Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving, I Guess.

  • This was the least fun Green Bay Packer game I have ever watched. There was no glimmer of hope that they could storm back. It was just waiting out the slaughter.

  • I'm just going to start listing some really depressing statistics:

    • Detroit put up 561 yards while Green Bay amassed a grand total of 126. The Packers managed only 24 rushing yards. 
    • The Packers had seven first downs to Detroit's 30 (!), and not a single rushing first down. 
    • Green Bay was 2-of-10 on third-down conversions, while Detroit converted 9 of their 12 third-down attempts.
    • Green Bay held the ball for 19:34, while the Lions had it for 40:26.
    • The Packers completed 10 passes. The whole game.
  • Now let’s count the Detroit Lions who scored more touchdowns than the entire Green Bay offense: Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Reggie Bush, Joique Bell, Kevin Ogletree, and Jeremy Ross.

  • Yes, that Jeremy Ross. As in, the guy who could not hang on to a ball if his life depended on it while on the Packers, but suddenly can put up 145 all-purpose yards when he puts on a Lions uniform. YOU OWE US AT LEAST ONE GAME, JEREMY!

We haven't forgotten, Jeremy.

  • I couldn’t decide which was worse, the offense or the defense. The defense allowed 561 yards and their tackling looked like a Three Stooges skit. Detroit punted once during the game! On the other hand, the defense at least forced four turnovers and scored a touchdown. What did the offense do?

  • The offensive line allowed seven sacks. Matt Flynn wasn’t doing much himself, but he didn’t exactly have a lot of much time. Center Evan Dietrich-Smith was injured, meaning the right guard switched to center and Marshall Newhouse (noooooooooooooo!) came in at right guard. Newhouse was eventually benched for a rookie lineman. I’m sure he’s a very nice guy, but Newhouse needs to go in the offseason. He’s a huge liability.

  • Lineman TJ Lang summed it up nicely: “Probably the worst (expletive) offensive day in the history of the (expletive) Packers.”

  • Some sorta positive news for the offensive line was that Derek Sherrod played in his first game since December of 2011, when he broke both multiple bones in his right leg.

  • To counteract that sorta positive news, here’s some definitely terribly news: Jonathan Franklin has been put on the IR. Franklin suffered a concussion/neck injury in the Minnesota game a week ago and was put on the IR on Thursday. Neither Franklin nor the team has said anything more about the injury.

  • To understand how bad the Packers injury situation has been this year, check this out: the Packers played their 57th player on special teams on Thursday. That’s more than an entire team’s worth! And that 57th player was on the practice squad just the day before he played in Thursday's game.

This could be their warmups, or it could be the bodies strewn across the field at the end of each game

  • The hope is obviously that Rodgers will be ready to play by next game, at which point he will have to play well enough to overcome not only the opponent, but his defense, too. The Packers would need to win all their remaining games and get some help on top of it. There is a report, however, that Rodgers might not be able to play next week, at which Green Bay would have to start thinking of shutting Rodgers down for the season. Rodgers has said he'll play next Sunday, but I'm sure the team will have something to say about that.

  • Here's an amazing catch by James Jones that still doesn't make me feel any better about the game.

  • Left guard Josh Sitton made some waves prior to the game when he called the Lions “dirtbags” and “scumbags,” and said they like to take “cheap shots.” He also had an opinion on Lions coach Jim Schwartz, whom he called a “d---” and charged that “it all starts with [Schwartz].” Sitton stood by his remarks after the game, as well. Maybe it’s best to keep such thoughts to oneself, but c’mon, he’s totally right.

  • AJ Hawk needs a new helmet. It drives me crazy that he loses his helmet at least once a game and no one has made him get a new helmet. A helmet has to actually stay on the head in order to fully fulfill its purpose. Shouldn't Hawk say something? Or a teammate? A trainer? A coach? His wife? Someone? Anyone?!

  • Some people say the Dallas Cowboys lack toughness, but at least this offense lineman was able to flail his arms in warning to his quarterback Tony Romo.

"Tony, you're about to get saaaaaaacked!"

