Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Clay Matthews. And Cats.

Why do people, even people who hate cats, have an obsession with cat paws?

This is an example of a cat paw that is in an unexpected place. This gives it a "double cuteness" edge. Not only is it a perfectly shaped cat foot, but it is on top of a computer keyboard. Mindboggling!

Whenever people go to pet a cat, where do they invariably reach for first? The head? No. The tail? No. The belly? No.

They go for the paw. They stroke the top of it. They feel the pad of it. They squeeze it. They usually say something in a stupid high voice.

If you are a cat owner, you probably find yourself saying approximately 78 times a day, "Don't touch her paws. She doesn't like it." But people don't care. People are thinking, shut up, cat owner. I'm not here to listen to your jabbering. I hate cats anyways. I just want to squeeze the paw.

Look at this paw. Do you want to poke it?

Yes. You do.

Are you thinking to yourself, hey, you, Blogger. No one hates cats! That's not even possible!

It is possible. A lot of (stupid) people hate cats. This is because they believe the following suppositions:
1) Cats are antisocial and unfriendly.
2) Cats are untrainable.
3) Cats are not cuddly and you can't make them do what you want them to do.
4) Cats make 97.6% of the universe sneeze.
5) Cats are often obese.

Some of those assumptions are true, but those people are forgetting the following very important facts:
1) Cats use litterboxes.
2) Cats clean themselves.
3) Cats don't pant and drool.
4) Marisa's cat drinks beer. (Note: Marisa tries to discourage this habit.)

I could have used much more subjective reasons like 5) Cats have pride and dignity, 6) Cats are better than mangos, and 7) Cats are loyal and everything that is perfect in the world, but I thought I'd stick to the facts.

So in conclusion, cat paws are awesome. But stop grabbing them.

Now here are some pictures of Clay Matthews sacking people.


  1. Who could resist the opportunity to stoke a cat's paw and say (in a high pitched voice), "Kitty toes!" Even better than that, the paw is directly connected to the cat's leg, and although most cats can dance like Kelps, everyone loves it when a cat does the stanky leg. And the pads have such an exquisite texture! I wouldn't trade a single kitty paw for all of the breast milk in the world!
    And Clay is eerily calm-looking as he destroys unsuspecting opponents. Cool, but mildly offsetting. I love it!

  2. OK, I wrote a long comment that did not post. I hate that.

    But you missed the obvious connection between Matthews and cat paws. Look closely at the sacks. Matthews is attacking the QB's paws. I used to think it was to cause a fumble, but now I understand why he is doing this: THEY HATE TO HAVE THEIR PAWS TOUCHED!

    What you can't tell from still photos is that he is also speaking to them in a high-pitched, sing-song voice, saying, "You are just the cuddliest little thing! Ooh, sneaky dude! I just love to snuggle you!" and other similar expressions. DRIVES THEM NUTS AND GETS INTO THEIR HEADS.

    Jay Cutler just flat out quit in the middle of the NFC Championship game when Clay started telling him he had cute paws and he was going to rush in there and just touch the hell out of them!

  3. I NEVER reach for the cat paws. Who does that? Mangos are awesome. It's a good thing that you left that off your list.

    I think in another life I was a cat. I sleep pretty much anywhere and often. I'm kind of obese sometimes. I like to have my belly rubbed and purr. Okay maybe not, but I like having my hair petted. Oh yeah, and I am adorable.