Friday, September 23, 2011

Top Ten Reasons that the Green Bay Packers are the Sexiest NFL Team (in no particular order)

1)      They Don’t Bother With Cheerleaders

I’m sorry, but professional football teams do not need cheerleaders on the sideline. What is the purpose of cheerleaders? Well:

A) they excite the crowd (in more ways than one), and

B) they pump up the team (supposedly).

Maybe in high school, the cheerleaders accomplish this goal. (They’re also useful in high school because they give cute, long-legged, bouncy teens a way to put themselves at the top of the high school hierarchy.) But after high school, I really don’t see a point to them. The women are still cute in college, but nobody really looks at them anymore. The women are even older in professional football, so the outfits start to be less sexy and more skanky. They almost become…an embarrassment. No true NFL fan needs a woman in a short, tight outfit to jump around in an obscure corner of the field to increase his/her excitement for the game. (This is where the men will interpose that it doesn’t hurt to have that, but I will counter that true NFL fans and players don’t need that extra crap. All they need is the game.)

The Packers show a classy disdain for this extraneous degradation of women by not bothering to hire cheerleaders. They don’t need cheerleaders. They have us.

2)      Lambeau Leaps

Grown men boyishly showing their enthusiasm for a touchdown and giving faithful fans the opportunity to boisterously slap them all over their bodies is really the height of my Green Bay home-game-watching enjoyment. It’s especially cute when 250 pound defensive players get to try it (“try” being the key word) after a fumble or an interception. No other team has such a tradition, and any negative feelings about it can only be the result of intense jealousy.

Besides, every other touchdown celebration is about the self-glorification of the individual player. The Packers show their love and appreciation for their fans every time they joyfully sail into the stands.

3)      They Have High Moral Character

Does every NFL fan say this about his/her team? Maybe. Probably. But why do I have this strangely firm conviction that the Packers are a team of extremely high values and moral character? I’m not sure. Am I going to argue that no Packer has ever played dirty, or said non-classy things, or done anything illegal? No. But for some reason, I have this idea in my mind that Packers are less inclined to act like that than other teams are. (It’s entirely possible that the only reason I say this is because I’m looking at a picture of Greg Jennings right now.) However, I defy anyone to listen to Aaron Rodgers give his post-game interview with that gentle smile and that trustworthy look in his eyes, and tell me that he doesn’t exude wholesome American decency.
And when people respect your quarterback, people respect your team. And when your quarterback is a sour-faced, glowering, wimp with poor team spirit, people don’t.

(What? I didn’t say anything.)

4)      They Are Fan-Owned
No Jerry Jones, Al Davis, or Daniel Snyder to meddle in things they know nothing about. Also, Packer fans get a sense of pride in their team because they own it, not just because their team plays for their region. And it doesn’t hurt that we can brag about being the only fan-owned team in the league.

5)      Old School Uniforms

Green Bay uniforms are like romantic comedy plots - they never change. They’re simple, distinctive, and classic. There’s something about that magical combination of green and gold that makes a truly die-hard Packer fan’s heart beat faster.

6) They’re Tough

Ever heard of the “frozen tundra”? Yeah. Another name for that is Green Bay, Wisconsin. The winters in this part of the nation are nothing to sneeze at (what does that phrase even mean? I love it). Our players train in freezing cold, less than ideal conditions. There are two incentives for this:

1) When other teams come to Green Bay in the winter, they are thrown off guard by the debilitating conditions, and tend to look like weaklings compared to our men of brawn.

2) When the Packers travel to pampered fields that have never seen snow (whether due to their balmy southern location, or the fact that they reside inside a heated, enclosed stadium), they thrive. It’s like when runners run with weights to train, or when swimmers only shave their bodies when they are about to compete. See what happens? The Green Bay Packers shave their figurative body hair when they travel. And then they swim fast. (End of metaphor.)

7)      Rabid Fan Base

Cheeseheads are way cooler than Terrible Towels. I mean, come on. It’s much more impressive to have a bright orange foam dairy symbol on your head than to alliterate. Plus, towels are multi-purpose items. You could be carrying around a towel in case you spilled your drink on something. Or to wipe your 4-year-old son’s nose. Or to give your car a quick polish. There is only one reason, however, for carrying around a cheesehead.

8)      We Are The World Champions

Just saying.

9)      Young Talent, Experienced Talent

The Packers are somehow the second youngest team in the league, yet they have respected, proven vets like Charles Woodson (14th year), Donald Driver (13th), and Chad Clifton (12th), while Aaron Rodgers is already in his 7th season. Also…there is the fact that most of the team gained a little bit of experience from winning the Super Bowl last year. Just a little.

10)  Greg Jennings

Greg Jennings.


  1. Jay Cutler. He is the Packer secret weapon. With him leading the Bears, the Pack is insured 2 wins a year. Just hope he is not hurt and CALEB HANEY enters the game.

  2. Actually, the Packers do make use of cheerleaders.