. There is a report, however, that Rodgers might not be able to play next week, at which Green Bay would have to start thinking of shutting Rodgers down for the season. Rodgers has said he'll play next Sunday, but I'm sure the team will have something to say about that.

• Here's an amazing catch by James Jones that still doesn't make me feel any better about the game.

• Left guard Josh Sitton made some waves prior to the game when he called the Lions “dirtbags” and “scumbags,” and said they like to take “cheap shots.” He also had an opinion on Lions coach Jim Schwartz, whom he called a “d---” and charged that “it all starts with [Schwartz].” Sitton stood by his remarks after the game, as well. Maybe it’s best to keep such thoughts to oneself, but c’mon, he’s totally right.

• AJ Hawk needs a new helmet. It drives me crazy that he loses his helmet at least once a game and no one has made him get a new helmet. A helmet has to actually stay on the head in order to fully fulfill its purpose. Shouldn't Hawk say something? Or a teammate? A trainer? A coach? His wife? Someone? Anyone?!

• Some people say the Dallas Cowboys lack toughness, but at least this offense lineman was able to flail his arms in warning to his quarterback Tony Romo.

"Tony, you're about to get saaaaaaacked!"

• Guy Whimper is the worst name for an NFL player. He could only be a third-string offensive lineman.

• Guy Whimper plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I know I whine about Green Bay's injuries a lot, but Pittsburgh had a pretty rough game on Thanksgiving, too. In the game, they lost their first-string left tackle (Kelvin Beachum), then they lost their second-string left tackle (Mike Adams), their starting right guard (David DeCastro), their second-string center (Fernando Velasco),  and their starting running back (Le'Veon Bell)!

The game ended not with a Beachum but with a Whimper.

• Thanksgiving day also featured two pathetic on-side kick attempts from Oakland and Pittsburgh; neither even came close to going the required 10 yards. They need to study Mason Crosby.

Honestly, it didn't go much farther than this.

• Seattle coach Pete Carroll was feeling awfully smug as his team was destroying the Saints on Monday night. I guess I would feel smug, too, but there's something eminently hateable about this guy. Doesn't his face make you just want to punch that horrible smirk off his face?!?!

• Christian Ponder left the Vikings-Bears game with an injury and was replaced by Matt Cassel. Guess what - they won!!! How many times do I have to say this: play Matt Cassel over Christian Ponder!?

• Let’s look at the numbers. Before leaving the game shortly before half, Ponder was 3-of-8 for 40 yards. In the remainder of the game (including overtime), Cassel was 20-of-33 for 243 yards, one interception, and one touchdown. I’m not saying that Cassel is Tom Brady or anything, but how is he behind Christian Freakin’ Ponder??

I know Cassel looks like someone photoshopped his head onto his
girlfriend's body, but that's still no excuse for playing Ponder.

• It was a strange feeling cheering for the Vikings. I didn't like it. But the game was had a pretty crazy ending. The Vikes destroyed the Chicago defense in the final drive of regulation to get into field goal range and tie the game. In overtime, Minnesota forced Chicago to punt, then drove into field goal range. They made the kick -- yay! -- but there was a penalty. The refs called a facemask (come on, refs!) on Minnesota that negated the field goal and backed them up 15 yards, and they missed a 57 yarder, which gave Chicago pretty good field position. The Bears, however, missed a 47-yard field goal, which then gave Minnesota pretty good field position. The Vikings finally were able to make a field goal to win, which is pretty much the most positive thing that happened for Green Bay this week.

I felt conflicted, like this official.

• At least one Bear had a good game, though. Receiver Alshon Jeffrey now holds the top two single game receiving yards in Chicago history as he racked up 249 yards, including this crazy tough catch.

• Adrian Peterson had a record, himself, becoming the fifth running back in history to reach 10,000 yards.

• I'm not a huge Eric Decker fan -- probably because I'm jealous that he's prettier than I am -- but he had a nice day, hauling in 8 catches, 4 of them for touchdowns as the Denver Broncos handed the Kansas City Chiefs their third straight loss.

How's a girl supposed to compete with this?

• Poor Houston. I really thought they might actually win a game when they took a big lead against the Patriots, but then the Houston Texans really Houston Texaned it up and laid a big Houston Texan.

• Here's the most shocking part of the Houston Texans' 2-10 record: they have the fourth best defense in the league!! Prior to this week, they were first in the league in yards allowed. How can your defense be so good and the rest of your team so, so bad?