  • Guy Whimper is the worst name for an NFL player. He could only be a third-string offensive lineman.
  • Guy Whimper plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I know I whine about Green Bay's injuries a lot, but Pittsburgh had a pretty rough game on Thanksgiving, too. In the game, they lost their first-string left tackle (Kelvin Beachum), then they lost their second-string left tackle (Mike Adams), their starting right guard (David DeCastro), their second-string center (Fernando Velasco),  and their starting running back (Le'Veon Bell)!

The game ended not with a Beachum but with a Whimper.

  • Thanksgiving day also featured two pathetic on-side kick attempts from Oakland and Pittsburgh; neither even came close to going the required 10 yards. They need to study Mason Crosby.

Honestly, it didn't go much farther than this.

  • Seattle coach Pete Carroll was feeling awfully smug as his team was destroying the Saints on Monday night. I guess I would feel smug, too, but there's something eminently hateable about this guy. Doesn't his face make you just want to punch that horrible smirk off his face?!?!

  • Christian Ponder left the Vikings-Bears game with an injury and was replaced by Matt Cassel. Guess what - they won!!! How many times do I have to say this: play Matt Cassel over Christian Ponder!?

  • Let’s look at the numbers. Before leaving the game shortly before half, Ponder was 3-of-8 for 40 yards. In the remainder of the game (including overtime), Cassel was 20-of-33 for 243 yards, one interception, and one touchdown. I’m not saying that Cassel is Tom Brady or anything, but how is he behind Christian Freakin’ Ponder??

I know Cassel looks like someone photoshopped his head onto his
girlfriend's body, but that's still no excuse for playing Ponder.

  • It was a strange feeling cheering for the Vikings. I didn't like it. But the game was had a pretty crazy ending. The Vikes destroyed the Chicago defense in the final drive of regulation to get into field goal range and tie the game. In overtime, Minnesota forced Chicago to punt, then drove into field goal range. They made the kick -- yay! -- but there was a penalty. The refs called a facemask (come on, refs!) on Minnesota that negated the field goal and backed them up 15 yards, and they missed a 57 yarder, which gave Chicago pretty good field position. The Bears, however, missed a 47-yard field goal, which then gave Minnesota pretty good field position. The Vikings finally were able to make a field goal to win, which is pretty much the most positive thing that happened for Green Bay this week.
I felt conflicted, like this official.

  • At least one Bear had a good game, though. Receiver Alshon Jeffrey now holds the top two single game receiving yards in Chicago history as he racked up 249 yards, including this crazy tough catch.

  • Adrian Peterson had a record, himself, becoming the fifth running back in history to reach 10,000 yards.

  • I'm not a huge Eric Decker fan -- probably because I'm jealous that he's prettier than I am -- but he had a nice day, hauling in 8 catches, 4 of them for touchdowns as the Denver Broncos handed the Kansas City Chiefs their third straight loss.

How's a girl supposed to compete with this?

  • Poor Houston. I really thought they might actually win a game when they took a big lead against the Patriots, but then the Houston Texans really Houston Texaned it up and laid a big Houston Texan.

  • Here's the most shocking part of the Houston Texans' 2-10 record: they have the fourth best defense in the league!! Prior to this week, they were first in the league in yards allowed. How can your defense be so good and the rest of your team so, so bad?

Ah, yes. That's how.

  • Speaking of shocking statistics, the Green Bay Packers are third in the league in sacks. HOW? How are your only options sacking the quarterback or giving up a 30-yard play??

  • Players are always complaining about the rules, but San Francisco's Vernon Davis' objection seems rather reasonable to me. I think I'll forego the GIF on this one.

  • Cleveland quarterback Brandon Weeden should really think about patenting his backwards, underhand, no-chance-in-hell-this-is-going-to-be-a-completion flip.

The Best GIFs Of NFL Week 13: Like Tears In Rain

  • Tom Brady does not like it when you drop his passes.

  • But as fun as Tom Brady frustration GIFs are, no one can touch Eli Manning. I feel like he probably reacts this way to a lot of things: dropped passes, interceptions, his bunny rabbit dying, finding out someone didn't refill the ice cube tray after using the last ice cube...

  • The Packers don't have much to brag about these day, but the captains' photo from Thursday was pretty good. Rodgers didn't just bring in an old props, he brought in customized, Thanksgiving props.

Hide the pain with smiles. Hide...the...pain.

1 comment:

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