Saturday, September 7, 2013


It's been quite an offseason. Joe Flacco made a mockery of the NFL, the world, truth, and justice by signing a $126 million extension, making him the highest-paid QB in the NFL (briefly); Charles Woodson is back home in Oakland, and I'm happy for him, except for the fact that he's on the worst team in the universe; Aaron Hernandez (allegedly) shot four people before it came to the attention of the world that he's a homicidal sociopath; Elvis Dumervil and the Broncos parted ways, even though both parties wanted to  stay together, due to a bizarre issue surrounding a fax machine; Greg Jennings wouldn't shut up about how difficult it was to have to play with the best quarterback in the league; and Tim Tebow is back to being unemployed.

"Look, I'm just as confused as you are all."

In fact, too much has happened these past few months to really delve into it all, so we'll just focus on what is most pertinent to the greatest team in the history of existence – the Green Bay Packers!

  • Sooooooooo, a 21-year-old rookie is protecting Aaron Rodgers' blindside. And he has to make his debut against one of the best defensive lines in the NFL. Yep. Let's move on.
  • I understand that hamstring injuries are common, but it sure seems as if the Packers have been cursed by the hammy gods – Casey Hayward (twice), Clay Matthews, Morgan Burnett, Brad Jones, and Eddie Lacy are just some of the players who have missed time this offseason with hamstring injuries.
Maybe Casey should have chosen a bigger bike.

  • I'm sick of Niners' head coach Jim Harbaugh and his pleated khakis. As if Clay Matthews is the first person to point out that the best way to keep a quarterback in the pocket is to make him pay for leaving it. Harbaugh had to go and whine that the Packers were being meanies. After the league clarified that everything Matthews said was correct and legal, Harbaugh crossed his arms, stomped his foot, and said the rules are "flawed" and "biased."  Oh, okay, Jim, so you think that your quarterback should be able to lead an offense that hinges on his ability to run the ball and the other team shouldn't be allowed to hit him? Sounds fair.
Seriously - look at those pants!
  • Stop, Greg Jennings. Just stop talking.You had it perfect. You were one of a very, very few NFL players that could leave a beloved organization on less-than-perfect terms, go to the team's most bitter rival, and still remain in the good graces of your former team's fans. And then you started talking. For absolutely no reason! The only pro is that you got to have your little tantrum and air your personal grievances in public. The downside is that every Green Bay fan hates you now (seriously, a Minnesota Viking vs. our starting quarterback who happens to be the best player in the league? Yeah, you're going to lose that every time), your new boss had to tell publicly you to be quiet, you look like a huge diva, and now the Packers want to destroy you and your team when they see you twice this year. Well played, Greg.
That's your QB, Greg, so the Packers clearly get the last laugh here.
  • None of what happens in the offseason really matters anyhow, because now it's time for real FOOTBALL!!!! And let's be honest, it's not just the football we all missed; it's a lot of this, too:
Hey, Jordy. Hey, Randall.

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