Ah, yes. That's how.

• Speaking of shocking statistics, the Green Bay Packers are third in the league in sacks. HOW? How are your only options sacking the quarterback or giving up a 30-yard play??

• Players are always complaining about the rules, but San Francisco's Vernon Davis' objection seems rather reasonable to me. I think I'll forego the GIF on this one.

• Cleveland quarterback Brandon Weeden should really think about patenting his backwards, underhand, no-chance-in-hell-this-is-going-to-be-a-completion flip.

• Tom Brady does not like it when you drop his passes.

• But as fun as Tom Brady frustration GIFs are, no one can touch Eli Manning. I feel like he probably reacts this way to a lot of things: dropped passes, interceptions, his bunny rabbit dying, finding out someone didn't refill the ice cube tray after using the last ice cube...

• The Packers don't have much to brag about these day, but the captains' photo from Thursday was pretty good. Rodgers didn't just bring in an old props, he brought in customized, Thanksgiving props.

Hide the pain with smiles. Hide...the...pain.

Well, We Didn't Lose.

• It’s great that Green Bay was able to come back from down 13 to force overtime and a tie, but they really blew a huge opportunity. Both Chicago and Detroit lost in big upsets and, had the Packers managed a victory, they would have been in a three-way tie for a division lead. Now, they’re a half game behind with a game against Detroit on Thursday and pretty much no chance to win unless Rodgers plays. Alas, what could have been!

I blame the creepy mustache. The broken collarbone, too,
but mostly the mustache.

• Of course, it wouldn’t be a Packers game without some major injuries. Backup running back Johnathan Franklin, whom Coach McCarthy wanted to get involved, went out on the very first play of the game with a concussion. CJ Wilson, who was playing for an injured Johnny Jolly, left the game. Eddie Lacy, who had a fantastic game and kept the Packers in it, left the field late in the game. He returned for one play before sitting again. Green Bay’s next game is on Thursday, which doesn’t bode well for these injured players’ chances (Franklin won’t even have a chance, given the concussion protocol). 

• After the game, Lacy said his asthma forced him to leave the game. Wait, a starting NFL running back has asthma??

But isn't running fast while being able to breathe in your job description?

• Lacy had 158 all-purpose yards on the day. More than half those yards came after contact. BEAST.

• Cornerback Casey Hayward officially went on the IR on Saturday, ending his season, as did cornerback James Nixon. Cornerback Sam Shields also did not suit up on Sunday. This should be fun trying to guard Calvin Johnson.

So which of our third-string defensive backs would like to cover this guy?

• Will someone PLEASE tell me why the Vikings continue to start Christian Ponder over Matt Cassel? Ponder didn’t have a bad game on Sunday, but Cassel played two games this season, winning one. That’s half of Minnesota’s win total; that should count for something!

• Scott Tolzien was pulled in favor of Matt Flynn. Both played pretty unremarkably, but how awesome was Tolzien’s 6-yard rushing touchdown? What a spin move, Scoots!  

• I guess I don’t really have any feelings about whether Tolzien or Flynn starts on Thursday. Seems sorta six of one, half-dozen of the other.

But hey, last time Flynn played the Lions, he threw for 480 yards and 6 TDs.

• The Green Bay run defense was pretty bad. I understand they were pretty gassed at the end, but dig deep, boys! I mean, Toby Gerhart? You’re letting someone named “Toby” run all over you?? Where’s your pride?

Come on, there's no way this guy is even
old enough to play in the NFL!

• The offense really didn’t do themselves any favor with their inability to play hurry up. They were dawdling the whole last drive in regulation, as well all of overtime. It was the slowest no-huddle offense I've ever seen.

• UGH. Certain reporters won't shut up about how the Packers made a mistake by going for two too early in the game. Because they failed at the two-point conversion, this guy keeps crowing that a team should never go for two when there are more than eight minutes left in the game. Why? Why eight minutes? What about nine minutes? The Packers were down by 16 points, then they scored a touchdown, leaving them down by 10. If they kick an extra point, it's a 9-point lead and a two-score game. If they convert a two-point conversion, it's an 8-point lead and a one-score game. It's a no-brainer to go for two. It's easy to do the math in retrospect and say, "Hey if they had that extra point, they would have won in regulation!" but it would have been a stupid move to pass up the chance to make it a one-score game. There's absolutely no guarantee -- especially the way the Packers were playing on both offense and defense -- that Green Bay would have gotten the ball three times in the fourth quarter.

• It’s hard to get over Green Bay getting the ball on the 5-yard line with a new set of downs in overtime and having to settle for a field goal.

• Oof. The Packers were 3-for-16 on third-down conversions, and 3-for-5 in the redzone.

• Apparently, not many Packers realize that there wasn't a second overtime. The overtime rules are kind of screwy, but when it's your job, that's probably something you should know.

• The Ram's Tavon Austin is very, very fast.

• There was a scuffle after the whistle in the Chicago-St. Louis game, resulting in three penalties -- all of them were on the Bears.

• Chicago played St. Louis, Detroit played Tampa Bay, and Green Bay played Minnesota, and yet it was a winless Sunday for the NFC North. Didn’t see that coming.

• Though, when you hear that the Lions turned it over five times and that the Bears racked up 84 yards in penalties and 3 turnovers, it makes a little more sense. Here's Detroit's final turnover, right on the goal line with a chance for the lead!

• Turns out that Boomer Esaison feels the same way about Shannon Sharpe as we all do.

• Houston lost to Jacksonville. At home. The Texans and the Jaguars now have the same record.

• Aww, Browns fans are as inept as their team - they couldn't even hold their banner right side up.

Maybe they're trying to encourage the fans above them, not the team.

• Oh my gosh. Arizona is ahead of Green Bay in the playoff hunt. PANIC!

• Trent Richardson has averaged 2.8 yards per carry since being traded from the Cleveland Browns to the Indianapolis Colts, but he’s not frustrated at all. “I think I’ve been playing good,” he said, despite all evidence to the contrary.

"And my mother still loves me."

• Speaking of delusional, Jerry Jones thinks he's been "doing his best work" of late. He at least has the decency to qualify it: "The facts are I really do think, the way things have rolled out, I'm getting to do some of the best work that I've done, relatively speaking in my career, over these last several years." The Cowboys have won one playoff game since 1997 and are projected to be $31 million over the salary cap next year.

Keep up the good work, Jer!

• The Saints beat the Falcons in the Georgia Dome, and freak tight end Jimmy Graham wanted to leave his mark on the stadium.

This is what happens when Jimmy Graham dunks on your goal post.

• Clay Matthews was flagged and fined twice this year, but got one reduced and they other rescinded. Hah. So there.

• Remember when we were all wondering what on earth Mark Sanchez was doing growing out his hair?

• Now it makes .... sense?

On or off the field, Sanchez makes bad decisions.

• I'm not a fan of these ticky-tack, fraction-of-a-second late hit calls, especially when they're faked, such as Cam Newton's here.

• The Steelers really had the Browns confused when they lined up to go for it on 4th-and-18 while up 17 points. Things got weirder when quarterback Ben Roethlisberger took the snap and then punted the ball - right to the one-yard line.

I guess drunk co-eds aren't the only ones Roethlisberger can back into corners.

• New York Giants' tight end Brandon Myers caught the ball at the 10-yard line and went to the ground. The Dallas Cowboys were already headed back to the huddle when Myers, who wasn't touched by the Cowboys, got up and ran into the endzone. Ladies and gentlemen, the Dallas Cowboys defense!

• The San Diego Chargers overcame 97 yards in penalties (!!) to beat the Kansas City Chiefs in a game that featured eight lead changes and came down to the wire.

Philip Rivers remained his usual, even-keeled self.

• Except for the fact that they play in the NFC East, I would say the wheels are coming off for the Washington Redskins. After a loss to the Philadelphia Eagles last week, quarterback Robert Griffin III made some passive aggressive comments about the scheme his team was running, as well as his receivers' inability to get open. Receiver Santana Moss felt the need to call out his quarterback to the media, saying RGIII needs to take more responsibility for the team's losses. 

"[If I'm the quarterback,] I don't need to be going back and forth in the media about who didn't do this and who didn't do what. At the end of the day, I was seen with the ball in my hand last. As a quarterback, I'm saying, and if it didn't get done, then I'm going to let you know it was me. Whether it was me or not, it was me. And I'm going to get better. And we're going to get better together."

• I'm inclined to agree with Moss' sentiments, but I'm not sure I'd say that on the record. I have to think that makes for a bit of tension around the Gatorade cooler.

• Crazy game on Sunday night! I stopped watching at halftime, when the Denver Broncos were up 24-0 on the New England Patriots. Lo and behold, the Pats came storming back and won the game in overtime! The game featured ELEVEN fumbles, including this final one -- an incredibly unlucky bounce on a punt that New England recovered.

• The Broncos' loss led to more of the moronic chatter about how Peyton Manning "can't play in the cold." Umm, his team put up 31 points and lost on a field goal in overtime.

• The game also gave us our Tom Brady GIF of the week. He was very excited about the win.

Is This What It Feels Like?

• Ugh is this what it feels like to be a fan of a bad team like the Jaguars or the Browns or the Cowboys? The hopelessness: “Even if we win this game, we’re not going anywhere with all of these injuries...”; the straining to find the positives: “Solid performance by the punter!”; the inability to accept reality: “If only we had Aaron…”

• The injuries just keep coming. Green Bay’s best cornerback, Casey Hayward, went out last week with a reinjured hamstring, and it appears that it will be for the season. Waaaaaaaaaahhh!

The Packers and hamstrings do not go well together.

• So what’s worse than having your top cornerback out? Having your other best cornerback out. Sam Shields is dealing with -- you guessed it! -- a hamstring injury.

Please be alright, Sammy. Pleeaasse! We need you!

• It would be too much to hope that the Packers could go one game without more injuries. On Sunday, they lost another cornerback, James Nixon, and stalwart defensive lineman Johnny Jolly was added to the toll with a groin injury. Great.

• Announcer: “This has been the Achilles’ heel of the Packers’ defense…” Oh, you mean the entire secondary?

• Yes, the Packers secondary has been, hmmm, let’s just say less than satisfactory. One of the most hideous statistics I’ve ever seen is that Green Bay has recorded just FOUR interceptions. In NINE games! Against the likes of Joe Flacco, Brandon Weeden, Christian Ponder, Josh McCown, and Eli Manning. Those quarterbacks alone should be good for a couple of interceptions apiece!!

Come ON!

• The game started with Green Bay getting a 12-men-on-the-field defensive penalty … and then a 12-men-in-the-huddle offensive penalty.

"Nine...ten...eleven...eleven..."

• Check out this sweet mustache Eli Manning is trying to grow.

Eli finally hit puberty!

• Green Bay is 2-of-9 in the redzone without Rodgers.

I would sell a family member in exchange for a healthy Aaron. (Before
you say I'm a terrible person, one of my siblings has already volunteered.)

• Why would you not go for it on 4th-and-short against Green Bay? They've been terrible. What happened? They seemed like they were finally going to be good against the run this year!

• I’m always touched when a player gets injured on the opposing sideline, and the opponent’s medical staff immediately jump into help.

• I like the McCarthy’s guts on faking that 4th-and-7 punt. Sooooo close.

• My heart must have shattered into a million pieces when Scott Tolzien thew that pick-six. Right after that great scoring drive, and that fantastic stand by the defense to force three-and-out, too.

He raises my hopes just to crush them.

• Tolzien had some very bad throws, but I still think, on the whole, he played well. He’s playing behind a makeshift offensive line, whose starting right tackle was not playing (which meant Marshall Newhouse was playing -- aaahh!). I think they should just have Tolzien throw everything downfield, because he struggled a lot more with the short passes. He also got zero help from the run game, which contributed just 55 yards.

• This season had the makings of something special, with a running game finally showing up to complement the league’s best quarterback and receiving group, Jermichael Finley in a contract year, a young and athletic secondary, a realigned offensive line that put the best linemen on Rodgers’ blindside, and a bulked-up defensive line, but now I think it’s a real possibility that Green Bay will not make the playoffs. I'm trying not to lose all hope. The Packers play a terrible Minnesota team next week, and there's a chance Rodgers will be able to play in the Thanksgiving game against the Lions. So I'm just going to cling to that.

In happier times...

• The stupid Bears won on a stupid field goal in stupid overtime against the stupid Ravens.

They didn't even have stupid Jay Cutler to throw his stupid interceptions.

• I am a Kansas City Chiefs naysayer. Yes, they are good, but they’ve also had an incredibly easy schedule. ALSO, they’ve had the good fortune to play against backup quarterbacks four of the last six weeks. The rich get richer…

• For unknown reasons, the Pittsburgh Steelers decided to wear their throwback uniforms again.

I'd like this look better if it were black-and-white stripes,
and if Roethlisberger were actually in jail.

• I wish the Lions would hire someone to film Jim Schwartz on the sidelines for the entire game and just make GIFs of all his furious and violent reactions to everything.

• Well, at least Houston will get a great draft pick. I don't know what on earth is going on with their offensive line. I lost track of how many false starts they were flagged for, but I know one lineman was called for three alone!

• I don't know if I feel more sorry for Case Keenum or Matt Schaub. Keenum was benched on Sunday for Schaub, and the boos were so loud from the home crowd that the Texans hand to switch to a silent count. Schaub played well, but still is not forgiven for his terrible play early in the season. Coach Gary Kubiak optimistically said he didn't think Keenum's confidence would be affected. "I didn't want to put a young guy in a bad situation," explained Kubiak. Sooooo, you thought you'd just put your beleaguered, once-upon-a-time-Pro-Bowler quarterback in a bad situation?

Okay, I definitely feel worse for Schaub.

• Schaub certainly wasn't getting any love from receiver Andre Johnson either.

"Just emotions," they both said after the game. Yes, emotions of hatred, disgust, and anger.

• Andre Johnson sure sounds content in Houston. After ending the game with that little scene with his quarterback Matt Schaub, Johnson was asked if he was happy playing for the Texans, and he responded: “I'm under contract, so, I have to play my contract out. I can't do anything about that." Ooookay then.

• Andy Dalton had a 3.7 Quarterback Rating; that's how bad he is. The Bengals still won by 21 points; that's how bad the Cleveland Browns are.

• Matthew Stafford had 327 yards at halftime, but somehow finished with only 362 yards total. His stats are as big as his head.

I mean that literally, not figuratively.

• I love Carson Palmer’s official Arizona Cardinal picture because every single emotion he felt when choosing to sign with the Cardinals shows on his face.

"They're the Cardinals...but they have Fitzgerald...but they're the Cardinals."

• The Steelers may not be able to do much, but their punter kicked a 70-yard punt to completely reverse field position. By the way, that stat is measured from the snap, not the punt, so it was actually more like a 80-yard punt.

• I’m not a fan of the personal foul call on Niners for hitting Saints’ Drew Brees in “the neck area.” San Francisco forced a fumble on the play, which would have effectively sealed their victory. It looks bad on film because Brees’ head snaps back, but I think the defender’s arm is across the chest, not the neck. As it happened, it was called, allowing the Saints to eventually win the game.

• How does Calvin Johnson ever get open? Defensive mistakes happen, but leaving Calvin Johnson open should never, ever, ever happen.

Don't send a boy to do Optimus Prime's job, Pittsburgh.

• It makes it very easy for Detroit's offensive playcalling.

  

• OH MY GOSH! THAT’S AN OPPONENT’S HAIR IN HIS HAND!

• Here’s what I have to say to Jason Babin: 

• I guess it's all okay because Andre Ellington got his dreads back?

• I should predict when teams are going to fake a field goal or punt or do a surprise onside kick for a living, because I am always right. I knew Detroit was going to fake the field goal. I just need a way to prove this to the world… you can ask my cats!

"It's true. She's always right about these things."

• I don’t mind the Lions faking the field goal, but don’t you have a better play call for that? I mean, it was just the little holder dancing around and hoping the Steelers wouldn’t notice till it was too late.

The more I watch the holder in this, the funnier it gets.

• In case you didn't know, Pittsburgh is not very good. Let's put it this way: on Sunday, they averaged 1.5 yards per rush. If the running back had just fallen forward on each carry, they would have had a higher average!

• While I like officials trying to stay out of the game at the end, I was very surprised to see the refs throw a flag on the final play of the Patriots-Panthers, then pick it up. Rob Gronkowski was being bear-hugged in the endzone as Brady was trying to throw him a game-winning touchdown, and, while it would have been an incredibly difficult catch, I'm sure the Patriots would have liked to see how it would have played out if Gronk wasn't being interfered with. The officials ruled the ball was not catchable, but they've obviously never seen a Gronkowski highlight reel.

• Fumbling outside of the endzone results in a touchback, which is totally unfair. A Saints player picked off Colin Kaepernick and took it all the way back to almost the goal line, where the ball was knocked out of his hands and went out the back of the endzone, so the 49ers get the ball at the 20. How is that fair?? The Saints don’t get anything to show for an interception and long return? I don’t like this rule!

• LeSean McCoy is one of the most immature people in a field that is known for immature people.

Though I don't have a lot of sympathy for a grown man waving a stupid flag, either.